Monday, 18 June 2012

Single Me

It has been nearly six months since I was in what I would like to call - a serious relationship, but one that in retrospect, I never took seriously enough until it was too late. The cliche is true : you don't know what you have, until it's gone.

So now what ?!
Do I really want another man in my life ?!
The 'exploring' each other again...
The 'explaining' my personal manual again ?!  (It's now officially thicker than the bible !!)
My whys and why not's, my fears and insecurities thrown out in the open - AGAIN ?!
I don't think so, not now and not for a long time to come I suspect.

It's like when I read a good book, I couldn't for the life of me get into the next one straight away, I need to let it sink in, process and settle. It needs time, time to find a place in the heart and mind.

A few years ago though, I didn't do that, I jumped from one 'book' into the next, if you know what I mean. Most weren't even 'books' or 'articles', but just enticing 'headings', that lead to nothing and left me empty. No fulfilment, no meaning, desperately craving for more as I was obviously not finding whatever I was looking for. It only dawned on me, after I spent one and a half years pegging away at a story that felt too good to be true, that what I wanted was staring me straight in the face, yet it took me forever to get into the storyline. Then, just when it all started making sense to me, I actually lost the plot, the ending began to unravel as I realised that I was in my own little fairytale, and prince charming had galloped by - tried his best....yet left disheartened... because I was too busy worrying about the pitfalls that could tear us apart. In the end, I had created them myself.  A wonderful story turned sour, by my own potion of troubled imagination and fear.

Don't take me wrong, I love men, I love the fact that they are so opposite to us women, the way they think differently and act so much more primal than we do. They worry less and live by the day. Making life seem less complicated ...easier.

I just don't think there is room for a man in my life, not now. It's time to sit down and literally write and re-write my own (story) book and see what new plot and which (new) characters will fill the pages !!