I am finding out and being told, but mostly realising that it is ME and only ME who makes my life such a hard chore to live. Why is it that the first thing friends tell me when I come to them with what I see as a huge dilemma the comment that instantly arises is 'why are you making this so hard on yourself ?'. I must admit that is exactly what I do, I take a simple thing and over complicate it, there are so many factors that lead to that, but in the end, yes, I analyse until I over complicate, which leaves me with, let's say a complex ball of yarned thoughts and emotions that need to be untwisted but I'll have no idea how it got to that way or how to begin untwisting it...
So why do I keep getting stuck between a rock and a hard place? I guess it's all in the mind, it races away with all my emotions at a speed of a thousand miles an hour, only to lose track of the obvious. By the time I stop, totally exhausted and feeling bruised and prodded from all sides, my sight is blurred and the obvious is only a vague and tiny dot in the horizon. Too far to help me out in any way, and so the long journey back begins, finding my way through the cascade of thoughts and all that I think other people might feel, think, say or think once again..exhausting really, and to be perfectly honest, totally useless, and all driven by a high speed train of fear.
Seems so 'obvious' doesn't it, when I explain it this way...but once I'm on that fast track of self destruction and complications, there's just no breaks and my sight is impaired by the faster than fast speeds. So where and how can I change this ?! How does a person change a habit that sits so stuck within, like a grown in toe-nail. Does a specialist need to come in to decompress it for me, or can I just tinker and potter at myself and just lick my wounds when I'm done ?!
What do the sane and smart people do, do they even exist ? It seems once again I'm not really getting the point, as I find myself in the same situation time after time. Or is it just little bits that we learn as we go along, to hopefully, eventually get it and see the big picture ?! Because right now, from where I'm standing...it's still a blurr...
I find myself feeling like a complete and utter fool, because after months and months of doubt and inner struggle, I tumbled upon my true feelings only to find I was too late. Too late for what could have been a wonderful chapter in my life... it's getting to sound a bit like the 'story of my life' now...but because I don't want to wallow in self pity (again), I need to find a way to change this thing I do....overcomplicating things till I suck the life out of them.
So once again, I will humbly retreat into my heart chambers and prepare myself for whatever comes next...
Saturday 23 April 2011
Wednesday 13 April 2011
Life's Purest of Lessons
I believe that in the past five years, some sort of awakening has occurred in me, as if a veil has lifted, a road has cleared, or a piece of the puzzle has fallen into place. Where once I dreamed in clouds of make belief reality, I am now awake to blue and open skies, that can also turn to shades of grey. For so long, I led a life of self inflicted numbness, only to awaken to a real and tangible life.
I remember all the tears that flowed, the bouts of panic that struck every single night as the lights faded and darkness set in. I felt complete and utter distress, fear, anger, loneliness, jealousy, happiness, thankfulness, and all of them bound together producing tears of pain and regret for all that could have been, or maybe all that should have been. Or so I thought.
It is now a while back since my then-husband announced that he had fallen out of love with me, and in love with someone else; a gorgeous 23 year old, tall, skinny and bursting with enthusiasm for life. I, on the other hand had turned into a thirty something nagging wife and mother, obsessed with the nitty gritty things in life, because I so believed that life was all about rules and regulations, the facts and figures, and all the 'should-be's' ....forgetting about actual enjoyment, spontaneity and jest. I was more willing to live an unhappy life with him, than believing I may stand a chance at a happy life without him.
It was as if I had only certain 'fixed moments' of 'forced' pleasures; time together or dinners with friends were supposed to be good and happy occasions and therefore I forced and expected myself to enjoy them, but to be honest I never savoured them, either on my plate or that what life was offering me in so many other ways, I had simply forgotten. Forgotten how...and mainly why it was important to do so.
And when you live like that, the price you end up paying is sky high. You find you lose yourself, everything about you, and sometimes (like in my case) even those that love you.. That's exactly what I let happen. I let 'me' disappear into thin air. I became see through, without any substance of character; lost in the ruins of me. Until the shock of abandonment jolted me out.
It is taking forever to put back the pieces of my puzzle ...recovering all that was lost, and trying to undo the silly revival mistakes I made; but like a vase that breaks, some pieces are irreplaceable and you find you have to look for new parts to rebuild. This process is not an easy one, and one I would not like to go through again, yet I am extremely thankful it happened and confident I will flourish.
