Fanatic Neurosis

I guess the best description of me now would be a read-faced-woman, with steam coming out of my ears and nostrils !! Once again, I opened my mouth on paper, well....specifically in an e-mail. You see, my eldest daughter has been playing field hockey since her 5th birthday and she is now about to turn 13. I am proud to say that with the effort she puts into it, she has made the best teams for a few years now. As her mother I am incredibly proud of this achievement and I encourage her as much as I can, by attending as many of her matches against other star talents as possible. Yes, I say 'as possible' because  I have two other kids, who I am equally proud of and whom I also like to encourage in their sporting activities.

Being a single mom, I try to keep things as uncomplicated as possible, so for convenience sake, all three kids play field hockey (luckily they also love it). This way, everything happens in one place (the Club). The Club is about a 15 minute drive from home, a road I have frequented more over these past 8 years than any other in my life, so much so, that it sometimes feels like the Club is our second home. We are there on Monday's, Wednesday's, Friday's and Saturday's....and even though it looks like a nice place to spend sunny afternoons sipping tea, (or as some prefer; wine) the glamour of it wears off by the perpetual visits. It's like a relationship, you need some time apart sometimes to bring back some of the old 'spark'.

This 'time-apart' is what I like to call...'the Holidays' ....they are a much loved time of peace and rest, provided by school, and all sorts of other authorities, so you'd expect the same to be true for sports clubs...but noooooo !! These girls are so highly motivated and encouraged by colleague sports-fanatics that they will be training during the 'holidays' much to my dismay. You see, I don't want to be a 'Cruella de Vil' who prohibits her daughter to join them, but I do want a vacation from that cobble road I travel on sometimes 13 times a week....most of all though, I want my daughter to have time to enjoy the other things in life, because believe it or not, there is a whole world out there just waiting to be explored and it's not all within the boundaries of a hockey field.

The problem is, of course, a 'conscience' one....if I don't let her go, she will think it's not fair as she might miss out on some essential stuff, which could put her at a disadvantage, in a team where, however proud I am, she has to work her butt off to keep up with the better players. I don't want that to happen either, because her efforts should not be ruined by my need for a break from this scene and roadtrip. If I do let her go, it will seem as if I'm supporting this sporty overdose, which I am definately not.

So what to do in this case ? Give into this fanatic neurosis, that will only get worse as Christmas holidays, Easter holidays and even summer holidays will prove to be great practice opportunities for even better and bolder results...who are we kidding here ?! If you are shoved into something you feel forced into, you'll end up hating it ...so lets just enjoy the holidays and let go of all the 'must do's'....Please, pretty please.

'Normal' or not, that is the question.

When I was little, I used to think that certain things were going to be a very normal part of my life. Like my parents I was going to get married, have children, and live that absolutely 'normal' life, because that is how it was done. Yes, I say, 'was' done because, normal is no longer normal.....it's changed profoundly. Left and right families fall apart, split up, leave, and decide on a better and brighter future....alone or with more suitable partners. This time I really don't want to go into the logistics of things or the pain it causes everyone involved, but I would like to point out that what we used to see as normal, is truly no longer the same norm.

Many if not most of the parents at the schools my children go to, have separated or divorced recently. At one stage it felt like a 'divorce tsunami' had hit this town. Leaving it's victims scattered all over the place, some even in friends' houses, where they found shelter with other people's spouses....
I walk around and realise that I no longer know, who is going out with whom, for it changes so fast at times that I can no longer keep up.

So I wonder, is it still all about ' 'love and marriage' ? Or has this become about loving ourselves only and chasing what would be ideal for us as an individual. What do we want out of life nowadays ? Have our values changed so much ? And if so, where does that leave those of us, who are still working hard at making the relationship we once committed to, work ?

I wonder...

What I once thought to be the norm, has now become the exception, and with that I have no idea what to teach my children. Should I prepare them for the heartache that may lay ahead or shall I keep their hopes up by holding on to something that is no longer what it used to be. I think that in the end, I'm going to hope and pray that youth learns from our 'mistakes' and work their @ss off so as not to make the same ones once again. Who knows but that may just do the trick and help the constitution of marriage regain it's foundation. For right now, it's being shaken to distruction and extinction rapidly. Then again, does anyone still really care ?!...Maybe THAT is the question....

Life of (Bullshit) Riches

We vragen ons vast regelmatig af wat er met 'die mensen' is gebeurd waarvan wij allen het angstvallige vermoeden koesterden dat ze ooit nog de sidekick zouden kunnen worden van hun eigen relaas. Zij die bekendheid ambieerden, zij die het wilden maken...in hun eigen 'helemaal in je eentje show', toch?!


Neem nu deze multi-talent bijvoorbeeld; met sportieve, commerciële en communicatieve gaven. Iemand die ooit eens op het lijstje van BN'ers een plekje wist te veroveren, zomaar even, tussen de groten 'der Buis'. Niet alleen geroemd om zijn wonderlijk dikke, donkere, haardos, maar om allerlei...televisie  'Dinges'. Om een plekje op dat lijstje te bemachtigen moest je wel erg hard knokken, duwen en hier en daar over een lijk kunnen gaan want het was geen ontspannen 'Holidayshow' bedoeling hoor !! Je moest van goede huize komen je (grote) tanden erin kunnen zetten, een vleugje charme hebben, een vlotte babbel en ook van  'alle drempels weg' zijn, om zo maar een paar dingen op te noemen. Van je wil moest je wet maken en vervolgens alles in je eigen richting sturen. Kanaliseren dus.

