Solitude Mood

Sunshine or not, the tough days still seem to appear out of the blue. Funny how you can be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, yet feel so lonely at times. It just goes to show that loneliness is inside of you, not influenced by outside factors. (Although keeping busy can help your lonely spirit hide.)
Today happens to be one of those days...the sun is out and making everyone happy, yet I find myself excluded from it. No kids, no friends, no family. Just me.

Draining in self pity I guess, for a bit...as no happy thought and no amount of sunshine seems to do the trick.

It's just one of those days...

We all have them I'm sure, a friend of mine has had to put her kids on a plane for a month long trip to visit their father abroad, it must have been so hard for her to do, yet she will hopefully not feel lonely as she has found her prince charming and his love and attention will take the edge off missing her girls.

I know you should never count on the other person for your own happiness, that's not how it works, you need to be and feel happy yourself and the other person will just add to that. Thing is.....it would be nice at times to have that addition...just that little bit extra. Knowing a special person out there thinks the world of you and will undrown your sorrow. Can't help but think that makes me greedy and needy....yet doesn't everyone hope to find that ?!

It's on the off days that life looks so gloomy, and for some reason, it's hard for me to get through them...
Miss my kids, and all their laughter. Feel excluded from friend and family events, as sometimes my presence is no longer appreciated. It makes things awkward and hard for everyone involved, I am still the same person, just no longer suitable. All very understandable, which makes it even harder at times, for I do not want to let anyone feel uncomfortable or obliged.

It's weird how it happens that by being single at my age, makes you less likely to get invited to things that couples and families do together. Especially at weekends and dinner parties. So best and only option is to find your own fun in life. And I say this trying to convince myself out of my solitude mood. ;-)

A full 24 hours of indulging myself in ME time, and not having had a single proper conversation with anyone, leaves me feeling like a hermit, secluded from society. And that is not my thing.
Even so, a 'time out' is good for everyone, time to self reflect, ponder and wonder. Life is not always on the up, so it's good to explore the lowlands.

I wouldn't be me if a plan of action had not been made so ....as the skies turn grey and rain approaches, soon enough my kids will be back home, grandparents will be visiting and enough food to feed the hungry will decorate the table !! Now THAT, is what I call living the good life !

The loneliness ? It gets tucked away till next time....  ;-)

Trust Issues

Apparently if you get hurt somewhere along the way of love, sometimes without even noticing it at first, cuts appear and scars occur. Funny how this doesn't become apparent until it's allready full blown in your face. After years of 'healing' and 'growing' I thought I had reached the point of being able to 'start over'. Everything was running smoothly, great friends, caring family, well settled kids, and a new life that suited me and all my likes, and the will to love again !

How wrong I was.

A few trial and errors had not seemed so harmless at the time, even though they hurt the ego and caused some tiny emotional turmoil. Every single time I dusted myself off and set my path onwards. Of course wondering why and what may have led to the unsuccesful 'relationship', but determined to learn from it and make better judgements next time round.

So, not considering that each and every 'other' time, I was actually dealing with a new and 'other' person, I became strict and non acceptive. Trusting someone is not as easy as it once was, when I blindly followed and believed. After having been 'screwed around' a few times, I figured everyone had such a deviously deceptive plan and intention in mind, never considering that there may still be noble men (and women) out there. Taking a look around, didn't help much either, as people seemed to be splitting up for the most insane reasons possible, left and right.

Finding myself checking things in shameful 'Big Broher Like Ways', and thinking it an absolute natural way of handling the situation. I never considered that it may just be a way of controlling my own feelings, so they wouldn't again get hurt. At times, the 'spying' would lead to nothing as the hunch would not turn out the way I expected it to, and other times I would think something of a certain 'act' that meant nothing and was easily clarified with a perfectly innocent explanation.  So what I ended up doing is looking for the 'fault' .....UNTIL I  found ANYTHING...because all I seemed  to want, was to be right about the person in question not being trustworthy. The trouble with all this snooping around is that, you leave no space for naturalness, for true desire, or attraction. It kills anything and everything by suffocating the 'butterfly' breeze. Not only do you achieve hurting yourself anyway, but you now also find yourself hurting other people, especially those with the best intentions.

It became apparent to me that we can only open ourselves up to love if we open ourselves up to pain and hurt. For without one, there is no other.