The strange thing is, no matter how hard you try to succeed at this, there is always room for improvement. We never reach perfection, all we must aim for is inner peace and I have to admit, I just can't seem to find it so often. The head keeps over thinking, the heart wants to be loved, but dares not, and this cycle is one I cannot stop or escape from.
What I have realised is that all was not in vein.... I really believe that we have been put here with a certain plan, we choose the lessons we want to learn and the people or souls to learn it from, each of us with a certain task to accomplish. Some of us braver than others because we have to play the 'bad guy' in order for others to learn. If my marriage had not ended the way it did, I would not have taken responsibility for my own life, a difficult task, when you've leaned on someone for so very long and expected them to carry you. So however weird it may seem, I'm grateful for the difficult choice my then-husband made, as I'm sure the pain involved was plenty on his side too, and even though it looked like he was home-free from the outside, it must have taken all the courage he had left on the inside. I'm not sure he will ever know the true impact it had on me, as he gave me a very valuable gift, the quest to find myself, while he left the stage.
It is only now after 5 years that I find myself looking for my own purpose and significance, to others, to friends, family, my children, but especially to myself.
Thank you, for the purest of lessons.... 'the meaning of me'.
I remember all the tears that flowed, the bouts of panic that struck every single night as the lights faded and darkness set in. I felt complete and utter distress, fear, anger, loneliness, jealousy, happiness, thankfulness, and all of them bound together producing tears of pain and regret for all that could have been, or maybe all that should have been. Or so I thought.
It is now a while back since my then-husband announced that he had fallen out of love with me, and in love with someone else; a gorgeous 23 year old, tall, skinny and bursting with enthusiasm for life. I, on the other hand had turned into a thirty something nagging wife and mother, obsessed with the nitty gritty things in life, because I so believed that life was all about rules and regulations, the facts and figures, and all the 'should-be's' ....forgetting about actual enjoyment, spontaneity and jest. I was more willing to live an unhappy life with him, than believing I may stand a chance at a happy life without him.
It was as if I had only certain 'fixed moments' of 'forced' pleasures; time together or dinners with friends were supposed to be good and happy occasions and therefore I forced and expected myself to enjoy them, but to be honest I never savoured them, either on my plate or that what life was offering me in so many other ways, I had simply forgotten. Forgotten how...and mainly why it was important to do so.
And when you live like that, the price you end up paying is sky high. You find you lose yourself, everything about you, and sometimes (like in my case) even those that love you.. That's exactly what I let happen. I let 'me' disappear into thin air. I became see through, without any substance of character; lost in the ruins of me. Until the shock of abandonment jolted me out.
It is taking forever to put back the pieces of my puzzle ...recovering all that was lost, and trying to undo the silly revival mistakes I made; but like a vase that breaks, some pieces are irreplaceable and you find you have to look for new parts to rebuild. This process is not an easy one, and one I would not like to go through again, yet I am extremely thankful it happened and confident I will flourish.
The strange thing is, no matter how hard you try to succeed at this, there is always room for improvement. We never reach perfection, all we must aim for is inner peace and I have to admit, I just can't seem to find it so often. The head keeps over thinking, the heart wants to be loved, but dares not, and this cycle is one I cannot stop or escape from.
What I have realised is that all was not in vein.... I really believe that we have been put here with a certain plan, we choose the lessons we want to learn and the people or souls to learn it from, each of us with a certain task to accomplish. Some of us braver than others because we have to play the 'bad guy' in order for others to learn. If my marriage had not ended the way it did, I would not have taken responsibility for my own life, a difficult task, when you've leaned on someone for so very long and expected them to carry you. So however weird it may seem, I'm grateful for the difficult choice my then-husband made, as I'm sure the pain involved was plenty on his side too, and even though it looked like he was home-free from the outside, it must have taken all the courage he had left on the inside. I'm not sure he will ever know the true impact it had on me, as he gave me a very valuable gift, the quest to find myself, while he left the stage.
It is only now after 5 years that I find myself looking for my own purpose and significance, to others, to friends, family, my children, but especially to myself.
Thank you, for the purest of lessons.... 'the meaning of me'.
Friday 1 April 2011
A year ago I joined the Facebook community. I had been there years before, but deactivated my account as I found it too confrontational and painful. It was there that I first saw my ex glancing at his new girlfriend with melty love stricken eyes, partying on (profile) pictures, whilst I was home with 3 kids. Not a good thing when you're still heartbroken and trying to heal. So after several bolts of self inflicted pain, I deleted my profile and swore it was not my thing. (Please don't worry as I am no longer affected by such scenes or pictures, somehow you become immune at some point.)
