Divorcée

Today is D-day...

Funny, I never really pictured myself as a divorcée...I was one of those girls who grew up thinking that getting married was something you only do once in your life. You find the person you love most, marry them, say your vows and stick together, no matter what.
I thought.

As it happens life has turned out a little different...and now, after being separated for 7 years, I'm officially divorced, free to do my own thing, start over, do whatever non-married people my age do....whatever that may be!!

For the moment I intend to devote myself mostly to parenting the kids, who I'm happy to say, are often home with me to keep me safe and sane. They don't realise it yet and maybe they never really will, but they saved me from losing myself; they cushioned my heartache with cuddles and kisses, helped me grow by shedding their tears, and made me strong by showing me their own courage when thrown in a situation they could do nothing about, just accept.

I know now where things went 'wrong', and how out of balance my life and I had become. At the time I would not have agreed, but sometimes marriage should not last until the bitter end.

Even though, I often felt 'robbed' of my life's dreams and aspirations, when we first separated, I now know that I have just been dealt different cards. That my old life erupted only to provide me with valuable new experiences and most importantly an open heart!
It took me quite a while, many mistakes and hurting loved ones in the process, to get me where I am today. Not perfect, but I accept who I am, what I can, and how I cope. None of this is easy. For anyone. In any situation really.... But I'm happy to say that what you see is what you get. I let my heart rule nowadays, I do what I love and I love what I do. No more battles between heart and mind, because I've realised there is no other (real) option than to follow your heart. This, I now believe, is the only way to avoid regrets in life and love.

I have no idea as to how life will unfold, and if I'll be lucky enough to love and be loved again someday....
A daunting thought sometimes, but then I remember that I am not alone, that I'm surrounded by so many people who care!! The kids, family and friends have filled my heart with so much of their love and warmth, that I can feel it overflowing. There's plenty to go around and so I can only hope that what goes around comes around and back again....so it may touch others as it touched me.

And so, a word of thanks....
Thank you to the 'Ex' for cutting me loose yet remaining my buddy and loyal co-parent through it all.
Thank you Life for the 'has beens', thanks for the 'have becomes' and looking forward to the what 'may be's' .... !!!

Mr. Dick Head

We all know the type, or have met one at some time in our lives and they're usually not that hard to miss, as their gigantic ego's precede them. They love to talk about 'ME, MYSELF and I'...mostly bragging about the women they have conquered as if they are God's gift to us. Usually preying on the weak and vulnerable, as no strong woman in her right mind would even consider such a self-absorbed-excuse-of-a-man.

Not so long ago, I met the leader of the pack, I had encountered a few Mr. Dick Heads in the past, but none this sophisticated. This guy was a master at it. He knew exactly what to say to tickle your senses, and trigger your curiosity, only to find that within 5 minutes into a conversation, it was all about HIM. He managed to lure you into a false sense of comfort, by throwing in just enough sweet 'bates' and 'I'm such a good guy compared to the rest' anecdotes. I'm ashamed to admit it, but at first I fell for it... as if intoxicated by his deceiving good looks. I patiently listened to all his (bullshit) tales of rescued damsels in distress. Every female on earth seemed to fall at his feet and beg to be taken and of course, he complied. He was a terrific salesman, closed the deal with great suave, yet he was nowhere to be found once the deed was done.

Like a praying mantis grasping and devouring his prey yet escaping the fate of death by cautiously picking out the most fragile and defenceless creatures. Mr. Dick Head superior enjoyed the quick satisfaction, nothing long term or remotely complicated although he was convinced of his own spiritual depths.

It turned out, he was a 'Shallow Hal', his interests were only skin deep and short lived. I have no idea how a person actually survives on just the artificials, but they exist. After a few (failed) attempts at 'getting into my pants', so to speak, I ended up getting told how terribly fucked up I was, and that I needed to change BIG TIME if I wanted to function properly in this society.

(insert : WIDE OPEN MOUTH DROP)

Well....after the initial shock and slight feeling of uneasiness as I wondered for a second if he may actually be right, I concluded that : I am better than this, and he was probably just pissed off that I wouldn't budge into a horizontal state of fornication, well sod him. I may still be single and not very good at relationships, but I will not be verbally bullied into a 'use-me-and-dump-me' position pretending to call it 'society'.
I bet he now regrets having once praised my great writing skills......

If you screw around with this 'loca' ....you get nailed Mr. Dick Head.

Truth...

