Living La Vida Loca !

Loving you, loving me....

2012-01-12T17:04:00.000+01:00

Whatever anyone says about this topic...I just don't feel it....the whole loving 'ME' thing...I mean, I see it, and I get the hang of the actual concept, but I just can't seem to feel it or apply it. Not that I'm an unlovable person, surely not, but actually loving myself on a daily basis?? Nope...it's not happenin' !!!

To be honest, mostly I'm not very pleased with myself or how I handle things, quite appalled even at times..(but I'll leave out the worst bits, just to spare you...) it's just that I'm not so good at 'crisis management' or even 'forgiving myself' for all my binge eating, lack of patience, vocal outbursts and/or stubborn mistakes that seem to happen over and over again.
At the end of the day, when all goes black and night falls, the same thing happens to me, all goes black and I fall. I fall into the habit of self-criticism. I review my day and decide what should have gone differently, seldom do I have a day that I seem satisfied or even a little pleased about. It's not that I'm depressed or anything similar, no worries there, I just feel I could and should do better.

I find myself ruled over by my über ME, as if my strict-self comes out, telling me I ate too much, talked too much, spent too much but did too little. 'This intolerant self' can get quite annoyed at ME for all that and more....and so the lecture begins...

'Tomorrow....I shall...' and 'after that....I will...' or even 'never again ...shall I...'

All my weak points get summoned and told off by the dark-night-time-ME. The better ME. Maybe even the perfect ME, yes that's right.. Über ME

Having said all this, there is little or no room left for any self-love, because I plainly do not fit my own 'perfect picture' of ME. And so, I regret the faults, the decisions, the mistakes, and sometimes even who I was that day...(preposterous, I know, because it's not like I can just 'change' that ME, right ?!) but that's how it is, plain and simple.

You'd think that getting told by friends and family that you are a nice enough person and perfectly worth loving would help out in these circumstances, but NO...for me that tends to inflame the affected 'I-must-work-on- ME' areas. Which in turn brings me more torture when night time sets in, as that becomes another issue altogether.

I find that I am exhausting myself - and others - with this unsatisfying trend. It is making me even more unloved and inaccessible, even to myself. Not to fear though...this too has become a task to tackle according to my nightly fussy-GOD-mother !!!

Tonight however, I plan to outwit the 'perfect ME' by telling her that I refuse to be berated on all my faults and defects !!! There will be NO more self-bashing, no more nasty comments and no more hoping to become that better person that I am supposed to LOVE. It's just not gonna happen. It's ME, it's been ME for 38 years and I'm gonna stay being ME for the next 38 years at least. So deal with it. Bugger off and leave me be....
Difficult, complicated, temperamental and extremely indecisive....so much so, that I'm giving up this endless struggle, I'm fed up with it, enough is enough. I've tried....I failed, FINE.
All the possible 'loving ME' giddinnes will be left up to others from now on. Good Luck with that I say !!

Now I just have to find the courage to feel all THAT ;-)

Mies :-)

Fanatic Neurosis

2011-10-26T23:09:00.000+02:00

I guess the best description of me now would be a read-faced-woman, with steam coming out of my ears and nostrils !! Once again, I opened my mouth on paper, well....specifically in an e-mail. You see, my eldest daughter has been playing field hockey since her 5th birthday and she is now about to turn 13. I am proud to say that with the effort she puts into it, she has made the best teams for a few years now. As her mother I am incredibly proud of this achievement and I encourage her as much as I can, by attending as many of her matches against other star talents as possible. Yes, I say 'as possible' because I have two other kids, who I am equally proud of and whom I also like to encourage in their sporting activities.

Being a single mom, I try to keep things as uncomplicated as possible, so for convenience sake, all three kids play field hockey (luckily they also love it). This way, everything happens in one place (the Club). The Club is about a 15 minute drive from home, a road I have frequented more over these past 8 years than any other in my life, so much so, that it sometimes feels like the Club is our second home. We are there on Monday's, Wednesday's, Friday's and Saturday's....and even though it looks like a nice place to spend sunny afternoons sipping tea, (or as some prefer; wine) the glamour of it wears off by the perpetual visits. It's like a relationship, you need some time apart sometimes to bring back some of the old 'spark'.

