I am finding out and being told, but mostly realising that it is ME and only ME who makes my life such a hard chore to live. Why is it that the first thing friends tell me when I come to them with what I see as a huge dilemma the comment that instantly arises is 'why are you making this so hard on yourself ?'. I must admit that is exactly what I do, I take a simple thing and over complicate it, there are so many factors that lead to that, but in the end, yes, I analyse until I over complicate, which leaves me with, let's say a complex ball of yarned thoughts and emotions that need to be untwisted but I'll have no idea how it got to that way or how to begin untwisting it...
So why do I keep getting stuck between a rock and a hard place? I guess it's all in the mind, it races away with all my emotions at a speed of a thousand miles an hour, only to lose track of the obvious. By the time I stop, totally exhausted and feeling bruised and prodded from all sides, my sight is blurred and the obvious is only a vague and tiny dot in the horizon. Too far to help me out in any way, and so the long journey back begins, finding my way through the cascade of thoughts and all that I think other people might feel, think, say or think once again..exhausting really, and to be perfectly honest, totally useless, and all driven by a high speed train of fear.
Seems so 'obvious' doesn't it, when I explain it this way...but once I'm on that fast track of self destruction and complications, there's just no breaks and my sight is impaired by the faster than fast speeds. So where and how can I change this ?! How does a person change a habit that sits so stuck within, like a grown in toe-nail. Does a specialist need to come in to decompress it for me, or can I just tinker and potter at myself and just lick my wounds when I'm done ?!
What do the sane and smart people do, do they even exist ? It seems once again I'm not really getting the point, as I find myself in the same situation time after time. Or is it just little bits that we learn as we go along, to hopefully, eventually get it and see the big picture ?! Because right now, from where I'm standing...it's still a blurr...
I find myself feeling like a complete and utter fool, because after months and months of doubt and inner struggle, I tumbled upon my true feelings only to find I was too late. Too late for what could have been a wonderful chapter in my life... it's getting to sound a bit like the 'story of my life' now...but because I don't want to wallow in self pity (again), I need to find a way to change this thing I do....overcomplicating things till I suck the life out of them.
So once again, I will humbly retreat into my heart chambers and prepare myself for whatever comes next...
A first step dear Michelle, is to accept the way you are and be comfortable and grateful for that. It's not you who determines which chapters work in your life and which ones don't - the universe and the forces in it send us down one path or the other. There is a reason for this I believe, even if most of the times we don't see it.
ReplyDeleteHave faith dear Michelle, stop beating yourself up and be proud that you are such a thinker. Love yourself for worrying and fretting and overthinking. It makes you who you are and that makes it beautiful.
Of course life is easier if you let go and relax but that's something you obviously don't want or can't do and that is also perfectly OK!
Hope I make some sense, thanks for sharing your wonderful, honest and true emotions. That requires a lot of strength!
Big kiss, Claire