In principe zou alles je dan voor de wind moeten zijn gegaan. Volop aandacht, adoratie en veel fans.... Maar niets bleek minder waar bij dit 'ik-lijk-geen-dag-ouder', 'ietwat-vierkant-uitziend', televisie mannetje want hij viel letterlijk en figuurlijk uit de smaak, en verliet de showbizz wereld na een zwaar op de maag liggend akkefietje, zoals ze dat in die kringen noemen. Nederland bleek te klein, voor deze Napoleon en als een echte pro wist hij België te veroveren. Dit keer niet via de media, maar zoals echte liefde gaat; door de maag. Hij opende de ene horeca onderneming na de andere in het land van deze zachtaardige en gemoedelijke mensen, niets vermoedend vielen zij ten prooi aan zijn slijmerige porties onzin en hittepetit snobistisch temperament. Onder het genot van vertroebelende rosé bubbels werd vanaf dat moment ook het verhaal glazig wazig, want ook daar in het milde zuiden, wist hij het bloed van menigeen te doen koken.

De kleinere zaakjes werden als zoete broodjes verkocht en deze, intussen, 'ervaren' horeca magnaat (zoals hij pas geleden nog geprofileerd werd in een flashback op de Nederlandse Televisie) waagde zich aan een buurt bistro; knus, geliefd en gekend tot in verre omstreken ..... Het moest en zou groots aangepakt worden, een tentje moest veranderen in een gebouwtje, terrasje werd lounge bar en 'decadent' werd het nieuwe 'chique'. Tot het buurtje een zeer mondige omgeving bleek, en ook nog eens vol 'ex-pats', met een ouderwets 'no-bullshit' beleid, en een eigen mening over de 'Frankie-goes-to-Hollywood', aspiraties van deze megalomaan, want laten we eerlijk zijn, Eddy Wally door de tuin horen galmen was echt geen kaskraker!! Een tot vervelens toe, herhaaldelijk, avond vullend programma van gedreun en 'kattengejank' vervuilde opeens de rustige woonwijk lucht. Het dorp beklaagde zich massaal bij de prinsemarij, maar zij bleken machteloos, want als een ware dictator, over het land 'der Loteling' regeert en bepaalt deze coryfee daar alle regels en wetten.

Maar niet alle sprookjes zijn voorbestemd voor een 'happily-ever-after', en zo naderen we vermoedelijk het einde van wat ooit een gigantisch imperium had moeten worden, het einde van een 'bullshit' era, want volgens de laatste geruchten uit een ietwat minder gelikt millieu blijkt dat er binnenkort waarschijnlijk niets meer over zal zijn van dit fabeltje dan een doorprikbaar luchtkasteel van vergane glorie, loze beloftes en kaal geplukte ribbetjes....Aanvalluh !!

Super Solitary Summer

It's about time for a new blog topic....a fresh wave of thoughts, streaming towards you online. It would seem that with all that has been going on in my life, I'd have plenty to post. But NOoooo....

Summer, to me is a time of reflection, cocooning and isolation, and I must admit that the grey and rainy days help me achieve this latent state of mind.... I tend to enjoy two months of complete extraction from my otherwise vivid social life. I know, it sounds utterly absurd, as summer is supposed to be a happy and outgoing season, but please don't think I'm unhappy, far from it !!! I'm just a little housebound and solitary....and I love it. I guess it helps me reload my batteries for the rest of the year.

So whilst this whole town is off to enjoy far away destinations and luxurious holidays in Italy, Bali and the USA...(which by the way leaves plenty of room for those of us, 'left behind' to leisurely park our cars). I like to use this time to actually enjoy LIVING IN my house again. The rest of the year is such a rush of obligatory trips to school, sports, supermarket, and social events, that we hardly seem to have any 'at-home-time' at all.
So we dig into our mess, throw away whatever is old and broken, and end up being perfectly happy with the bits and pieces of comfort-junk that are left.

It takes the kids a few weeks of boredom and TV to let go of modern life as we know it until they finally indulge into the nostalgia of Lego and boardgames. What amazes me most is that they learn to appreciate each other again as brother and sisters become friends. Something that during the school year is somehow prevented by age and their own set of friends.Thus the more we become a family unit again, the less important the outside world becomes.....hence the cocooning.

It's always a shame to see that fall apart after 2 glorious months of bonding, but I also know that this next year will give us plenty of stress and mess to enable us to have ourselves another fantastic summer next year !! So for now we still have another month or so to go and we're well on our way to becoming social outcasts....what a wonderful life indeed.

Life begins at 40...or so they say

Lately I've been struck by the amount of changes everyone around me is going through. It seems we near or hit the mark of 40 and life just smacks us in the face with separation, divorce, disease, death and unemployment crisis's. No one seems to elude them all and some get ruthlessly belted by multiple atrocities.

I can't help but wonder if it's some sort of shock therapy designed by a supernatural life force that likes to shake things up a little every once in a while.... We reach a point of self reflection, where we wonder whether we turned out to be the person we wanted to become, and of course some of us will suddenly realise that we are nowhere near that perfect image we had projected for ourselves. We may be discontented, angry, sad or disappointed in what we see when we stare into the mirror of self reflection.

That is when we decide that changes must be made, everything that is slightly 'off ' gets tossed aside to make way for new and exciting plans and people. We turn into 'desperately seeking...anythings' on our quest to re(de)fine ourselves.....