This 'time-apart' is what I like to call...'the Holidays' ....they are a much loved time of peace and rest, provided by school, and all sorts of other authorities, so you'd expect the same to be true for sports clubs...but noooooo !! These girls are so highly motivated and encouraged by colleague sports-fanatics that they will be training during the 'holidays' much to my dismay. You see, I don't want to be a 'Cruella de Vil' who prohibits her daughter to join them, but I do want a vacation from that cobble road I travel on sometimes 13 times a week....most of all though, I want my daughter to have time to enjoy the other things in life, because believe it or not, there is a whole world out there just waiting to be explored and it's not all within the boundaries of a hockey field.

The problem is, of course, a 'conscience' one....if I don't let her go, she will think it's not fair as she might miss out on some essential stuff, which could put her at a disadvantage, in a team where, however proud I am, she has to work her butt off to keep up with the better players. I don't want that to happen either, because her efforts should not be ruined by my need for a break from this scene and roadtrip. If I do let her go, it will seem as if I'm supporting this sporty overdose, which I am definately not.

So what to do in this case ? Give into this fanatic neurosis, that will only get worse as Christmas holidays, Easter holidays and even summer holidays will prove to be great practice opportunities for even better and bolder results...who are we kidding here ?! If you are shoved into something you feel forced into, you'll end up hating it ...so lets just enjoy the holidays and let go of all the 'must do's'....Please, pretty please.

'Normal' or not, that is the question.

2011-09-19T15:04:00.001+02:00

When I was little, I used to think that certain things were going to be a very normal part of my life. Like my parents I was going to get married, have children, and live that absolutely 'normal' life, because that is how it was done. Yes, I say, 'was' done because, normal is no longer normal.....it's changed profoundly. Left and right families fall apart, split up, leave, and decide on a better and brighter future....alone or with more suitable partners. This time I really don't want to go into the logistics of things or the pain it causes everyone involved, but I would like to point out that what we used to see as normal, is truly no longer the same norm.

Many if not most of the parents at the schools my children go to, have separated or divorced recently. At one stage it felt like a 'divorce tsunami' had hit this town. Leaving it's victims scattered all over the place, some even in friends' houses, where they found shelter with other people's spouses....
I walk around and realise that I no longer know, who is going out with whom, for it changes so fast at times that I can no longer keep up.

So I wonder, is it still all about ' 'love and marriage' ? Or has this become about loving ourselves only and chasing what would be ideal for us as an individual. What do we want out of life nowadays ? Have our values changed so much ? And if so, where does that leave those of us, who are still working hard at making the relationship we once committed to, work ?

I wonder...

What I once thought to be the norm, has now become the exception, and with that I have no idea what to teach my children. Should I prepare them for the heartache that may lay ahead or shall I keep their hopes up by holding on to something that is no longer what it used to be. I think that in the end, I'm going to hope and pray that youth learns from our 'mistakes' and work their @ss off so as not to make the same ones once again. Who knows but that may just do the trick and help the constitution of marriage regain it's foundation. For right now, it's being shaken to distruction and extinction rapidly. Then again, does anyone still really care ?!...Maybe THAT is the question....

Life of (Bullshit) Riches

2011-09-01T19:42:00.022+02:00

We vragen ons vast regelmatig af wat er met 'die mensen' is gebeurd waarvan wij allen het angstvallige vermoeden koesterden dat ze ooit nog de sidekick zouden kunnen worden van hun eigen relaas. Zij die bekendheid ambieerden, zij die het wilden maken...in hun eigen 'helemaal in je eentje show', toch?!

Neem nu deze multi-talent bijvoorbeeld; met sportieve, commerciële en communicatieve gaven. Iemand die ooit eens op het lijstje van BN'ers een plekje wist te veroveren, zomaar even, tussen de groten 'der Buis'. Niet alleen geroemd om zijn wonderlijk dikke, donkere, haardos, maar om allerlei...televisie 'Dinges'. Om een plekje op dat lijstje te bemachtigen moest je wel erg hard knokken, duwen en hier en daar over een lijk kunnen gaan want het was geen ontspannen 'Holidayshow' bedoeling hoor !! Je moest van goede huize komen je (grote) tanden erin kunnen zetten, een vleugje charme hebben, een vlotte babbel en ook van 'alle drempels weg' zijn, om zo maar een paar dingen op te noemen. Van je wil moest je wet maken en vervolgens alles in je eigen richting sturen. Kanaliseren dus.

