Once again it happened....having 'frightened' away my 'first knight', because of my trust issues and probably other significant stuff it has made me wonder if this relationship tango is even possible for me. I find myself feeling happy, yet, something seems to be standing in the way of love. But what...?!
The other day a friend of mine pointed out to me that I seem to be attracting the 'wrong' crowd...feeling young at heart, it seems that that is exactly what is being projected, and therefore my unexpected and unprecedented 'target' group have become the 'much younger men'.....
This is not something that I aim at, but for some reason it seems to happen every time, and it has me wondering whether it has to do with my inability to decide what I want in a relationship, or just plain coincidence..
These younger guys are enjoying their life, their spirits are so full of positivity and they have many plans and ambitions and still have a sense of old fashioned romance, that older men seem to lack. For the latter, any fuss seems too much of a hassle and so they decide enough is enough and they move on to the next available woman, this probably explains why younger women get picked generally, as they have less 'complications' in life.
Not feeling too sure about my own thoughts on the great age gap, yet curious to explore, I realize this may be dangerous territory for everyone involved. Always worrying about what people may say or think, and what judgements might be made. Speculations and or opinions of others seem to affect me too much, even though it's my life to live, and my call to make. Having been pointed out this exact issue by a much younger person in my life, it finally truly hit home for me. We live in a society where no one would have commented if I were to go out with an older man, but when the age difference is the other way around, it's 'not done'. Men get away with it, women don't, unless you happen to be Demi ;-)
So it leaves me wondering where I stand in this all. Do we choose a person or love according to age ?! Or is it just a number indicating how long we've been around?! And who gets to decide which number fits and which one doesn't ?! I'm sure it's not as simple as it all may seem, as Prince Charming may come riding by in many attires. Some of which we may have thought were exactly what we wanted, yet in the end were nowhere near what we needed, or wished for. It makes me think of Shrek, a modern time fairytale mocking the looks, size and age of Mr. Perfect, love knows no settings, only those that trigger your deepest emotions and they somehow remain unexplainable. And so it should be.
The criticisms of the world, of which I once too did partake, now seem so out of place and dated. Does that mean I no longer have morals and values, or is it just a different view on life?! Who is to tell ....
What I have noticed is that looking into that direction and option, brings turbulence to life. Uprooting all sorts of beliefs and values seems to be part of this rollercoaster ride we're all on, and in turn it hurts those that cannot and will not budge. I am sorry for that, yet will not quit the ride for it.
Finding myself being challenged by these new and exciting aspects of life, I can't help but to wonder why it is only now that I am confronted with things that others did and learnt at much earlier stages of their lives. This proving to me, once again, that age is but a number, as experience comes when it comes. It is an awkward time in my life to still be doing this trial and error excercise. Once again another new road has opened up and it's time to take a walk, wander and take in.
For if you don't take a plunge into the deep end once in a while, you may not find what it is you're looking for. No pain, no gain, seems an appropriate slogan to go with. So try before you die and remember that most of all, it is your own self that needs to feel happy and alive, when that happens, your joy will hopefully be contagious enough to help settle the dust that you caused to arise !!!