Post 2012

The end of a year always encourages us to look back and reflect on all that happened over the past twelve months.

For me, this year was extremely intense. I don't think I have ever FELT as much as I have felt this year!! 

I felt heartache, that should have killed me; I felt shame and anger towards myself that should have made me dissolve into nothingness; I felt the great loss of a few dear friends that passed away whom I hope are now Angels watching over us;  I felt the joy of realising that all I need to be happy, is right here, within me; I realised that no matter how much I wanted to conform with what others expected of me, it did not make me happier and I finally understood that if you build huge walls around yourself, and don't let go of the fear of getting hurt again, love will never stand a chance, 

This last realisation opened up Pandora's box and so my heart loves again, regardless of it being loved back. 

This was, without a doubt, my growth year, the year that has kick started who I am meant to be, and who I want to become, the year that clarifies all others and has made perfect sense of what was just a blurr...

I am no longer unsettled and restless, beaten and hurt. I have found my serenity and no longer blame myself or others for the pain and anger I have felt. 

It's a sense of blissful gladness, that now helps me to appreciate and love my life as it is. 

Once you realise all that, small miracles begin to happen and instead of hoping for more you find joy in all the little unexpected gifts life offers. 

I therefore look forward to this new year, because even though it makes me a little melancholic to say goodbye to this one, I know I will enter into the next one with all the new knowledge, feelings and tools I have been lucky enough to find along the way.

I do not enter it without expectations however, I enter this new year expecting ANYTHING is possible!!! 

My biggest wish for 2013 is that each and everyone of you may experience  this feeling, so you may sail happily and smoothly, through the rough and tough parts of life. 

"Live to love, and love to live" - because the time we have here is preciously short and there is no better way to spend it, but by absorbing every single moment we are granted. 

Wishing you a fascinating 2013!! 

May it bring to you your own epiphany...and the faith to trust your heart.

The Spirit of Love

I am probably the LAST person who should give relationship advice, so I won't, but inspired by a column I recently read and a few friends who seem to be struggling to rekindle the 'flame of love', I feel it may be time to share a few of my thoughts on this.

Being single, makes me over-romanticise relationships apparently....I tend to forget the ins & outs and ups & downs of married life, I fantasise that being with a partner is all romance and bliss.
As it turns out, it's not...most of the time.

The other day a friend of mine told me about her husband who goes to bed early every single night except when he's out with 'the boys', hasn't kissed her properly in over a year, and sexually only makes time for a 'quicky' now and again. It sounded terrible until another friend told me that she too had hardly any physical contact with her partner after being together for about 5 years now. She watches TV upstairs while her husband watches it downstairs, he farts and burps whenever the need arises and she sometimes doesn't do his laundry to punish him when they argue. Once I started asking around, it seemed everyone had some things they wished they could change to improve communication and love within their relationship, but felt alone in this as trying to tell their partners about it frequently backfired or turned into a minor (tug-of) war. I could not believe my ears.. why is it that two people who start off ecstatic about each other, come to a point of near neglect? What happens that makes us forget or take the other for granted ? And why do some couples manage to keep the magic, whilst others don't?

I know it may sound very simplistic, but standing on the outside, looking in, I sometimes wish people would see how minor details can make huge changes. We keep on placing expectations on the other person, as to what the other should/could do to make our life (together) better. We get irritated by what we expect the other person to do or say, even though we don't give them a single clue as to what would actually help.

A relationship is not the 'be all and end all' in life of course, and some are just not meant to last. However, I must admit (even though I am a 'happy single') that sharing your life with someone is unique. Sharing feelings of affection and mutual respect as well as certain passions, children, goals and aspirations can make for a wonderful relationship.

This is what I think....stop expecting!! Say what you want, what you wish and what makes you happy. Keep it realistic and realise at the same time that you are not alone in the relationship, the other person has needs and feelings too. I think that starting off with small acts of kindness; a smile, a friendly touch or even a cuddle again, could slowly open up the way back into your partners heart. The love is there surely you've just lost touch of it.
I know men and women think and act differently, and sometimes best intentions get lost in translation, but try to remember those very first moments when you fell in love and wished you could spend each and every moment of each and every day together....if you can find a fraction of that feeling back again, it will help you see your partner with more loving eyes. (This goes for both partners by the way, no use one person getting all 'lovey dovey' whilst the other sits next to you remaining an 'old fart'!! - Having said that, I think change may even be possible when only one person kicks off the new mojo, as the other will surely follow).

It's not about expecting.
It's about giving....and once you start giving, for some magical reason you receive in return.

So now that Christmas is coming up, a stressy, but lovely time of year, where family, friends and especially love come first. Make an effort !! ...Convince yourself you're once again blissfully in love with your spouse and feel the warmth it may create within you. The power of the mind is huge and the heart is a very eager companion.Wrap a lotta-love around your partner, kiss beneath the mistletoe again and hold hands whilst you take an evening stroll in the snow.... remember...love grows when you let it unfold.
 

Merry Christmas !

Divorcée

Today is D-day...

Funny, I never really pictured myself as a divorcée...I was one of those girls who grew up thinking that getting married was something you only do once in your life. You find the person you love most, marry them, say your vows and stick together, no matter what.
I thought.