In principe zou alles je dan voor de wind moeten zijn gegaan. Volop aandacht, adoratie en veel fans.... Maar niets bleek minder waar bij dit 'ik-lijk-geen-dag-ouder', 'ietwat-vierkant-uitziend', televisie mannetje want hij viel letterlijk en figuurlijk uit de smaak, en verliet de showbizz wereld na een zwaar op de maag liggend akkefietje, zoals ze dat in die kringen noemen. Nederland bleek te klein, voor deze Napoleon en als een echte pro wist hij België te veroveren. Dit keer niet via de media, maar zoals echte liefde gaat; door de maag. Hij opende de ene horeca onderneming na de andere in het land van deze zachtaardige en gemoedelijke mensen, niets vermoedend vielen zij ten prooi aan zijn slijmerige porties onzin en hittepetit snobistisch temperament. Onder het genot van vertroebelende rosé bubbels werd vanaf dat moment ook het verhaal glazig wazig, want ook daar in het milde zuiden, wist hij het bloed van menigeen te doen koken.

De kleinere zaakjes werden als zoete broodjes verkocht en deze, intussen, 'ervaren' horeca magnaat (zoals hij pas geleden nog geprofileerd werd in een flashback op de Nederlandse Televisie) waagde zich aan een buurt bistro; knus, geliefd en gekend tot in verre omstreken ..... Het moest en zou groots aangepakt worden, een tentje moest veranderen in een gebouwtje, terrasje werd lounge bar en 'decadent' werd het nieuwe 'chique'. Tot het buurtje een zeer mondige omgeving bleek, en ook nog eens vol 'ex-pats', met een ouderwets 'no-bullshit' beleid, en een eigen mening over de 'Frankie-goes-to-Hollywood', aspiraties van deze megalomaan, want laten we eerlijk zijn, Eddy Wally door de tuin horen galmen was echt geen kaskraker!! Een tot vervelens toe, herhaaldelijk, avond vullend programma van gedreun en 'kattengejank' vervuilde opeens de rustige woonwijk lucht. Het dorp beklaagde zich massaal bij de prinsemarij, maar zij bleken machteloos, want als een ware dictator, over het land 'der Loteling' regeert en bepaalt deze coryfee daar alle regels en wetten.

Maar niet alle sprookjes zijn voorbestemd voor een 'happily-ever-after', en zo naderen we vermoedelijk het einde van wat ooit een gigantisch imperium had moeten worden, het einde van een 'bullshit' era, want volgens de laatste geruchten uit een ietwat minder gelikt millieu blijkt dat er binnenkort waarschijnlijk niets meer over zal zijn van dit fabeltje dan een doorprikbaar luchtkasteel van vergane glorie, loze beloftes en kaal geplukte ribbetjes....Aanvalluh !!

Super Solitary Summer

2011-07-25T21:49:00.000+02:00

It's about time for a new blog topic....a fresh wave of thoughts, streaming towards you online. It would seem that with all that has been going on in my life, I'd have plenty to post. But NOoooo....

Summer, to me is a time of reflection, cocooning and isolation, and I must admit that the grey and rainy days help me achieve this latent state of mind.... I tend to enjoy two months of complete extraction from my otherwise vivid social life. I know, it sounds utterly absurd, as summer is supposed to be a happy and outgoing season, but please don't think I'm unhappy, far from it !!! I'm just a little housebound and solitary....and I love it. I guess it helps me reload my batteries for the rest of the year.

So whilst this whole town is off to enjoy far away destinations and luxurious holidays in Italy, Bali and the USA...(which by the way leaves plenty of room for those of us, 'left behind' to leisurely park our cars). I like to use this time to actually enjoy LIVING IN my house again. The rest of the year is such a rush of obligatory trips to school, sports, supermarket, and social events, that we hardly seem to have any 'at-home-time' at all.
So we dig into our mess, throw away whatever is old and broken, and end up being perfectly happy with the bits and pieces of comfort-junk that are left.

It takes the kids a few weeks of boredom and TV to let go of modern life as we know it until they finally indulge into the nostalgia of Lego and boardgames. What amazes me most is that they learn to appreciate each other again as brother and sisters become friends. Something that during the school year is somehow prevented by age and their own set of friends.Thus the more we become a family unit again, the less important the outside world becomes.....hence the cocooning.

