Just too little Love

The world around us feels harsher and colder than ever. I don't remember knowing any divorced couples when I was around my children's age.... they, on the other hand, face the daily reality of nearly 1 in 2 broken homes.

Why is that? What is going on with us? Why is there so much anger and worldwide dissatisfaction?

Here's my take on it: 

There’s just too little love going 'round

We want love, we expect love, and we yearn for love, yet we are not prepared to give love unless we receive love first.

Pretty petty, very silly and so unlike what love's about.

The truth is, if we'd all love a little more abundantly, then so many of us would feel its instant reach. It would encourage more patience and understanding. It would make the world we live in a softer, safer and much warmer place...surely! 

The thing is, with love... even if it's just a simple act of friendship, one lovely thing leads to another, and with this a chain reaction is brought on, an opposite chain reaction to the one so many of us seem to be stuck in nowadays!

We put too much value into things that will never bring us happiness. It's like stuffing ourselves with junk food, a cheap and instant solution to hunger pangs, yet always leaving us dissatisfied. Thus polluting our being. We need to stick to wholesome nourishment of body and soul to stop the cravings that cause our constant disgruntlement.

Too many of us find fault in what others do or do not do, but do we ever think to look at ourselves before lashing out our opinions at others? We're so used to living in this fast and (throwaway) consumer society, that once our need for something or someone is over, we move on, regardless of the consequences. In fact, the consequences no longer even seem to matter in the great scheme of things, EXCEPT that.... THAT is the exact reason so many of us are no longer able to give a little love, because we think it doesn't matter. Pain and hurt often destroy the good intentions of an otherwise thrivingly loving heart. People struggle to trust again, and fight inner battles to recover from their loss of self (worth). I see it happening around me, and fear that what is left of the kindhearted spirits is rapidly being absorbed by 'Pac-Man-like' society destructive ideals, such as greed, ego, pain, anger, jealousy and revenge. Once gobbled up, there's no telling whether you'll ever make it out, let alone be able to show kindness or love again.

So I think it's time to quit the selfish 'me', 'me', 'me' mode we seem to have programmed ourselves into and start thinking about 'how we can each contribute a little love into this world'. 

Dare to smile at a stranger to wish them a good day, let a pedestrian cross the road although you may be in a hurry, help a friend out even though you're busy, give someone a cuddle just because you know how great it feels to get one, or end a family feud as life is far too short for anger and watch the magic happen....

cause, love is, free yet fundamental and thrives on simple acts of kindness... it will naturally flourish and sow its seeds if you let it.

Life of Riches...(Het Leven in het Reservaat)

Have you ever noticed that some people feel so superior to others that no matter who they meet, (unless you're loaded and of 'capital-interest' of course) they instantly forget who you are?! I seem to bump into quite a few of these men (mainly). A while back whilst invited to attend THE party of the year in this glorified circus we live in, I was seated next to a man that I had met on many other occasions. As everyone was looking for their seats amongst the four lengthy and beautifully decorated table rows, he pulled up right next to me, turned towards me and introduced himself - for the 13th time!!

To be quite frank, I don't change much, hardly yo-yo weight wise and have an easy face to remember. So having to introduce myself for the so-many'eth-time, kind of pissed me off. And so, I said, in my most polite 'gritting-my-teeth-but-aiming-to-be-friendly-voice' possible, "we've met before, haven't we?' He gave me his well rehearsed painfully apologetic smile and arrogantly replied, "oh yes, now I see" (Excuse me, but were your eyes closed when we shook hands ??? All those 13 times ???). 

What is it with this type of arrogance? Does he really think that the vagina he came out of was better than the one I came out of ? Was he breastfed and therefore better milked than the rest of us? Or did his family buy their food at specialist 'well-bre(a)d' supermarkets? 

Anyway, after that short and awful intro, he sat down, and of course....turned his back to me during the entire dinner. 

What a blessing !!! His rudeness turned out to be his most honourable deed of the night.

It makes you think though....why do people consider themselves to be better than others, is 'betterness' determined by intelligence or money? Does a big brain or wallet guarantee a wealthier spirit? Of course NOT, we all know that, yet why do some insist that they are and always will be superior to others?

When we reach the end of our time here, we all die, no one is exempted from that. We all stop breathing, all our hearts stop and we all end up either incinerated, buried, or scattered over fields or ponds. But guess what....it's after that....after death that the crucial truth arises....it's in how you are remembered, in what you leave in people's hearts, and how much love you left behind. That is what you truly were, and in which greatness you may one day be remembered.

So, if you're one of those arrogant pricks that thinks the world revolves around you, take a look in the mirror every morning please and see who's staring back at you, for one day you might not even recognise yourself and won't even know who you've turned into. Those that once meant something, will easily forget you, because what you thought was so important, will only leave behind and empty 'air' of space.

'The Paradox of Life' - Quote

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but

shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,

but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and

smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees

but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more

problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,

drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too

little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our

possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and

hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to

life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but

have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer

space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air,

but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold

more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less

and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small

character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of

two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one

night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer,

to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the

stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time

when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going

to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to

you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your

side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only

treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember,

to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all

mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep

inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday

that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak

and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind."

