I turned 48 just recently and according to my doctor and gynaecologist I am headed straight for menopause. No turning back the clock, no bargaining for a few more menopause free years and no mercy on me. It's come too suddenly, too soon and too harsh!
My bones and joints ache like I imagined they would by the time I'd be ninety. My hair is greasier than John Travolta's in Grease even though I've tried washing it daily, or skipping days to wean off the daily lust for a clean hairdo - nothing betters the sight of it. Recently I lost a molar due to an unforeseen infection, only to find out that not only is the molar gone, but most of the bone around it has disappeared as well, literally leaving me with a crater, the size of hugeness. This too seems to be a 'symptom' of hormonal imbalance, I'm told.
The image of an old - homeless - toothless - lady haunts my mind ever since. Is that what middle-age brings to the table? A degradation of what once was and will never be again?
I don't mean to nag and yes, there is still plenty of life left in me, but I'm shattered by this sudden confrontation with growing older.
Sensitive readers I suggest you stop here - what I'm about to share isn't prim and proper, feel free to skip it. Also, this is my experience and maybe not anyone else's...
Blood Bath
Yes, there is no other word for it, PERIOD! Every time I now menstruate - and let me be clear about this as there's absolutely no telling when that will be - the first few days cause a horrific blood bath. So much so that my body feels drained and exhausted from leaking away in such a bloody outrageous fashion. Using pads wasn't enough to safely get me through the night time avalanches, so I've degraded to ordering special underwear to spare me from utter embarrassments in the morning. So, I am now the not so proud owner of a few Modibodi's. (I added a link for the curious readers, not to sponsor them or anything like that). The modibodi underwear is extremely comfortable (thank God), it does what it promises and even though I hate the idea of needing this particular type of un-sexy garment, I'm now grateful it exists.
Hormonal bomb
Usually when I go through things in life, my natural reaction is to talk about what's going on, share my thoughts and feelings with friends and anyone who'll listen and talk back.
As soon as I started sharing these menopause experiences with my girlfriends, some reacted saying: 'oh yes I remember' or 'it won't last long, but yes it's a drag', 'argh I know, I'm going through exactly the same'.
So why? Why do women go through this (mostly) in silence? Why did no one tell me more about this hormone bomb, or warn me or let me know that it can turn you into an emotional monster mom at times, if you let it. Why isn't this a more talked about subject and why do women have to pretend to be fine about this when we're not...
This hormonal rollercoaster turns your world upside down and inside out within minutes - something I vaguely remember from going through puberty. It wasn't great then and it's bloody awful now! Just when you think you've got your life on track, you get hit by the (peri)menopause bomb and the collateral damage isn't easy to avoid.
Blurry Brain
My brain is in a constant haze of not remembering.... the other day I couldn't even remember if I had shampooed my hair already or not whilst in the shower. The more I tried to remember, the more I drew a blank. Utter darkness, nothingness and emptiness in there. A black hole. The trick is nog getting sucked into it, but looking out for the positives, for the good moments I guess, for that which we remember.
Life as we know it continues
In the meantime, whilst this body massacre takes place, life goes on as we know it. We are still expected to show up on time, to be our cheerful selves, to function without flaw at work and at home, and to be the sexy, confident woman our friends and families are used to.
But to be honest I don't always feel that way now, I often feel vulnerable, scared, insecure, sad and very much alone dealing with these body & mind changing issues. Life has thrown me (and so many other women) a curveball and I'm not too sure how to handle it.
I'm not ready to stop blooming!
Please tell me that its DOES get better and that it's not all downhill from here.
To the men who managed to read this far...
Good on yah! Please be kind if you run into me or any other woman around my age. Thank you!