It's always a shame to see that fall apart after 2 glorious months of bonding, but I also know that this next year will give us plenty of stress and mess to enable us to have ourselves another fantastic summer next year !! So for now we still have another month or so to go and we're well on our way to becoming social outcasts....what a wonderful life indeed.

Life begins at 40...or so they say

2011-06-13T21:02:00.000+02:00

Lately I've been struck by the amount of changes everyone around me is going through. It seems we near or hit the mark of 40 and life just smacks us in the face with separation, divorce, disease, death and unemployment crisis's. No one seems to elude them all and some get ruthlessly belted by multiple atrocities.

I can't help but wonder if it's some sort of shock therapy designed by a supernatural life force that likes to shake things up a little every once in a while.... We reach a point of self reflection, where we wonder whether we turned out to be the person we wanted to become, and of course some of us will suddenly realise that we are nowhere near that perfect image we had projected for ourselves. We may be discontented, angry, sad or disappointed in what we see when we stare into the mirror of self reflection.

That is when we decide that changes must be made, everything that is slightly 'off ' gets tossed aside to make way for new and exciting plans and people. We turn into 'desperately seeking...anythings' on our quest to re(de)fine ourselves.....

I feel a little anxious..some days, dreaming of an escape to Italy whilst I'm still young enough for it to have the impact it should have on me....because let's face it, if I go to Rome when I'm in my 50's I can forget about having ANY sex appeal whatsoever....the time is now !! Or how about immigrating to Australia...'down under'...far away from the hustle and bustle of the western world, driven by money, power and good looks...I imagine finding a comfortable shelter/home on the beach side, and enjoying the sunshine, sea breeze and laid back way of life.

It feels like I may already be at least halfway through life and there is still so much that I want to do, but the point of realising that some of that may probably never happen is sadly nearing...

So, no running off to play La Cicciolina in Italy or Dundee'ing abroad with backpacks and wrinkles, no dancing in clubs where I could actually break a leg and it wouldn't bring me luck....

The restlessness, I'm sure, will subside in time and by then I secretly know I will be happy with all that remains within reach and hasn't carelessly been tossed away in a whim of midlife crisis versus stuck in a rut.

Home is where the Heart is

2011-05-15T23:15:00.003+02:00

I'd like to share with you what it's like to feel the warmth of someone else's heart in mine, that, even though, I truly thought it wasn't possible, it is !!! That a special someone found the key to what was locked and stowed away so safely. A waterfall of love and hope seems to be streaming out, and making everything around me seem more beautiful than it already was. It's as if, the colours have come to life, making it all even more precious and unique. A sense of gratefulness has landed upon my shoulders, I stand in wonder of how it happened yet realize the time it took to unlock and free me from all doubt and reservations. It took a patient man to find the will and strength to do so, and even though right now he seems exhausted by the challenge he threw himself upon, I can only hope that he will never find regret in his actions and much love in the unveiled chambers of my heart, where only he has acquired a right of access.

Finding out that the the things you love the most are those that you least expect, pleasures hide in the littlest things, joy resides in the twinkle of the eyes, when glances meet, as if having known each other for years, they soothe the mind and rest it's thoughts, whilst deep inside you feel a sense of calmness and devotion alternated by jolts of passion. I think I could truly love to love again. Bearing in mind that you only achieve this level when you meet the right person, when the connection of the souls is a solid one, that's when sparks will fly !

All the things that had to carefully be taken into consideration, fall neatly into place. The unforeseen becomes foreseen and suddenly everything is crystal clear. The will to face the challenges that we may stumble upon, is huge and grows with every moment shared. I so look forward to what my life may bring with him, in it, so much so, that I refuse to waste a single minute.

I want to throw myself into this with everything I've got, take the plunge without fear and swim towards a happy ending, in this stream of new beginnings !!! Ready, set....and praying for 'GO' !!!

You give me Something...

2011-05-08T21:13:00.001+02:00

Love Actually

2011-05-08T19:59:00.001+02:00

Love hit me completely unexpected.

Tried it's best to convince me of it's authenticity and purity.

I kept doubting it, doubting myself.

Until one day, I felt it, like a warm and comfortable blanket it had grabbed a hold of me.

And as I stumbled out the words, love flew away....just like that.

Reality had crept in and strangled it's enthusiasm, leaving behind only but a sense of tragic loss....

