Rainy Days

It has been rainy and grey now for months on end. I think that at this point many of us feel drained by it's constant presence. We are in need of light, warmth and sun, or so we say. In a world governed by materialism, we seem unable to just pre-order this particular commodity. And so it makes us gloomy and emphasises the hard times.

Yet rain has a way of washing away your troubles, cleansing and refreshing the air we breathe. I have found that other side to this rain. A side, like most of us, that I had slightly forgotten. You see, rain makes the insides cosy, being stuck indoors together promotes bonding. A sense of closeness that sunshine cannot provide. Obviously sunshine makes you feel good, and feeling good is a wonderful sensation, the thing is, it's not hard to feel good when the sun is out and everything is looking bright....it's when the outsides are gloomy and teary that the gift of feeling good is felt best. Snuggling together on a couch to watch a movie or turning on the oven to bake delicious cakes with your kids, or even sitting down to a good and long overdue conversation are some of the things that warm our hearts profoundly. I've noticed that rain brings togetherness, joins and stimulates friendships into deeper levels. We get to the root of things - so to speak.

Having been through a rough few months lately, I have found that it is bad times that help us find the good ones. Taking myself out for a walk every single day, has opened my eyes to what beauties this rain has brought to nature. Trees are now a fluorescent shade of early spring green, flowers are starting to bloom, birds come out to sing and flirt with one another and the smell of fresh rain in the woods HAS to be one of the most amazing smells on earth...a musky yet fresh aroma of quenched earth and drenched trees that warms your heart in a way the sun cannot. Why ? Because it is a miracle found hidden away from the obvious!! That is where the secret lies.

So just a word of thanks to the ever lasting rainy days for reminding me that what seems dreary can actually hold extreme beauty and warmth and that happiness is found where you least expect it.

Mannerism

As a woman, it's utterly impossible to even fathom the thought of trying to understand a man's way of thinking. Believe me, I've tried. A man does and says things that we women often misinterpret from start to end. We are mostly left in the confusion of wonder. Often trying to fill in the question marks by filling in the gaps with our own way of thinking. This takes us even farther from what goes on in a man's head.

So, what does go on in there ? Anything ? Anyone ?

Nope, I don't have the answers, if anything, I am more at a loss for them than ever....I find myself trying every time to see the logic of their brain patterns, wondering if thoughts take place in their head, heart or a few inches lower even ....each time I'm convinced that I've figured it out and know which 'buttons' to press, the sequence changes and I find myself starting from scratch again.

Some profess their undying love to you, only to turn around one day and simply say they've changed their minds and no longer feel that way about you. Just like that....no warning, so you're left wondering what 'killed' the moment, what killed that 'once-upon-a-time-unconditional-love', which suddenly became 'conditional'.
We women would give off some signs, hints and screams making it clear that something might not be going in the right direction, alarm bells would be ringing - in desperate attempts to make the needed changes or adjustments. But a man, a man sits on his problems, refuses to talk about them by entering his safe zone...'the man cave'....while they keep us outside at a safe distance, the result being that we women, will only find out what the verdict is once he decides to come out of there having made up his mind. There and then, there will be no more room for discussion, once it's made up, it's made up.

So why are there so many bestsellers on the shelves on how to read your man's mind ? How to conquer his emotions, and lure him back into your world again? Is that even possible after a cave session ? Having read a few of those 'self-help-books' (which don't really live up to their name anyway)...I've come to the conclusion that however hard a woman tries and  WANTS to understand men, in order to make life easier, they just CANNOT.

There is no set of rules that applies to all....there are no answers if he feels he has no questions, there is no logic if he wants none. Life just comes at it is. Everyday brings a new set of 'rules'.

It's time to just accept that. No more bending over backwards to apologise or understand, no more trying to prove that things could be different next time.  No more begging or pleading into an unknown mind. A woman is a woman and a man is a man. Or else all it's going to be is a woman's point of view on a man's perception....and that .....is useless. Stick to what you know, not what you don't and never assume.

Intro Mies

Right, the journey is about to begin, buckle up and get yourself a front seat as I'm about to embark on one of life's most fascinating adventures....the 'WHO AM I - trip' !!

Most of us choose to ignore the whole bloody trip, because to be honest it's a real hassle to pack and prepare for it, and it's not always what it's cracked up to be, especially when we hit upon the rough and ugly spots....but they're a MUST if you want to do this trip to the max. If you only look at the goody-two-shoes-bit, then you'll end up letting your inner demon reign. You can't have one without the other....and once you've explored both ends of those dug outs, then you need to balance them out, find a truce between them and decide which stuff to dump and which to keep.

The point of this whole journey is to make myself the centre of MY universe. Know what I like, and what I don't, why I do and why I don't, what to do and what not, who to keep and who not, simply tie some knots and throw out some sandbags. All this...seen from MY point of view, not yours, or my mom's, or my childrens' or any good friends' .....no, MINE !! very selfishly ....just mine.