As it happens life has turned out a little different...and now, after being separated for 7 years, I'm officially divorced, free to do my own thing, start over, do whatever non-married people my age do....whatever that may be!!

For the moment I intend to devote myself mostly to parenting the kids, who I'm happy to say, are often home with me to keep me safe and sane. They don't realise it yet and maybe they never really will, but they saved me from losing myself; they cushioned my heartache with cuddles and kisses, helped me grow by shedding their tears, and made me strong by showing me their own courage when thrown in a situation they could do nothing about, just accept.

I know now where things went 'wrong', and how out of balance my life and I had become. At the time I would not have agreed, but sometimes marriage should not last until the bitter end.

Even though, I often felt 'robbed' of my life's dreams and aspirations, when we first separated, I now know that I have just been dealt different cards. That my old life erupted only to provide me with valuable new experiences and most importantly an open heart!
It took me quite a while, many mistakes and hurting loved ones in the process, to get me where I am today. Not perfect, but I accept who I am, what I can, and how I cope. None of this is easy. For anyone. In any situation really.... But I'm happy to say that what you see is what you get. I let my heart rule nowadays, I do what I love and I love what I do. No more battles between heart and mind, because I've realised there is no other (real) option than to follow your heart. This, I now believe, is the only way to avoid regrets in life and love.

I have no idea as to how life will unfold, and if I'll be lucky enough to love and be loved again someday....
A daunting thought sometimes, but then I remember that I am not alone, that I'm surrounded by so many people who care!! The kids, family and friends have filled my heart with so much of their love and warmth, that I can feel it overflowing. There's plenty to go around and so I can only hope that what goes around comes around and back again....so it may touch others as it touched me.

And so, a word of thanks....
Thank you to the 'Ex' for cutting me loose yet remaining my buddy and loyal co-parent through it all.
Thank you Life for the 'has beens', thanks for the 'have becomes' and looking forward to the what 'may be's' .... !!!

Mr. Dick Head

We all know the type, or have met one at some time in our lives and they're usually not that hard to miss, as their gigantic ego's precede them. They love to talk about 'ME, MYSELF and I'...mostly bragging about the women they have conquered as if they are God's gift to us. Usually preying on the weak and vulnerable, as no strong woman in her right mind would even consider such a self-absorbed-excuse-of-a-man.

Not so long ago, I met the leader of the pack, I had encountered a few Mr. Dick Heads in the past, but none this sophisticated. This guy was a master at it. He knew exactly what to say to tickle your senses, and trigger your curiosity, only to find that within 5 minutes into a conversation, it was all about HIM. He managed to lure you into a false sense of comfort, by throwing in just enough sweet 'bates' and 'I'm such a good guy compared to the rest' anecdotes. I'm ashamed to admit it, but at first I fell for it... as if intoxicated by his deceiving good looks. I patiently listened to all his (bullshit) tales of rescued damsels in distress. Every female on earth seemed to fall at his feet and beg to be taken and of course, he complied. He was a terrific salesman, closed the deal with great suave, yet he was nowhere to be found once the deed was done.

Like a praying mantis grasping and devouring his prey yet escaping the fate of death by cautiously picking out the most fragile and defenceless creatures. Mr. Dick Head superior enjoyed the quick satisfaction, nothing long term or remotely complicated although he was convinced of his own spiritual depths.

It turned out, he was a 'Shallow Hal', his interests were only skin deep and short lived. I have no idea how a person actually survives on just the artificials, but they exist. After a few (failed) attempts at 'getting into my pants', so to speak, I ended up getting told how terribly fucked up I was, and that I needed to change BIG TIME if I wanted to function properly in this society.

(insert : WIDE OPEN MOUTH DROP)

Well....after the initial shock and slight feeling of uneasiness as I wondered for a second if he may actually be right, I concluded that : I am better than this, and he was probably just pissed off that I wouldn't budge into a horizontal state of fornication, well sod him. I may still be single and not very good at relationships, but I will not be verbally bullied into a 'use-me-and-dump-me' position pretending to call it 'society'.
I bet he now regrets having once praised my great writing skills......

If you screw around with this 'loca' ....you get nailed Mr. Dick Head.

Truth...

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” 

This sentence has been haunting in my mind lately.... Why is it that honesty is such a rare trait? How difficult can it be to just be straight about what you feel or what you think. Are we so out of touch with our own feelings and emotions that we cannot provide an honest answer or honest reaction to what we face in life?  Has life become so shallow that we only react within the perimeters of our own stereotype.. too afraid of what others might think, and how they may react? Afraid of judgement and exclusion or rejection? Afraid of hurting others? But mostly afraid of our own self? Of who we might actually be?
Yet prepared to suffer the consequences created by these dishonest misconceptions. Only to create an even bigger web of self torture.

We tend to think that by avoiding the truth we avoid pain, but the opposite is what we achieve. Hence, making the truth something doubtful, because if we can't face it in a negative situation, we sure as hell can't believe it in the positive sense. Leaving it nowhere to be found.