I feel a little anxious..some days, dreaming of an escape to Italy whilst I'm still young enough for it to have the impact it should have on me....because let's face it, if I go to Rome when I'm in my 50's I can forget about having ANY sex appeal whatsoever....the time is now !! Or how about immigrating to Australia...'down under'...far away from the hustle and bustle of the western world, driven by money, power and good looks...I imagine finding a comfortable shelter/home on the beach side, and enjoying the sunshine, sea breeze and laid back way of life.

It feels like I may already be at least halfway through life and there is still so much that I want to do, but the point of realising that some of that may probably never happen is sadly nearing...

So, no running off to play La Cicciolina in Italy or Dundee'ing abroad with backpacks and wrinkles, no dancing in clubs where I could actually break a leg and it wouldn't bring me luck....

The restlessness, I'm sure, will subside in time and by then I secretly know I will be happy with all that remains within reach and hasn't carelessly been tossed away in a whim of midlife crisis versus stuck in a rut.

Home is where the Heart is

I'd like to share with you what it's like to feel the warmth of someone else's heart in mine, that, even though, I truly thought it wasn't possible, it is !!! That a special someone found the key to what was locked and stowed away so safely. A waterfall of love and hope seems to be streaming out, and making everything around me seem more beautiful than it already was. It's as if, the colours have come to life, making it all even more precious and unique. A sense of gratefulness has landed upon my shoulders, I stand in wonder of how it happened yet realize the time it took to unlock and free me from all doubt and reservations. It took a patient man to find the will and strength to do so, and even though right now he seems exhausted by the challenge he threw himself upon, I can only hope that he will never find regret in his actions and much love in the unveiled chambers of my heart, where only he has acquired a right of access.

Finding out that the the things you love the most are those that you least expect, pleasures hide in the littlest things, joy resides in the twinkle of the eyes, when glances meet, as if having known each other for years, they soothe the mind and rest it's thoughts, whilst deep inside you feel a sense of calmness and devotion alternated by jolts of passion. I think I could truly love to love again. Bearing in mind that you only achieve this level when you meet the right person, when the connection of the souls is a solid one, that's when sparks will fly !

All the things that had to carefully be taken into consideration, fall neatly into place. The unforeseen becomes foreseen and suddenly everything is crystal clear. The will to face the challenges that we may stumble upon, is huge and grows with every moment shared. I so look forward to what my life may bring with him, in it, so much so, that I refuse to waste a single minute.

I want to throw myself into this with everything I've got, take the plunge without fear and swim towards a happy ending, in this stream of new beginnings !!! Ready, set....and praying for 'GO' !!!

You give me Something...

Love Actually

Love hit me completely unexpected.

Tried it's best to convince me of it's authenticity and purity.

I kept doubting it, doubting myself.

Until one day, I felt it, like a warm and comfortable blanket it had grabbed a hold of me.

And as I stumbled out the words, love flew away....just like that.

Reality had crept in and strangled it's enthusiasm, leaving behind only but a sense of tragic loss....

All my desperate attempts to revive and rekindle it seem useless and in vain.

My heart aches more than words can say, and still I wonder must I really walk away.

Why aren't my feet moving ? Why is there still a wish of hope ?

Why complicate a future with all that was in the past.....

I can only pray that what is sometimes lost, is sometimes found again.


What a bliss it is to feel, that warm and fuzzy feeling called:  LOVE.

Any day, and everyday, I will welcome it back, yet always with that fear that it may just like that, again, disappear....

Un Complicate Me

I am finding out and being told, but mostly realising that it is ME and only ME who makes my life such a hard chore to live. Why is it that the first thing friends tell me when I come to them with what I see as a huge dilemma the comment that instantly arises is  'why are you making this so hard on yourself ?'. I must admit that is exactly what I do, I take a simple thing and over complicate it, there are so many factors that lead to that, but in the end, yes, I analyse until I over complicate, which leaves me with, let's say a complex ball of yarned thoughts and emotions that need to be untwisted but I'll have no idea how it got to that way or how to begin untwisting it...

So why do I keep getting stuck between a rock and a hard place? I guess it's all in the mind, it races away with all my emotions at a speed of a thousand miles an hour, only to lose track of  the obvious. By the time I stop, totally exhausted and feeling bruised and prodded from all sides, my sight is blurred and the obvious is only a vague and tiny dot in the horizon. Too far to help me out in any way, and so the long journey back begins, finding my way through the cascade of thoughts and all that I think other people might feel, think, say or think once again..exhausting really, and to be perfectly honest, totally useless, and all driven by a high speed train of fear.

Seems so 'obvious' doesn't it, when I explain it this way...but once I'm on that fast track of self destruction and complications, there's just no breaks and  my sight is impaired by the faster than fast speeds. So where and how can I change this ?! How does a person change a habit that sits so stuck within, like a grown in toe-nail. Does a specialist need to come in to decompress it for me, or can I just tinker and potter at myself and just lick my wounds when I'm done ?!

What do the sane and smart people do, do they even exist ? It seems once again I'm not really getting the point, as I find myself in the same situation time after time. Or is it just little bits that we learn as we go along, to hopefully, eventually get it and see the big picture ?! Because right now, from where I'm standing...it's still a blurr...

I find myself feeling like a complete and utter fool, because after months and months of doubt and inner struggle, I tumbled upon my true feelings only to find I was too late. Too late for what could have been a wonderful chapter in my life... it's getting to sound a bit like the 'story of my life' now...but because I don't want to wallow in self pity (again), I need to find a way to change this thing I do....overcomplicating things till I suck the life out of them.

So once again, I will humbly retreat into my heart chambers and prepare myself for whatever comes next...

