Monday, 29 November 2010

For God's Sake

To be honest I think it sounds very uncool to 'love yourself', it's one of those terms I feel only meditative spiritual people use, and frankly, I don't think of myself as a spiritual person so much, even though my  life seems to have become a stream of filosofical ideas put into words every once in a while. But, having come to the conclusion that that (loving yourself that is) is what must be done, it leaves me no choice but to try and find a way to do so, within my self defined spiritual being.

In times of (great) need, people turn to anything or anyone they can to find strength, courage and especially hope. It may be sought after in weekly yoga or pilates, in hobbies and work, or, as in many cases in a form of  religion. For God seems to be the person we turn to in times of trouble. I am seldom a truly religious person, and shamefully admit that it has mostly only been in times of need. I believe there is a God out there however, but not at all the type of God we are told about in church or school. 'God' has always felt more like a good friend, a companion of (difficult) journeys, always, bestowing upon me a sense of safety. Accomodating me with an aura of 'being around', whenever, wherever, all I need to do is talk to Him, like I would to any other good and faithful friend. He has kindly been the one to love me through thick and thin....however awful I thought myself to be.

I have often referred to God as 'The Man Upstairs' because when I think of 'Him', I feel his presence overlooking me. We seem to have been through a lot 'together' and even though, I don't always feel that I should summon him, because there are numerous others with more desperate needs. Still, I have never felt Him leave my side for even a single moment.

No, I am not trying to make anyone a believer who is not, or force a 'religion' onto anyone. All I want to say, is that in some strange way, I have never felt alone, it's like someone has always been around, and in my worst moments, He has been my zone of comfort, hope and faith. Always there to talk to, cry to and laugh with. I have no idea what 'kind' of God, He may actually be, or which 'religion' He may be most asscociated with. All I know is that there has always been a sense of unconditional  friendship, emerging from this entity, and to me He's been a kind of 'backup-guy',  best described by his unique and universal name 'God'.

Challenging and difficult times cause people to search for this backup and support. Just knowing He is there helps you to start climbing your problem mountains, and that is when you once again start believing in yourself, and surely the act of  loving yourself should closely follow. It's as magical as that. Right?!

In our 'rich' and 'overindulgent' society, we are saturated with what we think is all we want, jobs, attention, power and wealth, leaving no room whatsoever for a 'God person' to be a part of our lives. He becomes disposable, up until the moment that a crisis hits our lives.

It is not exceptional that inhabitants of Third World Countries suffering from poverty, natural disasters and all sorts of other problems, house whole 'herds' of people who go to church, and pray to God. These are people in continuous crisis situations, looking for answers, for comfort and maybe even for acceptance and help from others through Him. Desperately believing in His omnipotent power.

So to get back to my quest of self love, should we love ourselves with the same aptitude God has to love us, or is it ok to just let Him do all the caring, in return for our best behaviour as human beings?!

I catch myself being thankful to God, in my moments of great need, yet 'forgetting' to thank him, when all is 'seemingly' going right. A trait I do not specifically like about myself, for it is in times of no need that we should be most thankful and not the other way around, for God's sake !!!

Monday, 22 November 2010

Miss Insecurity

As you may have noticed by now, and have kindly neglected to mention to me, I seem to be strolling the same circles over and over again, just different versions of it. To my surprise, someone had the courage to open up with her story and with that, plant a thought in my head, that confronted me with what may really be the issue, yet so incredibly hard to face. Something, I may not quite know how to deal with or improve, just yet. Something, I have been told many a time. Something I kept pushing into the 'no way' corner, only to keep beating around the same bush repeatedly. Something, that I know a lot of us forget about because it's so easy to take for granted....

I have desperately ached to be loved again, not by my kids or friends, because they have loved me plenty, but by a man, so that I could feel 'worthwhile' again, to prove to myself that I am still loveable and a good person. I have kept looking for those things in what I received, and to be honest for a long time the men in my life have not helped to give me any sense of self value at all, and I have kept sinking a little deeper each time, not noticing, not understanding why. One day, out of knowhere I happened to be the best thing in the world to a new man in my life, I was thrilled, happy that I was still worth something to someone and that feeling is like a drug. I feel I'm on an all-time high. Ecstatic that I mean something still, not just 'something' but 'so much of everything' to that person. Rejoicing that someone is now willing and able to stand by me, through all of life's rains and sunshines.


But what happens when the rose coloured cloud slowly starts fading away, and that which is in escence still the issue you have been secretly battling, starts seeping through again, because remember;  'you're still stuck on that roundabout, until you've learned your lesson and get to go to the next level', however much someone else may think of you....at any given time.

We call these levels, phases, phases of life, because each time we learn we move on to the next phase, and if we're very  lucky and willing, we reach a state of contentment by the time our time on earth is done. Something  I'm sure is not easy and maybe not always possible or even achievable. To those of us who don't worry too much and don't think too deep, this is not an issue at all. Those people lead less complicated lives, and who knows maybe even more happy ones. But to me, an emotional-over-thinker, this leads to inner torture at times, for I keep yearning to reach that next level, to learn, to take in, and to explore the why's.


And so, when my good friend opened up to me, with her story, something in me made a mental click. I have been looking for the love I need in all the wrong places.....it is not in the local bar, or at social events, it's not at the sports activities or even hidden in an unexpected encounter....it is not even in the man that thinks the world of me. It's been here all along....inside of ME, yet unreachable to me, because you see, if you don't love yourself, then any love you get will not properly reach you anyway!!  It will only fill in all the blanks you have, the things you lack, the doubts you feel, and all this, only for a little while, for the soul has a way of stating the obvious and reminding you that the heart is lost and lonely if you choose to neglect it.

