Say what you need to say...

Isn't that exactly what we all seem to avoid doing saying, and even in those cases where we finally say what we need to say, sometimes it comes out 'all wrong'....as is often the case with me. I either truly say too much or just not enough of what I should. I'm learning though...slowly but steadily, to speak my mind and it's become easier now that I am getting to know my out-of-control-psyche...just a tad.

It's always baffled me that some people just know exactly how things are supposed to be, their minds are clear, straight lines, no loopholes, just plain and simple. Mine isn't, it's a constant chaos of what 'if's' and what 'may's' ...never ending discussions and options, in one ear and out the other, continuous confusion, mayhem and turbulence....havocking  my 'upstairs attic room'.

I find it exhausting at times, yet wouldn't want it any other way....as it's exactly what makes me, ME. However, I so admire those with clearer views and outlined barriers. I guess it's like an interior, mine is crowded, cluttered and very lived in, but others live in minimalism often optimally maximizing their options and capacities that way !!

I'm in constant struggle with the 'shadows in my head' always wondering which voice to listen to and why...endless discussions good and bad, a waterfall of emotions streaming through now and again, after each big storm, befogging thoughts... but in the end bringing calmness and clarity for a little while, till the next downpour.

It's like living on a different plane, and 'odd-dimensional' layer, one that feels alive but invincible...kind of like the one you sometimes feel you're in after watching an action movie, where the hero, went through the toughest combats and battles ever, yet, survived and triumphed all, with barely a scratch to show for it...and leaving you in (his) euphoric exaltation.

That kind of almighty perception, is what seems to be what continuously lives in my 'mind-attic'.

So...having unveiled the insidesghts of  my 'top chamber', and probably leaving you thinking I am absolutely bonkers, rest assured that it keeps me living the vida loca, that I so love to dwell in. Looking forward to what comes next, always !!

Huffington Post !!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/05/share-your-breakthrough-s_n_667245.html#s123650

Slowly Shrivelling

I decided today that I am getting OLD !!! My face has gone wrinkly.....37 has caught up with me and become visible. No longer able to pretend to be young, by acting it, as the lines on my face give it away now.
Not sure I really like that, even though I used to think I wouldn't have a problem with ageing at all...well, apparently... I do. It's strange how men seem to get more handsome with age, yet women just shrivel and crumple. Mother Nature, must have had her say in this....obviously making sure she kept plenty of good looking men around for herself !

Of course there are ways to make it 'go away'; botox, fillers, face lifts, you name it !! But the fact is....you're only delaying the process and in time it catches up with you anyway.
So, after having bought a very expensive 'plumping cream', and carefully rubbing it on my face, I realised there was absolutely no change...and just the mere realisation of THAT has created yet another 'frown' on my creasing face !!!

So now what....just accept it and grow old in dignity ?! No way, I refuse to !! It is not fair, that only half our lives we're allowed to roam wrinkle-free-and-young on this planet. All fashion dictates in magazines is outer beauty, and 'photochoppedshopped' perfection....and here I am with my face and hair in the process of slowly shrivelling and thinning out by the day hour...

Stuck in my 'sexual peak' years, finally feeling comfortable enough with my body as it is, (which is by no means as great as it used to be ;-) ) yet now having to switch off the light to hide my wrinkles....and having to accept that time is catching up and taking it's toll, all in one subtle move one glorious morning.... The day you all of a sudden look older, than yesterday.... Doom's Day !!

I find myself wanting to scream, but refusing to do so, as screaming may create even more wrinkles ! And the thought of one more small hint of a line, just horrifies me !!!

In my 'younger' days, I used to see older women on TV, and I remember thinking and saying, "look at what a wonderful life she's had, you can tell by the lines on her face." Well, I no longer seem to agree with that thought. It's a fright in the mirror every morning....shocked to encounter my own reflection, feeling not a day over 20 yet looking way older !!! I think I may officially be having a crisis of age....I'm afraid Carl Jung warned us all for this, 'an emotional transition as a normal part of the maturing process...' (sounds like Swiss Cheese to me... ;-) ) but I guess he was right...and there are five phases to go through. I'm still in the first one...shock...!! Denial, depression, anger and acceptance still need to come...so wrinkles beware, this fight's not over YET !!!!

