Re-Solutions

This year is coming to an end and as usual we will all want to start the year with new and improved resolutions as we re-solution our old habits and faults. It has become tradition to make an attempt to better ourselves at the start of every year. Because it seems that that is the only moment we can truly start out fresh. A clean slate, and many many intentions to re-try this new year. Frankly, all my old attempts seemed to have failed by January 5th and those that were left, got pushed along the year until they finally moved on to the next year. Some things were up to me and others just things I wished for and therefore had little control over. This year is going to be different. I will have been separated for 5 years, I'm turning 38 and I think it's time to make some mid life plans

Things that make you 'umpf'....I plan to reintroduce laughter and fun,  empathy and patience. Stuff that will make mine and everyone else's life better, brighter and so much more fulfilling. Something that will un-regrettably be put away this year is my quest for romantic love. If I am to experience it, it will have to find me as I no longer plan to look for it.

It's time to enjoy home cooked dinners with friends and family again, evenings with the 'girls' watching movies and sobbing away tears through recognisable joy and pain. The kids need a happy and stable mother too, one that knows what she wants, and especially what she doesn't want !! Because let's not forget that it is evenly important to stand for either one of those things. We need to once again form the great team that we are capable of being, and with all that in mind and heart, I think that it will be a year to prosperously look ahead to !

A year of re-bonding, re-joicing, re-lating and mostly re-solutions. May all of you out there find this year what you most miss and may you work on things that you do not want to have to do without.
May the small things become important again, and treasurable, may pain and anger find padded refuge to quietly sit and not grow out of proportion. May this year bring softness and kindness within our hearts, so that we make room for others as well as ourselves.

Most of all, may this year bring solutions to all the things we've tried and re-tried to accomplish. I look forward to going back to basics so that all the extra's once again become a treat.

To all a Happy New Year, and may all your good will prosper !!!

2011...

Christmas Spirit !!

Christmas should be a jolly and happy time, spent with family and or friends, but for many it is not the easiest time of the year. Poverty, loneliness, illness and many other factors can make this season extra tough on some. I would like to ask all my blog readers to each do ONE; just ONE act of kindness this Christmas season for someone in need. Anything,  as long as you touch someone's heart and fill it with the warmth that Christmas Spirit ought to bring about.

It's time for those of us who are so lucky, to extend our hearts to others.

Please come back and share your stories, and may this Christmas bring us all the Spirit of Kindness, Love and Empathy.


xxx The Loca Lady !

The Christmas Basket Case

By golly another year has flown by so quickly that it seems I'm still trying to get the same gifts that I was last year. Every year I think I'll have plenty of time to get into the 'Christmas spirit' and buy the most carefully  picked, personal and appropriate gifts for family and friends, and every year, I forget what I had thought of getting them, and of course find that my budget allows no such expense anyway.

This year we seem blessed with a beautiful yet modern-day-traffic-paralytic snow white landscape. One that Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and only those in the 'olden days' seemed to have had, and so inspired their cosy holiday Christmas tunes.

As traditions go, I seem to have a 'thing' with my Christmas tree. It's a fake one, about 12 years old and even though I still treat it lovingly, I think it's fed up with me and my decor. We seem to get along so poorly that for the third year in a row now, I've had to decorate it and redecorate it at least twice before we even reach Christmas Eve. Trouble is, it's not very stable, adding to that, that I insist on putting it into a 'proper' decorative basket, for it to look its part, so it stands unstable and topsy-turvy and of course always ends up taking a dive !!! 

I have cried bitter tears over this, for I have felt it to be a personal failure and lack of girl power. Still, I refuse to let this tree spoil my holiday season by tumbling down every single time on me. It's as if it wants to tell me, that it's useless to keep the decorations up, that if I don't properly position it and support it, no matter how gorgeous I make it look, it won't stand. Basic rules I suppose, which apply to anything and everything in life. So why do I keep on stubbornly stuffing this tree in the same basket for going on 12 years now ?! And why did it stay standing all those first years ?!

I guess we need to lay a good foundation to build upon, and I just simply haven't done that yet. I keep wanting to use parts of the 'old stuff' (read: basket/broken foundation) to rebuild, and I think that every year at Christmas time, the poor tree is trying to make a point.  And so, for yet another year, the tree has been done up twice already, and still, it leans towards 'a fall', something that seems unavoidable still.

I guess my Christmas wish for this year is that we all find that which we need in order to stay standing, to overcome, to prevail, to succeed and most of all to truly and triumphantly stand tall and sturdy, in order to carry our life and all its ornaments with pride and glory. May this next year bring us the tools to do just that, and in the meantime, please pray with me, that this year's tree remains poised for just that little bit longer...

A work of Art

Fools rush in and all is fair in love and war, right?!  I have decided enough is enough. Enough countless years alone, enough horrid dates leading nowhere, enough agony over my utterly low self esteem, when it comes to men and relationships and how I should look, according to 'God knows who', to be honest. Enough overthinking every single little dilemma a million times. It's time to,.. not just take but grab the bull by its horns and live. Just LIVE.

For someone, like me, who literally thinks herself sick, this will be a great task, one that I am not sure I will succeed at, but I have never been more determined in my life. It is time to let go and enjoy, to smell the scent of summer rain, and feel the cold of winter pain in every limb. No restrictions just plain learning to accept that maybe, just maybe, someone might actually mean it when they say they want to be with me, this time. Haven't I been wishing just that for years now ?!


So I'm quitting the moaning, and groaning and making another attempt at actually not giving a damn shit  about what the rest of the world thinks or what I may think is the right or wrong thing to do. Leaving intact of course the ground rules of life and basic blueprint of it. Dizzy with excitement and carrying new expectations, I slowly awaken to the warmth of a soul reaching out to me, believing in me, more than I have believed in myself for a long time. I am absolutely sure that this new and daring approach will throw me ahead. It feels like I've finally exfoliated and scrubbed off all the 'old stuff'. I take off my cloak of sadness and remorse, and bare my soft and vulnerable skin again to a new dawn.

Maybe we should all do this from time to time. I read in Paolo Coelho's blog *, that when we turn the light on in our souls we will instantly encounter cobwebs, signifying the things we like the least about ourselves. So once in a while it's good to clean and clear the soul of all it's rubble and trouble. We're only human, yes, but it's exactly what makes us capable of change. So no use sitting around doing nothing about it.

It's funny how we can think we want something and framework it into our life, only to find that some things just won't fit in as we had hoped or wished. Some things come in different shapes and sizes but that doesn't make them any less important or fitting. It's the art of framing this into our life that makes us true artists. Daring to 'draw' outside the lines of patterns that never seemed possible, and pouring in the right colours, or elements will complete our work of art to make it something we can be proud of. Our own frame of mind is then formed, always leaving room for improvement and adjustments.


So, I'm carefully pencilling in fresh new lines, and painting rainbows in my sky. I suggest you do the same for as we paint our life on everyday canvas, we'll find that hope is born out of faith and love just follows. As love does.



* Paolo Coelho's blog  http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/12/11/cobwebs/

Life of Riches 3

Time to discuss the wealthy life of our youth !! Living in this luxurious small piece of the country, it's only logical that even our children's lives are affected by our acquired richdom. From baby Ugg's to Dolce Gabbana play outfits for garden parties. Why buy cheap if you can buy brands, and what better way to show how much money you actually have than by spending it on useful/less outfits for ever careful and grateful kids. Always keeping in mind that we're actually helping others, for the invested outfits will be donated as 'nearly-new' or  'worn-only-once' to the poor, because when you have so much to choose from, nothing gets worn (out) !! I'm sure the children of third world countries have much use for these juicy, well marketed  brands, if only to alphabetize themselves !

I contemplated slowly introducing you to the world of children's parties, but there is just no way of keeping it subtle. They range from full blown outings to Disney Land in Paris with a handful of  brats darlings; to a cosy home 'happening' with their favorite artist on stage. Children adapt so easily don't they, it's so cute to hear them say that they've seen it all a thousand times before. How rich and valuable their lives have been so far, who else can boast about this at their age and how lucky they are.

We fulfill their every need, hoping that for a little while they will be satistfied, but each time it turns out a new rage finds it's way into the schools and shops. Of course all the other parents have caved in and  supplied their kids with the new goodies, so we cannot be left behind. The toy shops we no longer dare to enter for fear of knowing  that we will not reach the exit without a handful of expensive items that will be old news tomorrow. Our children pleading to us that this time will be the last time they beg us for anything. Of course we believe them, and to stop their pain, we provide them with just that little bit more.

To make sure they not only receive material love, we accommodate them with plenty of sports and extra curricular activities, preferably driven by a nanny or carpool-mom-team. Never forgetting that we need to take our own 'zen' time-out, for qualitative family time, later...

There is one thing that remains, unfeigned, and that is our love for them, for no matter how spoiled our children become, they are a product of ourselves and we will always love them. I can't help but wonder though, whether we are producing loveable human beings, or abominable 'aliens', who may never again settle into what life on this earth should be about to begin with. I guess in 20 years I will be able to provide us all with a more accurate answer, although something tells me, we may not want to know this outcome.