All my desperate attempts to revive and rekindle it seem useless and in vain.

My heart aches more than words can say, and still I wonder must I really walk away.

Why aren't my feet moving ? Why is there still a wish of hope ?

Why complicate a future with all that was in the past.....

I can only pray that what is sometimes lost, is sometimes found again.

What a bliss it is to feel, that warm and fuzzy feeling called: LOVE.

Any day, and everyday, I will welcome it back, yet always with that fear that it may just like that, again, disappear....

Un Complicate Me

2011-04-23T17:44:00.009+02:00

I am finding out and being told, but mostly realising that it is ME and only ME who makes my life such a hard chore to live. Why is it that the first thing friends tell me when I come to them with what I see as a huge dilemma the comment that instantly arises is 'why are you making this so hard on yourself ?'. I must admit that is exactly what I do, I take a simple thing and over complicate it, there are so many factors that lead to that, but in the end, yes, I analyse until I over complicate, which leaves me with, let's say a complex ball of yarned thoughts and emotions that need to be untwisted but I'll have no idea how it got to that way or how to begin untwisting it...

So why do I keep getting stuck between a rock and a hard place? I guess it's all in the mind, it races away with all my emotions at a speed of a thousand miles an hour, only to lose track of the obvious. By the time I stop, totally exhausted and feeling bruised and prodded from all sides, my sight is blurred and the obvious is only a vague and tiny dot in the horizon. Too far to help me out in any way, and so the long journey back begins, finding my way through the cascade of thoughts and all that I think other people might feel, think, say or think once again..exhausting really, and to be perfectly honest, totally useless, and all driven by a high speed train of fear.

Seems so 'obvious' doesn't it, when I explain it this way...but once I'm on that fast track of self destruction and complications, there's just no breaks and my sight is impaired by the faster than fast speeds. So where and how can I change this ?! How does a person change a habit that sits so stuck within, like a grown in toe-nail. Does a specialist need to come in to decompress it for me, or can I just tinker and potter at myself and just lick my wounds when I'm done ?!

What do the sane and smart people do, do they even exist ? It seems once again I'm not really getting the point, as I find myself in the same situation time after time. Or is it just little bits that we learn as we go along, to hopefully, eventually get it and see the big picture ?! Because right now, from where I'm standing...it's still a blurr...

I find myself feeling like a complete and utter fool, because after months and months of doubt and inner struggle, I tumbled upon my true feelings only to find I was too late. Too late for what could have been a wonderful chapter in my life... it's getting to sound a bit like the 'story of my life' now...but because I don't want to wallow in self pity (again), I need to find a way to change this thing I do....overcomplicating things till I suck the life out of them.

So once again, I will humbly retreat into my heart chambers and prepare myself for whatever comes next...

Life's Purest of Lessons

2011-04-13T20:07:00.000+02:00

I believe that in the past five years, some sort of awakening has occurred in me, as if a veil has lifted, a road has cleared, or a piece of the puzzle has fallen into place. Where once I dreamed in clouds of make belief reality, I am now awake to blue and open skies, that can also turn to shades of grey. For so long, I led a life of self inflicted numbness, only to awaken to a real and tangible life.

I remember all the tears that flowed, the bouts of panic that struck every single night as the lights faded and darkness set in. I felt complete and utter distress, fear, anger, loneliness, jealousy, happiness, thankfulness, and all of them bound together producing tears of pain and regret for all that could have been, or maybe all that should have been. Or so I thought.

It is now a while back since my then-husband announced that he had fallen out of love with me, and in love with someone else; a gorgeous 23 year old, tall, skinny and bursting with enthusiasm for life. I, on the other hand had turned into a thirty something nagging wife and mother, obsessed with the nitty gritty things in life, because I so believed that life was all about rules and regulations, the facts and figures, and all the 'should-be's' ....forgetting about actual enjoyment, spontaneity and jest. I was more willing to live an unhappy life with him, than believing I may stand a chance at a happy life without him.

It was as if I had only certain 'fixed moments' of 'forced' pleasures; time together or dinners with friends were supposed to be good and happy occasions and therefore I forced and expected myself to enjoy them, but to be honest I never savoured them, either on my plate or that what life was offering me in so many other ways, I had simply forgotten. Forgotten how...and mainly why it was important to do so.