 Of course this seems so easy a task, but let me tell you, that there is no more difficult a task than this one, for someone who has so many insecurities and little self belief. Suddenly the fa├žade of our own image is unveiled, the truth of how we think so little of ourselves. So much so little, that we were prepared to take anything to just believe that little tiny bit, that maybe, just maybe, we were still worth something, to someone.  

A light has been ignited within me protruding it's bright rays of truth, and clarity. Pointing this most obvious fact out to me. It will be the beginning of a new awakening. For now however, I must slowly let this sink in, and like all in life changes, should be made slowly, not in haste, for that is when we stay stuck. Hopefully learning from the 'mistakes' we may have made along the way, but trying not to make the same ones over and over again.

To me the realisation that there are others out there going through the same hurdles some ahead of me, and some behind me, helps. It soothes, comforts, and above all gives me strength to carry on this quest, to believe, trust and love the one person that I can....myself !!!

Having said all that.....how the heck does one go about that ?!

Saturday, 13 November 2010

A Thank You Note

In total disbelief that perfect isn't perfect when you're not feeling it....I find myself grateful for the love that came my way, yet I couldn't reciprocate it. However hard I wanted to and tried, something was missing. Not sure what and why though, and very convinced that it wasn't in what I received but in what I couldn't give.

Wondering if all the love I had has just run out....or whether I will never be able to love as much and therefore always feel the lack of it. Maybe misinterpreting what's left, for there not being enough.

It seems unfair to only take and not give, to receive and not offer. When you get something in abundance, at first it seems enough to carry all, but once the daylight hours hit, the rays of sun point out the cracks. Not wanting to face those we stuff them with good intentions and pretty promises, but the brightness of the truth still has a way of peeping through the holes. Always bringing to light the things we do not want to see.

Feeling a majestic sense of loss, I choose to travel my path alone again. In the knowledge that I will do fine, but missing the warmth and comfort of that person walking right beside me every step of the way, bearing in mind that we should never walk together just because we are afraid to walk alone. Having said that, I feel that in my case I may be so afraid of walking together again that the path alone seems easier, less complicated and more comfortable. Sad but true.

With a sense of great appreciation and gratitude for what unexpectedly came my way, and struggling to find my bearings once again, I continue this path utterly thankful for the unconditional bliss that I was blessed with.
Scared to death that by saying goodbye for all the right reasons, I may never find what I was so generously given, ever again.

But like all in life, we live and we learn, only if we dig do we get deeper, and only if we think do we figure things out, nothing ever came of any dreamer who didn't live it out.* So considering this in mind and heart, I set a course once again on  this journey of unbelievable wonders.


*Alain Clark

Friday, 5 November 2010

Long-ly-ness

It's been a while but all of a sudden I remembered that when you're in a relationship for a long time, and by long time I mean more than a few years or so. Some things change. The spark isn't quite the spark it used to be, even though the level of mutual comfort has grown tremendously. You no longer feel the need to look or act your best, assuming that your partner knows you by now, and accepts your preference for walking around in your sweat pants (the word sounds sloppy and smelly, yet we don't seem bothered by the connotation).

The funny thing about being together for so long is that arousement occurs at the most awkward times. I'm sure many women will agree that the moment they start cooking and stirring in the pots and pans, their hubby will feel the irresistible need to grope her. Now this is exactly the time you shouldn't try to get attention from your wife, as she will most certainly push you away and tell you to keep your hands to yourself because she's busy and by no means does she see herself going into a full blown sexual frenzy.

The other side of this coin however is that hubby will feel utterly rejected at his most 'vulnerable' moment, you see, often men express themselves easier by touch than by talk. If you dismiss his attempts often enough, something happens; his ego and love for you slowly start to break down.

Another longevity oddity, is that there is never quite the right time to make love anymore, it's usually left for the evenings when both partners find themselves exhausted in front of the TV playing couch potato. Often one of them retires to bed before the other making it slightly impossible to sleep together...in the full sense of the word. So the sexual act is left for Sunday mornings, and all of a sudden the one thing you could never get enough of has become a once-a-week-activity or in some cases even a weekly chore, if practiced at all. No one seems to blame but the lack of time and energy. It is a shame we 'forget' how good it feels to get some affection and how energizing it can be, let alone how little time actually matters when you're having fun.

The thing is ....the less you're intimate with your partner, the more you lose that crucial intimacy, and the bigger the 'I-may-fall-in-love-with-someone-else' gap grows. Only to result in painful struggles and separations caused by a mere taking for granted of the bond you both thought you had. Something that seems so obviously easily corrected, all of a sudden turns into the other person feeling understood, pampered, taken notice of and aknowledged, but all of this by someone else. Someone new, someone who doesn't mind stopping the stirring for a passionate kiss or grope, because the newness of it all is so exciting and exhilarating.

By no means should this send you into a panic of quick and steamy kitchen sex in front of hungry children, but it serves to remind us all that it is in the littlest things we need to keep finding each other, and if we neglect those, we neglect each other and it's possible we may have clustered a great problem for ourselves then, one so huge it may not untangle back into the small bits.

So treasure the quickest of moments for they may fly by and leave you with the longest of times, alone.