For now let's party on and keep the indulgence level as high as possible, we wouldn't want the next door neighbour to think we care less about our kids than they do about theirs, would we ?! ;-)

Dot dot dot....

Upon reading an email I received the other day, it occured to me that in writing, we sometimes leave a sentence 'unfinished' and use  '...'   (three dots)  to 'end' it. It got me thinking about how much is actually 'unwritten' in those few dots, and it dawned on me that it's often so much more than in all the actual words it was preceded by.

The dots are put in place for us to pause and think about their meaning. Mainly so that we fill in the blanks with assumptions, careful that we don't completely miss the point that was supposed to be made by them. It's a kind of 'no man's land' where words and meanings can get lost or found. Where we sometimes like to place the unknown or unspoken. That which ought not to be said out loud, only ponderd. It is what we sometimes want and wish for but do not dare to openly expect. It is what we say, when we have no words left to say it.

The silence of the dots is not silent at all, if you think about it. Even though we see no words, a multitude of them may fill that dotted line, expressing so much more than the actual words ever could. It is an entire 'world' of thoughts and wishes that opens up with only one key  ...  three dots and the magical world opens.


Which brings me back to the email itself. It was one written by a lovely person, who lives in his safe and predictable comfort zone, someone who rarely steps outside his personal borders, but who is now about to embark on the biggest adventure possible for him. A foreign country, far away from friends and family. A leap into the unknown, across the point of no return, and even though a return ticket has already been booked, the outcome of his journey remains unknown for now. Time will tell, I suppose, in his case, as this time his clock is ticking and there is no way back to the comfort zone that there once was. Everything must change. Seasons come and seasons go, but never quite the same.
The message I received was left open ended by 3 famous dots, the ones that hold the key to the unexpected outcome of what his travels may bring about.


It is when we step outside the lines, of what we're used to, that we see new things, and experience the novelty of unchartered territories. Just like the sentence with a dotted open ending, we too must sometimes dare to leave some blanks if only to enable us to see or feel the new frontiers. Once in a while though step on to a dot and use it as the stepping stone it's meant to represent, taking us far and beyond that which we may be able to express only in words.

It is there, in the silence of no words that so much is said.
Life may just be all about our travels on that dotted line .....

For God's Sake

To be honest I think it sounds very uncool to 'love yourself', it's one of those terms I feel only meditative spiritual people use, and frankly, I don't think of myself as a spiritual person so much, even though my  life seems to have become a stream of filosofical ideas put into words every once in a while. But, having come to the conclusion that that (loving yourself that is) is what must be done, it leaves me no choice but to try and find a way to do so, within my self defined spiritual being.

In times of (great) need, people turn to anything or anyone they can to find strength, courage and especially hope. It may be sought after in weekly yoga or pilates, in hobbies and work, or, as in many cases in a form of  religion. For God seems to be the person we turn to in times of trouble. I am seldom a truly religious person, and shamefully admit that it has mostly only been in times of need. I believe there is a God out there however, but not at all the type of God we are told about in church or school. 'God' has always felt more like a good friend, a companion of (difficult) journeys, always, bestowing upon me a sense of safety. Accomodating me with an aura of 'being around', whenever, wherever, all I need to do is talk to Him, like I would to any other good and faithful friend. He has kindly been the one to love me through thick and thin....however awful I thought myself to be.

I have often referred to God as 'The Man Upstairs' because when I think of 'Him', I feel his presence overlooking me. We seem to have been through a lot 'together' and even though, I don't always feel that I should summon him, because there are numerous others with more desperate needs. Still, I have never felt Him leave my side for even a single moment.

No, I am not trying to make anyone a believer who is not, or force a 'religion' onto anyone. All I want to say, is that in some strange way, I have never felt alone, it's like someone has always been around, and in my worst moments, He has been my zone of comfort, hope and faith. Always there to talk to, cry to and laugh with. I have no idea what 'kind' of God, He may actually be, or which 'religion' He may be most asscociated with. All I know is that there has always been a sense of unconditional  friendship, emerging from this entity, and to me He's been a kind of 'backup-guy',  best described by his unique and universal name 'God'.

Challenging and difficult times cause people to search for this backup and support. Just knowing He is there helps you to start climbing your problem mountains, and that is when you once again start believing in yourself, and surely the act of  loving yourself should closely follow. It's as magical as that. Right?!

In our 'rich' and 'overindulgent' society, we are saturated with what we think is all we want, jobs, attention, power and wealth, leaving no room whatsoever for a 'God person' to be a part of our lives. He becomes disposable, up until the moment that a crisis hits our lives.

It is not exceptional that inhabitants of Third World Countries suffering from poverty, natural disasters and all sorts of other problems, house whole 'herds' of people who go to church, and pray to God. These are people in continuous crisis situations, looking for answers, for comfort and maybe even for acceptance and help from others through Him. Desperately believing in His omnipotent power.

So to get back to my quest of self love, should we love ourselves with the same aptitude God has to love us, or is it ok to just let Him do all the caring, in return for our best behaviour as human beings?!

I catch myself being thankful to God, in my moments of great need, yet 'forgetting' to thank him, when all is 'seemingly' going right. A trait I do not specifically like about myself, for it is in times of no need that we should be most thankful and not the other way around, for God's sake !!!

Miss Insecurity

As you may have noticed by now, and have kindly neglected to mention to me, I seem to be strolling the same circles over and over again, just different versions of it. To my surprise, someone had the courage to open up with her story and with that, plant a thought in my head, that confronted me with what may really be the issue, yet so incredibly hard to face. Something, I may not quite know how to deal with or improve, just yet. Something, I have been told many a time. Something I kept pushing into the 'no way' corner, only to keep beating around the same bush repeatedly. Something, that I know a lot of us forget about because it's so easy to take for granted....

I have desperately ached to be loved again, not by my kids or friends, because they have loved me plenty, but by a man, so that I could feel 'worthwhile' again, to prove to myself that I am still loveable and a good person. I have kept looking for those things in what I received, and to be honest for a long time the men in my life have not helped to give me any sense of self value at all, and I have kept sinking a little deeper each time, not noticing, not understanding why. One day, out of knowhere I happened to be the best thing in the world to a new man in my life, I was thrilled, happy that I was still worth something to someone and that feeling is like a drug. I feel I'm on an all-time high. Ecstatic that I mean something still, not just 'something' but 'so much of everything' to that person. Rejoicing that someone is now willing and able to stand by me, through all of life's rains and sunshines.


But what happens when the rose coloured cloud slowly starts fading away, and that which is in escence still the issue you have been secretly battling, starts seeping through again, because remember;  'you're still stuck on that roundabout, until you've learned your lesson and get to go to the next level', however much someone else may think of you....at any given time.

We call these levels, phases, phases of life, because each time we learn we move on to the next phase, and if we're very  lucky and willing, we reach a state of contentment by the time our time on earth is done. Something  I'm sure is not easy and maybe not always possible or even achievable. To those of us who don't worry too much and don't think too deep, this is not an issue at all. Those people lead less complicated lives, and who knows maybe even more happy ones. But to me, an emotional-over-thinker, this leads to inner torture at times, for I keep yearning to reach that next level, to learn, to take in, and to explore the why's.


And so, when my good friend opened up to me, with her story, something in me made a mental click. I have been looking for the love I need in all the wrong places.....it is not in the local bar, or at social events, it's not at the sports activities or even hidden in an unexpected encounter....it is not even in the man that thinks the world of me. It's been here all along....inside of ME, yet unreachable to me, because you see, if you don't love yourself, then any love you get will not properly reach you anyway!!  It will only fill in all the blanks you have, the things you lack, the doubts you feel, and all this, only for a little while, for the soul has a way of stating the obvious and reminding you that the heart is lost and lonely if you choose to neglect it.

 Of course this seems so easy a task, but let me tell you, that there is no more difficult a task than this one, for someone who has so many insecurities and little self belief. Suddenly the façade of our own image is unveiled, the truth of how we think so little of ourselves. So much so little, that we were prepared to take anything to just believe that little tiny bit, that maybe, just maybe, we were still worth something, to someone.  

A light has been ignited within me protruding it's bright rays of truth, and clarity. Pointing this most obvious fact out to me. It will be the beginning of a new awakening. For now however, I must slowly let this sink in, and like all in life changes, should be made slowly, not in haste, for that is when we stay stuck. Hopefully learning from the 'mistakes' we may have made along the way, but trying not to make the same ones over and over again.

To me the realisation that there are others out there going through the same hurdles some ahead of me, and some behind me, helps. It soothes, comforts, and above all gives me strength to carry on this quest, to believe, trust and love the one person that I can....myself !!!

Having said all that.....how the heck does one go about that ?!

A Thank You Note

In total disbelief that perfect isn't perfect when you're not feeling it....I find myself grateful for the love that came my way, yet I couldn't reciprocate it. However hard I wanted to and tried, something was missing. Not sure what and why though, and very convinced that it wasn't in what I received but in what I couldn't give.

Wondering if all the love I had has just run out....or whether I will never be able to love as much and therefore always feel the lack of it. Maybe misinterpreting what's left, for there not being enough.