After having put up protective barriers the size of the Wall of China - to safeguard my heart from pain - I realised that all they did was keep people out and make my heart a lonesome place. So much so that even the ones that tried to conquer it, lost the battle and walked away defeated by exhaustion.... After that realisation, I decided that it was going to be all or nothing, what you see is what you get, no hidden agenda, no fear, no pretending to be something I'm not. Pure and simple, ME.

I never, for one second thought that that would be an even tougher road to take. Not everybody is ready for the unplugged version. Some people hover in the comfort of 'make-believe'....and maybe that is what I did too, for the longest time. Only to find that it doesn't work, it's a denial stage of what we truly feel and who we really are. We play hide and seek from our own truth by creating a 'secure' sense of being - pretending we're someone we're not.....under the cloak of - 'who's kidding who' or better yet 'I'm kidding me AND you'. We hide from personal pain and anguish in there, and tell ourselves it's just a coping mechanism to survive, and that all we need is time. 
But it's NOT. Time is essential yes...but time to hide from what we honestly feel is wasted time!! 

The best way to deal with what comes your way in life, whether it's good or bad, in my humble opinion is by honestly reacting to it. Reach within your soul and feel what YOU feel. Be real and truthful about this to yourself and others and you will find that it magically uncomplicates life. It will not protect you from any negative or positive emotion, but I assure you FEELING..... really FEELING any emotion makes you come alive !!! 

May we all dare to dive into our guts for honesty and realise that within it lies the key to self and mutual respect. 

So unplug yourself from expectations and let the truth set you free !! 

Love....

For centuries we have been fed love story upon love story. Literature has provided us with the most fascinating examples of true love, unrequited love, tragic love, lost love, eternal love, re-united love and so many more breathtaking tales of passionate true love.


But what is love? Really.... Does it exist in real life like it does in the great novels and romantic movies?
And if so.... Then how and when can we tell it's the REAL Mc Coy?


I have lately mainly seen love go...disappear...and exit the lives of many dear to me, including mine. Not necessarily due to the loss of it, but mainly by choice...However, does love ever 'choose' to leave? And if so..was it even real love ? Or just an illusion? ..Sometimes we confuse habit, our need for love or plain lust... for love...
Sometimes, as if teasing us....even love prematurely buds, blossoming shortly, only to return later on for the full bloom.

Once a sceptic....but now a born again 'hopeless romantic' of this day and age, I cannot and will not let myself believe that anything or anyone can stand in the way of love, of TRUE love. Hence it's tragic yet hopeful character. Love never dissipates, when two souls that are meant to be; 'cannot be'..love just nestles itself safely into one of our heart's chambers....patiently awaiting the power of destiny.

Destiny being the glue that binds true love.

So why DO so many of us hide from it? Pretend true love doesn't exist, or convince ourselves that love is not in the cards for us...that true love does not exist except in fairy tales? That "Happily Ever After" is just a script line, designed as a box office hit. What is it that terrifies so many of us about this heartwarming emotion? Yet we secretly all long for it, cherish the thought of it and hope to find it...to love and BE loved one day!


FEAR - fear of being nakedly vulnerable to a love unreciprocated....Human actions and emotions that may end up tearing up our lovestruck heart and grinding it to dust, leaving us broken and devastated as a result....

The simple truth, however, is...that the power of love is omnipotent... that there is no love without risk, there is no greatness without weakness, there is no glory without guts. In this life, there are few who dare to accept true love ...few brave enough to feel it, try it and to open up their hearts to all the possible pain and anguish this attempt may bring. But NOT trying is like NOT living...

It's ALL or NOTHING when it comes to love.

I like to think that love will find us no matter what, that destiny will work its charms to help us recognise it, and embrace it when it's staring us in the face.....That our fear of it is unfounded and unnecessary. ....That true love brings no harm but immense joy and warmth to those of us who actually DARE!! .....

 Love  then becomes unavoidable, unregretable and unforgettable....

You can run from love, pretend you don't see or feel it or even ignore its presence, believe me I've tried, but in the end there is no escaping it. Love will find YOU, every time.

So if it's not today, it may be tomorrow or the next day....but a love that is meant to be, will be....and :
 "unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love, it is a waste of time, there are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them." (*Dream for an Insomniac)

*

The Life of Riches - My friends at the Trailer park

When you find yourself suffocating in the bling-bling bubble of riches, it's time for a breath of fresh air ! Luckily I'm one of those incredibly nosey and curious beings and so, I went to visit my friends at the trailer park. It's absolutely blissful there, a private beach surrounding a small lake, playing areas for the kids and most of all, nature, lots of nature !! (Of all sorts yes, even the people there go for the 'natural look' - which means a no nonsense approach to hairy armpits and make up). They GROW with the FLOW ;-). I love it, it helps me forget about all my 'insecurity' issues, being surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes,who don't give a shit, is innovating and well,.... 'refreshing' in a certain sense of the word.... !!

