Stepford Syndrome

What is it with women that everything needs to be a competition?

Who is the prettiest?
Who is the thinnest?
Who is the smartest? 
Who has the best hair?
Who married the best husband?
Who has the greatest kids?
Who is the best mother?
Who is the best cook?
Who has the best life......

For Pete's sake ...anything and everything is compared, judged and reviewed !! Why? Why does one woman need to be the best in anything or everything? Why isn't it ok, that some are successful in certain areas, at certain times, whereas others are brilliant in other areas and other times....!!

I keep noticing this trend more and more, and fear it can only lead to disappointment and unhappiness. No one is perfect and that's more than FINE ...having to prove yourself to other women friends is an exhausting task. One that no one will be able to achieve. Save yourself the trouble please and just enjoy your own life and your own goals. No matter how other women might think you SHOULD be doing things, choose your own path as it is YOU and only YOU that needs to live, YOUR life !!!

Why is it that some women feel better when they put other women down and bitch about them? If I'm truly honest about this and do a soul search for answers, the only thing that comes to mind is:  

INSECURITY.

A nasty women's trait, is to hide one's own insecurity by focusing on another woman's insecurity !! Somehow it elevates you from your miserable self by deflecting on an even more miserable soul. We turn our diet starved bodies into hungry feeders on other women's misery and misfortune, which in turn leaves those poor souls drained of any energy and hit by disillusion. Slowly one will calculatedly suck the life out of the other...





I see this happening all the time, lately, women seem so unsatisfied with their own lives that it is becoming more and more acceptable to bully themselves into other women's lives in an effort to make some of those, often struggling, women more miserable than themselves.

I am far from perfect, realise it and have often stated it or admitted it. I too feel the pressure, due to many aspects in my life that do not coincide with 'the perfect picture', of the Stepford Syndrome.
Some days are tougher than others, some days are extremely good and happy ones. Being quite open about this to the 'outside world' makes me vulnerable in the 'criticism-department', obviously. When you make something public everyone will have an opinion and because of  a wonderful weapon called 'freedom of speech' I am often an easy 'target'. HOWEVER, please remember that behind the black and white text is an actual human being with feelings and insecurities too.

Which brings me back to the whole perfect woman (Stepford-Wife-Syndrome) issue that we keep dumping on each other....No need to be friends with every woman in your life, just be nice, polite, caring, or just mind your own business, and work on your own insecurities before you go around judging others on theirs. And so dear women friends, let's not be in competition but complement each other where needed !!!  Nobody is perfect and to be honest, I quite like it that way.

Waiting...

Faced with one of the most difficult tasks in my life due to who I am and how I function, (or not)...I find myself, waiting. Waiting for an answer, a sign, a hint, anything that will make this stomach-aching-clutchy feeling inside of me, settle and calm down.

Once again, I induced the pain and torture of this 'wait' on myself....by being careless with a precious gift called 'love'. One too many rejections, one too many moments of doubt and fear...and the frailty of love dissolved into what if's and never mind's ...

The pain and regret that directly strike you straight after you get hit by that reality are mind blowing and deeply heartfelt. 'Not again' dashes through your mind like a crazy man...accusing you of repeated behaviour and ditto mistakes. Blame and failure set out to win this fight. But who is right...if any of them?!

'If only's' find a way to haunt you down and make 'what if's' ..something of the past. No longer does that future look as bright and colourful as it did the split second before the damage was done. And so, after you hear yourself begging and pleading for the 'what might have been's' ....you realise that all that's left is waiting. Waiting for what the one you hurt decides your verdict is....:, to continue loving or let go,  that is the question. An extremity like hot and cold....two 'aquaintances' usually nowhere near to each other, yet so close and made of the same substance. The treacherous debate will now take place within a mind and heart outside your own.

You find yourself waiting in stages.

First denial, because you cannot believe the damage that was done by your carelessness and the amount of love you might have broken...then comes anger, at yourself for having failed and hurt the one person that always stood by you no matter what. This gets followed by pathetic bargaining, a million promises made to solve every single problem that arises. An impossible and truly unaccomplishable task. So you sink into depression, as you realise what you have lost and broken, and that no matter what you might want to glue it back together with, the wound will have to heal by itself ....somehow....and so you accept. Accept that all that can be done is wait. Wait for a miracle, or wait until time helps heal the wound....and hope that what is left of it when 'healed' is still strong enough to survive the next stage....whatever the outcome.

