Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Amuse Bouche

For a while know I have had the suspicious notion that the men I've dated so far, have perceived me as their 'side dish' and not their main course. I've been what the French appropriately call an 'amuse bouche' (literally an amusing mouthful). I tickled their appetite ....for more....just not more of me !!

It leaves me a little sad and disappointed to say the least, for it just seems so hard to understand that someone can like so much of you, yet, not want you. But I suppose it's exactly like that appetizer, it's a flavour explosion that makes you curiously long for the next dish.....yes...the next one. A hidden seduction... an enticement. If we 'translate' that into intimate relationships, I have only been that which one tries before the real master piece is welcomed and approved of, in other words a 'flirtation' of sorts.

It has been very frustrating to be honest, many tears have trickled down my cheeks over this, and however much I'd like to understand it.

I don't.

Can a 'side dish' ever turn into a main platter ?! Do I stand a chance in a world saturated with numerous 'pieces de resistance' ?!

One thing I'm sure of...I no longer want to be that side dish.... the one that seems suitable and readily available to accompany all meals. Easily combined and always enjoyable yet never quite the filler. I long for a complimentary combination or the whole hog. In this case that would make me the center piece of the table like a magestic banquet of..., in my case, pork.

So how do you go from being a simple 'extra' to the most wanted platter...well that's where I seem a little lost and confused. Afterall, pork needs gravy, lamb is complemented by mintsauce, chicken goes best with lemon, garlic and spices, and even bread needs butter to complete it. Still that leaves me nowhere. Except back where I started...as the complimentary side dish. Which I've decided I no longer want to be.

I guess what I'm trying so hard to say is that I no longer want to be assigned the crumbs in this meal of a lifetime. I will attend the table in honour or not at all. I will be scrumptiously tasted and flavoured and will only be satisfied if my 'taster' is left longing for more, concluding that I'm finger-licking delicious and should be cherished and adored like any proper 'piece de resistance' ought to be !!!

For now though....I have decided to decline my place at the table in order to have an appropriate 'men pause'... so at this moment in time this 'side dish' is off limits to the empty stomachs of uncommittable men with hunger pangs.

Friday, 24 September 2010

Stuck in the Moment

Find myself struck and stuck, not because I have no stories left to tell but because after my 'Heart Locked' blog, all emotion seems to have hit the 'off' button. So the next fase sets in and I suppose it leaves me pondering... and wondering...the question this time being...

'Now what' !!

I realise that this will most probably be a temporary state of mind, yet find myself feeling a bit uneasy as it might just be a bigger breath to hold this time. Feeling stuck in the moment...seeing no exit. Emotions locked away, safe and sound. Living day by day, moment by moment, no aspiration for more. Perfectly content, yet with the knowledge that hiding away feelings is most probably not the wisest way to go.

Is it possible, that I'm enjoying life, without sharing it ?! Without the longing to share it ....between two drawn souls. No need for that extra pair of everything, no need for another heart's warmth. Just living the moment, without loss, or disappointment, learning to be just me and slowly falling in love with that.

Stuck in the eye of life's storm, with a chance to soon be struck again, or maybe, just maybe, my pondering thoughts, may help it last... a little longer, long enough to get unstuck in the middle. Wondering the purpose of this pauze, as it baffles the brain yet leaves me with calm ease and tranquility.

Having time and space, to get unstuck from this momentary lapse may be the only cure, and best way out...of something I'm not sure I want to leave behind.

Looking left and right, front and back, but twirling in the midst of it, till the twirl's undone. Will I then have reached the 'unstuck' ?!

To all the stuck, I know this blog is crystal clear and to all others it must be a complete and utter 'fog blog'. My apologies for that but cannot provide you with anymore clarity of mind or matter. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be...for as long as it shall be. Live to the boundaries, close the exits, remove the doubts and warm the hearth. Welcome to the basics of love.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Paulo Coelho Writing books is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

The life of Riches 2....

If you thought the tales of the rich were over and done with in my last 'Riches' blog, then I'm afraid you've been left with a wrong impression. Many more shall follow !!

Last week I had the pleasure of enjoying a ladies lunch in a beautiful countrylike setting, it was a 'bring your own delicious dish'  theme and for some reason women my age seem to crave sweetness, so there was plenty of cream, strawberries, merengue, cake and chocolate...!!