A great challenge lies before me, as I must now find a way to trust and not be afraid of the consequences. In a world where everything seems scattered and upside down, and ethics are lost in desires. Putting an end to my own doubts and without hurting yet another person. I hope that it will be possible to find my way again, and if I'm lucky, very lucky, there'll be some out there willing to lovingly help me get there. :-) So I guess it's about time to cut the crap and cut some of them out there, some slack ....daring to jump in the deep end ! Leaving it up to fate.....sticking with it...to see how the story goes....

Naked Truth

Fashion dictates all over body issues....how we look, what we wear, what is accepted and acceptable; and yes, even what is underneath all that... !!!

Great changes have taken place since I went into puberty...from wild natural bushes, to elegantly trimmed acres and smooth silky pastures. Weird how something so primal can go through such an evolution. How does it happen and why ?! Do we feel that nothing needs covering up anymore ?! Or is it a desire to rid ourselves of our primaeval heritage ?! And if so, why ....?!

Do we find the need to expose that which is hidden because life is complicated enough and it seems our only and most natural way to show our true colours, and purity.... Or is it only a desire to look and feel good. Do these trends occur maninly early on in new relationships, and do they last ?! Asking around, I have noticed that not everybody is up to date with the latest fashion 'between the sheets'. Some couldn't be bothered and feel that after years of marriage, there is no need for refreshing cuts ;-) afterall, there 'should' be no comparison right ?!

No...not 'right', as nowadays anything and everything can be 'googled' !!! So the latest fashion in hair 'down under' is available to all those keen enough to type a search for it. Images included !!

Why we sometimes go through the trimming 'torture' remains puzzling, as it is not comfortable to wax, smelly and nearly lethal to 'Veet', and very sensitive to shave daily not to mention extremely itchy the day after ;-). And I haven't even begun to talk about ingrown hair follicles, rashes or all the various shapes and sizes in womens- in-between-the-legs -'creations'.

We take things far as human beings, men have started shaving all over too, areas, that to me seem unmanly when hairless, but the trend is set and people follow. There are individuals who feel that after the succes of snow white teeth, anus bleaching is the way to go, no offence but who cares how perky and 'blond' buttholes look ?! Some even go to the extremities of vagina regenarations, whereby everything is 'tightend' back into teen proportions .....somehow this sounds very pedophile to me.

All for what ?! A better sex life ....I wonder, because  a great sex life  involves passion, desire and if you're lucky, plenty of love. Things that don't seem fazed by the exterior looks or fashion statements of your new found lover.

However, does what 'goes' have to be followed or do we do what we feel is best, and most convenient ? Should that be convenient to us or to the other person ?! Of course 'flossing' should be done with proper dental floss, but other than that, I see no other real problem with which style we choose to go for. How far do we go to 'please'....and how much of a sacrifice and effort do we make ?!
Does it influence the magic between two people or is it just a seductive method, to attract the other sex and confrim our own idleness. New partners take time to get used to, to adjust to each other's likes and dislikes, to learn the tricks of the trade. A voyage of great exploration, fun and pleasure. We embark on this mission in the hope that our fashion statement will get us what we want, yet somewhere along the journey, we realize that what we want may not be stated in that fashion !!!

It has been a marvelously funny and enlightening quest, I would like to extend special thanks to those who shared plenty of 'views' and details !! ;-) May you peak in great style !!!

Go with your own Flow

After spending years of constant struggle between ratio and emotion, endless discussions held in my head, debates and doubts...I have now reached the point of 'go with my own flow' !!!

It is exhausting to think everything over and wonder whether you are making the right decision at each and every point in life. Sometimes even with the best precautions we still go wrong, and other times we find ourselves in the right lane, just by accident !

Everybody's input in your struggle is important, but, it is you yourself who needs to live the path, and sow the seeds needed to evolve and blossom !
We try to protect ourselves from all harm and hurt, yet, at times it is exactly that, that helps us grow. Nothing is set in stone, and just because today might not be a day of great decision making, does not mean that tomorrow will be the same again...today's mistakes are tomorrow's learnt lessons.

At times it's best to live by the day, by the hour, or by the minute even....enjoying it all to te fullest. Confident that it will all turn out exactly how it's supposed to.