Life's Purest of Lessons

I believe that in the past five years, some sort of awakening has occurred in me, as if a veil has lifted, a road has cleared, or a piece of the puzzle has fallen into place. Where once I dreamed in clouds of make belief reality, I am now awake to blue and open skies, that can also turn to shades of grey. For so long, I led a life of self inflicted numbness, only to awaken to a real and tangible life.

I remember all the tears that flowed, the bouts of panic that struck every single night as the lights faded and darkness set in. I felt complete and utter distress, fear, anger, loneliness, jealousy, happiness, thankfulness, and all of them bound together producing tears of pain and regret for all that could have been, or maybe all that should have been. Or so I thought.

It is now a while back since my then-husband announced that he had fallen out of love with me, and in love with someone else; a gorgeous 23 year old, tall, skinny and bursting with enthusiasm for life. I, on the other hand had turned into a thirty something nagging wife and mother, obsessed with the nitty gritty things in life, because I so believed that life was all about rules and regulations, the facts and figures, and all the 'should-be's' ....forgetting about actual enjoyment, spontaneity and jest. I was more willing to live an unhappy life with him, than believing I may stand a chance at a happy life without him.

It was as if I had only certain 'fixed moments' of 'forced' pleasures; time together or dinners with friends were supposed to be good and happy occasions and therefore I forced and expected myself to enjoy them, but to be honest I never savoured them, either on my plate or that what life was offering me in so many other ways, I had simply forgotten. Forgotten how...and mainly why it was important to do so.

And when you live like that, the price you end up paying is sky high. You find you lose yourself, everything about you, and sometimes (like in my case) even those that love you.. That's exactly what I let happen. I let 'me' disappear into thin air. I became see through, without any substance of character; lost in the ruins of me. Until the shock of abandonment jolted me out.

It is taking forever to put back the pieces of my puzzle ...recovering all that was lost, and trying to undo the silly revival mistakes I made; but like a vase that breaks, some pieces are irreplaceable and you find you have to look for new parts to rebuild. This process is not an easy one, and one I would not like to go through again, yet I am extremely thankful it happened and confident I will flourish.

The strange thing is, no matter how hard you try to succeed at this, there is always room for improvement. We never reach perfection, all we must aim for is inner peace and I have to admit, I just can't seem to find it so often. The head keeps over thinking, the heart wants to be loved, but dares not, and this cycle is one I cannot stop or escape from.

What I have realised is that all was not in vein.... I really believe that we have been put here with a certain plan, we choose the lessons we want to learn and the people or souls to learn it from, each of us with a certain task to accomplish. Some of us braver than others because we have to play the 'bad guy' in order for others to learn. If my marriage had not ended the way it did, I would not have taken responsibility for my own life, a difficult task, when you've leaned on someone for so very long and expected them to carry you. So however weird it may seem, I'm grateful for the difficult choice my then-husband made, as I'm sure the pain involved was plenty on his side too, and even though it looked like he was home-free from the outside, it must have taken all the courage he had left on the inside. I'm not sure he will ever know the true impact it had on me, as he gave me a very valuable gift, the quest to find  myself, while he left the stage.

It is only now after 5 years that I find myself looking for my own purpose and significance, to others, to friends, family, my children, but especially to myself.

Thank you, for the purest of lessons.... 'the meaning of me'.

Facebook

A year ago I joined the Facebook community. I had been there years before, but deactivated my account as I found it too confrontational and painful. It was there that I first saw my ex glancing at his new girlfriend with melty love stricken eyes, partying on (profile) pictures, whilst I was home with 3 kids. Not a good thing when you're still heartbroken and trying to heal. So after several bolts of self inflicted pain, I deleted my profile and swore it was not my thing. (Please don't worry as I am no longer affected by such scenes or pictures, somehow you become immune at some point.) 

Admittedly my curious nature brought me back a few years later and in February 2010, I thought, 'If you can't beat them, join them', and so I did. I spent hours, days even, trying to figure everything out, wanting to know all the in's and outs to be well informed about privacy issues this time. Made my profile page, added friends, and pictures and within a few weeks I had settled comfortably into what has now become my second 'home'.

It's the ideal spot to dwell if you don't want to feel lonely, as there's always someone around to chat or comment on. It's like this hot spot where everyone checks in, to browse around and can audaciously be nosy. It absolutely suits my personality. I've become extremely fanatic about posting, love to share music, sentiments, blogs and other stuff, much to some people's dismay I'm sure, but facebook has a built in button for that too, as it's a piece of cake to remove friends or friends' posts, just press 'unfriend' or 'hide posts' and you're instantly liberated from 'spammers' like myself.

I haven't ventured into the world of facebook games yet I must admit, as that may stop me from having a life outside of facebook altogether. Plenty of time left to explore those horizons in the future.

For now I've made myself a comfortable dwelling with a fanpage to promote my blogs and notify my readers of the latest Living la Vida Loca updates. I've made loads of old, new and even 'unknown' friends, and the strange thing is that even though this all takes place in cyberspace, people let you in deeper than they would ever do in real life...I love that, thrive on it and feel inspired by each and every one's posts, pictures, stories and comments. It's like having an extended family...always there, to support and encourage.

Having said all that, I can also imagine it being tough on the insecure souls, as comments can easily be misread and things have a way of leading their own life. Relationship statuses change like the weather and posted (profile) pictures give the impression everyone else is always happy. When my eldest decided it was also time for her to join facebook, I must admit I hesitated. Afraid of how she would cope with the stress of it all, but so far so good.