On my first visit, I met the wonderful 'Miss Sop' ....probably THE 'trailerpark-babe-on-heals' (Goodness knows how she manages parading around on those ;-) ). Her nickname derived from her attention craving pouts and smalltalk, and as you may have gathered her actual 'look'...Once a blond 'bombshell', now a forty something with grey roots and wrinkles. The way she flicks her hair is 'just right' and only meant for some.....or maybe even for just THE one...THE (only) eligible bachelor at the trailer park. To him I'd just like to say, "thank goodness you're only there for the summer"... I don't think you'd survive getting fully 'drenched' by Miss Sop !!

Another thing that struck me, and you may think me 'blond' for saying so, but....some people have NOT been blessed with very much grey matter IN the head department. And believe it or not, it does not have much to do with hair colour, like we tend to joke about...I guess it's more to do with 'breeding'. One guy, simply redefines the word 'dumbo'....I mean no offence, and I'm sure none will be (or is even possibly) taken on his behalf... He walks around dressed (yes, I guess it's a miracle he's dressed!)....in clothes that are at least 4 sizes too big for him, his head looks like an egg with black hair ..(and believe me the mental picture you just made, FITS!) he carries around his iPod (no, it's not a Walkman, I mean it IS 2012...even at the trailer park....duhhh). If he gets the chance he'll look for a seat nearby anyone really....to listen to whatever is playing through the earphones, whilst letting out deep and  melancholic sighs of...relief/pleasure? It may even be his way of 'orgasming' the sound of music !! Who can say.....!! All I can say is.....it's the most terrifying habit I have seen anyone have. It makes you wonder whether this guy is really mentally challenged or a pervert in disguise. I hope the first, even for him.

After spending the day gawking at these 'new' and fascinating bunch of people, I went home and realised the bling-bling bubble is not that different a place, (we too have Miss Sops, Mr. Creepies and the way we try to go against the natural flow of nature is so exceptionally frantic that it makes us look just as bizar, if not worse) except we DO have brain matter therefore we SHOULD know better than to behave the way we often do.....or maybe ignorance is (really) bliss.....at all levels.

Single Me

It has been nearly six months since I was in what I would like to call - a serious relationship, but one that in retrospect, I never took seriously enough until it was too late. The cliche is true : you don't know what you have, until it's gone.

So now what ?!
Do I really want another man in my life ?!
The 'exploring' each other again...
The 'explaining' my personal manual again ?!  (It's now officially thicker than the bible !!)
My whys and why not's, my fears and insecurities thrown out in the open - AGAIN ?!
I don't think so, not now and not for a long time to come I suspect.

It's like when I read a good book, I couldn't for the life of me get into the next one straight away, I need to let it sink in, process and settle. It needs time, time to find a place in the heart and mind.

A few years ago though, I didn't do that, I jumped from one 'book' into the next, if you know what I mean. Most weren't even 'books' or 'articles', but just enticing 'headings', that lead to nothing and left me empty. No fulfilment, no meaning, desperately craving for more as I was obviously not finding whatever I was looking for. It only dawned on me, after I spent one and a half years pegging away at a story that felt too good to be true, that what I wanted was staring me straight in the face, yet it took me forever to get into the storyline. Then, just when it all started making sense to me, I actually lost the plot, the ending began to unravel as I realised that I was in my own little fairytale, and prince charming had galloped by - tried his best....yet left disheartened... because I was too busy worrying about the pitfalls that could tear us apart. In the end, I had created them myself.  A wonderful story turned sour, by my own potion of troubled imagination and fear.

Don't take me wrong, I love men, I love the fact that they are so opposite to us women, the way they think differently and act so much more primal than we do. They worry less and live by the day. Making life seem less complicated ...easier.

I just don't think there is room for a man in my life, not now. It's time to sit down and literally write and re-write my own (story) book and see what new plot and which (new) characters will fill the pages !!

I'm getting there...

Life to some of us is a string of soul searching moments, finding out who we are and why we are what we are. We struggle with our inner selves, our feelings and emotions, debating whether one choice is better than the other and 'comfort' our friends and ourselves by saying, 'yes,I'm fine thanks, I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there....'

Getting WHERE?? Where are we supposed to be getting ? Is there like an end station to our thoughts and feelings ? Do we approach the day when all will be clear and solved ? Does everything fall into place at a certain point in our lives?? And if that happens, what the heck comes next ?? I mean, once we 'get there' right ?! THEN what ?

Nope, sorry, not working for me, this expression is just not how I see things. I don't have an end destination, no particular place I'd like to get to, or goal that I feel that should be reached. Not because I'm not motivated or plain lazy. But because I do try to keep an open mind and spirit and am constantly searching for challenges and answers to whatever comes my way!! You can't just define your destination on a random day and work your way to it as if it's the dishes you're gonna do !!  I don't think you can call this ongoing process : - 'the 'I'm getting there' - any time now - process'. Life on that level is a whole new ball game !! You challenge yourself, awaken, open your mind and soul to thrive on all the new stuff learnt, this then helps you evolve in a certain direction, an evolution that isn't always designed to better or worsen your old self, just BE. Because that's what it is, we ARE what we are at certain points in life, due to circumstances and experiences, we BECOME. Every moment we become the next, and every next moment is a new person that we've become. Ever changing, yet constant at the core.