Forty

One of my all time favourite movies has a magnificent quote :

" I think your heart grows back bigger, you know? Once you get the shit beat out of you. And uhm, the universe lets your heart expand that way, and I think that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place, and that's how I see it anyway"
(Must Love Dogs)

I have loved this quote from the very first time I heard it. But today, it finally made perfect sense to me !

My very best friends decided to organise a 'surprise' - 40th - birthday party for me. Inviting some of my closest friends only, because;...they jokingly complained,
'I apparently have too many friends....'

To be honest I felt desperation and guilt but something clicked into place whilst I cried tears of overwhelming self issues over this and gratefulness took over.

All this time, I thought that life was about that ONE love, that very special person that is supposed to come into our lives and sweep us off our feet. The knight in shining armour. The one that makes it all worthwhile. The true love of your life. How wrong I was...how terribly wrong I was....

You see, I had not wanted to celebrate this upcoming birthday. Because, well;
I felt sad and ashamed that at 40 I have not yet achieved that much in my life;
I felt single and a failure for it;
I felt shame towards my children who have seen me cry on numerous occasions out of utter desperation and struggling with my life's challenges;
I felt a great need for independence since nothing I have is actually mine;
I felt my best was never quite good enough;
I felt stupid and guilty for feeling all of the above in the first place;...and last but not least just because forty sounds so damned old and grey hairs and wrinkles are invading what used to be 'me'...!!

How ungrateful and wrong I was !!!

Life is not about a summary of what you feel you haven't done or feeling sorry for yourself and it's also not about ONE love at all. It is about all the things you did from the heart and about GREAT love, it has nothing to do with superficial achievements, money or status.

Great love is when your heart fills with joy because you realise that you have kids that you are utterly proud of, because they are turning into fantastic, compassionate and good human beings.
Great love is when you can be there for someone exactly at the right moment.
Great love is when you've had someone to lean on time after time, without fault.
Great love is knowing that those you care about so much care just as much about you.
And among all the many many other Great loves is;
the Great love of your friends when they team up together  and even though you yourself don't feel you deserve it, they still find you worthy of a surprise 40th birthday bash !!

Today I was reminded of this, life isn't always rosy, and we all have our shit to deal with - to each their own. But it is as great as we make it within us. It is all as good as we accept it to be.

And so, to go back to the wonderful quote, I think that my heart has grown back - bigger, and bigger each and every time after every ache and pain. And I am now in a much better place !

It's time to enjoy the moments and share some of the love that has been put in there by all these great loves, so that this fantastic heart warming friendship is passed along to others.

I guess forty means 'over the hill' in the sense that the climb may be over and it's now time to slowly stroll down hill whilst enjoying the magnificent views of this 'better place' that holds a wonderful inner sense of serenity.

BUT if it's not, then it's time to just roll off that hill and enjoy the ride, for God's sake!!

How lucky I am to have reached forty with such Great loves !! THANK YOU X

Post 2012

The end of a year always encourages us to look back and reflect on all that happened over the past twelve months.

For me, this year was extremely intense. I don't think I have ever FELT as much as I have felt this year!! 

I felt heartache, that should have killed me; I felt shame and anger towards myself that should have made me dissolve into nothingness; I felt the great loss of a few dear friends that passed away whom I hope are now Angels watching over us;  I felt the joy of realising that all I need to be happy, is right here, within me; I realised that no matter how much I wanted to conform with what others expected of me, it did not make me happier and I finally understood that if you build huge walls around yourself, and don't let go of the fear of getting hurt again, love will never stand a chance, 

This last realisation opened up Pandora's box and so my heart loves again, regardless of it being loved back. 

This was, without a doubt, my growth year, the year that has kick started who I am meant to be, and who I want to become, the year that clarifies all others and has made perfect sense of what was just a blurr...

I am no longer unsettled and restless, beaten and hurt. I have found my serenity and no longer blame myself or others for the pain and anger I have felt. 

It's a sense of blissful gladness, that now helps me to appreciate and love my life as it is. 

Once you realise all that, small miracles begin to happen and instead of hoping for more you find joy in all the little unexpected gifts life offers. 

I therefore look forward to this new year, because even though it makes me a little melancholic to say goodbye to this one, I know I will enter into the next one with all the new knowledge, feelings and tools I have been lucky enough to find along the way.

I do not enter it without expectations however, I enter this new year expecting ANYTHING is possible!!! 

My biggest wish for 2013 is that each and everyone of you may experience  this feeling, so you may sail happily and smoothly, through the rough and tough parts of life. 

"Live to love, and love to live" - because the time we have here is preciously short and there is no better way to spend it, but by absorbing every single moment we are granted. 

Wishing you a fascinating 2013!! 

May it bring to you your own epiphany...and the faith to trust your heart.

The Spirit of Love

I am probably the LAST person who should give relationship advice, so I won't, but inspired by a column I recently read and a few friends who seem to be struggling to rekindle the 'flame of love', I feel it may be time to share a few of my thoughts on this.