Time after Time

Luscious and scrumptious tasting ingredients... flour,sugar, milk and eggs seem easy enough a combination....placed into the 'hearth' to rise and bake..


What happens when the oven door opens too soon and the cake is not ready....not fully baked...yet so tempting and seducing with it's lingering aroma. When what you think is fate seems, to have arrived too early....being not quite there yet ?! Or maybe it will never be what it might have been intended to become. Wondering why, is a waste of time, it's something that becomes apparent after endless sleepless nights and plenty of circles on the roundabout. Sometimes timing just ain't right. It's as simple as that. Sometimes a point of no return put you there, in the middle of uncertainty. Left to ponder and explore.

Wondering.....why...and why not. Over and over again. Some things need time, to adjust, to entwine, and to connect, just rightly. Just like the cake. No use pushing it. Patience becomes a true virtue in these cases, for there is not a single certainty to this real life open ended recipe.

So time after time, desperately trying to find the right button to press, thinking I may have found it and realising that even though I seem to hit some home truths, I cannot get to what lies beyond them....that, which is safely tucked away, in a comfort zone for fears to reign.

When truths are untold or left out, time has a way of resurfacing them, at exactly the right moment, does the same thing happen with fate....does it fall into place at exactly the right instant ?!  Will time ensure the proper outcome of it?!

And how does the concept of 'wasted time' fit into this...how long do you 'take your time' ?! Is time endless and unwinding ?! Does time also need distance to evolve and grow...

When we find ourselves in this 'lost zone', a 'black hole' as it were, filled with endless possibilities, yet yearning for our wish to come true....do we stare into the darkness hoping to see what we so hope to see, only to find that in the end, life throws you in an unexpected twirl....?! Are we constantly grasping at straws ?! Or is there a way to make happen, what we so want to make happen.

A good cake is made from an 'old recipe' one that has been sampled over and over again, all the ingredients blending into a fantastic flavour, one that is so tasty, that it will make us want to make the cake again, and again. Is this too needed in relationships, the right ingredients at exactly the right time....Ensuring taste and structure ?! It seems logical enough.

A year ago, my ingredients were finally assigned to me ....and I combined them with someone else's hoping to bake a fabulous cake together, but everytime I stare into the oven and see, that to this day, the smell is wonderful, it looks fantastic and tastes close to perfect, but something seems to have gone wrong with the structure of it all....and neither of us seems capable of 'fixing' it....we keep leaving it mushy and nearly done...each choosing a different and new mix elsewhere, thinking that will make us the cake we think we want...but will it !?!

I guess maybe, once time and distance get a chance to work it out, the cake may possibly have fully baked to perfection....fate remains... and only time will tell.

Cause life is full of comfort and challenges..... X

Off the Roundabout

Having spent many days driving in circles on life's roundabout, I have finally taken an exit...hopefully the right one.

Once a year I get a week of  'ME' time as the kids go on holidays with their dad. It seems to have a strange effect on me, for in that week, I party, hardly sleep and mostly just try to enjoy life to the limit. As I did this time...

I took a wonderful ride, full of fun and adventure, with a sense of new found freedom that is usually unknown to me. Only to find that with the return of my children, my life too came back, and hit me hard.
I had been living Cinderella's night out at the castle, the pumpkin chariot, the fairy godmother, and even the handsome young prince all played a part in my week's fairytale, one I so wanted to turn into reality, yet found out that even my deepest desires couldn't keep that scene enchanted !! And so the fairytale ended, but not as they usually do, I'm afraid.

Real life just has no clue as to what fairytales are made of. We often have all the right ingredients, yet still manage to make a mess of things. Luckily, the real life version of my life, is one I cherish and prosper in.

However deciding what is right is not an easy task, for what is right for me now, is no longer what was right for me pre-kids, or pre-marriage, or pre-awakening, or even what will be right for me next month or next year... Some things still seem to happen for the first time, even though I am a grown up mother of three. And without wanting to sound  melodramatic, I do think that my life seems at times to be one big Greek drama. Comedy and tragedy blended into some sort of happy meal type package deal of the week, or month. Each time with a surprise element included ;-) Not always one I am actually 'happy' with, I might add.