Of course we all make a rough draft of what our dreams and wishes are for ourselves and these are good to keep us focused and keep our instincts vivid and they are there to help us on our way along the path of life. No end point though, just millions of possibilities out there just for grabs. We pick and choose as we wish, keep the stuff we like and get rid of what we don't...and what we pick today, will be different to what we pick tomorrow, as will what we return, and what seems useless now, may one day be (again) of greater value. There is no right or wrong in this....it's not a test and you can't fail. So if you can't fail, then it seems extremely likely that you can't 'get there' either, which shows how limitless life is and how rich it's fruits to pick. You'll never run out of possibilities, chances or risks to take as long as you're prepared to take them. And once you do...another universe full of options opens up to you just like that. You can always keep changing the combinations adding and subtracting, all the time experiencing the happiness of endless options and chances..

In that line of thought lies my belief and....hope that ANYTHING is possible, ALWAYS !! And so I'm not getting there, I'm on my way !!!

Rainy Days

It has been rainy and grey now for months on end. I think that at this point many of us feel drained by it's constant presence. We are in need of light, warmth and sun, or so we say. In a world governed by materialism, we seem unable to just pre-order this particular commodity. And so it makes us gloomy and emphasises the hard times.

Yet rain has a way of washing away your troubles, cleansing and refreshing the air we breathe. I have found that other side to this rain. A side, like most of us, that I had slightly forgotten. You see, rain makes the insides cosy, being stuck indoors together promotes bonding. A sense of closeness that sunshine cannot provide. Obviously sunshine makes you feel good, and feeling good is a wonderful sensation, the thing is, it's not hard to feel good when the sun is out and everything is looking bright....it's when the outsides are gloomy and teary that the gift of feeling good is felt best. Snuggling together on a couch to watch a movie or turning on the oven to bake delicious cakes with your kids, or even sitting down to a good and long overdue conversation are some of the things that warm our hearts profoundly. I've noticed that rain brings togetherness, joins and stimulates friendships into deeper levels. We get to the root of things - so to speak.

Having been through a rough few months lately, I have found that it is bad times that help us find the good ones. Taking myself out for a walk every single day, has opened my eyes to what beauties this rain has brought to nature. Trees are now a fluorescent shade of early spring green, flowers are starting to bloom, birds come out to sing and flirt with one another and the smell of fresh rain in the woods HAS to be one of the most amazing smells on earth...a musky yet fresh aroma of quenched earth and drenched trees that warms your heart in a way the sun cannot. Why ? Because it is a miracle found hidden away from the obvious!! That is where the secret lies.

So just a word of thanks to the ever lasting rainy days for reminding me that what seems dreary can actually hold extreme beauty and warmth and that happiness is found where you least expect it.

Mannerism

As a woman, it's utterly impossible to even fathom the thought of trying to understand a man's way of thinking. Believe me, I've tried. A man does and says things that we women often misinterpret from start to end. We are mostly left in the confusion of wonder. Often trying to fill in the question marks by filling in the gaps with our own way of thinking. This takes us even farther from what goes on in a man's head.

So, what does go on in there ? Anything ? Anyone ?

Nope, I don't have the answers, if anything, I am more at a loss for them than ever....I find myself trying every time to see the logic of their brain patterns, wondering if thoughts take place in their head, heart or a few inches lower even ....each time I'm convinced that I've figured it out and know which 'buttons' to press, the sequence changes and I find myself starting from scratch again.

Some profess their undying love to you, only to turn around one day and simply say they've changed their minds and no longer feel that way about you. Just like that....no warning, so you're left wondering what 'killed' the moment, what killed that 'once-upon-a-time-unconditional-love', which suddenly became 'conditional'.
We women would give off some signs, hints and screams making it clear that something might not be going in the right direction, alarm bells would be ringing - in desperate attempts to make the needed changes or adjustments. But a man, a man sits on his problems, refuses to talk about them by entering his safe zone...'the man cave'....while they keep us outside at a safe distance, the result being that we women, will only find out what the verdict is once he decides to come out of there having made up his mind. There and then, there will be no more room for discussion, once it's made up, it's made up.

So why are there so many bestsellers on the shelves on how to read your man's mind ? How to conquer his emotions, and lure him back into your world again? Is that even possible after a cave session ? Having read a few of those 'self-help-books' (which don't really live up to their name anyway)...I've come to the conclusion that however hard a woman tries and  WANTS to understand men, in order to make life easier, they just CANNOT.

There is no set of rules that applies to all....there are no answers if he feels he has no questions, there is no logic if he wants none. Life just comes at it is. Everyday brings a new set of 'rules'.

It's time to just accept that. No more bending over backwards to apologise or understand, no more trying to prove that things could be different next time.  No more begging or pleading into an unknown mind. A woman is a woman and a man is a man. Or else all it's going to be is a woman's point of view on a man's perception....and that .....is useless. Stick to what you know, not what you don't and never assume.

Intro Mies

Right, the journey is about to begin, buckle up and get yourself a front seat as I'm about to embark on one of life's most fascinating adventures....the 'WHO AM I - trip' !!

