Monday, 23 August 2010


Watched an interview today with Joshua Radin, my newfound favourite musical artist, he was lovely, even though that may not feel like a compliment to a man, but he was. Something he said struck me. He referred to his best friend and said, that they often joked around saying it would be great to both be gay, as they always have such fun, and laugh so much together as a pair, whereas, it seems hard to find a girl nowadays that makes him laugh.

Thing is, he's right...we sometimes seem to forget that there is a 'smile' function to our 'facial-grimace-option-board which makes us so much more attractive a person !!!

I attended a beautiful wedding this past weekend, and once again met up with estranged family members, whom I had not spoken to since my separation. Every single one of them made an effort to come talk to me and to ask me how I was doing. Very kind and heartfelt indeed. It has been 4 years now and the worst part is over as far as I'm concerned, of course some things remain painful (like seeing your children on the laps of the ex husband and girlfriend on the front row seats witnessing a family wedding ceremony, that I was a part of for nearly 20 years, whilst standing somewhere in the crowd now....wondering how it happened that I became so easily 'replaceable' ...) but a strangers' kind words can be soothing, and I am thankful once again for being comforted by such a loving soul at exactly the right moment !!!

Having reassured everyone of how well I am doing, with a big smile on my face, one person said to me, '....and after all this pain, you can still speak with a smile on your face'. Yes, I can, for there comes a point that you decide you want your life to become important again and worthwhile. Of course a lot of dreams disappeared or became impossible (for now), but so many other dreams and possibilities have taken over. New challenges and adventures galore.

Life did not end for me, it is just a new beginning !

Smiling does not mean there is no pain, it just helps us find the positives life has to offer. It helps us see the world through hopeful eyes. You never know what disaster may strike next so our time here should best be enjoyed and cherished !

A good friend of mine recently received devastating news. She has cancer. Tears of desperation have been shed and her whole world including her family's has been turned upside down, but I know that she will be fine, because she has determination, and a hopeful spirit, and oh boy can she still make great jokes, and crack us up !!!
I greatly admire her, for her courage and life loving spirit. I look forward to celebrating with her next year that she too will have survived her trials and tribulations, smiling, even through the tears !!!

So a message to women (and men) all over, keep smiling, for it will attract a great many a friend into your hearts. The world just looks and feels better when you elude in happiness and smiles !!! =)

PS. May you all please support Pink Ribbon, and help many many women keep their smiles !!! =)

Monday, 9 August 2010

Say what you need to say...

Isn't that exactly what we all seem to avoid doing saying, and even in those cases where we finally say what we need to say, sometimes it comes out 'all wrong' is often the case with me. I either truly say too much or just not enough of what I should. I'm learning though...slowly but steadily, to speak my mind and it's become easier now that I am getting to know my out-of-control-psyche...just a tad.

It's always baffled me that some people just know exactly how things are supposed to be, their minds are clear, straight lines, no loopholes, just plain and simple. Mine isn't, it's a constant chaos of what 'if's' and what 'may's' ...never ending discussions and options, in one ear and out the other, continuous confusion, mayhem and turbulence....havocking  my 'upstairs attic room'.

I find it exhausting at times, yet wouldn't want it any other it's exactly what makes me, ME. However, I so admire those with clearer views and outlined barriers. I guess it's like an interior, mine is crowded, cluttered and very lived in, but others live in minimalism often optimally maximizing their options and capacities that way !!

I'm in constant struggle with the 'shadows in my head' always wondering which voice to listen to and why...endless discussions good and bad, a waterfall of emotions streaming through now and again, after each big storm, befogging thoughts... but in the end bringing calmness and clarity for a little while, till the next downpour.

It's like living on a different plane, and 'odd-dimensional' layer, one that feels alive but invincible...kind of like the one you sometimes feel you're in after watching an action movie, where the hero, went through the toughest combats and battles ever, yet, survived and triumphed all, with barely a scratch to show for it...and leaving you in (his) euphoric exaltation.

That kind of almighty perception, is what seems to be what continuously lives in my 'mind-attic'.

So...having unveiled the insidesghts of  my 'top chamber', and probably leaving you thinking I am absolutely bonkers, rest assured that it keeps me living the vida loca, that I so love to dwell in. Looking forward to what comes next, always !!

Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Slowly Shrivelling

I decided today that I am getting OLD !!! My face has gone wrinkly.....37 has caught up with me and become visible. No longer able to pretend to be young, by acting it, as the lines on my face give it away now.
Not sure I really like that, even though I used to think I wouldn't have a problem with ageing at all...well, apparently... I do. It's strange how men seem to get more handsome with age, yet women just shrivel and crumple. Mother Nature, must have had her say in this....obviously making sure she kept plenty of good looking men around for herself !