It seems unfair to only take and not give, to receive and not offer. When you get something in abundance, at first it seems enough to carry all, but once the daylight hours hit, the rays of sun point out the cracks. Not wanting to face those we stuff them with good intentions and pretty promises, but the brightness of the truth still has a way of peeping through the holes. Always bringing to light the things we do not want to see.

Feeling a majestic sense of loss, I choose to travel my path alone again. In the knowledge that I will do fine, but missing the warmth and comfort of that person walking right beside me every step of the way, bearing in mind that we should never walk together just because we are afraid to walk alone. Having said that, I feel that in my case I may be so afraid of walking together again that the path alone seems easier, less complicated and more comfortable. Sad but true.

With a sense of great appreciation and gratitude for what unexpectedly came my way, and struggling to find my bearings once again, I continue this path utterly thankful for the unconditional bliss that I was blessed with.
Scared to death that by saying goodbye for all the right reasons, I may never find what I was so generously given, ever again.

But like all in life, we live and we learn, only if we dig do we get deeper, and only if we think do we figure things out, nothing ever came of any dreamer who didn't live it out.* So considering this in mind and heart, I set a course once again on  this journey of unbelievable wonders.


*Alain Clark

Long-ly-ness

It's been a while but all of a sudden I remembered that when you're in a relationship for a long time, and by long time I mean more than a few years or so. Some things change. The spark isn't quite the spark it used to be, even though the level of mutual comfort has grown tremendously. You no longer feel the need to look or act your best, assuming that your partner knows you by now, and accepts your preference for walking around in your sweat pants (the word sounds sloppy and smelly, yet we don't seem bothered by the connotation).

The funny thing about being together for so long is that arousement occurs at the most awkward times. I'm sure many women will agree that the moment they start cooking and stirring in the pots and pans, their hubby will feel the irresistible need to grope her. Now this is exactly the time you shouldn't try to get attention from your wife, as she will most certainly push you away and tell you to keep your hands to yourself because she's busy and by no means does she see herself going into a full blown sexual frenzy.

The other side of this coin however is that hubby will feel utterly rejected at his most 'vulnerable' moment, you see, often men express themselves easier by touch than by talk. If you dismiss his attempts often enough, something happens; his ego and love for you slowly start to break down.

Another longevity oddity, is that there is never quite the right time to make love anymore, it's usually left for the evenings when both partners find themselves exhausted in front of the TV playing couch potato. Often one of them retires to bed before the other making it slightly impossible to sleep together...in the full sense of the word. So the sexual act is left for Sunday mornings, and all of a sudden the one thing you could never get enough of has become a once-a-week-activity or in some cases even a weekly chore, if practiced at all. No one seems to blame but the lack of time and energy. It is a shame we 'forget' how good it feels to get some affection and how energizing it can be, let alone how little time actually matters when you're having fun.

The thing is ....the less you're intimate with your partner, the more you lose that crucial intimacy, and the bigger the 'I-may-fall-in-love-with-someone-else' gap grows. Only to result in painful struggles and separations caused by a mere taking for granted of the bond you both thought you had. Something that seems so obviously easily corrected, all of a sudden turns into the other person feeling understood, pampered, taken notice of and aknowledged, but all of this by someone else. Someone new, someone who doesn't mind stopping the stirring for a passionate kiss or grope, because the newness of it all is so exciting and exhilarating.

By no means should this send you into a panic of quick and steamy kitchen sex in front of hungry children, but it serves to remind us all that it is in the littlest things we need to keep finding each other, and if we neglect those, we neglect each other and it's possible we may have clustered a great problem for ourselves then, one so huge it may not untangle back into the small bits.

So treasure the quickest of moments for they may fly by and leave you with the longest of times, alone.

Full Circle

I am officially dating a younger man !!!

Terrified that the world would be shocked but finding myself most 'struck' of all, I come to my blog to find some solace. Months of inner torture have preceded this act of  'living la vida loca'. Always struggling with what 'I am expected to do' and what 'I want to do'. Life seems to have thrown at me a huge challenge and great adventure. Yet feeling a bit wary and wondering how it may affect my children and their lives and views, and that of family and friends. Hoping no one gets hurt and trying to imagine how two such different lives will combine in real life situations. Daring to jump into the deep end, realising that if I don't I'll never know....and that in fact all relationships are a blind dive into unknown territory, and always carry the risk of pain or failure. But when it comes to love, you need to dare because if you don't, it will pass right by you.....

It took one deep fall into my past pains and unfounded fears, to realize that the person who had appeared into my life, was prepared to bear through the good and the bad days, to accept me as I am, and to not only like me, but my children also. Anything and everything about me, (to him), is what makes me who I am. As unbelievable as I might find this....it is slowly but steadily becoming a reliable reality. My trust issues still haunt me, and pop up now and again and a lot of doubts still cross my mind, but it helps that they can be discussed and talked about now.

It is like learning how to walk again after years of being bedridden. Each and every new step is taken slowly, carefully and with great excitement and pride, but sometimes it is tough and exhausting and you feel you cannot bring yourself to it anymore...I now see that that is when the other person's love and affection carries you that, so important, 'extra mile'.

So, embarking on extremely new territory and with no clue as to where this will go, and how the world will look upon us, we bravely (well, the bravery credit must go to him, for I am nowhere near as brave) tread the waters of the unknown !!!

Like I have often said before, life brings us challenges and possibilities in the strangest of wrappings, and it is up to us to unwrap and unravel them cautiously and with a desire to explore them as best we can.

In my case years of living according to rules and regulations, have been replaced by living la vida loca it seems, but I must say that it makes me happy, aware of all the beauty life has offered and feeling as well balanced as any other person. So with this new foundation of creativity, joy and open spirit, I must admit I feel revived, alive and kickin' !!!

A 'cure' I wish upon many others, for it is a blessing to realise that love is a full circle, no beginning and no end.

Clam Man

All too often in the past I have tried not to hurt anyone, avoiding confrontations with friends and even family. Arguments would only take place within my own four walls and the 'poor' ex had to deal with all of my frustrations and temperamental outbursts, because of my refusal to confront the person and or issue I truly had a problem with. I think that when we 'grow up', this feeling of 'caution' disappears and we learn to stand for our own wants and wishes.

I know that lately I have started exploring that. Scared to death to lose friends that way, but also realising that if I don't, I'll lose myself .

When it comes to men the issue is more complicated.

A friend of mine is 'stuck' in the tug of war of passionate desire. She fell in love with a seemingly wonderful man, who just lacked some TLC  (tender love and care) in order to dare to open up. She gave him plenty. Kindness, love and affection. Like a clam, he slowly showed some of his inner space, only to shut down and shut her out soon after. He left her lingering for more, but from that point on it had become too 'dangerous' for him and he promptly decided not to let her in again, off he went in search of a new adventure. Funny as this individual was not the adventurous type when it came to love...he found some southern temperamental diva and probably reenacted the same clam-jam-act with her.

Meanwhile my friend was going through a medical crisis of her own and found herself longing for this long lost friendship. Still feeling so connected with her clam-man, that she truly hoped he would come through in her hour of need. The hour came and passed but the clam-man was nowhere in sight. No call, no mail, not a single sign of life. She defended him, saying it was hard for him to stand by her at this moment as it brought him painful memories. And still...nothing. To this day, he has not asked her how she has been, even though he has responded to some business emails from her in the meantime. An absolute riddle as to why love goes the way it goes and why we want what we can't have, it seems.

It makes me wonder why, as women, we so feel the need to nurture this indecent behaviour. Why is it so hard to believe that we deserve more and better !! And when that suddenly finds you, more often than not, we decide that a man who is prepared to make the proper 'sacrifices' for us, is not the 'type' of man we're after...afterall.
She's slowly started letting go, step by step, day by day. His picture has been removed, leaving a clean mark on a dusty shelf. The place he has in her heart remains untouched however. Hopeful still... but secretly knowing that he will most probably not return any time soon, if ever....

Having found herself surviving yet another dispappointment in her life, she still shows incredible courage and life spirit, and like in any sequel, the end of this tale surprises us with a twist..... clam-man re-appears from out of nowhere and the storyline takes an unexpected turn..... To be continued !!

What if...

So what if you found yourself dating a much younger man, but not feeling a day past his age. Lost in the emotions of it all, loving the attention, the charming ways of his courtship, and wondering how it is possible that such a young man could fall head over heals in love with an older woman. The thought has crossed my mind many a time, for it does happen, and the phenomenon intrigues me.

It's insane, of course it is;  no way in the world these two people could be compatible, or even have anything in common, right ?! But then how do you explain the multitude of men that choose to fall in love with a woman 15 to 20 years their minor. In our modern day society that is totally acceptable. Sadly even in cases where a perfectly commendable 'older' woman has been exchanged for a newer, younger version. Even then, we tolerate and accept it. After all, a woman should look up to her man, and that is more likely if they're significantly a few years younger than the man they're dating..


When it comes to younger men though, it's a different story. We consider them 'immature', too 'baby-faced' and just not 'fully baked'. But who says that's the case with all young men?! Isn't it possible that there are a few older souls out there?! Those that may have matured quicker in certain areas and think with the same 'age' of grey-matter we do. They are out there, and to confuse us all even more, they are sometimes even further along than most men our own age, ladies...!!!