But combining all of the above, the list dashes through my head in constant repetition...and makes the wait a long and painful one, with no one but myself to blame for it.

Loving you, loving me....

Whatever anyone says about this topic...I just don't feel it....the whole loving 'ME' thing...I mean, I see it, and I get the hang of the actual concept, but I just can't seem to feel it or apply it. Not that I'm an unlovable person, surely not, but actually loving myself on a daily basis?? Nope...it's not happenin' !!!

To be honest,  mostly I'm not very pleased with myself or how I handle things, quite appalled even at times..(but I'll leave out the worst bits, just to spare you...) it's just that I'm not so good at 'crisis management' or even 'forgiving myself' for all my binge eating, lack of patience, vocal outbursts and/or stubborn mistakes that seem to happen over and over again.
At the end of the day, when all goes black and night falls, the same thing happens to me, all goes black and I fall. I fall into the habit of self-criticism. I review my day and decide what should have gone differently, seldom do I have a day that I seem satisfied or even a little pleased about. It's not that I'm depressed or anything similar, no worries there, I just feel I could and should do better.

I find myself ruled over by my über ME, as if my strict-self comes out, telling me I ate too much, talked too much, spent too much but did too little. 'This intolerant self' can get quite annoyed at ME for all that and more....and so the lecture begins...

'Tomorrow....I shall...' and 'after that....I will...' or even 'never again ...shall I...'

All my weak points get summoned and told off by the dark-night-time-ME. The better ME. Maybe even the perfect ME, yes that's right.. Über ME

Having said all this, there is little or no room left for any self-love, because I plainly do not fit my own 'perfect picture' of ME. And so, I regret the faults, the decisions, the mistakes, and sometimes even who I was that day...(preposterous, I know, because it's not like I can just 'change' that ME, right ?!) but that's how it is, plain and simple.

You'd think that getting told by friends and family that you are a nice enough person and perfectly worth loving would help out in these circumstances, but NO...for me that tends to inflame the affected 'I-must-work-on- ME' areas. Which in turn brings me more torture when night time sets in, as that becomes another issue altogether.

I find that I am exhausting myself - and others - with this unsatisfying trend. It is making me even more unloved and inaccessible, even to myself. Not to fear though...this too has become a task to tackle according to my nightly fussy-GOD-mother !!!

Tonight however, I plan to outwit the 'perfect ME' by telling her that I refuse to be berated on all my faults and defects !!! There will be NO more self-bashing, no more nasty comments and no more hoping to become that better person that I am supposed to LOVE. It's just not gonna happen. It's ME, it's been ME for 38 years and I'm gonna stay being ME for the next 38 years at least. So deal with it. Bugger off and leave me be....
Difficult, complicated, temperamental and extremely indecisive....so much so, that I'm giving up this endless struggle, I'm fed up with it, enough is enough. I've tried....I failed, FINE.
All the possible 'loving ME' giddinnes will be left up to others from now on. Good Luck with that I say !!

Now I just have to find the courage to feel all THAT  ;-)

Mies :-)

Fanatic Neurosis

I guess the best description of me now would be a read-faced-woman, with steam coming out of my ears and nostrils !! Once again, I opened my mouth on paper, well....specifically in an e-mail. You see, my eldest daughter has been playing field hockey since her 5th birthday and she is now about to turn 13. I am proud to say that with the effort she puts into it, she has made the best teams for a few years now. As her mother I am incredibly proud of this achievement and I encourage her as much as I can, by attending as many of her matches against other star talents as possible. Yes, I say 'as possible' because  I have two other kids, who I am equally proud of and whom I also like to encourage in their sporting activities.

Being a single mom, I try to keep things as uncomplicated as possible, so for convenience sake, all three kids play field hockey (luckily they also love it). This way, everything happens in one place (the Club). The Club is about a 15 minute drive from home, a road I have frequented more over these past 8 years than any other in my life, so much so, that it sometimes feels like the Club is our second home. We are there on Monday's, Wednesday's, Friday's and Saturday's....and even though it looks like a nice place to spend sunny afternoons sipping tea, (or as some prefer; wine) the glamour of it wears off by the perpetual visits. It's like a relationship, you need some time apart sometimes to bring back some of the old 'spark'.

