Having spent many days driving in circles on life's roundabout, I have finally taken an exit...hopefully the right one.
Once a year I get a week of 'ME' time as the kids go on holidays with their dad. It seems to have a strange effect on me, for in that week, I party, hardly sleep and mostly just try to enjoy life to the limit. As I did this time...
I took a wonderful ride, full of fun and adventure, with a sense of new found freedom that is usually unknown to me. Only to find that with the return of my children, my life too came back, and hit me hard.
I had been living Cinderella's night out at the castle, the pumpkin chariot, the fairy godmother, and even the handsome young prince all played a part in my week's fairytale, one I so wanted to turn into reality, yet found out that even my deepest desires couldn't keep that scene enchanted !! And so the fairytale ended, but not as they usually do, I'm afraid.
Real life just has no clue as to what fairytales are made of. We often have all the right ingredients, yet still manage to make a mess of things. Luckily, the real life version of my life, is one I cherish and prosper in.
However deciding what is right is not an easy task, for what is right for me now, is no longer what was right for me pre-kids, or pre-marriage, or pre-awakening, or even what will be right for me next month or next year... Some things still seem to happen for the first time, even though I am a grown up mother of three. And without wanting to sound melodramatic, I do think that my life seems at times to be one big Greek drama. Comedy and tragedy blended into some sort of happy meal type package deal of the week, or month. Each time with a surprise element included ;-) Not always one I am actually 'happy' with, I might add.
So, slowly adjusting back to my actual life, kind of freaks me out too. As much as I love my children, I do not only consist of 'motherness', this week showed me that there is within me a woman dying to live her life and satisfy her needs and expectations. Something that may sound awful, egoistic and maybe even self centered. I may actually be suffering from a fluke I never thought would happen to me. Being in control of everything, always, I now feel like I'm in my pumpkin chariot which turned into a loose projectile, flying through my neighbourhood, hitting anything and everything and not quite understanding why. Probably creating havoc and damage all over, yet not knowing how to stop it.
So...for now, I took an exit...no idea where this road is going to take me, but hopefully to stiller waters and greener pastures. So that all the damaged territory can have time to heal and recover, whilst I'm on this road less travelled.....curving slowly into the French country side....welcoming me into La douce France for a much needed time-out !!!