The consequences of such a relationship are probably grand however. To begin with, if there are children involved they are usually shocked or maybe even scarred for life, friends may drop you like alfredo, as you seem to have gone haywire with such a choice. And family well, that is awkward enough too, as you may have to meet the parents, one day, who may only be a little bit older than yourself and that in itself seems unacceptable and extremely inexcusable.

So why is it that there's sometimes the attraction without age consideration?! Take away the numbers and the souls may fit. What is the proper thing to do then?! Do you follow your heart, or do you go with what goes?!

Of course if you want to set yourself up for a heartbreak, this may be the best way to go. A younger guy will have many more opportunities to leave you for another woman, or in his case another life. I have no idea what the odds are of such a relationship prevailing. Too many obstacles seem to pop into mind and with the current situation on 'same aged' people separating, I should think that adding the age hurdle will only complicate things even further....

Then again, a woman may find herself in some sort of need to satify her (maybe last) sexual peak and still feel attractive enough to challenge herself by testing the waters. If so, then this combination seems Godsend, as younger men are said to be more virile and willing, as opposed to their older adversaries. Something that in itself makes you wonder what the older man does with his younger woman, as we mostly (like to) think it has to do with a greater sexual appetite. I think, however, that there is more of an 'adoration' issue there, than anything else. Men love to be looked up to and admired, and admittedly, younger women still do that. Older ones know better. No offence.


Don't get me wrong though, for I am not against an age difference, it's only when age becomes part of the problem that I react strongly against it.
So, to conclude, why is it that in today's society, where so much is tolerated and accepted, the idea of a woman dating a younger man is still so outdated? ... I wonder, do we feel threatened as a society, or is it just a case of men (still) having more priviledges than women even in this day and AGE?!

Amuse Bouche

For a while know I have had the suspicious notion that the men I've dated so far, have perceived me as their 'side dish' and not their main course. I've been what the French appropriately call an 'amuse bouche' (literally an amusing mouthful). I tickled their appetite ....for more....just not more of me !!

It leaves me a little sad and disappointed to say the least, for it just seems so hard to understand that someone can like so much of you, yet, not want you. But I suppose it's exactly like that appetizer, it's a flavour explosion that makes you curiously long for the next dish.....yes...the next one. A hidden seduction... an enticement. If we 'translate' that into intimate relationships, I have only been that which one tries before the real master piece is welcomed and approved of, in other words a 'flirtation' of sorts.

It has been very frustrating to be honest, many tears have trickled down my cheeks over this, and however much I'd like to understand it.

I don't.

Can a 'side dish' ever turn into a main platter ?! Do I stand a chance in a world saturated with numerous 'pieces de resistance' ?!

One thing I'm sure of...I no longer want to be that side dish.... the one that seems suitable and readily available to accompany all meals. Easily combined and always enjoyable yet never quite the filler. I long for a complimentary combination or the whole hog. In this case that would make me the center piece of the table like a magestic banquet of..., in my case, pork.

So how do you go from being a simple 'extra' to the most wanted platter...well that's where I seem a little lost and confused. Afterall, pork needs gravy, lamb is complemented by mintsauce, chicken goes best with lemon, garlic and spices, and even bread needs butter to complete it. Still that leaves me nowhere. Except back where I started...as the complimentary side dish. Which I've decided I no longer want to be.

I guess what I'm trying so hard to say is that I no longer want to be assigned the crumbs in this meal of a lifetime. I will attend the table in honour or not at all. I will be scrumptiously tasted and flavoured and will only be satisfied if my 'taster' is left longing for more, concluding that I'm finger-licking delicious and should be cherished and adored like any proper 'piece de resistance' ought to be !!!

For now though....I have decided to decline my place at the table in order to have an appropriate 'men pause'... so at this moment in time this 'side dish' is off limits to the empty stomachs of uncommittable men with hunger pangs.

Stuck in the Moment

Find myself struck and stuck, not because I have no stories left to tell but because after my 'Heart Locked' blog, all emotion seems to have hit the 'off' button. So the next fase sets in and I suppose it leaves me pondering... and wondering...the question this time being...

'Now what' !!

I realise that this will most probably be a temporary state of mind, yet find myself feeling a bit uneasy as it might just be a bigger breath to hold this time. Feeling stuck in the moment...seeing no exit. Emotions locked away, safe and sound. Living day by day, moment by moment, no aspiration for more. Perfectly content, yet with the knowledge that hiding away feelings is most probably not the wisest way to go.

Is it possible, that I'm enjoying life, without sharing it ?! Without the longing to share it ....between two drawn souls. No need for that extra pair of everything, no need for another heart's warmth. Just living the moment, without loss, or disappointment, learning to be just me and slowly falling in love with that.

Stuck in the eye of life's storm, with a chance to soon be struck again, or maybe, just maybe, my pondering thoughts, may help it last... a little longer, long enough to get unstuck in the middle. Wondering the purpose of this pauze, as it baffles the brain yet leaves me with calm ease and tranquility.

Having time and space, to get unstuck from this momentary lapse may be the only cure, and best way out...of something I'm not sure I want to leave behind.

Looking left and right, front and back, but twirling in the midst of it, till the twirl's undone. Will I then have reached the 'unstuck' ?!

To all the stuck, I know this blog is crystal clear and to all others it must be a complete and utter 'fog blog'. My apologies for that but cannot provide you with anymore clarity of mind or matter. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be...for as long as it shall be. Live to the boundaries, close the exits, remove the doubts and warm the hearth. Welcome to the basics of love.

Paulo Coelho Writing books is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public

The life of Riches 2....

If you thought the tales of the rich were over and done with in my last 'Riches' blog, then I'm afraid you've been left with a wrong impression. Many more shall follow !!

Last week I had the pleasure of enjoying a ladies lunch in a beautiful countrylike setting, it was a 'bring your own delicious dish'  theme and for some reason women my age seem to crave sweetness, so there was plenty of cream, strawberries, merengue, cake and chocolate...!!

I makes me wonder if this is a lack of sex, warmth and heartfelt comfort at this age...then again, it may just have been coincidence...

Whilst enjoying the scrumptious food, we chitter-chattered about life's challenges big and small. One of us has breast cancer, another has so many kids that we can hardly keep track of their activities anymore and yet another is actively looking for a job, the rest is stuck somewhere in the middle... and then there's me, 'the single one'. All of us provided the group with plenty of discussion material to entertain the whole luncheon-ordeal ! In the ongoing conversation I found out that apparently we not only have gardeners to trim and cut our lawns these days, but deer have also been spotted in this neighbour-robin'-hood of wealth !!! Yes, 'deer'....as in Rudolf, the rednosed reindeer... I could not believe my ears for I never imagined such a noble animal trotting down these 'foul' rich grounds, let alone trusting us with their calves whilst mother dear deer is off to hunt!!

Having spent the afternoon lunching and lounging....I went home, carrying a pretty full tummy of contentment with my life. The thing is...no matter what situation you're in, it's all about seeing and aknowledging the positives !!(Yes, I know I keep repeating that....it's called a mantra.)

So....this week, during a night out with the girls, we were discussing weekend plans and one of my friends had the most brilliant idea, she was planning a trip to the beach with the kids and another friend and why not have a beach bbq ?! And not JUST a beach bbq, no.....a portable one !!! Yes, I can see you imagining this tiny 'use only once apparatus', but no, when we talk beach bbq around here, we mean business, and so a huge Weber 'full option bbq' is packed onto a special towing device at the back of the Range to join the beachgirls on their outing. Afterall an afternoon at the beach in late summer is not complete without one !! And because so many of the men around here have no time at the weekend to join in this funfilled family outing, due to their golfing and sailing activities....the bbq is 'girl-friendly' !!!

You gotta love my friends, they all know how to re-invent life each and every time !!


After that much laughter over the portable bbq-trailer, a much needed visit to the loo was required. The staircase to and from the toilets was pretty steep the first time round, so I was a bit nervous now, having had a few drinks...but this place wouldn't prove it's decadence if it didn't have an elevator .....and so, with a quick press on the button, we flew from ground floor to first(class) and back.

Towards the end of the evening and without even having had a drink too many, I realised that all the men looked alike, they were all just different versions of each other ...one a little thinner than the other, another a bit older than the other, some a bit taller and slightly more handsome. All 'extreem-look-a-likes' . You'd think it would make it easier to choose from, just pick and pluck what you want, but what happens if, like in my case, it just isn't your type-of-guy ???  Well, you go home and sleep on him it.

Heart Locked

Driving through town the other morning I had an epiphany about something quite crucial. It hit me, just like that, between the grocery shop and the bakery... I am no longer capable of having a relationship. I guess I have been pivoting around this point for a long time now...but just like that, it became apparent that I cannot give my heart completely. Worse even...I no longer want to give my heart to someone. It is safe and very well protected right where it is. Even so, I'm convinced that I still think, speak and feel with it, my emotional state has not been struck by this disfunction, so whatever happened, I just no longer have the desire to hand my heart over, to share it, or to take another's heart into mine.