Most of us choose to ignore the whole bloody trip, because to be honest it's a real hassle to pack and prepare for it, and it's not always what it's cracked up to be, especially when we hit upon the rough and ugly spots....but they're a MUST if you want to do this trip to the max. If you only look at the goody-two-shoes-bit, then you'll end up letting your inner demon reign. You can't have one without the other....and once you've explored both ends of those dug outs, then you need to balance them out, find a truce between them and decide which stuff to dump and which to keep.

The point of this whole journey is to make myself the centre of MY universe. Know what I like, and what I don't, why I do and why I don't, what to do and what not, who to keep and who not, simply tie some knots and throw out some sandbags. All this...seen from MY point of view, not yours, or my mom's, or my childrens' or any good friends' .....no, MINE !! very selfishly ....just mine.

What and who do I give a shit about....what makes me tick, what triggers me and how ? Why do I yearn to please some and not others, how do I stop seeking approval and just ZEN into my own vibe of approval and appreciation.

This trip is not for the faint hearted, or those that are still too concerned with how they profile themselves upon others...NO. If you're still into that, then don't bother reading any further!! I mean, you too may have a trip to go on :  ALONE, that is a MUST. But feel free to tap into my guideline as you follow along....REMEMBER though...it's MY guideline, not yours, seek your own eventually !!

It is a journey into your inner self region, scary territory.....so be prepared, open yourself to countless possibilities and outcomes, as the destination is never revealed beforehand !!

Mine has started, due to a build up of emotions that just poured out, unrelentlessly, sometimes in private and other times just whenever they felt like it (very embarrassing, mind you). At first I thought it would quickly pass, but it didn't, so I started going to massages, just to get rid of the tension and believing that getting my back rubbed would melt those troubles away too... NOPE....it's helping, but it's only ONE tool....

Next one is YOGA.....I am now slowly learning to breathe again....yes, you can't imagine what it's like to actually feel  cool breath enter your mouth, pass your throat, into your chest and way down into your tummy, slowly....thoughtfully and controlled. It's Exhilarating !!
The yoga itself with it's stretch and relaxation is helping my body regain it's strength and flexibility, preparing it to become my 'TEMPLE' (I know, I've never been into all these 'abracadabra' words either, but they kind of emphasise my point here!)

Today I took a new step, I visited an acupuncturist.....not a single needle entered my body, but just by pressing a little here and there and asking to see my tongue (blech!!!). He gave me a glimpse of myself, the one I had desperately tried to hide from him !!!

And here's the clue....NO HIDING...not from myself, because if I do, I'll only kid myself and this trip will just end up being postponed till next time....
I'm not one for waiting as you all may know by now and so, I choose to take this trip NOW, and enjoy the ride wherever possible.
I apologise beforehand to those I may end up 'hurting' or 'losing' on this trip, it's not my intention to do so, but I've been told that there will be casualties and friendships may dissolve. The 'pleaser' in me is saying sorry now, as I may not feel sorry about it, once I find my true ME, you know... the confident one, that may no longer give a flying f@ck about your opinion, but will take your honest concern or advice into account, realising I will never be 'better' than you. That is not the point of this. The point is self reflection, self knowledge and self indulgence, to find the inner peace needed to be happy with just ME.

Apparently after that, all the rest is bonus happiness !!

Ok, fasten your seat belts, hold on tight......this crazy woman is on her way to the next level !!! :-)

In Loving Memory of a True Friend

We found each other after years apart
our friendship grew from heart to heart.
So much pain in common we shared
so much hope and strength we paired.
Both believing ....in the good times up ahead.

A piece of me I gave to you
but so much of you now remains with me.
I promise to live and love like we both said
never wait or hesitate !!

Life is too short
you so often told me....
Until we meet again
my dear true friend...

I will miss you always....Mies X

Fate Rules

And so....just like it started, in a flash, it ends. Funny how all I seem to remember are the wonderful moments, the fun, the togetherness, the joy of daring to look into the future together and making plans. Trips, dinners, drinks, couch-potatoe'ing together, everything now has a lovely silver lining, and a nostalgia shadowed by a feeling of lament for it having ended far too soon. How, can so much love disappear into thin air ?! Did we fool love, or did love fool us?

Most of the memories now go into my 'most cherished' box. And I find myself piling them in like a mad woman, for all of a sudden I see the lovely moments and relive them one by one, realising they were indeed worthwhile and even the painful memories make me utmost grateful and happy. Yet it's only now, that it's over, that I see it, that I realise the value of what I had. Why do we humans always realise this when it's too late. 'You only know what you've got when it's gone'  ....When there is no way back and so we use this to learn our lessons in life, and do better next time....

Next time is not an option right now ...because just like that, when it ended, it began. I felt my heart skip a beat and knew, that it belongs to one person only. Love struck, and this 'condition' can be long lasting.
It is far too late, happened much too slow, and there is no known remedy.

So, if it's no longer in the cards for me, I shall have to leave it at that let it be and set it free and keep enjoying all the rest, my kids, friends, family and all that warmth and love that they provide. I'll still feel a void, undoubtedly, and it may even be forever..!! But that's only because sometimes, you just stumble upon the right person even though the timing may seem off and the combination may seem odd, yet in your heart, you know it's absolutely right.