After hearing about yet another tragic death, and knowing that that person saw no other way to end the misery, you realize that life is a struggle for everyone, but it's how you deal with that struggle that's important.
And it's what you do with it that makes you who you are, take it or leave it.

All too often, we feel the need to explain our actions, and our words. The world may feel that you have to act a certain way, accept certain things, but it's just not always possible, it's in exactly this way that we discover our borders, our own rational and emotional margins. At times, these may change or evolve, depending on the way we feel and how we are approached, but having those borders is human. Living with them is what makes it bearable and safe.

Asking a person to ignore them or be untrue to them is asking someone to deny their very being. A request that should never be approved or accepted.

So when in doubt or serious debate, trust your inner self, your GUT...the drive within you and go with that flow. That way no one else is ever to blame, but yourself, and when you find the chosen to be exactly what you wanted, you will feel the GLORY of it ! And remember always.....'no guts, no glory....' !!

First Knight

One fine day out of nowhere and without a single warning....you meet a lovely and decent guy. As in fairytales, out of the blue, unexpected and so exciting !! A first encounter is soon planned, no time to change your mind, this time a restaurant setting in the middle of the countryside, for lunch on a sunny day. Nerves travel up and down your body, heart seems to skip some essential beats, leaving you breathless at times. Face flushed with a sweet pink blush, like the ones little kids get after an exciting ride at the fair. And off you go, to meet...

You take a look, recognise your date and feel a sigh of relief, that this time, it is truly the guy in the picture. A kiss on the cheek to greet each other and then you place yourself opposite to him at the table, feeling so excited and relieved that that first moment has just passed. Within minutes wine is ordered and gulped down, to relieve the tension and the everlasting nerves.... it thankfully helps.

For once the conversation is smooth and oh so alike, recognizable experiences and lifes' stories....you both have children, both have ex 's, both have so much to offer, yet with such caution. You hardly manage to nibble on the delicious food that is served with great care and a wink from the waiter as he sees you're on what seems to be an actual date !

Conversation is great, time flies, and then you realise you had so much fun, with a person who is practically a perfect stranger to you. After a goodbye peck on the cheek, you each return to your own lives, and ponder all that was said and told. Finding that the other person keeps entering your mind at intervals, and you wonder how it could all have such a great effect on you, that sudden meeting with a perfect stranger...

Opportunity presents itself and date two is made, a movie....now this is a challenge for there is no room for talk, just silent sitting and staring, with an occasional laugh or tear....again it feels comfortable and familiar. Way past midnight you once again receive a kiss on the cheek with the promise of keeping in touch. (Now where have we heard that before...) You leave and wonder whether this time this guy will follow through, whether it is possible to trust again, believe again. As human as we are, we do, we not only believe but we have hope and cherish the promise made.

Happy amazement when a day and a half later a picture arrives in your email inbox. He is out there having fun, yet thought of you...and wanted you to be a part of it..sharing it and caring enough to know you'll appreciate it..!!
After building up the excitement for a few days, another date is planned, carefully, and in secret. The genteman that he is he arrives exactly on time, smelling fresh and clean, and looking oh so good. Nerves seem to melt as soon as he walks in the door, champagne bubbles and strawberries form the decor to a lovely evening sharing lifes' tales and sorrows. A bond seems to be forming magically, a sense of wonder fills your soul and curiosity makes you want to know more and more about this man. Time flies, stories told, experiences shared.....

Then at midnight the fairytale slowly comes to an end as you realise that you both have to get up early the next day, so after some lingering.....it's time to say your goodbye's... so sweet and so innocent, a perfect gentleman still, and you find yourself longing for that first kiss, that tingle and suspense....
And there... like in the movies, just before he leaves, he kisses you, leaving you breathless and flushed and longing for more....

The very next evening is date number four....is it possible to have found that first Knight ?!! :-)
(Or is this once again a set up for one of lifes' great lessons ?!)

Principal Truths

At times I sit an wonder whether this world has come to an opened up Pandora's box. The lying, cheating, back stabbing and rotten ways in which we seem to treat each other these days is attrocious. If it weren't for some solid and faithful friendships, I think I would have long declared my time on Earth enough.
The facades, the masks, the pain inflicted without a single care, are too many to mention, too many to examine, too many to handle.

It leaves a simple soul wondering if anything at all is real, honourable and trustworthy.

No, I am not suffering from a depression, but feel that in some ways our society is. We seem infatuated with ourselves and our every craving....