I can no longer imagine what it is like to have the undying desire to see one particular person every single day, to have the need to be with him as often as possible.... These all seem distant and far away yearnings that I have forgotten how to have and wonder why we even have them at all. I even tend to compare relationships to how people watch tv, 'always hoping to find a better program on the other channel' and thus I assume that I will not be an item of lengthy or long interest, for the next available girl is just around the corner, also waiting to be swept away, and as easily accessible as that next channel.

No offense to those in relationships, but how the heck, do you keep the spark alive ?! I can't begin to remember what it all entails and how I managed it  for so long. At the time I think I never realised how long it was lasting and everyday must have felt like a new beginning. Now it just doesn't seem to feel right anymore. I have become accustomed to my newfound freedom and don't think it would be easy to adjust and cope with someone else's likes and dislikes.

I like being the queen of my castle, and will not abide by any king again.

I have the deepest respect for those that are still producing that magic potion called love and managing to make it last for years and years. My 'awakening' has shocked it out of me...who knows maybe only temporarily....

It must sound incredibly selfish and maybe even a little egocentric, but my life now revolves around me and my wishes, taking into consideration only, that I have 3 children who also require some much needed 'parking' space on these castle grounds !!
It has been a great challenge to even get to this point...never did the thought cross my mind that I may one day feel completely happy as a single girl. That life would be fun, and so freedom-filled and that the thought of being with someone would worry me instead of thrill me.......

The life of Riches

Finally I think I may have enough courage to write this blog ... Courage I say, because I don't intend to ridicule anyone, yet at the same time I need to stay close to the facts for this is an account of the life of the riches(t).

Not all of you may know this about me, but I live in a very 'delightful' neighbourhood, where only a 'lucky' few seem to end up in this lifetime. Most of my friends have mansions of course and even though butlers have gone out of fashion, no one is too proud to have an au pair. After all, juggling '2.4 children' and an entire estate whilst you are also expected to be sporty, drink coffees, and go out to lunch with the 'girls' is a heck of a job. One that many working people truly underestimate....

Mornings are started at a fast pace...a quick jump into the 'Juicy Couture' trainers and it's off to school with the kids in humongous cars with divine Italian or sturdy German names in dull colours but with great potence. Once back home, and after a few coffee's with friends to catch up on all the ongoing gossip of the past 24 hours, it's time for some action. Tennis, yoga, fitness, jogging, golfing all very adequate sports to partake in. One  particular friend has decided that instead of having to cramp her car into a parking space at the local gym, it is much easier to have someone come to the house for yoga lessons, so for convenience sake, the 'girls' do 'twirls' on the upstairs balcony whilst the workmen labour around the house. I often wonder what these men must think of these stretch and bend sessions, but I have the sneaky suspicion that they enjoy them just as much as my friend does !!

After all this sportiness, the stomach  is famished  peckish and so a lunch seems more than appropriate... a few friends are rendez-vous'ed and a venue is chosen....chitter chatter time! A favourite topic is men, the lack of, or the inconvenience or sometimes even a rare moment of true appreciation of them. By now, more than half of the ladies are either divorced, widowed or separated and those that are still stuck in a marriage are desperate to either stay in it or find a safe way out.  It is not always an easy thing to be in you see, most men around here work long and far away hours...of course with some much needed golf and Grand Prix breaks to somewhat alleviate their job 'stressation' !! Showing their faces at home rarely but instinctively at exactly the right moments, just enough so as not to get the pretty little wife worried or in a notch.

The single women talk long and lengthy about all their new conquests and lovers, leaving some of the marriage struck ones feeling slightly unappreciated, jealous...and wondering whether it would be manageable to have a lover 'on the side'. (Just to be clear about this, yes, it is very possible for most, were it not that they are exhausted at the end of the day from all the rushing around and dealing with kids and mansion stuff..!!!)

Nearly 4pm and most schools are out, the big rush hours set in....jumping back into the Juicy-butt-print and helping the kids look for a lost rabbit on the home tenniscourt, as the poor soul was left to think it was his new home, being an upper class rabbit and all.... the afternoon stress sets in...and many more crisis situations need to be dealt with, phonecalls, homework, childrens sports activities, nobel-peace-prize- mediation between the kids and a healthy (preferably home-deliverded) meal. All is juggled and managed only well by delegating very clearly what one wants and expects from the live-in-help !!!

Thank goodness, otherwise most of these 'poor' mothers would go insane with all these time consuming chores. Then again stress is a great excuse to get a massage and that is something everyone around here loves and indulges in...but lets not get side-tracked.

Time for a sip of wine....well, to continue the flow that started at lunchtime anyway...just to take the edge off, after all it has been a more than hectic day and there is nothing like a good rosé to make up for it at times like these !!

After dinner kids are off to bed, quick kiss and chat, and then back downstairs where all has been neatly tucked away and cleaned by the lovely Filipina-multi-functional-lady.... time to relax and enjoy before the hubby gets home. Finally just before the tenth yawn the front door is unlocked and Mr. Husband announces his precense. Greated by left overs or at times no dinner at all and a wife in an expensive but worn down track suit, with a distinct stench whiff of alcohol, he offers her a peck on the cheek and subsequently turns on the sports channel....now it's his time to relax and enjoy !! A quick and very brief account of the day is done and off to bed goes the wife, whilst hubby dear watches sports and sex marathons on tv.

I trust I have left you with an accurate yet lasting impression of just another ordinary day in the life of the riches(t) for now.....

Smiles

Watched an interview today with Joshua Radin, my newfound favourite musical artist, he was lovely, even though that may not feel like a compliment to a man, but he was. Something he said struck me. He referred to his best friend and said, that they often joked around saying it would be great to both be gay, as they always have such fun, and laugh so much together as a pair, whereas, it seems hard to find a girl nowadays that makes him laugh.

Thing is, he's right...we sometimes seem to forget that there is a 'smile' function to our 'facial-grimace-option-board which makes us so much more attractive a person !!!

I attended a beautiful wedding this past weekend, and once again met up with estranged family members, whom I had not spoken to since my separation. Every single one of them made an effort to come talk to me and to ask me how I was doing. Very kind and heartfelt indeed. It has been 4 years now and the worst part is over as far as I'm concerned, of course some things remain painful (like seeing your children on the laps of the ex husband and girlfriend on the front row seats witnessing a family wedding ceremony, that I was a part of for nearly 20 years, whilst standing somewhere in the crowd now....wondering how it happened that I became so easily 'replaceable' ...) but a strangers' kind words can be soothing, and I am thankful once again for being comforted by such a loving soul at exactly the right moment !!!

Having reassured everyone of how well I am doing, with a big smile on my face, one person said to me, '....and after all this pain, you can still speak with a smile on your face'. Yes, I can, for there comes a point that you decide you want your life to become important again and worthwhile. Of course a lot of dreams disappeared or became impossible (for now), but so many other dreams and possibilities have taken over. New challenges and adventures galore.

Life did not end for me, it is just a new beginning !

Smiling does not mean there is no pain, it just helps us find the positives life has to offer. It helps us see the world through hopeful eyes. You never know what disaster may strike next so our time here should best be enjoyed and cherished !

A good friend of mine recently received devastating news. She has cancer. Tears of desperation have been shed and her whole world including her family's has been turned upside down, but I know that she will be fine, because she has determination, and a hopeful spirit, and oh boy can she still make great jokes, and crack us up !!!
I greatly admire her, for her courage and life loving spirit. I look forward to celebrating with her next year that she too will have survived her trials and tribulations, smiling, even through the tears !!!

So a message to women (and men) all over, keep smiling, for it will attract a great many a friend into your hearts. The world just looks and feels better when you elude in happiness and smiles !!! =)

PS. May you all please support Pink Ribbon, and help many many women keep their smiles !!! =)

Say what you need to say...

Isn't that exactly what we all seem to avoid doing saying, and even in those cases where we finally say what we need to say, sometimes it comes out 'all wrong'....as is often the case with me. I either truly say too much or just not enough of what I should. I'm learning though...slowly but steadily, to speak my mind and it's become easier now that I am getting to know my out-of-control-psyche...just a tad.

It's always baffled me that some people just know exactly how things are supposed to be, their minds are clear, straight lines, no loopholes, just plain and simple. Mine isn't, it's a constant chaos of what 'if's' and what 'may's' ...never ending discussions and options, in one ear and out the other, continuous confusion, mayhem and turbulence....havocking  my 'upstairs attic room'.

I find it exhausting at times, yet wouldn't want it any other way....as it's exactly what makes me, ME. However, I so admire those with clearer views and outlined barriers. I guess it's like an interior, mine is crowded, cluttered and very lived in, but others live in minimalism often optimally maximizing their options and capacities that way !!

I'm in constant struggle with the 'shadows in my head' always wondering which voice to listen to and why...endless discussions good and bad, a waterfall of emotions streaming through now and again, after each big storm, befogging thoughts... but in the end bringing calmness and clarity for a little while, till the next downpour.

It's like living on a different plane, and 'odd-dimensional' layer, one that feels alive but invincible...kind of like the one you sometimes feel you're in after watching an action movie, where the hero, went through the toughest combats and battles ever, yet, survived and triumphed all, with barely a scratch to show for it...and leaving you in (his) euphoric exaltation.

That kind of almighty perception, is what seems to be what continuously lives in my 'mind-attic'.