And when you live like that, the price you end up paying is sky high. You find you lose yourself, everything about you, and sometimes (like in my case) even those that love you.. That's exactly what I let happen. I let 'me' disappear into thin air. I became see through, without any substance of character; lost in the ruins of me. Until the shock of abandonment jolted me out.

It is taking forever to put back the pieces of my puzzle ...recovering all that was lost, and trying to undo the silly revival mistakes I made; but like a vase that breaks, some pieces are irreplaceable and you find you have to look for new parts to rebuild. This process is not an easy one, and one I would not like to go through again, yet I am extremely thankful it happened and confident I will flourish.

The strange thing is, no matter how hard you try to succeed at this, there is always room for improvement. We never reach perfection, all we must aim for is inner peace and I have to admit, I just can't seem to find it so often. The head keeps over thinking, the heart wants to be loved, but dares not, and this cycle is one I cannot stop or escape from.

What I have realised is that all was not in vein.... I really believe that we have been put here with a certain plan, we choose the lessons we want to learn and the people or souls to learn it from, each of us with a certain task to accomplish. Some of us braver than others because we have to play the 'bad guy' in order for others to learn. If my marriage had not ended the way it did, I would not have taken responsibility for my own life, a difficult task, when you've leaned on someone for so very long and expected them to carry you. So however weird it may seem, I'm grateful for the difficult choice my then-husband made, as I'm sure the pain involved was plenty on his side too, and even though it looked like he was home-free from the outside, it must have taken all the courage he had left on the inside. I'm not sure he will ever know the true impact it had on me, as he gave me a very valuable gift, the quest to find myself, while he left the stage.

It is only now after 5 years that I find myself looking for my own purpose and significance, to others, to friends, family, my children, but especially to myself.

Thank you, for the purest of lessons.... 'the meaning of me'.

Facebook

2011-04-01T17:35:00.001+02:00

A year ago I joined the Facebook community. I had been there years before, but deactivated my account as I found it too confrontational and painful. It was there that I first saw my ex glancing at his new girlfriend with melty love stricken eyes, partying on (profile) pictures, whilst I was home with 3 kids. Not a good thing when you're still heartbroken and trying to heal. So after several bolts of self inflicted pain, I deleted my profile and swore it was not my thing. (Please don't worry as I am no longer affected by such scenes or pictures, somehow you become immune at some point.)

Admittedly my curious nature brought me back a few years later and in February 2010, I thought, 'If you can't beat them, join them', and so I did. I spent hours, days even, trying to figure everything out, wanting to know all the in's and outs to be well informed about privacy issues this time. Made my profile page, added friends, and pictures and within a few weeks I had settled comfortably into what has now become my second 'home'.

It's the ideal spot to dwell if you don't want to feel lonely, as there's always someone around to chat or comment on. It's like this hot spot where everyone checks in, to browse around and can audaciously be nosy. It absolutely suits my personality. I've become extremely fanatic about posting, love to share music, sentiments, blogs and other stuff, much to some people's dismay I'm sure, but facebook has a built in button for that too, as it's a piece of cake to remove friends or friends' posts, just press 'unfriend' or 'hide posts' and you're instantly liberated from 'spammers' like myself.

I haven't ventured into the world of facebook games yet I must admit, as that may stop me from having a life outside of facebook altogether. Plenty of time left to explore those horizons in the future.

For now I've made myself a comfortable dwelling with a fanpage to promote my blogs and notify my readers of the latest Living la Vida Loca updates. I've made loads of old, new and even 'unknown' friends, and the strange thing is that even though this all takes place in cyberspace, people let you in deeper than they would ever do in real life...I love that, thrive on it and feel inspired by each and every one's posts, pictures, stories and comments. It's like having an extended family...always there, to support and encourage.

Having said all that, I can also imagine it being tough on the insecure souls, as comments can easily be misread and things have a way of leading their own life. Relationship statuses change like the weather and posted (profile) pictures give the impression everyone else is always happy. When my eldest decided it was also time for her to join facebook, I must admit I hesitated. Afraid of how she would cope with the stress of it all, but so far so good.

So now after numerous chats filled with emoticons to accentuate the tone of conversation, I have to admit that I enjoy the company of other cybersouls.