This 'time-apart' is what I like to call...'the Holidays' ....they are a much loved time of peace and rest, provided by school, and all sorts of other authorities, so you'd expect the same to be true for sports clubs...but noooooo !! These girls are so highly motivated and encouraged by colleague sports-fanatics that they will be training during the 'holidays' much to my dismay. You see, I don't want to be a 'Cruella de Vil' who prohibits her daughter to join them, but I do want a vacation from that cobble road I travel on sometimes 13 times a week....most of all though, I want my daughter to have time to enjoy the other things in life, because believe it or not, there is a whole world out there just waiting to be explored and it's not all within the boundaries of a hockey field.

The problem is, of course, a 'conscience' one....if I don't let her go, she will think it's not fair as she might miss out on some essential stuff, which could put her at a disadvantage, in a team where, however proud I am, she has to work her butt off to keep up with the better players. I don't want that to happen either, because her efforts should not be ruined by my need for a break from this scene and roadtrip. If I do let her go, it will seem as if I'm supporting this sporty overdose, which I am definately not.

So what to do in this case ? Give into this fanatic neurosis, that will only get worse as Christmas holidays, Easter holidays and even summer holidays will prove to be great practice opportunities for even better and bolder results...who are we kidding here ?! If you are shoved into something you feel forced into, you'll end up hating it ...so lets just enjoy the holidays and let go of all the 'must do's'....Please, pretty please.

'Normal' or not, that is the question.

When I was little, I used to think that certain things were going to be a very normal part of my life. Like my parents I was going to get married, have children, and live that absolutely 'normal' life, because that is how it was done. Yes, I say, 'was' done because, normal is no longer normal.....it's changed profoundly. Left and right families fall apart, split up, leave, and decide on a better and brighter future....alone or with more suitable partners. This time I really don't want to go into the logistics of things or the pain it causes everyone involved, but I would like to point out that what we used to see as normal, is truly no longer the same norm.

Many if not most of the parents at the schools my children go to, have separated or divorced recently. At one stage it felt like a 'divorce tsunami' had hit this town. Leaving it's victims scattered all over the place, some even in friends' houses, where they found shelter with other people's spouses....
I walk around and realise that I no longer know, who is going out with whom, for it changes so fast at times that I can no longer keep up.

So I wonder, is it still all about ' 'love and marriage' ? Or has this become about loving ourselves only and chasing what would be ideal for us as an individual. What do we want out of life nowadays ? Have our values changed so much ? And if so, where does that leave those of us, who are still working hard at making the relationship we once committed to, work ?

I wonder...

What I once thought to be the norm, has now become the exception, and with that I have no idea what to teach my children. Should I prepare them for the heartache that may lay ahead or shall I keep their hopes up by holding on to something that is no longer what it used to be. I think that in the end, I'm going to hope and pray that youth learns from our 'mistakes' and work their @ss off so as not to make the same ones once again. Who knows but that may just do the trick and help the constitution of marriage regain it's foundation. For right now, it's being shaken to distruction and extinction rapidly. Then again, does anyone still really care ?!...Maybe THAT is the question....

Life of (Bullshit) Riches

We vragen ons vast regelmatig af wat er met 'die mensen' is gebeurd waarvan wij allen het angstvallige vermoeden koesterden dat ze ooit nog de sidekick zouden kunnen worden van hun eigen relaas. Zij die bekendheid ambieerden, zij die het wilden maken...in hun eigen 'helemaal in je eentje show', toch?!


Neem nu deze multi-talent bijvoorbeeld; met sportieve, commerciële en communicatieve gaven. Iemand die ooit eens op het lijstje van BN'ers een plekje wist te veroveren, zomaar even, tussen de groten 'der Buis'. Niet alleen geroemd om zijn wonderlijk dikke, donkere, haardos, maar om allerlei...televisie  'Dinges'. Om een plekje op dat lijstje te bemachtigen moest je wel erg hard knokken, duwen en hier en daar over een lijk kunnen gaan want het was geen ontspannen 'Holidayshow' bedoeling hoor !! Je moest van goede huize komen je (grote) tanden erin kunnen zetten, een vleugje charme hebben, een vlotte babbel en ook van  'alle drempels weg' zijn, om zo maar een paar dingen op te noemen. Van je wil moest je wet maken en vervolgens alles in je eigen richting sturen. Kanaliseren dus.