So, slowly adjusting back to my actual life, kind of freaks me out too. As much as I love my children, I do not only consist of 'motherness', this week showed me that there is within me a woman dying to live her life and satisfy her needs and expectations. Something that may sound awful, egoistic and maybe even self centered. I may actually be suffering from a fluke I never thought would happen to me. Being in control of everything, always, I now feel like I'm in my pumpkin chariot which turned into a loose projectile, flying through my neighbourhood, hitting anything and everything and not quite understanding why. Probably creating havoc and damage all over, yet not knowing how to stop it.

So...for now, I took an exit...no idea where this road is going to take me, but hopefully to stiller waters and greener pastures. So that all the damaged territory can have time to heal and recover, whilst I'm on this road less travelled.....curving slowly into the French country side....welcoming me into La douce France for a much needed time-out !!!

Ashton-ishing !

Once again it happened....having 'frightened' away my 'first knight', because of my trust issues and probably other significant stuff it has made me wonder if this relationship tango is even possible for me. I find myself feeling happy, yet, something seems to be standing in the way of love. But what...?!

The other day a friend of mine pointed out to me that I seem to be attracting the 'wrong' crowd...feeling young at heart, it seems that that is exactly what is being projected, and therefore my unexpected and unprecedented  'target' group have become the 'much younger men'.....

This is not something that I aim at, but for some reason it seems to happen every time, and it has me wondering whether it has to do with my inability to decide what I want in a relationship, or just plain coincidence..
These younger guys are enjoying their life, their spirits are so full of positivity and they have many plans and ambitions and still have a sense of old fashioned romance, that older men seem to lack. For the latter, any fuss seems too much of a hassle and so they decide enough is enough and they move on to the next available woman, this probably explains why younger women get picked generally, as they have less 'complications' in life.

Not feeling too sure about my own thoughts on the great age gap, yet curious to explore, I realize this may be dangerous territory for everyone involved. Always worrying about what people may say or think, and what judgements might be made. Speculations and or opinions of others seem to affect me too much, even though it's my life to live, and my call to make. Having been pointed out this exact issue by a much younger person in my life, it finally truly hit home for me. We live in a society where no one would have commented if I were to go out with an older man, but when the age difference is the other way around, it's 'not done'. Men get away with it, women don't, unless you happen to be Demi ;-)

So it leaves me wondering where I stand in this all. Do we choose a person or love according to age ?! Or is it just a number indicating how long we've been around?! And who gets to decide which number fits and which one doesn't ?! I'm sure it's not as simple as it all may seem, as Prince Charming may come riding by in many attires. Some of which we may have thought were exactly what we wanted, yet in the end were nowhere near what we needed, or wished for. It makes me think of Shrek, a modern time fairytale mocking the looks, size and age of  Mr. Perfect, love knows no settings, only those that trigger your deepest emotions and they somehow remain unexplainable. And so it should be.

The criticisms of the world, of which I once too did partake, now seem so out of place and dated. Does that mean I no longer have morals and values, or is it just a different view on life?! Who is to tell ....
What I have noticed is that looking into that direction and option, brings turbulence to life. Uprooting all sorts of beliefs and values seems to be part of this rollercoaster ride we're all on, and in turn it hurts those that cannot and will not budge. I am sorry for that, yet will not quit the ride for it.

Finding myself being challenged by these new and exciting aspects of life, I can't help but to wonder why it is only now that I am confronted with things that others did and learnt at much earlier stages of their lives. This proving to me, once again, that age is but a number, as experience comes when it comes. It is an awkward time in my life to still be doing this trial and error excercise. Once again another new road has opened up and it's time to take a walk, wander and take in.

For if you don't take a plunge into the deep end once in a while, you may not find what it is you're looking for. No pain, no gain, seems an appropriate slogan to go with. So try before you die and remember that most of all, it is your own self that needs to feel happy and alive, when that happens, your joy will hopefully be contagious enough to help settle the dust that you caused to arise !!!