Being single, makes me over-romanticise relationships apparently....I tend to forget the ins & outs and ups & downs of married life, I fantasise that being with a partner is all romance and bliss.
As it turns out, it's not...most of the time.

The other day a friend of mine told me about her husband who goes to bed early every single night except when he's out with 'the boys', hasn't kissed her properly in over a year, and sexually only makes time for a 'quicky' now and again. It sounded terrible until another friend told me that she too had hardly any physical contact with her partner after being together for about 5 years now. She watches TV upstairs while her husband watches it downstairs, he farts and burps whenever the need arises and she sometimes doesn't do his laundry to punish him when they argue. Once I started asking around, it seemed everyone had some things they wished they could change to improve communication and love within their relationship, but felt alone in this as trying to tell their partners about it frequently backfired or turned into a minor (tug-of) war. I could not believe my ears.. why is it that two people who start off ecstatic about each other, come to a point of near neglect? What happens that makes us forget or take the other for granted ? And why do some couples manage to keep the magic, whilst others don't?

I know it may sound very simplistic, but standing on the outside, looking in, I sometimes wish people would see how minor details can make huge changes. We keep on placing expectations on the other person, as to what the other should/could do to make our life (together) better. We get irritated by what we expect the other person to do or say, even though we don't give them a single clue as to what would actually help.

A relationship is not the 'be all and end all' in life of course, and some are just not meant to last. However, I must admit (even though I am a 'happy single') that sharing your life with someone is unique. Sharing feelings of affection and mutual respect as well as certain passions, children, goals and aspirations can make for a wonderful relationship.

This is what I think....stop expecting!! Say what you want, what you wish and what makes you happy. Keep it realistic and realise at the same time that you are not alone in the relationship, the other person has needs and feelings too. I think that starting off with small acts of kindness; a smile, a friendly touch or even a cuddle again, could slowly open up the way back into your partners heart. The love is there surely you've just lost touch of it.
I know men and women think and act differently, and sometimes best intentions get lost in translation, but try to remember those very first moments when you fell in love and wished you could spend each and every moment of each and every day together....if you can find a fraction of that feeling back again, it will help you see your partner with more loving eyes. (This goes for both partners by the way, no use one person getting all 'lovey dovey' whilst the other sits next to you remaining an 'old fart'!! - Having said that, I think change may even be possible when only one person kicks off the new mojo, as the other will surely follow).

It's not about expecting.
It's about giving....and once you start giving, for some magical reason you receive in return.

So now that Christmas is coming up, a stressy, but lovely time of year, where family, friends and especially love come first. Make an effort !! ...Convince yourself you're once again blissfully in love with your spouse and feel the warmth it may create within you. The power of the mind is huge and the heart is a very eager companion.Wrap a lotta-love around your partner, kiss beneath the mistletoe again and hold hands whilst you take an evening stroll in the snow.... remember...love grows when you let it unfold.
 

Merry Christmas !

Divorcée

Today is D-day...

Funny, I never really pictured myself as a divorcée...I was one of those girls who grew up thinking that getting married was something you only do once in your life. You find the person you love most, marry them, say your vows and stick together, no matter what.
I thought.

As it happens life has turned out a little different...and now, after being separated for 7 years, I'm officially divorced, free to do my own thing, start over, do whatever non-married people my age do....whatever that may be!!

For the moment I intend to devote myself mostly to parenting the kids, who I'm happy to say, are often home with me to keep me safe and sane. They don't realise it yet and maybe they never really will, but they saved me from losing myself; they cushioned my heartache with cuddles and kisses, helped me grow by shedding their tears, and made me strong by showing me their own courage when thrown in a situation they could do nothing about, just accept.

I know now where things went 'wrong', and how out of balance my life and I had become. At the time I would not have agreed, but sometimes marriage should not last until the bitter end.

Even though, I often felt 'robbed' of my life's dreams and aspirations, when we first separated, I now know that I have just been dealt different cards. That my old life erupted only to provide me with valuable new experiences and most importantly an open heart!
It took me quite a while, many mistakes and hurting loved ones in the process, to get me where I am today. Not perfect, but I accept who I am, what I can, and how I cope. None of this is easy. For anyone. In any situation really.... But I'm happy to say that what you see is what you get. I let my heart rule nowadays, I do what I love and I love what I do. No more battles between heart and mind, because I've realised there is no other (real) option than to follow your heart. This, I now believe, is the only way to avoid regrets in life and love.

I have no idea as to how life will unfold, and if I'll be lucky enough to love and be loved again someday....
A daunting thought sometimes, but then I remember that I am not alone, that I'm surrounded by so many people who care!! The kids, family and friends have filled my heart with so much of their love and warmth, that I can feel it overflowing. There's plenty to go around and so I can only hope that what goes around comes around and back again....so it may touch others as it touched me.

And so, a word of thanks....
Thank you to the 'Ex' for cutting me loose yet remaining my buddy and loyal co-parent through it all.
Thank you Life for the 'has beens', thanks for the 'have becomes' and looking forward to the what 'may be's' .... !!!