In principe zou alles je dan voor de wind moeten zijn gegaan. Volop aandacht, adoratie en veel fans.... Maar niets bleek minder waar bij dit 'ik-lijk-geen-dag-ouder', 'ietwat-vierkant-uitziend', televisie mannetje want hij viel letterlijk en figuurlijk uit de smaak, en verliet de showbizz wereld na een zwaar op de maag liggend akkefietje, zoals ze dat in die kringen noemen. Nederland bleek te klein, voor deze Napoleon en als een echte pro wist hij België te veroveren. Dit keer niet via de media, maar zoals echte liefde gaat; door de maag. Hij opende de ene horeca onderneming na de andere in het land van deze zachtaardige en gemoedelijke mensen, niets vermoedend vielen zij ten prooi aan zijn slijmerige porties onzin en hittepetit snobistisch temperament. Onder het genot van vertroebelende rosé bubbels werd vanaf dat moment ook het verhaal glazig wazig, want ook daar in het milde zuiden, wist hij het bloed van menigeen te doen koken.

De kleinere zaakjes werden als zoete broodjes verkocht en deze, intussen, 'ervaren' horeca magnaat (zoals hij pas geleden nog geprofileerd werd in een flashback op de Nederlandse Televisie) waagde zich aan een buurt bistro; knus, geliefd en gekend tot in verre omstreken ..... Het moest en zou groots aangepakt worden, een tentje moest veranderen in een gebouwtje, terrasje werd lounge bar en 'decadent' werd het nieuwe 'chique'. Tot het buurtje een zeer mondige omgeving bleek, en ook nog eens vol 'ex-pats', met een ouderwets 'no-bullshit' beleid, en een eigen mening over de 'Frankie-goes-to-Hollywood', aspiraties van deze megalomaan, want laten we eerlijk zijn, Eddy Wally door de tuin horen galmen was echt geen kaskraker!! Een tot vervelens toe, herhaaldelijk, avond vullend programma van gedreun en 'kattengejank' vervuilde opeens de rustige woonwijk lucht. Het dorp beklaagde zich massaal bij de prinsemarij, maar zij bleken machteloos, want als een ware dictator, over het land 'der Loteling' regeert en bepaalt deze coryfee daar alle regels en wetten.

Maar niet alle sprookjes zijn voorbestemd voor een 'happily-ever-after', en zo naderen we vermoedelijk het einde van wat ooit een gigantisch imperium had moeten worden, het einde van een 'bullshit' era, want volgens de laatste geruchten uit een ietwat minder gelikt millieu blijkt dat er binnenkort waarschijnlijk niets meer over zal zijn van dit fabeltje dan een doorprikbaar luchtkasteel van vergane glorie, loze beloftes en kaal geplukte ribbetjes....Aanvalluh !!

Super Solitary Summer

It's about time for a new blog topic....a fresh wave of thoughts, streaming towards you online. It would seem that with all that has been going on in my life, I'd have plenty to post. But NOoooo....

Summer, to me is a time of reflection, cocooning and isolation, and I must admit that the grey and rainy days help me achieve this latent state of mind.... I tend to enjoy two months of complete extraction from my otherwise vivid social life. I know, it sounds utterly absurd, as summer is supposed to be a happy and outgoing season, but please don't think I'm unhappy, far from it !!! I'm just a little housebound and solitary....and I love it. I guess it helps me reload my batteries for the rest of the year.

So whilst this whole town is off to enjoy far away destinations and luxurious holidays in Italy, Bali and the USA...(which by the way leaves plenty of room for those of us, 'left behind' to leisurely park our cars). I like to use this time to actually enjoy LIVING IN my house again. The rest of the year is such a rush of obligatory trips to school, sports, supermarket, and social events, that we hardly seem to have any 'at-home-time' at all.
So we dig into our mess, throw away whatever is old and broken, and end up being perfectly happy with the bits and pieces of comfort-junk that are left.

It takes the kids a few weeks of boredom and TV to let go of modern life as we know it until they finally indulge into the nostalgia of Lego and boardgames. What amazes me most is that they learn to appreciate each other again as brother and sisters become friends. Something that during the school year is somehow prevented by age and their own set of friends.Thus the more we become a family unit again, the less important the outside world becomes.....hence the cocooning.

It's always a shame to see that fall apart after 2 glorious months of bonding, but I also know that this next year will give us plenty of stress and mess to enable us to have ourselves another fantastic summer next year !! So for now we still have another month or so to go and we're well on our way to becoming social outcasts....what a wonderful life indeed.