What and who do I give a shit about....what makes me tick, what triggers me and how ? Why do I yearn to please some and not others, how do I stop seeking approval and just ZEN into my own vibe of approval and appreciation.

This trip is not for the faint hearted, or those that are still too concerned with how they profile themselves upon others...NO. If you're still into that, then don't bother reading any further!! I mean, you too may have a trip to go on :  ALONE, that is a MUST. But feel free to tap into my guideline as you follow along....REMEMBER though...it's MY guideline, not yours, seek your own eventually !!

It is a journey into your inner self region, scary territory.....so be prepared, open yourself to countless possibilities and outcomes, as the destination is never revealed beforehand !!

Mine has started, due to a build up of emotions that just poured out, unrelentlessly, sometimes in private and other times just whenever they felt like it (very embarrassing, mind you). At first I thought it would quickly pass, but it didn't, so I started going to massages, just to get rid of the tension and believing that getting my back rubbed would melt those troubles away too... NOPE....it's helping, but it's only ONE tool....

Next one is YOGA.....I am now slowly learning to breathe again....yes, you can't imagine what it's like to actually feel  cool breath enter your mouth, pass your throat, into your chest and way down into your tummy, slowly....thoughtfully and controlled. It's Exhilarating !!
The yoga itself with it's stretch and relaxation is helping my body regain it's strength and flexibility, preparing it to become my 'TEMPLE' (I know, I've never been into all these 'abracadabra' words either, but they kind of emphasise my point here!)

Today I took a new step, I visited an acupuncturist.....not a single needle entered my body, but just by pressing a little here and there and asking to see my tongue (blech!!!). He gave me a glimpse of myself, the one I had desperately tried to hide from him !!!

And here's the clue....NO HIDING...not from myself, because if I do, I'll only kid myself and this trip will just end up being postponed till next time....
I'm not one for waiting as you all may know by now and so, I choose to take this trip NOW, and enjoy the ride wherever possible.
I apologise beforehand to those I may end up 'hurting' or 'losing' on this trip, it's not my intention to do so, but I've been told that there will be casualties and friendships may dissolve. The 'pleaser' in me is saying sorry now, as I may not feel sorry about it, once I find my true ME, you know... the confident one, that may no longer give a flying f@ck about your opinion, but will take your honest concern or advice into account, realising I will never be 'better' than you. That is not the point of this. The point is self reflection, self knowledge and self indulgence, to find the inner peace needed to be happy with just ME.

Apparently after that, all the rest is bonus happiness !!

Ok, fasten your seat belts, hold on tight......this crazy woman is on her way to the next level !!! :-)

In Loving Memory of a True Friend

We found each other after years apart
our friendship grew from heart to heart.
So much pain in common we shared
so much hope and strength we paired.
Both believing ....in the good times up ahead.

A piece of me I gave to you
but so much of you now remains with me.
I promise to live and love like we both said
never wait or hesitate !!

Life is too short
you so often told me....
Until we meet again
my dear true friend...

I will miss you always....Mies X

Fate Rules

And so....just like it started, in a flash, it ends. Funny how all I seem to remember are the wonderful moments, the fun, the togetherness, the joy of daring to look into the future together and making plans. Trips, dinners, drinks, couch-potatoe'ing together, everything now has a lovely silver lining, and a nostalgia shadowed by a feeling of lament for it having ended far too soon. How, can so much love disappear into thin air ?! Did we fool love, or did love fool us?

Most of the memories now go into my 'most cherished' box. And I find myself piling them in like a mad woman, for all of a sudden I see the lovely moments and relive them one by one, realising they were indeed worthwhile and even the painful memories make me utmost grateful and happy. Yet it's only now, that it's over, that I see it, that I realise the value of what I had. Why do we humans always realise this when it's too late. 'You only know what you've got when it's gone'  ....When there is no way back and so we use this to learn our lessons in life, and do better next time....

Next time is not an option right now ...because just like that, when it ended, it began. I felt my heart skip a beat and knew, that it belongs to one person only. Love struck, and this 'condition' can be long lasting.
It is far too late, happened much too slow, and there is no known remedy.

So, if it's no longer in the cards for me, I shall have to leave it at that let it be and set it free and keep enjoying all the rest, my kids, friends, family and all that warmth and love that they provide. I'll still feel a void, undoubtedly, and it may even be forever..!! But that's only because sometimes, you just stumble upon the right person even though the timing may seem off and the combination may seem odd, yet in your heart, you know it's absolutely right.

And so, I slowly realise that this is my choice, I choose to love, whether it means that I will be loved or not my heart is open and willing. More than that, we cannot do in life, except decide how WE ourselves stand in what we want and hope for, the rest is up to FATE.

Teddy Bear Love

There comes a time when all of a sudden it feels like someone turned the lights on, whilst you were walking around in the dark banging yourself against anything and everything because you just couldn't see. Then, just like after a dark day, the fog is lifted and all is CLEAR...you blink a few times and realise that you WERE lost in the dark. Not knowing what was left or right, front or back. But now the view is unclouded, the trouble is, you hit and broke so much in that darkness, that you actually destroyed the place you were at.