Of course there are ways to make it 'go away'; botox, fillers, face lifts, you name it !! But the fact're only delaying the process and in time it catches up with you anyway.
So, after having bought a very expensive 'plumping cream', and carefully rubbing it on my face, I realised there was absolutely no change...and just the mere realisation of THAT has created yet another 'frown' on my creasing face !!!

So now what....just accept it and grow old in dignity ?! No way, I refuse to !! It is not fair, that only half our lives we're allowed to roam wrinkle-free-and-young on this planet. All fashion dictates in magazines is outer beauty, and 'photochoppedshopped' perfection....and here I am with my face and hair in the process of slowly shrivelling and thinning out by the day hour...

Stuck in my 'sexual peak' years, finally feeling comfortable enough with my body as it is, (which is by no means as great as it used to be ;-) ) yet now having to switch off the light to hide my wrinkles....and having to accept that time is catching up and taking it's toll, all in one subtle move one glorious morning.... The day you all of a sudden look older, than yesterday.... Doom's Day !!

I find myself wanting to scream, but refusing to do so, as screaming may create even more wrinkles ! And the thought of one more small hint of a line, just horrifies me !!!

In my 'younger' days, I used to see older women on TV, and I remember thinking and saying, "look at what a wonderful life she's had, you can tell by the lines on her face." Well, I no longer seem to agree with that thought. It's a fright in the mirror every morning....shocked to encounter my own reflection, feeling not a day over 20 yet looking way older !!! I think I may officially be having a crisis of age....I'm afraid Carl Jung warned us all for this, 'an emotional transition as a normal part of the maturing process...' (sounds like Swiss Cheese to me... ;-) ) but I guess he was right...and there are five phases to go through. I'm still in the first one...shock...!! Denial, depression, anger and acceptance still need to wrinkles beware, this fight's not over YET !!!!

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Time after Time

Luscious and scrumptious tasting ingredients... flour,sugar, milk and eggs seem easy enough a combination....placed into the 'hearth' to rise and bake..

What happens when the oven door opens too soon and the cake is not ready....not fully baked...yet so tempting and seducing with it's lingering aroma. When what you think is fate seems, to have arrived too early....being not quite there yet ?! Or maybe it will never be what it might have been intended to become. Wondering why, is a waste of time, it's something that becomes apparent after endless sleepless nights and plenty of circles on the roundabout. Sometimes timing just ain't right. It's as simple as that. Sometimes a point of no return put you there, in the middle of uncertainty. Left to ponder and explore.

Wondering.....why...and why not. Over and over again. Some things need time, to adjust, to entwine, and to connect, just rightly. Just like the cake. No use pushing it. Patience becomes a true virtue in these cases, for there is not a single certainty to this real life open ended recipe.

So time after time, desperately trying to find the right button to press, thinking I may have found it and realising that even though I seem to hit some home truths, I cannot get to what lies beyond them....that, which is safely tucked away, in a comfort zone for fears to reign.

When truths are untold or left out, time has a way of resurfacing them, at exactly the right moment, does the same thing happen with fate....does it fall into place at exactly the right instant ?!  Will time ensure the proper outcome of it?!

And how does the concept of 'wasted time' fit into long do you 'take your time' ?! Is time endless and unwinding ?! Does time also need distance to evolve and grow...

When we find ourselves in this 'lost zone', a 'black hole' as it were, filled with endless possibilities, yet yearning for our wish to come we stare into the darkness hoping to see what we so hope to see, only to find that in the end, life throws you in an unexpected twirl....?! Are we constantly grasping at straws ?! Or is there a way to make happen, what we so want to make happen.

A good cake is made from an 'old recipe' one that has been sampled over and over again, all the ingredients blending into a fantastic flavour, one that is so tasty, that it will make us want to make the cake again, and again. Is this too needed in relationships, the right ingredients at exactly the right time....Ensuring taste and structure ?! It seems logical enough.

A year ago, my ingredients were finally assigned to me ....and I combined them with someone else's hoping to bake a fabulous cake together, but everytime I stare into the oven and see, that to this day, the smell is wonderful, it looks fantastic and tastes close to perfect, but something seems to have gone wrong with the structure of it all....and neither of us seems capable of 'fixing' it....we keep leaving it mushy and nearly done...each choosing a different and new mix elsewhere, thinking that will make us the cake we think we want...but will it !?!

I guess maybe, once time and distance get a chance to work it out, the cake may possibly have fully baked to perfection....fate remains... and only time will tell.

Cause life is full of comfort and challenges..... X