So...having unveiled the insidesghts of  my 'top chamber', and probably leaving you thinking I am absolutely bonkers, rest assured that it keeps me living the vida loca, that I so love to dwell in. Looking forward to what comes next, always !!

Huffington Post !!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/05/share-your-breakthrough-s_n_667245.html#s123650

Slowly Shrivelling

I decided today that I am getting OLD !!! My face has gone wrinkly.....37 has caught up with me and become visible. No longer able to pretend to be young, by acting it, as the lines on my face give it away now.
Not sure I really like that, even though I used to think I wouldn't have a problem with ageing at all...well, apparently... I do. It's strange how men seem to get more handsome with age, yet women just shrivel and crumple. Mother Nature, must have had her say in this....obviously making sure she kept plenty of good looking men around for herself !

Of course there are ways to make it 'go away'; botox, fillers, face lifts, you name it !! But the fact is....you're only delaying the process and in time it catches up with you anyway.
So, after having bought a very expensive 'plumping cream', and carefully rubbing it on my face, I realised there was absolutely no change...and just the mere realisation of THAT has created yet another 'frown' on my creasing face !!!

So now what....just accept it and grow old in dignity ?! No way, I refuse to !! It is not fair, that only half our lives we're allowed to roam wrinkle-free-and-young on this planet. All fashion dictates in magazines is outer beauty, and 'photochoppedshopped' perfection....and here I am with my face and hair in the process of slowly shrivelling and thinning out by the day hour...

Stuck in my 'sexual peak' years, finally feeling comfortable enough with my body as it is, (which is by no means as great as it used to be ;-) ) yet now having to switch off the light to hide my wrinkles....and having to accept that time is catching up and taking it's toll, all in one subtle move one glorious morning.... The day you all of a sudden look older, than yesterday.... Doom's Day !!

I find myself wanting to scream, but refusing to do so, as screaming may create even more wrinkles ! And the thought of one more small hint of a line, just horrifies me !!!

In my 'younger' days, I used to see older women on TV, and I remember thinking and saying, "look at what a wonderful life she's had, you can tell by the lines on her face." Well, I no longer seem to agree with that thought. It's a fright in the mirror every morning....shocked to encounter my own reflection, feeling not a day over 20 yet looking way older !!! I think I may officially be having a crisis of age....I'm afraid Carl Jung warned us all for this, 'an emotional transition as a normal part of the maturing process...' (sounds like Swiss Cheese to me... ;-) ) but I guess he was right...and there are five phases to go through. I'm still in the first one...shock...!! Denial, depression, anger and acceptance still need to come...so wrinkles beware, this fight's not over YET !!!!

Time after Time

Luscious and scrumptious tasting ingredients... flour,sugar, milk and eggs seem easy enough a combination....placed into the 'hearth' to rise and bake..


What happens when the oven door opens too soon and the cake is not ready....not fully baked...yet so tempting and seducing with it's lingering aroma. When what you think is fate seems, to have arrived too early....being not quite there yet ?! Or maybe it will never be what it might have been intended to become. Wondering why, is a waste of time, it's something that becomes apparent after endless sleepless nights and plenty of circles on the roundabout. Sometimes timing just ain't right. It's as simple as that. Sometimes a point of no return put you there, in the middle of uncertainty. Left to ponder and explore.

Wondering.....why...and why not. Over and over again. Some things need time, to adjust, to entwine, and to connect, just rightly. Just like the cake. No use pushing it. Patience becomes a true virtue in these cases, for there is not a single certainty to this real life open ended recipe.

So time after time, desperately trying to find the right button to press, thinking I may have found it and realising that even though I seem to hit some home truths, I cannot get to what lies beyond them....that, which is safely tucked away, in a comfort zone for fears to reign.

When truths are untold or left out, time has a way of resurfacing them, at exactly the right moment, does the same thing happen with fate....does it fall into place at exactly the right instant ?!  Will time ensure the proper outcome of it?!

And how does the concept of 'wasted time' fit into this...how long do you 'take your time' ?! Is time endless and unwinding ?! Does time also need distance to evolve and grow...

When we find ourselves in this 'lost zone', a 'black hole' as it were, filled with endless possibilities, yet yearning for our wish to come true....do we stare into the darkness hoping to see what we so hope to see, only to find that in the end, life throws you in an unexpected twirl....?! Are we constantly grasping at straws ?! Or is there a way to make happen, what we so want to make happen.

A good cake is made from an 'old recipe' one that has been sampled over and over again, all the ingredients blending into a fantastic flavour, one that is so tasty, that it will make us want to make the cake again, and again. Is this too needed in relationships, the right ingredients at exactly the right time....Ensuring taste and structure ?! It seems logical enough.

A year ago, my ingredients were finally assigned to me ....and I combined them with someone else's hoping to bake a fabulous cake together, but everytime I stare into the oven and see, that to this day, the smell is wonderful, it looks fantastic and tastes close to perfect, but something seems to have gone wrong with the structure of it all....and neither of us seems capable of 'fixing' it....we keep leaving it mushy and nearly done...each choosing a different and new mix elsewhere, thinking that will make us the cake we think we want...but will it !?!

I guess maybe, once time and distance get a chance to work it out, the cake may possibly have fully baked to perfection....fate remains... and only time will tell.

Cause life is full of comfort and challenges..... X

Off the Roundabout

Having spent many days driving in circles on life's roundabout, I have finally taken an exit...hopefully the right one.

Once a year I get a week of  'ME' time as the kids go on holidays with their dad. It seems to have a strange effect on me, for in that week, I party, hardly sleep and mostly just try to enjoy life to the limit. As I did this time...

I took a wonderful ride, full of fun and adventure, with a sense of new found freedom that is usually unknown to me. Only to find that with the return of my children, my life too came back, and hit me hard.
I had been living Cinderella's night out at the castle, the pumpkin chariot, the fairy godmother, and even the handsome young prince all played a part in my week's fairytale, one I so wanted to turn into reality, yet found out that even my deepest desires couldn't keep that scene enchanted !! And so the fairytale ended, but not as they usually do, I'm afraid.

Real life just has no clue as to what fairytales are made of. We often have all the right ingredients, yet still manage to make a mess of things. Luckily, the real life version of my life, is one I cherish and prosper in.

However deciding what is right is not an easy task, for what is right for me now, is no longer what was right for me pre-kids, or pre-marriage, or pre-awakening, or even what will be right for me next month or next year... Some things still seem to happen for the first time, even though I am a grown up mother of three. And without wanting to sound  melodramatic, I do think that my life seems at times to be one big Greek drama. Comedy and tragedy blended into some sort of happy meal type package deal of the week, or month. Each time with a surprise element included ;-) Not always one I am actually 'happy' with, I might add.

So, slowly adjusting back to my actual life, kind of freaks me out too. As much as I love my children, I do not only consist of 'motherness', this week showed me that there is within me a woman dying to live her life and satisfy her needs and expectations. Something that may sound awful, egoistic and maybe even self centered. I may actually be suffering from a fluke I never thought would happen to me. Being in control of everything, always, I now feel like I'm in my pumpkin chariot which turned into a loose projectile, flying through my neighbourhood, hitting anything and everything and not quite understanding why. Probably creating havoc and damage all over, yet not knowing how to stop it.

So...for now, I took an exit...no idea where this road is going to take me, but hopefully to stiller waters and greener pastures. So that all the damaged territory can have time to heal and recover, whilst I'm on this road less travelled.....curving slowly into the French country side....welcoming me into La douce France for a much needed time-out !!!

Ashton-ishing !

Once again it happened....having 'frightened' away my 'first knight', because of my trust issues and probably other significant stuff it has made me wonder if this relationship tango is even possible for me. I find myself feeling happy, yet, something seems to be standing in the way of love. But what...?!

The other day a friend of mine pointed out to me that I seem to be attracting the 'wrong' crowd...feeling young at heart, it seems that that is exactly what is being projected, and therefore my unexpected and unprecedented  'target' group have become the 'much younger men'.....

This is not something that I aim at, but for some reason it seems to happen every time, and it has me wondering whether it has to do with my inability to decide what I want in a relationship, or just plain coincidence..
These younger guys are enjoying their life, their spirits are so full of positivity and they have many plans and ambitions and still have a sense of old fashioned romance, that older men seem to lack. For the latter, any fuss seems too much of a hassle and so they decide enough is enough and they move on to the next available woman, this probably explains why younger women get picked generally, as they have less 'complications' in life.

Not feeling too sure about my own thoughts on the great age gap, yet curious to explore, I realize this may be dangerous territory for everyone involved. Always worrying about what people may say or think, and what judgements might be made. Speculations and or opinions of others seem to affect me too much, even though it's my life to live, and my call to make. Having been pointed out this exact issue by a much younger person in my life, it finally truly hit home for me. We live in a society where no one would have commented if I were to go out with an older man, but when the age difference is the other way around, it's 'not done'. Men get away with it, women don't, unless you happen to be Demi ;-)

So it leaves me wondering where I stand in this all. Do we choose a person or love according to age ?! Or is it just a number indicating how long we've been around?! And who gets to decide which number fits and which one doesn't ?! I'm sure it's not as simple as it all may seem, as Prince Charming may come riding by in many attires. Some of which we may have thought were exactly what we wanted, yet in the end were nowhere near what we needed, or wished for. It makes me think of Shrek, a modern time fairytale mocking the looks, size and age of  Mr. Perfect, love knows no settings, only those that trigger your deepest emotions and they somehow remain unexplainable. And so it should be.