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” 

This sentence has been haunting in my mind lately.... Why is it that honesty is such a rare trait? How difficult can it be to just be straight about what you feel or what you think. Are we so out of touch with our own feelings and emotions that we cannot provide an honest answer or honest reaction to what we face in life?  Has life become so shallow that we only react within the perimeters of our own stereotype.. too afraid of what others might think, and how they may react? Afraid of judgement and exclusion or rejection? Afraid of hurting others? But mostly afraid of our own self? Of who we might actually be?
Yet prepared to suffer the consequences created by these dishonest misconceptions. Only to create an even bigger web of self torture.

We tend to think that by avoiding the truth we avoid pain, but the opposite is what we achieve. Hence, making the truth something doubtful, because if we can't face it in a negative situation, we sure as hell can't believe it in the positive sense. Leaving it nowhere to be found.

After having put up protective barriers the size of the Wall of China - to safeguard my heart from pain - I realised that all they did was keep people out and make my heart a lonesome place. So much so that even the ones that tried to conquer it, lost the battle and walked away defeated by exhaustion.... After that realisation, I decided that it was going to be all or nothing, what you see is what you get, no hidden agenda, no fear, no pretending to be something I'm not. Pure and simple, ME.

I never, for one second thought that that would be an even tougher road to take. Not everybody is ready for the unplugged version. Some people hover in the comfort of 'make-believe'....and maybe that is what I did too, for the longest time. Only to find that it doesn't work, it's a denial stage of what we truly feel and who we really are. We play hide and seek from our own truth by creating a 'secure' sense of being - pretending we're someone we're not.....under the cloak of - 'who's kidding who' or better yet 'I'm kidding me AND you'. We hide from personal pain and anguish in there, and tell ourselves it's just a coping mechanism to survive, and that all we need is time. 
But it's NOT. Time is essential yes...but time to hide from what we honestly feel is wasted time!! 

The best way to deal with what comes your way in life, whether it's good or bad, in my humble opinion is by honestly reacting to it. Reach within your soul and feel what YOU feel. Be real and truthful about this to yourself and others and you will find that it magically uncomplicates life. It will not protect you from any negative or positive emotion, but I assure you FEELING..... really FEELING any emotion makes you come alive !!! 

May we all dare to dive into our guts for honesty and realise that within it lies the key to self and mutual respect. 

So unplug yourself from expectations and let the truth set you free !! 

Love....

For centuries we have been fed love story upon love story. Literature has provided us with the most fascinating examples of true love, unrequited love, tragic love, lost love, eternal love, re-united love and so many more breathtaking tales of passionate true love.


But what is love? Really.... Does it exist in real life like it does in the great novels and romantic movies?
And if so.... Then how and when can we tell it's the REAL Mc Coy?


I have lately mainly seen love go...disappear...and exit the lives of many dear to me, including mine. Not necessarily due to the loss of it, but mainly by choice...However, does love ever 'choose' to leave? And if so..was it even real love ? Or just an illusion? ..Sometimes we confuse habit, our need for love or plain lust... for love...
Sometimes, as if teasing us....even love prematurely buds, blossoming shortly, only to return later on for the full bloom.

Once a sceptic....but now a born again 'hopeless romantic' of this day and age, I cannot and will not let myself believe that anything or anyone can stand in the way of love, of TRUE love. Hence it's tragic yet hopeful character. Love never dissipates, when two souls that are meant to be; 'cannot be'..love just nestles itself safely into one of our heart's chambers....patiently awaiting the power of destiny.

Destiny being the glue that binds true love.

So why DO so many of us hide from it? Pretend true love doesn't exist, or convince ourselves that love is not in the cards for us...that true love does not exist except in fairy tales? That "Happily Ever After" is just a script line, designed as a box office hit. What is it that terrifies so many of us about this heartwarming emotion? Yet we secretly all long for it, cherish the thought of it and hope to find it...to love and BE loved one day!


FEAR - fear of being nakedly vulnerable to a love unreciprocated....Human actions and emotions that may end up tearing up our lovestruck heart and grinding it to dust, leaving us broken and devastated as a result....

The simple truth, however, is...that the power of love is omnipotent... that there is no love without risk, there is no greatness without weakness, there is no glory without guts. In this life, there are few who dare to accept true love ...few brave enough to feel it, try it and to open up their hearts to all the possible pain and anguish this attempt may bring. But NOT trying is like NOT living...

It's ALL or NOTHING when it comes to love.

I like to think that love will find us no matter what, that destiny will work its charms to help us recognise it, and embrace it when it's staring us in the face.....That our fear of it is unfounded and unnecessary. ....That true love brings no harm but immense joy and warmth to those of us who actually DARE!! .....

 Love  then becomes unavoidable, unregretable and unforgettable....

You can run from love, pretend you don't see or feel it or even ignore its presence, believe me I've tried, but in the end there is no escaping it. Love will find YOU, every time.