Today, April fool's provided the perfect opportunity for a good practical joke and so I posted some great news about my blog being published by a well known magazine, on my status. Only to find that so many friends were genuinely happy for me that it made me feel a bit guilty and kind of like I was letting them down by kidding about it, and so I was drawn to my online writing pad, to once again provide them with a blog to sink into, whilst I drown myself in thought.

Scared to death of dying

2011-03-22T21:45:00.000+01:00

Not quite sure how other people feel about death, but to me I think the fear of it is paralyzing at times, I freeze, gasp for breath and instantaneously feel my heart go into tachycardia. Lately I've been hearing horrid stories left and right, it seems everyone around me has something or other, or a friend with something or other and the chances of survival vary from huge to very slim.

Now according to statistics, the way to lead a healthy life, is plenty of exercise and nutritious food. This will decrease the risk of illnesses. I do not consider myself to lead the healthiest of lives...then again, most of the people I see affected seem to be the healthiest ones around; thin, athletic, healthy eaters, sporty etc. It leaves me with great fear, for; 'if they get ill, then I surely will ... (should)'...

No one knows when it's their day to 'depart', but somehow I feel more comfortable not thinking about it either. Head in the sand therapy. What you don't know won't harm you so to speak.

Today once again I received bad news, this time a young person with cancer, her chances...next to none. When you're young it tends to hit you harder, more aggressive and ruthlessly takes over leaving you without a fighting chance. Medicine will try it's hardest to beat it, but too often, in these cases, we find that it only extends the suffering. Still, those going through it seem to help those of us that will be left behind here, by showing their bravery and strength, each and everyone of them with a glow of supernatural light in their eyes. A spiritual strength that occurs only when the body is weakened. This phenomenon amazes me.

Often I have wondered what it would do to me, to find out I was (terminally) ill. The thought alone, creates panic and fear. Maybe I'm not sure if I would find that strength within me or maybe I'm afraid of the pain it may cause others, like my children. A combined feeling of 'what if I never see them grow up' and 'if I die now, they're too young to remember me'. A frightening thought either way.

I guess the trick is to find the fine line...where you look after your body as well as you can, and are sensible enough to go through regular check ups, without exaggeratedly worrying about them. And even when you do all this, there seems to be a 'script' already written, for sometimes, so very unforeseen to us, we find ourselves or someone else entering the turmoil of, for example cancer, without a single shield of protection or warning.

And then when push comes to shove, it turns out that however cliche, death is a part of life, and no one has yet managed to play hooky.
It's time for me to learn how to deal with this, if not for the sake of myself, for the sake of others, who I will help more by fearing less and mentally I will be able to handle it better if I don't let it affect me to the bone. Until it's my turn...and I pray that if and when that day comes, I too find that strength to pull me through, whatever the outcome.

So live today, like there is no tomorrow, and with that note, I'd like to end this blog of thought and dedicate it to all my friends and friends of friends, who today, tomorrow and in days to come will have to do just that. Be brave.

Solliciteren naar een baan-tje

2011-03-12T17:09:00.002+01:00

Goed, na twaalf jaar 'kont-zitten' (ja-ja, in de werkende-volksmond is dat de term die best het moederschap lijkt te typeren...), wil ik mezelf weer eens op de arbeidsmarkt werpen. Wat een sensatie zeg, 20 jaar na dato tussen de rommel, die ik ECHT van plan was om op een regenachtige dag tussen de bedrijven door te sorteren, op zoek te gaan naar mijn behaalde diploma's. Geen flauw idee waar ik die in vredesnaam heb weggemoffeld. Heb ik ze nog wel, en wat voor waarde hebben ze nu eigenlijk nog ?! Ondertussen merk ik dat ik ongelooflijk veel van die (onzinnige) feiten eigenlijk amper nodig heb gehad, en dat ik ook weer heel veel nuttigs heb geleerd door gewoon 'vallen en opstaan', maar nu, nu gaat het er weer even om wat ik toen kon....waar ik toen zo hard voor geleerd heb, en wat mij uiteindelijk dat mooie fijne papiertje genaamd diploma heeft bezorgd. Zoeken dus...

Jemig, waar begint een mens na twaalf jaar in hemelsnaam te zoeken naar werk ?! Ondertussen weet je ook wel erg goed wat je wel en niet leuk vindt in dit leven, dus sommige dingen vallen automatisch ofwel systematisch af....Ook ben je geen pittige twintiger meer in een kort rokje met cellulite vrije benen, maar een degelijk gevormde veertiger (of bijna veertiger) die blij is als het knoopje van de jeansbroek 's morgens dicht gaat, en officieel niet meer de deur uit kan zonder een klein, (laten we niet overdrijven) laagje make up...!!