So now after numerous chats filled with emoticons to accentuate the tone of conversation, I have to admit that I enjoy the company of other cybersouls.

Today, April fool's provided the perfect opportunity for a good practical joke and so I posted some great news about my blog being published by a well known magazine, on my status. Only to find that so many friends were genuinely happy for me that it made me feel a bit guilty and kind of like I was letting them down by kidding about it, and so I was drawn to my online writing pad, to once again provide them with a blog to sink into, whilst I drown myself in thought.

Scared to death of dying

Not quite sure how other people feel about death, but to me I think the fear of it is paralyzing at times, I freeze, gasp for breath and instantaneously feel my heart go into tachycardia. Lately I've been hearing horrid stories left and right, it seems everyone around me has something or other, or a friend with something or other and the chances of survival vary from huge to very slim.

Now according to statistics, the way to lead a healthy life, is plenty of exercise and nutritious food. This will decrease the risk of illnesses. I do not consider myself to lead the healthiest of lives...then again, most of the people I see affected seem to be the healthiest ones around; thin, athletic, healthy eaters, sporty etc. It leaves me with great fear, for; 'if they get ill, then I surely will ... (should)'...

No one knows when it's their day to 'depart', but somehow I feel more comfortable not thinking about it either. Head in the sand therapy. What you don't know won't harm you so to speak.

Today once again I received bad news, this time a young person with cancer, her chances...next to none. When you're young it tends to hit you harder, more aggressive and ruthlessly takes over leaving you without a fighting chance. Medicine will try it's hardest to beat it, but too often, in these cases, we find that it only extends the suffering. Still, those going through it seem to help those of us that will be left behind here, by showing their bravery and strength, each and everyone of them with a glow of supernatural light in their eyes. A spiritual strength that occurs only when the body is weakened. This phenomenon amazes me.

Often I have wondered what it would do to me, to find out I was (terminally) ill. The thought alone, creates panic and fear. Maybe I'm not sure if I would find that strength within me or maybe I'm afraid of the pain it may cause others, like my children. A combined feeling of 'what if I never see them grow up' and 'if I die now, they're too young to remember me'. A frightening thought either way.

I guess the trick is to find the fine line...where you look after your body as well as you can, and are sensible enough to go through regular check ups, without exaggeratedly worrying about them. And even when you do all this, there seems to be a 'script' already written, for sometimes, so very unforeseen to us, we find ourselves or someone else entering the turmoil of, for example cancer, without a single shield of protection or warning.

And then when push comes to shove, it turns out that however cliche, death is a part of life, and no one has yet managed to play hooky.
 It's time for me to learn how to deal with this, if not for the sake of myself, for the sake of others, who I will help more by fearing less and mentally I will be able to handle it better if I don't let it affect me to the bone. Until it's my turn...and I pray that if and when that day comes, I too find that strength to pull me through, whatever the outcome.

So live today, like there is no tomorrow, and with that note, I'd like to end this blog of thought and dedicate it to all my friends and friends of friends, who today, tomorrow and in days to come will have to do just that. Be brave.

Solliciteren naar een baan-tje

Goed, na twaalf jaar 'kont-zitten' (ja-ja, in de werkende-volksmond is dat de term die best het moederschap lijkt te typeren...), wil ik mezelf weer eens op de arbeidsmarkt werpen. Wat een sensatie zeg, 20 jaar na dato tussen de rommel, die ik ECHT van plan was om op een regenachtige dag tussen de bedrijven door te sorteren, op zoek te gaan naar mijn behaalde diploma's. Geen flauw idee waar ik die in vredesnaam heb weggemoffeld. Heb ik ze nog wel, en wat voor waarde hebben ze nu eigenlijk nog ?! Ondertussen merk ik dat ik ongelooflijk veel van die (onzinnige)  feiten eigenlijk amper nodig heb gehad, en dat ik ook weer heel veel nuttigs heb geleerd door gewoon 'vallen en opstaan', maar nu, nu gaat het er weer even om wat ik toen kon....waar ik toen zo hard voor geleerd heb, en wat mij uiteindelijk dat mooie fijne papiertje genaamd diploma heeft bezorgd. Zoeken dus...

Jemig, waar begint een mens na twaalf jaar in hemelsnaam te zoeken naar werk ?! Ondertussen weet je ook wel erg goed wat je wel en niet leuk vindt in dit leven, dus sommige dingen vallen automatisch ofwel systematisch af....Ook ben je geen pittige twintiger meer in een kort rokje met cellulite vrije benen, maar een degelijk gevormde veertiger (of bijna veertiger) die blij is als het knoopje van de jeansbroek 's morgens dicht gaat, en officieel niet meer de deur uit kan zonder een klein, (laten we niet overdrijven) laagje make up...!!

Daar ga je dan als dappere Do Do, tussen de jonge meute, vol enthousiasme, moed en motivatie want dat huist zeker in dit mature lijf !! Op weg naar de allereerste sollicitatie. Een vroege afsrpraak, heel modern per mail en telefoon geregeld om de functie van 'redactrice' te bemachtigen. Gekleed in gepast ornaat, parkeer ik mijn auto om de hoek, en loop ik lekker door de frisse ochtend lucht naar het kantoor waar ik moet zijn. Er is geen bel, dus ben ik zo vrij om gewoon binnen te stappen. Nu weet ik, dat ik al twaalf jaar lang, niet echt meer op 'kantoren' kom, maar dat ze nu nog zo'n ruimte versieren met twee treurige potplanten die er waarschijnlijk al even veel jaren staan te verpieteren, verbaasde mij enigszins. De rest was kaal, koud en oud. Goed begin dus.

