All too often in the past I have tried not to hurt anyone, avoiding confrontations with friends and even family. Arguments would only take place within my own four walls and the 'poor' ex had to deal with all of my frustrations and temperamental outbursts, because of my refusal to confront the person and or issue I truly had a problem with. I think that when we 'grow up', this feeling of 'caution' disappears and we learn to stand for our own wants and wishes.
I know that lately I have started exploring that. Scared to death to lose friends that way, but also realising that if I don't, I'll lose myself .
When it comes to men the issue is more complicated.
A friend of mine is 'stuck' in the tug of war of passionate desire. She fell in love with a seemingly wonderful man, who just lacked some TLC (tender love and care) in order to dare to open up. She gave him plenty. Kindness, love and affection. Like a clam, he slowly showed some of his inner space, only to shut down and shut her out soon after. He left her lingering for more, but from that point on it had become too 'dangerous' for him and he promptly decided not to let her in again, off he went in search of a new adventure. Funny as this individual was not the adventurous type when it came to love...he found some southern temperamental diva and probably reenacted the same clam-jam-act with her.
Meanwhile my friend was going through a medical crisis of her own and found herself longing for this long lost friendship. Still feeling so connected with her clam-man, that she truly hoped he would come through in her hour of need. The hour came and passed but the clam-man was nowhere in sight. No call, no mail, not a single sign of life. She defended him, saying it was hard for him to stand by her at this moment as it brought him painful memories. And still...nothing. To this day, he has not asked her how she has been, even though he has responded to some business emails from her in the meantime. An absolute riddle as to why love goes the way it goes and why we want what we can't have, it seems.
It makes me wonder why, as women, we so feel the need to nurture this indecent behaviour. Why is it so hard to believe that we deserve more and better !! And when that suddenly finds you, more often than not, we decide that a man who is prepared to make the proper 'sacrifices' for us, is not the 'type' of man we're after...afterall.
She's slowly started letting go, step by step, day by day. His picture has been removed, leaving a clean mark on a dusty shelf. The place he has in her heart remains untouched however. Hopeful still... but secretly knowing that he will most probably not return any time soon, if ever....
Having found herself surviving yet another dispappointment in her life, she still shows incredible courage and life spirit, and like in any sequel, the end of this tale surprises us with a twist..... clam-man re-appears from out of nowhere and the storyline takes an unexpected turn..... To be continued !!
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