The criticisms of the world, of which I once too did partake, now seem so out of place and dated. Does that mean I no longer have morals and values, or is it just a different view on life?! Who is to tell ....
What I have noticed is that looking into that direction and option, brings turbulence to life. Uprooting all sorts of beliefs and values seems to be part of this rollercoaster ride we're all on, and in turn it hurts those that cannot and will not budge. I am sorry for that, yet will not quit the ride for it.

Finding myself being challenged by these new and exciting aspects of life, I can't help but to wonder why it is only now that I am confronted with things that others did and learnt at much earlier stages of their lives. This proving to me, once again, that age is but a number, as experience comes when it comes. It is an awkward time in my life to still be doing this trial and error excercise. Once again another new road has opened up and it's time to take a walk, wander and take in.

For if you don't take a plunge into the deep end once in a while, you may not find what it is you're looking for. No pain, no gain, seems an appropriate slogan to go with. So try before you die and remember that most of all, it is your own self that needs to feel happy and alive, when that happens, your joy will hopefully be contagious enough to help settle the dust that you caused to arise !!!

Solitude Mood

Sunshine or not, the tough days still seem to appear out of the blue. Funny how you can be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, yet feel so lonely at times. It just goes to show that loneliness is inside of you, not influenced by outside factors. (Although keeping busy can help your lonely spirit hide.)
Today happens to be one of those days...the sun is out and making everyone happy, yet I find myself excluded from it. No kids, no friends, no family. Just me.

Draining in self pity I guess, for a bit...as no happy thought and no amount of sunshine seems to do the trick.

It's just one of those days...

We all have them I'm sure, a friend of mine has had to put her kids on a plane for a month long trip to visit their father abroad, it must have been so hard for her to do, yet she will hopefully not feel lonely as she has found her prince charming and his love and attention will take the edge off missing her girls.

I know you should never count on the other person for your own happiness, that's not how it works, you need to be and feel happy yourself and the other person will just add to that. Thing is.....it would be nice at times to have that addition...just that little bit extra. Knowing a special person out there thinks the world of you and will undrown your sorrow. Can't help but think that makes me greedy and needy....yet doesn't everyone hope to find that ?!

It's on the off days that life looks so gloomy, and for some reason, it's hard for me to get through them...
Miss my kids, and all their laughter. Feel excluded from friend and family events, as sometimes my presence is no longer appreciated. It makes things awkward and hard for everyone involved, I am still the same person, just no longer suitable. All very understandable, which makes it even harder at times, for I do not want to let anyone feel uncomfortable or obliged.

It's weird how it happens that by being single at my age, makes you less likely to get invited to things that couples and families do together. Especially at weekends and dinner parties. So best and only option is to find your own fun in life. And I say this trying to convince myself out of my solitude mood. ;-)

A full 24 hours of indulging myself in ME time, and not having had a single proper conversation with anyone, leaves me feeling like a hermit, secluded from society. And that is not my thing.
Even so, a 'time out' is good for everyone, time to self reflect, ponder and wonder. Life is not always on the up, so it's good to explore the lowlands.

I wouldn't be me if a plan of action had not been made so ....as the skies turn grey and rain approaches, soon enough my kids will be back home, grandparents will be visiting and enough food to feed the hungry will decorate the table !! Now THAT, is what I call living the good life !

The loneliness ? It gets tucked away till next time....  ;-)

Trust Issues

Apparently if you get hurt somewhere along the way of love, sometimes without even noticing it at first, cuts appear and scars occur. Funny how this doesn't become apparent until it's allready full blown in your face. After years of 'healing' and 'growing' I thought I had reached the point of being able to 'start over'. Everything was running smoothly, great friends, caring family, well settled kids, and a new life that suited me and all my likes, and the will to love again !

How wrong I was.

A few trial and errors had not seemed so harmless at the time, even though they hurt the ego and caused some tiny emotional turmoil. Every single time I dusted myself off and set my path onwards. Of course wondering why and what may have led to the unsuccesful 'relationship', but determined to learn from it and make better judgements next time round.

So, not considering that each and every 'other' time, I was actually dealing with a new and 'other' person, I became strict and non acceptive. Trusting someone is not as easy as it once was, when I blindly followed and believed. After having been 'screwed around' a few times, I figured everyone had such a deviously deceptive plan and intention in mind, never considering that there may still be noble men (and women) out there. Taking a look around, didn't help much either, as people seemed to be splitting up for the most insane reasons possible, left and right.

Finding myself checking things in shameful 'Big Broher Like Ways', and thinking it an absolute natural way of handling the situation. I never considered that it may just be a way of controlling my own feelings, so they wouldn't again get hurt. At times, the 'spying' would lead to nothing as the hunch would not turn out the way I expected it to, and other times I would think something of a certain 'act' that meant nothing and was easily clarified with a perfectly innocent explanation.  So what I ended up doing is looking for the 'fault' .....UNTIL I  found ANYTHING...because all I seemed  to want, was to be right about the person in question not being trustworthy. The trouble with all this snooping around is that, you leave no space for naturalness, for true desire, or attraction. It kills anything and everything by suffocating the 'butterfly' breeze. Not only do you achieve hurting yourself anyway, but you now also find yourself hurting other people, especially those with the best intentions.

It became apparent to me that we can only open ourselves up to love if we open ourselves up to pain and hurt. For without one, there is no other.

A great challenge lies before me, as I must now find a way to trust and not be afraid of the consequences. In a world where everything seems scattered and upside down, and ethics are lost in desires. Putting an end to my own doubts and without hurting yet another person. I hope that it will be possible to find my way again, and if I'm lucky, very lucky, there'll be some out there willing to lovingly help me get there. :-) So I guess it's about time to cut the crap and cut some of them out there, some slack ....daring to jump in the deep end ! Leaving it up to fate.....sticking with it...to see how the story goes....

Naked Truth

Fashion dictates all over body issues....how we look, what we wear, what is accepted and acceptable; and yes, even what is underneath all that... !!!

Great changes have taken place since I went into puberty...from wild natural bushes, to elegantly trimmed acres and smooth silky pastures. Weird how something so primal can go through such an evolution. How does it happen and why ?! Do we feel that nothing needs covering up anymore ?! Or is it a desire to rid ourselves of our primaeval heritage ?! And if so, why ....?!

Do we find the need to expose that which is hidden because life is complicated enough and it seems our only and most natural way to show our true colours, and purity.... Or is it only a desire to look and feel good. Do these trends occur maninly early on in new relationships, and do they last ?! Asking around, I have noticed that not everybody is up to date with the latest fashion 'between the sheets'. Some couldn't be bothered and feel that after years of marriage, there is no need for refreshing cuts ;-) afterall, there 'should' be no comparison right ?!

No...not 'right', as nowadays anything and everything can be 'googled' !!! So the latest fashion in hair 'down under' is available to all those keen enough to type a search for it. Images included !!

Why we sometimes go through the trimming 'torture' remains puzzling, as it is not comfortable to wax, smelly and nearly lethal to 'Veet', and very sensitive to shave daily not to mention extremely itchy the day after ;-). And I haven't even begun to talk about ingrown hair follicles, rashes or all the various shapes and sizes in womens- in-between-the-legs -'creations'.

We take things far as human beings, men have started shaving all over too, areas, that to me seem unmanly when hairless, but the trend is set and people follow. There are individuals who feel that after the succes of snow white teeth, anus bleaching is the way to go, no offence but who cares how perky and 'blond' buttholes look ?! Some even go to the extremities of vagina regenarations, whereby everything is 'tightend' back into teen proportions .....somehow this sounds very pedophile to me.

All for what ?! A better sex life ....I wonder, because  a great sex life  involves passion, desire and if you're lucky, plenty of love. Things that don't seem fazed by the exterior looks or fashion statements of your new found lover.

However, does what 'goes' have to be followed or do we do what we feel is best, and most convenient ? Should that be convenient to us or to the other person ?! Of course 'flossing' should be done with proper dental floss, but other than that, I see no other real problem with which style we choose to go for. How far do we go to 'please'....and how much of a sacrifice and effort do we make ?!
Does it influence the magic between two people or is it just a seductive method, to attract the other sex and confrim our own idleness. New partners take time to get used to, to adjust to each other's likes and dislikes, to learn the tricks of the trade. A voyage of great exploration, fun and pleasure. We embark on this mission in the hope that our fashion statement will get us what we want, yet somewhere along the journey, we realize that what we want may not be stated in that fashion !!!

It has been a marvelously funny and enlightening quest, I would like to extend special thanks to those who shared plenty of 'views' and details !! ;-) May you peak in great style !!!

Go with your own Flow

After spending years of constant struggle between ratio and emotion, endless discussions held in my head, debates and doubts...I have now reached the point of 'go with my own flow' !!!