Ik was vroeg, dus ik mocht nog even op een stoeltje wachten op een op z'n minst, vreemd uitziend, mannetje dat mij zou interviewen. Ik werd naar een klein kamertje geleid, waar ik de verf van het plafond zag bladeren, en heb mezelf toen keurig voorgesteld. Alle papieren werden erbij gepakt en vervolgens bleek dat het mannetje dacht dat ik er voor een ander baantje zat. Na een correctie van mijn kant konden we weer verder. Ik was benieuwd naar waar ik terecht was gekomen aangezien ik op internet niets over dit bedrijf had kunnen vinden, dus vroeg ik belangstellend naar hun activiteiten, naar mijn functie en vooral ook naar de daar bijbehorende verwachtingen.

Ik had me op zeer veel voorbereid, maar niet op zijn antwoord, het rare meneertje begon te tieren, en draaide meerdere keren ongemakkelijk met zijn 'kont' op zijn stoel...ik stond perplex. Was het nu echt zo 'uit de tijd' om te vragen wat mijn baantje zou inhouden ?! Het bleek uiteindelijk, na zijn vreemde uitbarsting, te gaan om een flora en fauna brochure, waar de nodige adverteerders voor gezocht moesten worden, omdat anders mijn salaris niet betaald zou kunnen worden. Ik wist het direct, wegwezen hier, maar eerst moest ik een uitweg vinden om het netjes af te handelen, want zo ben ik nu éénmaal. Die kans kreeg ik.
Zoals ik afgeknapt was op het interieur en het vreemde gedrag van deze man, was hij denk ik afgeknapt op mijn Nederlandse accent, dus besloot hij maar te melden dat ik hele websites moest kunnen opzetten en maken, naast nog een paar zeer dubieuze andere taken. Nu ben ik al jaren uit de roulatie, maar redactie werk is geen volledige website maken (bij mijn weten); wel een soort 'inrichten', layouts verzinnen, foto's en artikels goed weten te plaatsen, teksten schrijven en zorgen dat alles goed gecoördineerd wordt om vervolgens een prachtige (in dit geval niet dus...) folder te drukken . Ik greep mijn kans en zei heel 'blond' ...'oh,maar meneer, dat  kan ik echt niet hoor, zo'n website maken....ik vrees dat ik dan niet de aangewezen persoon ben voor dit werk, het spijt me, en ik wens u veel succes met het vinden van iemand anders.' Mijn ogen vielen op het stapeltje papier dat hij onder mijn cv had liggen, en toen voegde ik nog aan mijn relaas toe, dat hij vast een geschikte kandidaat zou vinden in die dikke stapel sollicitaties. Hij keek me geërgerd aan, gaf me een hand en bitsig wenste hij me nog veel succes met het vinden van een baan. Ik zou mezelf niet zijn geweest als ik niet super vrolijk en positief zou hebben gezegd, 'dank u meneer, dat gaat mij zeker lukken' !!! ;-)

Opgelucht verliet ik dat muffe kantoor en terwijl ik naar mijn auto liep en weer frisse lucht kon inademen, bedacht ik mij dat het toch wel erg typisch was dat dit MIJ toch weer moest overkomen, mijn leven blijkt iedere dag weer een grote verrassing, en het kwartiertje schaterlachen dat zich nadien voordeed in de privacy van mijn eigen auto, moet de mensen die mij voorbij zagen rijden ook een vrolijke dag bezorgd hebben.

Post -flu- life

I've often noticed that when my kids are ill, and suffer from fevers, that a while after recovery they seem to have made some sort of incredible jump in life. Be it in actual growth, or intellectual ability. It's as if whatever illness they went through  jump starts the body into the next level. And it's been like that every single time.

This time, I got the flu, it hit me unexpectedly and hard. There was no other option but to lie in bed and sleep, waiting patiently for it to make its hit and run. And that's exactly how it felt, as if I'd been hit and run over...!
I'm not a very patient patient to say the least, and I prefer taking a few painkillers and just getting on with life, but this time round my trick wasn't gonna do the trick.

I woke up feeling as if I'd been hit by a number of cars, and then bulldozed over just to really crunch those last left over intact bones. Too weak to get up, too weak to move, I could only think how strong willed my friend with breast cancer must be, to keep 'surviving' each chemo-hit, that leaves her probably in an even worse state than this 'innocent' flu left me. There and then I decided that I have great respect for her, and all others going through that hell, yet always finding the courage to continue.

So, kind of feeling like a man having the 'man-flu', weak, tired and sorry for myself. The only option was to just let it hit me and be done with it. Easier said than done, with 3 kids expecting their mom to beat anything.

I found out that children don't quite like having a mom, who's not supermom....and stays in bed all day, moaning and groaning, in pj's and with a volcanic hairstyle from all the tossing and turning. Great help though from my eldest who really did sympathise and took over like a real pro. I'd like to take credit for her great caring heart, but it's not me she gets it from. I'm a lot tougher when someone is sick, whilst she makes you feel cared for and pampered.

Exes can be 'handy' at these times, for they can entertain and take the kids with them, to give you some much needed rest and peace and quiet.
Even so, I don't remember much of the past few days, as I was in and out of sleep most of the time, only coming out of bed to help co-ordinate meals and lunchboxes. Strange, how you miss out on a few days yet life goes on as usual.

After spending 3 days in bed, I woke up and felt my body had returned, the aches and pains were gone and it felt like total bliss, I was back...weak, and pale, but back !!!