And so, I slowly realise that this is my choice, I choose to love, whether it means that I will be loved or not my heart is open and willing. More than that, we cannot do in life, except decide how WE ourselves stand in what we want and hope for, the rest is up to FATE.

Teddy Bear Love

There comes a time when all of a sudden it feels like someone turned the lights on, whilst you were walking around in the dark banging yourself against anything and everything because you just couldn't see. Then, just like after a dark day, the fog is lifted and all is CLEAR...you blink a few times and realise that you WERE lost in the dark. Not knowing what was left or right, front or back. But now the view is unclouded, the trouble is, you hit and broke so much in that darkness, that you actually destroyed the place you were at.

Some of the damage may not be all that bad, just a few pick-ups and setting straights, but sometimes valuable stuff gets broken, so much so, that you wonder if it's even possible to repair. So the option of replacement comes to mind. After all the broken pieces look useless and destroyed. I guess that it mainly matters WHAT was actually shattered, HOW much it meant to you beforehand and WHETHER you still want it.

I know tons of toddlers that carry around a tattered old bear, one eye missing, ears and arms sown and re-sown back on many times, not much left of their furry bellies from all the hugs and kisses they receive all day and all night. But STILL, the toddler loves his bear to pieces ...for all the times they spent together, all the tears they quenched, all the drool they took, and all the love they gave, when no one else was around for comfort. To those of us who had such a faithful companion, it taught us how to love, unconditionally and without caring about looks.

When we grow up, we often loose that sense of loyalty, and it seems the more we have the less we care. When we find a special someone, or even a special something, we no longer keep them lovingly until their tattered looks tell tales of history together, but we let our hearts drift away when tough times generate a battered soul. Our attention quickly shifts to the newer, prettier and better looks of else wheres, not realising we loose sight of what the essence of longevity was. You see, to me, it's sticking to what and whom you love, no matter how tossed and turned it gets, no matter which scars appear. The thing is, those scars are often just a sign of too much love, too many hugs, too many tears, too many cuddles and too many 'tossed in the corners' on that tattered old bear of ours. And sometimes we do the same later in life, we love too much, hug too hard, cry too loud, and toss too far-aways....but unlike in our youth, we don't go back to find comfort in that long and loving friendship, but we decide to close our hearts and move on.


I for one, still have my tattered old bear, and looking at it the other day, I realised that inside of it was where I put my soul as a little girl. Today I woke up opened my eyes and realised that all that tossing around in the dark, was only because I had lost sight of my 'bear'(self) ....of what was actually important, and so I'm left to pick up the pieces, as I would have sown back eyes and arms and ears, I now do damage repair in the comfort of my own mess, and loving it for what it is and what it's brought me...it's the memories that lie within  the tattered-ness, it's there that we find comfort and strength and it's there that the love resides for that which we had, we have, or may one day have again. Because deep deep down, buried underneath the bullshit is where our 'old-teddy-bear-like'  love lies....find it, treasure it and KEEP it !!!'

Stepford Syndrome

What is it with women that everything needs to be a competition?

Who is the prettiest?
Who is the thinnest?
Who is the smartest? 
Who has the best hair?
Who married the best husband?
Who has the greatest kids?
Who is the best mother?
Who is the best cook?
Who has the best life......

For Pete's sake ...anything and everything is compared, judged and reviewed !! Why? Why does one woman need to be the best in anything or everything? Why isn't it ok, that some are successful in certain areas, at certain times, whereas others are brilliant in other areas and other times....!!

I keep noticing this trend more and more, and fear it can only lead to disappointment and unhappiness. No one is perfect and that's more than FINE ...having to prove yourself to other women friends is an exhausting task. One that no one will be able to achieve. Save yourself the trouble please and just enjoy your own life and your own goals. No matter how other women might think you SHOULD be doing things, choose your own path as it is YOU and only YOU that needs to live, YOUR life !!!

Why is it that some women feel better when they put other women down and bitch about them? If I'm truly honest about this and do a soul search for answers, the only thing that comes to mind is:  

INSECURITY.

A nasty women's trait, is to hide one's own insecurity by focusing on another woman's insecurity !! Somehow it elevates you from your miserable self by deflecting on an even more miserable soul. We turn our diet starved bodies into hungry feeders on other women's misery and misfortune, which in turn leaves those poor souls drained of any energy and hit by disillusion. Slowly one will calculatedly suck the life out of the other...





I see this happening all the time, lately, women seem so unsatisfied with their own lives that it is becoming more and more acceptable to bully themselves into other women's lives in an effort to make some of those, often struggling, women more miserable than themselves.

I am far from perfect, realise it and have often stated it or admitted it. I too feel the pressure, due to many aspects in my life that do not coincide with 'the perfect picture', of the Stepford Syndrome.
Some days are tougher than others, some days are extremely good and happy ones. Being quite open about this to the 'outside world' makes me vulnerable in the 'criticism-department', obviously. When you make something public everyone will have an opinion and because of  a wonderful weapon called 'freedom of speech' I am often an easy 'target'. HOWEVER, please remember that behind the black and white text is an actual human being with feelings and insecurities too.