Admittedly my curious nature brought me back a few years later and in February 2010, I thought, 'If you can't beat them, join them', and so I did. I spent hours, days even, trying to figure everything out, wanting to know all the in's and outs to be well informed about privacy issues this time. Made my profile page, added friends, and pictures and within a few weeks I had settled comfortably into what has now become my second 'home'.
It's the ideal spot to dwell if you don't want to feel lonely, as there's always someone around to chat or comment on. It's like this hot spot where everyone checks in, to browse around and can audaciously be nosy. It absolutely suits my personality. I've become extremely fanatic about posting, love to share music, sentiments, blogs and other stuff, much to some people's dismay I'm sure, but facebook has a built in button for that too, as it's a piece of cake to remove friends or friends' posts, just press 'unfriend' or 'hide posts' and you're instantly liberated from 'spammers' like myself.
I haven't ventured into the world of facebook games yet I must admit, as that may stop me from having a life outside of facebook altogether. Plenty of time left to explore those horizons in the future.
For now I've made myself a comfortable dwelling with a fanpage to promote my blogs and notify my readers of the latest Living la Vida Loca updates. I've made loads of old, new and even 'unknown' friends, and the strange thing is that even though this all takes place in cyberspace, people let you in deeper than they would ever do in real life...I love that, thrive on it and feel inspired by each and every one's posts, pictures, stories and comments. It's like having an extended family...always there, to support and encourage.
Having said all that, I can also imagine it being tough on the insecure souls, as comments can easily be misread and things have a way of leading their own life. Relationship statuses change like the weather and posted (profile) pictures give the impression everyone else is always happy. When my eldest decided it was also time for her to join facebook, I must admit I hesitated. Afraid of how she would cope with the stress of it all, but so far so good.
So now after numerous chats filled with emoticons to accentuate the tone of conversation, I have to admit that I enjoy the company of other cybersouls.
Today, April fool's provided the perfect opportunity for a good practical joke and so I posted some great news about my blog being published by a well known magazine, on my status. Only to find that so many friends were genuinely happy for me that it made me feel a bit guilty and kind of like I was letting them down by kidding about it, and so I was drawn to my online writing pad, to once again provide them with a blog to sink into, whilst I drown myself in thought.
Admittedly my curious nature brought me back a few years later and in February 2010, I thought, 'If you can't beat them, join them', and so I did. I spent hours, days even, trying to figure everything out, wanting to know all the in's and outs to be well informed about privacy issues this time. Made my profile page, added friends, and pictures and within a few weeks I had settled comfortably into what has now become my second 'home'.
It's the ideal spot to dwell if you don't want to feel lonely, as there's always someone around to chat or comment on. It's like this hot spot where everyone checks in, to browse around and can audaciously be nosy. It absolutely suits my personality. I've become extremely fanatic about posting, love to share music, sentiments, blogs and other stuff, much to some people's dismay I'm sure, but facebook has a built in button for that too, as it's a piece of cake to remove friends or friends' posts, just press 'unfriend' or 'hide posts' and you're instantly liberated from 'spammers' like myself.
I haven't ventured into the world of facebook games yet I must admit, as that may stop me from having a life outside of facebook altogether. Plenty of time left to explore those horizons in the future.
For now I've made myself a comfortable dwelling with a fanpage to promote my blogs and notify my readers of the latest Living la Vida Loca updates. I've made loads of old, new and even 'unknown' friends, and the strange thing is that even though this all takes place in cyberspace, people let you in deeper than they would ever do in real life...I love that, thrive on it and feel inspired by each and every one's posts, pictures, stories and comments. It's like having an extended family...always there, to support and encourage.
Having said all that, I can also imagine it being tough on the insecure souls, as comments can easily be misread and things have a way of leading their own life. Relationship statuses change like the weather and posted (profile) pictures give the impression everyone else is always happy. When my eldest decided it was also time for her to join facebook, I must admit I hesitated. Afraid of how she would cope with the stress of it all, but so far so good.
So now after numerous chats filled with emoticons to accentuate the tone of conversation, I have to admit that I enjoy the company of other cybersouls.
Today, April fool's provided the perfect opportunity for a good practical joke and so I posted some great news about my blog being published by a well known magazine, on my status. Only to find that so many friends were genuinely happy for me that it made me feel a bit guilty and kind of like I was letting them down by kidding about it, and so I was drawn to my online writing pad, to once again provide them with a blog to sink into, whilst I drown myself in thought.
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