Driving through town the other morning I had an epiphany about something quite crucial. It hit me, just like that, between the grocery shop and the bakery... I am no longer capable of having a relationship. I guess I have been pivoting around this point for a long time now...but just like that, it became apparent that I cannot give my heart completely. Worse even...I no longer want to give my heart to someone. It is safe and very well protected right where it is. Even so, I'm convinced that I still think, speak and feel with it, my emotional state has not been struck by this disfunction, so whatever happened, I just no longer have the desire to hand my heart over, to share it, or to take another's heart into mine.
I can no longer imagine what it is like to have the undying desire to see one particular person every single day, to have the need to be with him as often as possible.... These all seem distant and far away yearnings that I have forgotten how to have and wonder why we even have them at all. I even tend to compare relationships to how people watch tv, 'always hoping to find a better program on the other channel' and thus I assume that I will not be an item of lengthy or long interest, for the next available girl is just around the corner, also waiting to be swept away, and as easily accessible as that next channel.
No offense to those in relationships, but how the heck, do you keep the spark alive ?! I can't begin to remember what it all entails and how I managed it for so long. At the time I think I never realised how long it was lasting and everyday must have felt like a new beginning. Now it just doesn't seem to feel right anymore. I have become accustomed to my newfound freedom and don't think it would be easy to adjust and cope with someone else's likes and dislikes.
I like being the queen of my castle, and will not abide by any king again.
I have the deepest respect for those that are still producing that magic potion called love and managing to make it last for years and years. My 'awakening' has shocked it out of me...who knows maybe only temporarily....
It must sound incredibly selfish and maybe even a little egocentric, but my life now revolves around me and my wishes, taking into consideration only, that I have 3 children who also require some much needed 'parking' space on these castle grounds !!
It has been a great challenge to even get to this point...never did the thought cross my mind that I may one day feel completely happy as a single girl. That life would be fun, and so freedom-filled and that the thought of being with someone would worry me instead of thrill me.......