Like I said though, these things come in pairs.....and not only had I been ill, but a strange new life was there by the time I woke up to feeling better. A life that is filled with great changes, uncertainty, and new expectations. I'm a little weary of it, but know that as usual things will turn out the way they should, in the end.
The pre-flu-me, has turned into post-flu-me, and with that I take careful steps into unknown territory, praying that karma sticks with me and I keep seeing the bright side of life in all that is to come.

Midlife

Turned 38...to the tune of my daughters' first contrived song lyrics. What a delight !!! I don't think I've ever felt that emotionally struck, or is it because I'm growing older !? The sentiment of it all hit a chord in my heart and out flowed the tears of happiness and great pride. I must say my kids aren't perfect, because no one is or should be,  but they have their heart in the right place and that's what counts !!

It's not even a week later and already I am showing signs of old age...my shoulder is excruciatingly painful and I'm probably suffering from some sort of infection or other, which makes it hard to do almost anything, from strapping on my bra in the mornings to finding a comfortable position to fall a sleep in at night. But as we all know life goes on and I'm pretty sure there are much worse things I could be suffering from. So, even though I'm in pain, I'm thankful it's a temporary thing.

Now that I'm nearing my fortieth birthday, slowly but surely, time seems to leap instead of steadily move along like it used to. Why is that ?! Why does it feel like I'm already halfway through life ?! I'm not quite sure I like it, I don't enjoy the idea that I may be entering the latter half of it all. That my youthful years may lie behind me, as if 'season one' of my life is finished and 'season two' is about to air, and as commonly known, season two never seems to outshine the first one.

So what awaits in the second half of life ?! Through the agitation of what may come, I also feel an utter calm. A feeling of peace, that seems to grow within me as the days, months and years keep ticking away. The satisfaction of having brought children into the world is a great one. Something I am proud of and still enjoy every single day being a stay at home mother.

Realising that even though we are no longer a family that lives under one roof together, we will always be connected by that essential word ..'family', even though in time we will all end up going our separate ways. There is nothing that can break the bond we have and 'coming home' will always mean the same. Because in essence we are 'fund-and-mentally' linked for life.

So, having fixed my shoulder with a shot of cortisone ( a medication I used to associate with 'old people' ..). I can once again fold laundry, clean, cook, make love and kick some ass !!

Determined to make the best 'part two', possible, I proceed through my midlife crisis and enjoy the craziness  that comes with it, for there is no way, I will go back to being the boring young girl that I used to be.

In life, unlike in the movies, I think it may actually only get better !!!

Olivia's Blog !!

I apologise to my English readers, as I am proudly posting my daughter Olivia's first blog and it's in Dutch. To those of you who can read it, ENJOY !!!  :-)

Hallo

ik ben Lara en dit is het verhaal over

liefde

het begon op een gewone schooldag.

Ik was aan het spelen met mijn vriendinnen.

toen gebeurde het. ik stond oog in oog

met Hendrick.

(Ik ben verliefd op Hendrick.

Hij is zo knap.

Ik weet nooit iets te zeggen als ik

hem tegenkom.Ik zeg meestal niks.

Want ik wil niet laten merken dat ik

op hem verliefd ben.En dan loop ik

gewoon weer verder)

Op dat moment wou ik sterk zijn.

Ik moet het ooit wel eens zeggen.

Maar het enige woord dat er uitkwam

was hhhh....hhh..hallo.

Ooh. Ik schaam me zo.

Niet voor mijn vriendinnen want die weten het al.

Nee.Voor de groep jongens die erbij stonden.

Ze waren me aan het uitlachen.

Ik haat die lui. Ze pesten iedereen hier

op school. Ik denk dat ik ze eens terug zal

pakken. Maar hoe?

Met deze letters waren ze me ook al aan het pesten.

hgahneiguheofigjhdbejhtlkehirthgosthu

dhfwhhhhyjtjudtumkutlticliu.

Dat heb ik alle andere keren gezegd.

Ja ik weet het raar.

Maar dat van vandaag was wel al wat

beter. Toch?

Ik moet alleen meer oefenen.

Nog iets. Hendrick zit in mijn klas.

Dat is nog niet het ergste.

Nee, zijn hele groepje ook.

Ik word er gek van.

En na school dan.

raad eens wat ze deden?

hhh...hhh..hallo.

Maar Hendrick deed niks.

Volgens mij heeft hij een oogje op me.

Ik droomde dat Hendrick me

verdedigde tegen die jongensgroep.

Ik hoop maar dat die droom uitkomt.

En raad eens het was waar.De jongensgroep wou me weer

pesten maar

Hendrick zij nee. Zou ik vragen waarom hij

dat deed? Ik weet het niet hoor.

Ik denk dat hij dat deed omdat hij me

gister zo verdrietig zag. Maar ik zal het toch eens vragen.

Voor de zekerheid.Toen ik die avond thuiskwam was ik

gek geworden. Ik was aan het gillen.

Niet omdat ik boos was. Nee.van blijdschap.

Ik vroeg hem namelijk of hij op mij was. En hij zij ja!!!

Ooh. Ik ben zo blij dat hij geen nee zei.

Want ja anders zou ik niet zo blij thuis zijn gekomen.Toch?

Ik kwam terug op school en Hendrick gaf me een kus

op de mond. Ik heb dat nog nooit meegemaakt.

Maar toen kwam de jongensgroep weer.

Ze hebben gezien dat Hendrick mij gekust heeft op de mond.

Maar ze stopten met pesten.

Het leek alsof ze accepteerden dat

Hendrick samen was met mij.