Some of the damage may not be all that bad, just a few pick-ups and setting straights, but sometimes valuable stuff gets broken, so much so, that you wonder if it's even possible to repair. So the option of replacement comes to mind. After all the broken pieces look useless and destroyed. I guess that it mainly matters WHAT was actually shattered, HOW much it meant to you beforehand and WHETHER you still want it.

I know tons of toddlers that carry around a tattered old bear, one eye missing, ears and arms sown and re-sown back on many times, not much left of their furry bellies from all the hugs and kisses they receive all day and all night. But STILL, the toddler loves his bear to pieces ...for all the times they spent together, all the tears they quenched, all the drool they took, and all the love they gave, when no one else was around for comfort. To those of us who had such a faithful companion, it taught us how to love, unconditionally and without caring about looks.

When we grow up, we often loose that sense of loyalty, and it seems the more we have the less we care. When we find a special someone, or even a special something, we no longer keep them lovingly until their tattered looks tell tales of history together, but we let our hearts drift away when tough times generate a battered soul. Our attention quickly shifts to the newer, prettier and better looks of else wheres, not realising we loose sight of what the essence of longevity was. You see, to me, it's sticking to what and whom you love, no matter how tossed and turned it gets, no matter which scars appear. The thing is, those scars are often just a sign of too much love, too many hugs, too many tears, too many cuddles and too many 'tossed in the corners' on that tattered old bear of ours. And sometimes we do the same later in life, we love too much, hug too hard, cry too loud, and toss too far-aways....but unlike in our youth, we don't go back to find comfort in that long and loving friendship, but we decide to close our hearts and move on.


I for one, still have my tattered old bear, and looking at it the other day, I realised that inside of it was where I put my soul as a little girl. Today I woke up opened my eyes and realised that all that tossing around in the dark, was only because I had lost sight of my 'bear'(self) ....of what was actually important, and so I'm left to pick up the pieces, as I would have sown back eyes and arms and ears, I now do damage repair in the comfort of my own mess, and loving it for what it is and what it's brought me...it's the memories that lie within  the tattered-ness, it's there that we find comfort and strength and it's there that the love resides for that which we had, we have, or may one day have again. Because deep deep down, buried underneath the bullshit is where our 'old-teddy-bear-like'  love lies....find it, treasure it and KEEP it !!!'

Stepford Syndrome

What is it with women that everything needs to be a competition?

Who is the prettiest?
Who is the thinnest?
Who is the smartest? 
Who has the best hair?
Who married the best husband?
Who has the greatest kids?
Who is the best mother?
Who is the best cook?
Who has the best life......

For Pete's sake ...anything and everything is compared, judged and reviewed !! Why? Why does one woman need to be the best in anything or everything? Why isn't it ok, that some are successful in certain areas, at certain times, whereas others are brilliant in other areas and other times....!!

I keep noticing this trend more and more, and fear it can only lead to disappointment and unhappiness. No one is perfect and that's more than FINE ...having to prove yourself to other women friends is an exhausting task. One that no one will be able to achieve. Save yourself the trouble please and just enjoy your own life and your own goals. No matter how other women might think you SHOULD be doing things, choose your own path as it is YOU and only YOU that needs to live, YOUR life !!!

Why is it that some women feel better when they put other women down and bitch about them? If I'm truly honest about this and do a soul search for answers, the only thing that comes to mind is:  

INSECURITY.

A nasty women's trait, is to hide one's own insecurity by focusing on another woman's insecurity !! Somehow it elevates you from your miserable self by deflecting on an even more miserable soul. We turn our diet starved bodies into hungry feeders on other women's misery and misfortune, which in turn leaves those poor souls drained of any energy and hit by disillusion. Slowly one will calculatedly suck the life out of the other...





I see this happening all the time, lately, women seem so unsatisfied with their own lives that it is becoming more and more acceptable to bully themselves into other women's lives in an effort to make some of those, often struggling, women more miserable than themselves.

I am far from perfect, realise it and have often stated it or admitted it. I too feel the pressure, due to many aspects in my life that do not coincide with 'the perfect picture', of the Stepford Syndrome.
Some days are tougher than others, some days are extremely good and happy ones. Being quite open about this to the 'outside world' makes me vulnerable in the 'criticism-department', obviously. When you make something public everyone will have an opinion and because of  a wonderful weapon called 'freedom of speech' I am often an easy 'target'. HOWEVER, please remember that behind the black and white text is an actual human being with feelings and insecurities too.

Which brings me back to the whole perfect woman (Stepford-Wife-Syndrome) issue that we keep dumping on each other....No need to be friends with every woman in your life, just be nice, polite, caring, or just mind your own business, and work on your own insecurities before you go around judging others on theirs. And so dear women friends, let's not be in competition but complement each other where needed !!!  Nobody is perfect and to be honest, I quite like it that way.