So if it's not today, it may be tomorrow or the next day....but a love that is meant to be, will be....and :
 "unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love, it is a waste of time, there are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them." (*Dream for an Insomniac)

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The Life of Riches - My friends at the Trailer park

When you find yourself suffocating in the bling-bling bubble of riches, it's time for a breath of fresh air ! Luckily I'm one of those incredibly nosey and curious beings and so, I went to visit my friends at the trailer park. It's absolutely blissful there, a private beach surrounding a small lake, playing areas for the kids and most of all, nature, lots of nature !! (Of all sorts yes, even the people there go for the 'natural look' - which means a no nonsense approach to hairy armpits and make up). They GROW with the FLOW ;-). I love it, it helps me forget about all my 'insecurity' issues, being surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes,who don't give a shit, is innovating and well,.... 'refreshing' in a certain sense of the word.... !!

On my first visit, I met the wonderful 'Miss Sop' ....probably THE 'trailerpark-babe-on-heals' (Goodness knows how she manages parading around on those ;-) ). Her nickname derived from her attention craving pouts and smalltalk, and as you may have gathered her actual 'look'...Once a blond 'bombshell', now a forty something with grey roots and wrinkles. The way she flicks her hair is 'just right' and only meant for some.....or maybe even for just THE one...THE (only) eligible bachelor at the trailer park. To him I'd just like to say, "thank goodness you're only there for the summer"... I don't think you'd survive getting fully 'drenched' by Miss Sop !!

Another thing that struck me, and you may think me 'blond' for saying so, but....some people have NOT been blessed with very much grey matter IN the head department. And believe it or not, it does not have much to do with hair colour, like we tend to joke about...I guess it's more to do with 'breeding'. One guy, simply redefines the word 'dumbo'....I mean no offence, and I'm sure none will be (or is even possibly) taken on his behalf... He walks around dressed (yes, I guess it's a miracle he's dressed!)....in clothes that are at least 4 sizes too big for him, his head looks like an egg with black hair ..(and believe me the mental picture you just made, FITS!) he carries around his iPod (no, it's not a Walkman, I mean it IS 2012...even at the trailer park....duhhh). If he gets the chance he'll look for a seat nearby anyone really....to listen to whatever is playing through the earphones, whilst letting out deep and  melancholic sighs of...relief/pleasure? It may even be his way of 'orgasming' the sound of music !! Who can say.....!! All I can say is.....it's the most terrifying habit I have seen anyone have. It makes you wonder whether this guy is really mentally challenged or a pervert in disguise. I hope the first, even for him.

After spending the day gawking at these 'new' and fascinating bunch of people, I went home and realised the bling-bling bubble is not that different a place, (we too have Miss Sops, Mr. Creepies and the way we try to go against the natural flow of nature is so exceptionally frantic that it makes us look just as bizar, if not worse) except we DO have brain matter therefore we SHOULD know better than to behave the way we often do.....or maybe ignorance is (really) bliss.....at all levels.

Single Me

It has been nearly six months since I was in what I would like to call - a serious relationship, but one that in retrospect, I never took seriously enough until it was too late. The cliche is true : you don't know what you have, until it's gone.

So now what ?!
Do I really want another man in my life ?!
The 'exploring' each other again...
The 'explaining' my personal manual again ?!  (It's now officially thicker than the bible !!)
My whys and why not's, my fears and insecurities thrown out in the open - AGAIN ?!
I don't think so, not now and not for a long time to come I suspect.

It's like when I read a good book, I couldn't for the life of me get into the next one straight away, I need to let it sink in, process and settle. It needs time, time to find a place in the heart and mind.

A few years ago though, I didn't do that, I jumped from one 'book' into the next, if you know what I mean. Most weren't even 'books' or 'articles', but just enticing 'headings', that lead to nothing and left me empty. No fulfilment, no meaning, desperately craving for more as I was obviously not finding whatever I was looking for. It only dawned on me, after I spent one and a half years pegging away at a story that felt too good to be true, that what I wanted was staring me straight in the face, yet it took me forever to get into the storyline. Then, just when it all started making sense to me, I actually lost the plot, the ending began to unravel as I realised that I was in my own little fairytale, and prince charming had galloped by - tried his best....yet left disheartened... because I was too busy worrying about the pitfalls that could tear us apart. In the end, I had created them myself.  A wonderful story turned sour, by my own potion of troubled imagination and fear.

Don't take me wrong, I love men, I love the fact that they are so opposite to us women, the way they think differently and act so much more primal than we do. They worry less and live by the day. Making life seem less complicated ...easier.

I just don't think there is room for a man in my life, not now. It's time to sit down and literally write and re-write my own (story) book and see what new plot and which (new) characters will fill the pages !!