Thursday, 29 July 2010

Off the Roundabout

Having spent many days driving in circles on life's roundabout, I have finally taken an exit...hopefully the right one.

Once a year I get a week of  'ME' time as the kids go on holidays with their dad. It seems to have a strange effect on me, for in that week, I party, hardly sleep and mostly just try to enjoy life to the limit. As I did this time...

I took a wonderful ride, full of fun and adventure, with a sense of new found freedom that is usually unknown to me. Only to find that with the return of my children, my life too came back, and hit me hard.
I had been living Cinderella's night out at the castle, the pumpkin chariot, the fairy godmother, and even the handsome young prince all played a part in my week's fairytale, one I so wanted to turn into reality, yet found out that even my deepest desires couldn't keep that scene enchanted !! And so the fairytale ended, but not as they usually do, I'm afraid.

Real life just has no clue as to what fairytales are made of. We often have all the right ingredients, yet still manage to make a mess of things. Luckily, the real life version of my life, is one I cherish and prosper in.

However deciding what is right is not an easy task, for what is right for me now, is no longer what was right for me pre-kids, or pre-marriage, or pre-awakening, or even what will be right for me next month or next year... Some things still seem to happen for the first time, even though I am a grown up mother of three. And without wanting to sound  melodramatic, I do think that my life seems at times to be one big Greek drama. Comedy and tragedy blended into some sort of happy meal type package deal of the week, or month. Each time with a surprise element included ;-) Not always one I am actually 'happy' with, I might add.

So, slowly adjusting back to my actual life, kind of freaks me out too. As much as I love my children, I do not only consist of 'motherness', this week showed me that there is within me a woman dying to live her life and satisfy her needs and expectations. Something that may sound awful, egoistic and maybe even self centered. I may actually be suffering from a fluke I never thought would happen to me. Being in control of everything, always, I now feel like I'm in my pumpkin chariot which turned into a loose projectile, flying through my neighbourhood, hitting anything and everything and not quite understanding why. Probably creating havoc and damage all over, yet not knowing how to stop it.

So...for now, I took an idea where this road is going to take me, but hopefully to stiller waters and greener pastures. So that all the damaged territory can have time to heal and recover, whilst I'm on this road less travelled.....curving slowly into the French country side....welcoming me into La douce France for a much needed time-out !!!

Friday, 16 July 2010

Ashton-ishing !

Once again it happened....having 'frightened' away my 'first knight', because of my trust issues and probably other significant stuff it has made me wonder if this relationship tango is even possible for me. I find myself feeling happy, yet, something seems to be standing in the way of love. But what...?!

The other day a friend of mine pointed out to me that I seem to be attracting the 'wrong' crowd...feeling young at heart, it seems that that is exactly what is being projected, and therefore my unexpected and unprecedented  'target' group have become the 'much younger men'.....

This is not something that I aim at, but for some reason it seems to happen every time, and it has me wondering whether it has to do with my inability to decide what I want in a relationship, or just plain coincidence..
These younger guys are enjoying their life, their spirits are so full of positivity and they have many plans and ambitions and still have a sense of old fashioned romance, that older men seem to lack. For the latter, any fuss seems too much of a hassle and so they decide enough is enough and they move on to the next available woman, this probably explains why younger women get picked generally, as they have less 'complications' in life.

Not feeling too sure about my own thoughts on the great age gap, yet curious to explore, I realize this may be dangerous territory for everyone involved. Always worrying about what people may say or think, and what judgements might be made. Speculations and or opinions of others seem to affect me too much, even though it's my life to live, and my call to make. Having been pointed out this exact issue by a much younger person in my life, it finally truly hit home for me. We live in a society where no one would have commented if I were to go out with an older man, but when the age difference is the other way around, it's 'not done'. Men get away with it, women don't, unless you happen to be Demi ;-)

So it leaves me wondering where I stand in this all. Do we choose a person or love according to age ?! Or is it just a number indicating how long we've been around?! And who gets to decide which number fits and which one doesn't ?! I'm sure it's not as simple as it all may seem, as Prince Charming may come riding by in many attires. Some of which we may have thought were exactly what we wanted, yet in the end were nowhere near what we needed, or wished for. It makes me think of Shrek, a modern time fairytale mocking the looks, size and age of  Mr. Perfect, love knows no settings, only those that trigger your deepest emotions and they somehow remain unexplainable. And so it should be.

The criticisms of the world, of which I once too did partake, now seem so out of place and dated. Does that mean I no longer have morals and values, or is it just a different view on life?! Who is to tell ....
What I have noticed is that looking into that direction and option, brings turbulence to life. Uprooting all sorts of beliefs and values seems to be part of this rollercoaster ride we're all on, and in turn it hurts those that cannot and will not budge. I am sorry for that, yet will not quit the ride for it.

Finding myself being challenged by these new and exciting aspects of life, I can't help but to wonder why it is only now that I am confronted with things that others did and learnt at much earlier stages of their lives. This proving to me, once again, that age is but a number, as experience comes when it comes. It is an awkward time in my life to still be doing this trial and error excercise. Once again another new road has opened up and it's time to take a walk, wander and take in.

For if you don't take a plunge into the deep end once in a while, you may not find what it is you're looking for. No pain, no gain, seems an appropriate slogan to go with. So try before you die and remember that most of all, it is your own self that needs to feel happy and alive, when that happens, your joy will hopefully be contagious enough to help settle the dust that you caused to arise !!!

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Solitude Mood

Sunshine or not, the tough days still seem to appear out of the blue. Funny how you can be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, yet feel so lonely at times. It just goes to show that loneliness is inside of you, not influenced by outside factors. (Although keeping busy can help your lonely spirit hide.)
Today happens to be one of those days...the sun is out and making everyone happy, yet I find myself excluded from it. No kids, no friends, no family. Just me.

Draining in self pity I guess, for a no happy thought and no amount of sunshine seems to do the trick.

It's just one of those days...

We all have them I'm sure, a friend of mine has had to put her kids on a plane for a month long trip to visit their father abroad, it must have been so hard for her to do, yet she will hopefully not feel lonely as she has found her prince charming and his love and attention will take the edge off missing her girls.

I know you should never count on the other person for your own happiness, that's not how it works, you need to be and feel happy yourself and the other person will just add to that. Thing would be nice at times to have that addition...just that little bit extra. Knowing a special person out there thinks the world of you and will undrown your sorrow. Can't help but think that makes me greedy and needy....yet doesn't everyone hope to find that ?!

It's on the off days that life looks so gloomy, and for some reason, it's hard for me to get through them...
Miss my kids, and all their laughter. Feel excluded from friend and family events, as sometimes my presence is no longer appreciated. It makes things awkward and hard for everyone involved, I am still the same person, just no longer suitable. All very understandable, which makes it even harder at times, for I do not want to let anyone feel uncomfortable or obliged.

It's weird how it happens that by being single at my age, makes you less likely to get invited to things that couples and families do together. Especially at weekends and dinner parties. So best and only option is to find your own fun in life. And I say this trying to convince myself out of my solitude mood. ;-)

A full 24 hours of indulging myself in ME time, and not having had a single proper conversation with anyone, leaves me feeling like a hermit, secluded from society. And that is not my thing.
Even so, a 'time out' is good for everyone, time to self reflect, ponder and wonder. Life is not always on the up, so it's good to explore the lowlands.

I wouldn't be me if a plan of action had not been made so the skies turn grey and rain approaches, soon enough my kids will be back home, grandparents will be visiting and enough food to feed the hungry will decorate the table !! Now THAT, is what I call living the good life !

The loneliness ? It gets tucked away till next time....  ;-)