It is exhausting to think everything over and wonder whether you are making the right decision at each and every point in life. Sometimes even with the best precautions we still go wrong, and other times we find ourselves in the right lane, just by accident !

Everybody's input in your struggle is important, but, it is you yourself who needs to live the path, and sow the seeds needed to evolve and blossom !
We try to protect ourselves from all harm and hurt, yet, at times it is exactly that, that helps us grow. Nothing is set in stone, and just because today might not be a day of great decision making, does not mean that tomorrow will be the same again...today's mistakes are tomorrow's learnt lessons.

At times it's best to live by the day, by the hour, or by the minute even....enjoying it all to te fullest. Confident that it will all turn out exactly how it's supposed to.

After hearing about yet another tragic death, and knowing that that person saw no other way to end the misery, you realize that life is a struggle for everyone, but it's how you deal with that struggle that's important.
And it's what you do with it that makes you who you are, take it or leave it.

All too often, we feel the need to explain our actions, and our words. The world may feel that you have to act a certain way, accept certain things, but it's just not always possible, it's in exactly this way that we discover our borders, our own rational and emotional margins. At times, these may change or evolve, depending on the way we feel and how we are approached, but having those borders is human. Living with them is what makes it bearable and safe.

Asking a person to ignore them or be untrue to them is asking someone to deny their very being. A request that should never be approved or accepted.

So when in doubt or serious debate, trust your inner self, your GUT...the drive within you and go with that flow. That way no one else is ever to blame, but yourself, and when you find the chosen to be exactly what you wanted, you will feel the GLORY of it ! And remember always.....'no guts, no glory....' !!

First Knight

One fine day out of nowhere and without a single warning....you meet a lovely and decent guy. As in fairytales, out of the blue, unexpected and so exciting !! A first encounter is soon planned, no time to change your mind, this time a restaurant setting in the middle of the countryside, for lunch on a sunny day. Nerves travel up and down your body, heart seems to skip some essential beats, leaving you breathless at times. Face flushed with a sweet pink blush, like the ones little kids get after an exciting ride at the fair. And off you go, to meet...

You take a look, recognise your date and feel a sigh of relief, that this time, it is truly the guy in the picture. A kiss on the cheek to greet each other and then you place yourself opposite to him at the table, feeling so excited and relieved that that first moment has just passed. Within minutes wine is ordered and gulped down, to relieve the tension and the everlasting nerves.... it thankfully helps.

For once the conversation is smooth and oh so alike, recognizable experiences and lifes' stories....you both have children, both have ex 's, both have so much to offer, yet with such caution. You hardly manage to nibble on the delicious food that is served with great care and a wink from the waiter as he sees you're on what seems to be an actual date !

Conversation is great, time flies, and then you realise you had so much fun, with a person who is practically a perfect stranger to you. After a goodbye peck on the cheek, you each return to your own lives, and ponder all that was said and told. Finding that the other person keeps entering your mind at intervals, and you wonder how it could all have such a great effect on you, that sudden meeting with a perfect stranger...

Opportunity presents itself and date two is made, a movie....now this is a challenge for there is no room for talk, just silent sitting and staring, with an occasional laugh or tear....again it feels comfortable and familiar. Way past midnight you once again receive a kiss on the cheek with the promise of keeping in touch. (Now where have we heard that before...) You leave and wonder whether this time this guy will follow through, whether it is possible to trust again, believe again. As human as we are, we do, we not only believe but we have hope and cherish the promise made.

Happy amazement when a day and a half later a picture arrives in your email inbox. He is out there having fun, yet thought of you...and wanted you to be a part of it..sharing it and caring enough to know you'll appreciate it..!!
After building up the excitement for a few days, another date is planned, carefully, and in secret. The genteman that he is he arrives exactly on time, smelling fresh and clean, and looking oh so good. Nerves seem to melt as soon as he walks in the door, champagne bubbles and strawberries form the decor to a lovely evening sharing lifes' tales and sorrows. A bond seems to be forming magically, a sense of wonder fills your soul and curiosity makes you want to know more and more about this man. Time flies, stories told, experiences shared.....

Then at midnight the fairytale slowly comes to an end as you realise that you both have to get up early the next day, so after some lingering.....it's time to say your goodbye's... so sweet and so innocent, a perfect gentleman still, and you find yourself longing for that first kiss, that tingle and suspense....
And there... like in the movies, just before he leaves, he kisses you, leaving you breathless and flushed and longing for more....

The very next evening is date number four....is it possible to have found that first Knight ?!! :-)
(Or is this once again a set up for one of lifes' great lessons ?!)

Principal Truths

At times I sit an wonder whether this world has come to an opened up Pandora's box. The lying, cheating, back stabbing and rotten ways in which we seem to treat each other these days is attrocious. If it weren't for some solid and faithful friendships, I think I would have long declared my time on Earth enough.
The facades, the masks, the pain inflicted without a single care, are too many to mention, too many to examine, too many to handle.

It leaves a simple soul wondering if anything at all is real, honourable and trustworthy.

No, I am not suffering from a depression, but feel that in some ways our society is. We seem infatuated with ourselves and our every craving....

But what about the real shit, the real pain, the real suffering; ...hunger, starvation, poverty, epidemics, child labour, cancer, aids, natural disasters, death.

Why is it we seem to worry about what car to drive, what house to own, what important position to have, yet always finding ourselves being exceeded by the next 'guy', because once you start that cycle, you are never a winner, always 'just' under...

A few years ago, our middle daughter was taken to hospital for what seemed a 'normal' pneumonia. The X-rays showed that a part of her lung had collapsed, medicines were given, treatment started, tests done, and at a certain point she was referred to a more specialised hospital in the country, where she had even more tubes stuffed down her throat, and more exams to determine the exact cause....assuming the worst, it was blissful when nothing was found truly wrong with her, except for a juvenile lack of certain immune system values. What a relief, but whilst she and I spent the night there, I saw children, bald ....pale...sick. Their eyes, with a dull despair, yet full of determination and bravery. Parents, sitting there, with them, day in, day out... their patience being tested, but with enough courage and strength for all involved. The horrible night scenes of pain and desperation, as the effects of the medicines kicked in...

I left there humbled.

Amazed that when I got back, people were discussing 'fashion' and 'cars', everyday chit chat, the type I had often had as well, but this time it was different, it no longer seemed important, it no longer seemed necessary, but simply pointless and shallow.
It took a while, but as it happens, life fell back into place, and relieved that our daughter was declared 'unexplainably healthy' ...old patterns returned.

Another disaster moment, hit. Separation. The world turned upside down and a rollercoaster ride of emotions set it's course. Again, so much seemed so uninportant, so much seemed shoal. Yet once again life found it's way back to me.

Friends going through horrid stories of their own, struggling, drowning, lost and confused, with the same fears and the same emotions, nothing anyone can do for them, but hope and pray they find their way.

I sit here longing for some good old fashioned 'caring', in this totally insane and fast lane life. Hoping people will open their eyes and heart to others, and stop being so acceptive of all the moraly unjust and undone !! No harm in daring to say what you feel, and feel what you say.  Straight forward, and honest principal truths.

Time Out

So...out of pure curiosity and a reminder that my subscription was coming to an end, I once again dared to take a look at the 'online available men catalogue'. Within a few minutes the first message bleeped in my inbox. It was short and to the point. 'I like your picture, if you want more, write back to me'...now there's a real charmer !! ;-)

After a little while a second message entered my inbox, this time it was longer and more flattering, and seeing that the picture looked ok by my standards, I replied. I was soon asked to meet up on MSN. Now you have to know that in the dating world as I know it, being asked to chat on MSN is not always a good thing, so I was reasonably prepared.... About 4 minutes into the light conversation...the topic 'sex' popped up,  on my screen... all my courage sank and within seconds I had deleted, blocked and gotten rid of this attention seeking individual.

It seems easy enough, except you end up feeling 'used' and 'abused'. I had decided not to let that happen again, yet there, within seconds it just 'sneaked in'.
It made me re-think the whole dating scene all over again. And without wanting to sound bitter or negative, it just seems to me, that there are no 'honourable' available men out there right now, for some odd reason.

It has left me a little discouraged and disappointed to say the least, yet if I'm very honest, I have no idea how a man would fit into my life, OUR life, anyway...!! I like having the freedom to decide what to do, when and with whom. No TV-channel arguments, shoes to trip over, underwear in the 'lost and found' corner of the bathroom and no snoring in bed (except my own occasional snore..;-)).

Yet I find myself sending a 'message' to a much younger friendly looking man. He responds kindly and even seems keen to meet. Still young enough to 'block' the thought of me having 3 kids out of his mind for now and sensible enough to wait and see if there is even a 'click' between us. He keeps up a cheerful and amusing email conversation with me for a few days and then drags his MSN out of the 'dustbin' to engage in quicker chit chat. He is too kind, too soft and too willing once again. So interest is lost from my side. Unbelievable.
How is it possible that we seem programmed to mainly want what we can't have ?!

So I let the contact die out once again....this time it's a good and sensible decision. He's too young, and deserves a life and litter of his own !

The quest however does not continue.... it's TIME OUT, time to enjoy a wonderful summer with the kids. I feel relieved, free and I look forward to this new fase I'm entering....

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex and the City