I makes me wonder if this is a lack of sex, warmth and heartfelt comfort at this age...then again, it may just have been coincidence...

Whilst enjoying the scrumptious food, we chitter-chattered about life's challenges big and small. One of us has breast cancer, another has so many kids that we can hardly keep track of their activities anymore and yet another is actively looking for a job, the rest is stuck somewhere in the middle... and then there's me, 'the single one'. All of us provided the group with plenty of discussion material to entertain the whole luncheon-ordeal ! In the ongoing conversation I found out that apparently we not only have gardeners to trim and cut our lawns these days, but deer have also been spotted in this neighbour-robin'-hood of wealth !!! Yes, 'deer'....as in Rudolf, the rednosed reindeer... I could not believe my ears for I never imagined such a noble animal trotting down these 'foul' rich grounds, let alone trusting us with their calves whilst mother dear deer is off to hunt!!

Having spent the afternoon lunching and lounging....I went home, carrying a pretty full tummy of contentment with my life. The thing is...no matter what situation you're in, it's all about seeing and aknowledging the positives !!(Yes, I know I keep repeating that....it's called a mantra.)

So....this week, during a night out with the girls, we were discussing weekend plans and one of my friends had the most brilliant idea, she was planning a trip to the beach with the kids and another friend and why not have a beach bbq ?! And not JUST a beach bbq, no.....a portable one !!! Yes, I can see you imagining this tiny 'use only once apparatus', but no, when we talk beach bbq around here, we mean business, and so a huge Weber 'full option bbq' is packed onto a special towing device at the back of the Range to join the beachgirls on their outing. Afterall an afternoon at the beach in late summer is not complete without one !! And because so many of the men around here have no time at the weekend to join in this funfilled family outing, due to their golfing and sailing activities....the bbq is 'girl-friendly' !!!

You gotta love my friends, they all know how to re-invent life each and every time !!

After that much laughter over the portable bbq-trailer, a much needed visit to the loo was required. The staircase to and from the toilets was pretty steep the first time round, so I was a bit nervous now, having had a few drinks...but this place wouldn't prove it's decadence if it didn't have an elevator .....and so, with a quick press on the button, we flew from ground floor to first(class) and back.

Towards the end of the evening and without even having had a drink too many, I realised that all the men looked alike, they were all just different versions of each other ...one a little thinner than the other, another a bit older than the other, some a bit taller and slightly more handsome. All 'extreem-look-a-likes' . You'd think it would make it easier to choose from, just pick and pluck what you want, but what happens if, like in my case, it just isn't your type-of-guy ???  Well, you go home and sleep on him it.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

Heart Locked

Driving through town the other morning I had an epiphany about something quite crucial. It hit me, just like that, between the grocery shop and the bakery... I am no longer capable of having a relationship. I guess I have been pivoting around this point for a long time now...but just like that, it became apparent that I cannot give my heart completely. Worse even...I no longer want to give my heart to someone. It is safe and very well protected right where it is. Even so, I'm convinced that I still think, speak and feel with it, my emotional state has not been struck by this disfunction, so whatever happened, I just no longer have the desire to hand my heart over, to share it, or to take another's heart into mine.

I can no longer imagine what it is like to have the undying desire to see one particular person every single day, to have the need to be with him as often as possible.... These all seem distant and far away yearnings that I have forgotten how to have and wonder why we even have them at all. I even tend to compare relationships to how people watch tv, 'always hoping to find a better program on the other channel' and thus I assume that I will not be an item of lengthy or long interest, for the next available girl is just around the corner, also waiting to be swept away, and as easily accessible as that next channel.

No offense to those in relationships, but how the heck, do you keep the spark alive ?! I can't begin to remember what it all entails and how I managed it  for so long. At the time I think I never realised how long it was lasting and everyday must have felt like a new beginning. Now it just doesn't seem to feel right anymore. I have become accustomed to my newfound freedom and don't think it would be easy to adjust and cope with someone else's likes and dislikes.

I like being the queen of my castle, and will not abide by any king again.

I have the deepest respect for those that are still producing that magic potion called love and managing to make it last for years and years. My 'awakening' has shocked it out of me...who knows maybe only temporarily....