Which brings me back to the whole perfect woman (Stepford-Wife-Syndrome) issue that we keep dumping on each other....No need to be friends with every woman in your life, just be nice, polite, caring, or just mind your own business, and work on your own insecurities before you go around judging others on theirs. And so dear women friends, let's not be in competition but complement each other where needed !!!  Nobody is perfect and to be honest, I quite like it that way.

Waiting...

Faced with one of the most difficult tasks in my life due to who I am and how I function, (or not)...I find myself, waiting. Waiting for an answer, a sign, a hint, anything that will make this stomach-aching-clutchy feeling inside of me, settle and calm down.

Once again, I induced the pain and torture of this 'wait' on myself....by being careless with a precious gift called 'love'. One too many rejections, one too many moments of doubt and fear...and the frailty of love dissolved into what if's and never mind's ...

The pain and regret that directly strike you straight after you get hit by that reality are mind blowing and deeply heartfelt. 'Not again' dashes through your mind like a crazy man...accusing you of repeated behaviour and ditto mistakes. Blame and failure set out to win this fight. But who is right...if any of them?!

'If only's' find a way to haunt you down and make 'what if's' ..something of the past. No longer does that future look as bright and colourful as it did the split second before the damage was done. And so, after you hear yourself begging and pleading for the 'what might have been's' ....you realise that all that's left is waiting. Waiting for what the one you hurt decides your verdict is....:, to continue loving or let go,  that is the question. An extremity like hot and cold....two 'aquaintances' usually nowhere near to each other, yet so close and made of the same substance. The treacherous debate will now take place within a mind and heart outside your own.

You find yourself waiting in stages.

First denial, because you cannot believe the damage that was done by your carelessness and the amount of love you might have broken...then comes anger, at yourself for having failed and hurt the one person that always stood by you no matter what. This gets followed by pathetic bargaining, a million promises made to solve every single problem that arises. An impossible and truly unaccomplishable task. So you sink into depression, as you realise what you have lost and broken, and that no matter what you might want to glue it back together with, the wound will have to heal by itself ....somehow....and so you accept. Accept that all that can be done is wait. Wait for a miracle, or wait until time helps heal the wound....and hope that what is left of it when 'healed' is still strong enough to survive the next stage....whatever the outcome.

But combining all of the above, the list dashes through my head in constant repetition...and makes the wait a long and painful one, with no one but myself to blame for it.

Loving you, loving me....

Whatever anyone says about this topic...I just don't feel it....the whole loving 'ME' thing...I mean, I see it, and I get the hang of the actual concept, but I just can't seem to feel it or apply it. Not that I'm an unlovable person, surely not, but actually loving myself on a daily basis?? Nope...it's not happenin' !!!

To be honest,  mostly I'm not very pleased with myself or how I handle things, quite appalled even at times..(but I'll leave out the worst bits, just to spare you...) it's just that I'm not so good at 'crisis management' or even 'forgiving myself' for all my binge eating, lack of patience, vocal outbursts and/or stubborn mistakes that seem to happen over and over again.
At the end of the day, when all goes black and night falls, the same thing happens to me, all goes black and I fall. I fall into the habit of self-criticism. I review my day and decide what should have gone differently, seldom do I have a day that I seem satisfied or even a little pleased about. It's not that I'm depressed or anything similar, no worries there, I just feel I could and should do better.

I find myself ruled over by my über ME, as if my strict-self comes out, telling me I ate too much, talked too much, spent too much but did too little. 'This intolerant self' can get quite annoyed at ME for all that and more....and so the lecture begins...

'Tomorrow....I shall...' and 'after that....I will...' or even 'never again ...shall I...'

All my weak points get summoned and told off by the dark-night-time-ME. The better ME. Maybe even the perfect ME, yes that's right.. Über ME

Having said all this, there is little or no room left for any self-love, because I plainly do not fit my own 'perfect picture' of ME. And so, I regret the faults, the decisions, the mistakes, and sometimes even who I was that day...(preposterous, I know, because it's not like I can just 'change' that ME, right ?!) but that's how it is, plain and simple.

You'd think that getting told by friends and family that you are a nice enough person and perfectly worth loving would help out in these circumstances, but NO...for me that tends to inflame the affected 'I-must-work-on- ME' areas. Which in turn brings me more torture when night time sets in, as that becomes another issue altogether.

I find that I am exhausting myself - and others - with this unsatisfying trend. It is making me even more unloved and inaccessible, even to myself. Not to fear though...this too has become a task to tackle according to my nightly fussy-GOD-mother !!!

Tonight however, I plan to outwit the 'perfect ME' by telling her that I refuse to be berated on all my faults and defects !!! There will be NO more self-bashing, no more nasty comments and no more hoping to become that better person that I am supposed to LOVE. It's just not gonna happen. It's ME, it's been ME for 38 years and I'm gonna stay being ME for the next 38 years at least. So deal with it. Bugger off and leave me be....
Difficult, complicated, temperamental and extremely indecisive....so much so, that I'm giving up this endless struggle, I'm fed up with it, enough is enough. I've tried....I failed, FINE.
All the possible 'loving ME' giddinnes will be left up to others from now on. Good Luck with that I say !!

Now I just have to find the courage to feel all THAT  ;-)

Mies :-)