But what about the real shit, the real pain, the real suffering; ...hunger, starvation, poverty, epidemics, child labour, cancer, aids, natural disasters, death.

Why is it we seem to worry about what car to drive, what house to own, what important position to have, yet always finding ourselves being exceeded by the next 'guy', because once you start that cycle, you are never a winner, always 'just' under...

A few years ago, our middle daughter was taken to hospital for what seemed a 'normal' pneumonia. The X-rays showed that a part of her lung had collapsed, medicines were given, treatment started, tests done, and at a certain point she was referred to a more specialised hospital in the country, where she had even more tubes stuffed down her throat, and more exams to determine the exact cause....assuming the worst, it was blissful when nothing was found truly wrong with her, except for a juvenile lack of certain immune system values. What a relief, but whilst she and I spent the night there, I saw children, bald ....pale...sick. Their eyes, with a dull despair, yet full of determination and bravery. Parents, sitting there, with them, day in, day out... their patience being tested, but with enough courage and strength for all involved. The horrible night scenes of pain and desperation, as the effects of the medicines kicked in...

I left there humbled.

Amazed that when I got back, people were discussing 'fashion' and 'cars', everyday chit chat, the type I had often had as well, but this time it was different, it no longer seemed important, it no longer seemed necessary, but simply pointless and shallow.
It took a while, but as it happens, life fell back into place, and relieved that our daughter was declared 'unexplainably healthy' ...old patterns returned.

Another disaster moment, hit. Separation. The world turned upside down and a rollercoaster ride of emotions set it's course. Again, so much seemed so uninportant, so much seemed shoal. Yet once again life found it's way back to me.

Friends going through horrid stories of their own, struggling, drowning, lost and confused, with the same fears and the same emotions, nothing anyone can do for them, but hope and pray they find their way.

I sit here longing for some good old fashioned 'caring', in this totally insane and fast lane life. Hoping people will open their eyes and heart to others, and stop being so acceptive of all the moraly unjust and undone !! No harm in daring to say what you feel, and feel what you say.  Straight forward, and honest principal truths.

Time Out

So...out of pure curiosity and a reminder that my subscription was coming to an end, I once again dared to take a look at the 'online available men catalogue'. Within a few minutes the first message bleeped in my inbox. It was short and to the point. 'I like your picture, if you want more, write back to me'...now there's a real charmer !! ;-)

After a little while a second message entered my inbox, this time it was longer and more flattering, and seeing that the picture looked ok by my standards, I replied. I was soon asked to meet up on MSN. Now you have to know that in the dating world as I know it, being asked to chat on MSN is not always a good thing, so I was reasonably prepared.... About 4 minutes into the light conversation...the topic 'sex' popped up,  on my screen... all my courage sank and within seconds I had deleted, blocked and gotten rid of this attention seeking individual.

It seems easy enough, except you end up feeling 'used' and 'abused'. I had decided not to let that happen again, yet there, within seconds it just 'sneaked in'.
It made me re-think the whole dating scene all over again. And without wanting to sound bitter or negative, it just seems to me, that there are no 'honourable' available men out there right now, for some odd reason.

It has left me a little discouraged and disappointed to say the least, yet if I'm very honest, I have no idea how a man would fit into my life, OUR life, anyway...!! I like having the freedom to decide what to do, when and with whom. No TV-channel arguments, shoes to trip over, underwear in the 'lost and found' corner of the bathroom and no snoring in bed (except my own occasional snore..;-)).

Yet I find myself sending a 'message' to a much younger friendly looking man. He responds kindly and even seems keen to meet. Still young enough to 'block' the thought of me having 3 kids out of his mind for now and sensible enough to wait and see if there is even a 'click' between us. He keeps up a cheerful and amusing email conversation with me for a few days and then drags his MSN out of the 'dustbin' to engage in quicker chit chat. He is too kind, too soft and too willing once again. So interest is lost from my side. Unbelievable.
How is it possible that we seem programmed to mainly want what we can't have ?!

So I let the contact die out once again....this time it's a good and sensible decision. He's too young, and deserves a life and litter of his own !

The quest however does not continue.... it's TIME OUT, time to enjoy a wonderful summer with the kids. I feel relieved, free and I look forward to this new fase I'm entering....

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex and the City