It must sound incredibly selfish and maybe even a little egocentric, but my life now revolves around me and my wishes, taking into consideration only, that I have 3 children who also require some much needed 'parking' space on these castle grounds !!
It has been a great challenge to even get to this point...never did the thought cross my mind that I may one day feel completely happy as a single girl. That life would be fun, and so freedom-filled and that the thought of being with someone would worry me instead of thrill me.......

Thursday, 2 September 2010

The life of Riches

Finally I think I may have enough courage to write this blog ... Courage I say, because I don't intend to ridicule anyone, yet at the same time I need to stay close to the facts for this is an account of the life of the riches(t).

Not all of you may know this about me, but I live in a very 'delightful' neighbourhood, where only a 'lucky' few seem to end up in this lifetime. Most of my friends have mansions of course and even though butlers have gone out of fashion, no one is too proud to have an au pair. After all, juggling '2.4 children' and an entire estate whilst you are also expected to be sporty, drink coffees, and go out to lunch with the 'girls' is a heck of a job. One that many working people truly underestimate....

Mornings are started at a fast pace...a quick jump into the 'Juicy Couture' trainers and it's off to school with the kids in humongous cars with divine Italian or sturdy German names in dull colours but with great potence. Once back home, and after a few coffee's with friends to catch up on all the ongoing gossip of the past 24 hours, it's time for some action. Tennis, yoga, fitness, jogging, golfing all very adequate sports to partake in. One  particular friend has decided that instead of having to cramp her car into a parking space at the local gym, it is much easier to have someone come to the house for yoga lessons, so for convenience sake, the 'girls' do 'twirls' on the upstairs balcony whilst the workmen labour around the house. I often wonder what these men must think of these stretch and bend sessions, but I have the sneaky suspicion that they enjoy them just as much as my friend does !!

After all this sportiness, the stomach  is famished  peckish and so a lunch seems more than appropriate... a few friends are rendez-vous'ed and a venue is chosen....chitter chatter time! A favourite topic is men, the lack of, or the inconvenience or sometimes even a rare moment of true appreciation of them. By now, more than half of the ladies are either divorced, widowed or separated and those that are still stuck in a marriage are desperate to either stay in it or find a safe way out.  It is not always an easy thing to be in you see, most men around here work long and far away hours...of course with some much needed golf and Grand Prix breaks to somewhat alleviate their job 'stressation' !! Showing their faces at home rarely but instinctively at exactly the right moments, just enough so as not to get the pretty little wife worried or in a notch.

The single women talk long and lengthy about all their new conquests and lovers, leaving some of the marriage struck ones feeling slightly unappreciated, jealous...and wondering whether it would be manageable to have a lover 'on the side'. (Just to be clear about this, yes, it is very possible for most, were it not that they are exhausted at the end of the day from all the rushing around and dealing with kids and mansion stuff..!!!)

Nearly 4pm and most schools are out, the big rush hours set in....jumping back into the Juicy-butt-print and helping the kids look for a lost rabbit on the home tenniscourt, as the poor soul was left to think it was his new home, being an upper class rabbit and all.... the afternoon stress sets in...and many more crisis situations need to be dealt with, phonecalls, homework, childrens sports activities, nobel-peace-prize- mediation between the kids and a healthy (preferably home-deliverded) meal. All is juggled and managed only well by delegating very clearly what one wants and expects from the live-in-help !!!

Thank goodness, otherwise most of these 'poor' mothers would go insane with all these time consuming chores. Then again stress is a great excuse to get a massage and that is something everyone around here loves and indulges in...but lets not get side-tracked.

Time for a sip of wine....well, to continue the flow that started at lunchtime anyway...just to take the edge off, after all it has been a more than hectic day and there is nothing like a good rosé to make up for it at times like these !!

After dinner kids are off to bed, quick kiss and chat, and then back downstairs where all has been neatly tucked away and cleaned by the lovely Filipina-multi-functional-lady.... time to relax and enjoy before the hubby gets home. Finally just before the tenth yawn the front door is unlocked and Mr. Husband announces his precense. Greated by left overs or at times no dinner at all and a wife in an expensive but worn down track suit, with a distinct stench whiff of alcohol, he offers her a peck on the cheek and subsequently turns on the sports channel....now it's his time to relax and enjoy !! A quick and very brief account of the day is done and off to bed goes the wife, whilst hubby dear watches sports and sex marathons on tv.

I trust I have left you with an accurate yet lasting impression of just another ordinary day in the life of the riches(t) for now.....