En zo ontstaat de vrede

tussen De jongensgroep en

Hendrick en mij

EINDE!!!

Olivia - 25-01-2011

Je kunt nu ook naar :

'Olliesblogje'

Friends

Why is it, that the older we get, the more demanding we become in the friendships we have.This sets us up, for disappointments that we may only have ourselves to blame for. At times expectations are high, and if we don't comply with what friends expect of us, we appear rude and uncaring. Other times we are the ones who feel back stabbed or disillusioned, by our friends' actions. In times of personal need we easily feel neglected when everybody is too busy with their own life, to care, and we also feel taken advantage of and hurt when the friendship appears mainly one sided. Sometimes we may even find ourselves competing for first place award in the fraternity league, stepping over everyone and anyone who may get in the way.

So what is it we want, and truly expect from our friends ?! Should we give as much as we get ?! Do friendships thrive on co-depency or is that exactly what kills them ?! What is the right balance ?!

In this world of constant turbulence and desire for more and better, we even put our friends through the 'are-you-good-enough-for-my-needs' test. We want them to be there for us unconditionally, yet we know that it is something we ourselves might not even be prepared to offer. We expect so much for so little in return. It doesn't seem fair or even logical. How can we want something we won't even value once ours. It baffles me that we are greedy enough to feel entitled to a luxury good we can't truly afford, that of true friendship, for only when we offer the same thing in return this becomes a fair trade.

I often wonder what example we may be setting for our younger generations, we've gone back to Darwinian times where it seems that 'survival of the fittest' is what counts. Hereby eradicating all other options. It is slowly becoming a very egocentric world, where only that which we ourselves most want, matters. This is where the 'trouble' starts if you ask me. By putting our needs before others constantly, we neglect what may be the more preferable option in specific situations. No consideration is taken for others and therefore we end up living in a 'theatrical play' that we nowadays most commonly call 'friendship'. But this type of friendship has nothing to do with real friendship, it is just a weak extract of the true commitment it ought to be.

Through thick and thin, is one of the key elements I believe, and like in other relationships love and empathy lie at the base, a kind of love that cares and protects. One that accepts the good with the bad, because we're all human and none of us is perfect.

When I was a little girl I learnt a rhyme at school :

Make new friends, but keep the old,
One is silver but the other gold. 

It struck a chord that kept me in tune with what friendship entails.

I have to admit that it is not always easy and it's also not possible to befriend anyone and everyone. There are people with whom there just isn't a connection however hard we may try. Sometimes I catch myself not being a good enough friend, putting my needs before my friends' needs. Somehow though I think that is where we find the balance, in learning when it's time to give and when it's ok to receive. One thing that may characterize a good from a great friendship is the amount of effort we put into the giving and the thankfulness that goes into receiving.

For what it's worth, friendships are valuable and fragile and maybe we should all try a little harder to see the wonder of it all, a little more often. Stopping to think about how much that other person really means to you. Learning to appreciate one another in good times and bad times, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, because many, many friendships outlast any other kind of commitment !!!

Weighing in

New year and even though the skies are cloudy and grey mostly, the spirit is up. Some things just gotta go different this year ! Old patterns die hard and new ones aren't easy to stick to, but this year it's not a matter of choice. It has to be done, and it has to be done good.

Lately I think I felt a bit like a pot plant, left to wither and not flourish, figured that anything would help me grow and stay healthy, but without adding the right ingredients it turned out to be a foolish thought indeed. So, as the ground at my roots dried out and formed cracks I was surviving on the last little bits of energy left within me. I felt flaccid, just like the poor pot plant.
 
It's time to quench the thirst, and fertilize. And so, I have started drinking water again, lots of it, something that I just seemed to forget to do, during the day. As you may know, when you pour water onto dried out soil, it doesn't really sink in, it just makes the soil float...and so I drift...a little lost for now but knowing that one of these days the water will slowly drench the soil and therefore me too. Slowly but surely it will seep through my pores. As I'm hoping other stuff will sink in too...given time.

So, not only 'watering' is taking place but proper feeding as well, in the hope that I will re energize a bit, for I have felt pretty drained these last few months physically and mentally.


Day 4...the water seems to have irrigated my body, it's making my skin feel creamier and more supple even wrinkles are looking softer. I think I like this !! Not there yet of course but for day four, it's looking pretty promising.

I know we shouldn't diet to try to look like page 3 models, and so that is not my motivation. Mine is looking and feeling healthy again, by thinking about what I eat, instead of just stuffing myself with bars of chocolate, handful's of crisps and practically anything that appears in front of me. At one point even the air I was breathing made me gain weight, that's when I realized I was g(r)asping for the wrong things in life. I guess I'm trying to become more conscious of what goes in now. I don't want to bore you with the details, but believe me, it's a good thing in my case.

January is my most crucial month as all us girls have our birthday to celebrate and therefore lots of cake and party to deal with !! I've survived one, 2 left to go !!
Today was my first 'weigh in' and eventhough I've secretly weighed myself' 'in between' and know the weight has fluctuated, it is now back to what I started with, but I refuse to feel disappointed. I'm sure it's just a case of my body getting used to this new treatment. Feeling more saturated, I think it's just a matter of time before the actual weightloss will kick in.

To be honest I too look forward to any phsychological changes it may bring about, curious to find out if the Latin saying... " Mens sana in corpore sano" turns out to be true, for my head has been weighed down long enough by constant doubts and thoughts.

Wishing myself lots of perseverance and great fun searching for yummy recipes with healthy alternatives at the start of this new year !!