Daar ga je dan als dappere Do Do, tussen de jonge meute, vol enthousiasme, moed en motivatie want dat huist zeker in dit mature lijf !! Op weg naar de allereerste sollicitatie. Een vroege afsrpraak, heel modern per mail en telefoon geregeld om de functie van 'redactrice' te bemachtigen. Gekleed in gepast ornaat, parkeer ik mijn auto om de hoek, en loop ik lekker door de frisse ochtend lucht naar het kantoor waar ik moet zijn. Er is geen bel, dus ben ik zo vrij om gewoon binnen te stappen. Nu weet ik, dat ik al twaalf jaar lang, niet echt meer op 'kantoren' kom, maar dat ze nu nog zo'n ruimte versieren met twee treurige potplanten die er waarschijnlijk al even veel jaren staan te verpieteren, verbaasde mij enigszins. De rest was kaal, koud en oud. Goed begin dus.

Ik was vroeg, dus ik mocht nog even op een stoeltje wachten op een op z'n minst, vreemd uitziend, mannetje dat mij zou interviewen. Ik werd naar een klein kamertje geleid, waar ik de verf van het plafond zag bladeren, en heb mezelf toen keurig voorgesteld. Alle papieren werden erbij gepakt en vervolgens bleek dat het mannetje dacht dat ik er voor een ander baantje zat. Na een correctie van mijn kant konden we weer verder. Ik was benieuwd naar waar ik terecht was gekomen aangezien ik op internet niets over dit bedrijf had kunnen vinden, dus vroeg ik belangstellend naar hun activiteiten, naar mijn functie en vooral ook naar de daar bijbehorende verwachtingen.

Ik had me op zeer veel voorbereid, maar niet op zijn antwoord, het rare meneertje begon te tieren, en draaide meerdere keren ongemakkelijk met zijn 'kont' op zijn stoel...ik stond perplex. Was het nu echt zo 'uit de tijd' om te vragen wat mijn baantje zou inhouden ?! Het bleek uiteindelijk, na zijn vreemde uitbarsting, te gaan om een flora en fauna brochure, waar de nodige adverteerders voor gezocht moesten worden, omdat anders mijn salaris niet betaald zou kunnen worden. Ik wist het direct, wegwezen hier, maar eerst moest ik een uitweg vinden om het netjes af te handelen, want zo ben ik nu éénmaal. Die kans kreeg ik.
Zoals ik afgeknapt was op het interieur en het vreemde gedrag van deze man, was hij denk ik afgeknapt op mijn Nederlandse accent, dus besloot hij maar te melden dat ik hele websites moest kunnen opzetten en maken, naast nog een paar zeer dubieuze andere taken. Nu ben ik al jaren uit de roulatie, maar redactie werk is geen volledige website maken (bij mijn weten); wel een soort 'inrichten', layouts verzinnen, foto's en artikels goed weten te plaatsen, teksten schrijven en zorgen dat alles goed gecoördineerd wordt om vervolgens een prachtige (in dit geval niet dus...) folder te drukken . Ik greep mijn kans en zei heel 'blond' ...'oh,maar meneer, dat kan ik echt niet hoor, zo'n website maken....ik vrees dat ik dan niet de aangewezen persoon ben voor dit werk, het spijt me, en ik wens u veel succes met het vinden van iemand anders.' Mijn ogen vielen op het stapeltje papier dat hij onder mijn cv had liggen, en toen voegde ik nog aan mijn relaas toe, dat hij vast een geschikte kandidaat zou vinden in die dikke stapel sollicitaties. Hij keek me geërgerd aan, gaf me een hand en bitsig wenste hij me nog veel succes met het vinden van een baan. Ik zou mezelf niet zijn geweest als ik niet super vrolijk en positief zou hebben gezegd, 'dank u meneer, dat gaat mij zeker lukken' !!! ;-)

Opgelucht verliet ik dat muffe kantoor en terwijl ik naar mijn auto liep en weer frisse lucht kon inademen, bedacht ik mij dat het toch wel erg typisch was dat dit MIJ toch weer moest overkomen, mijn leven blijkt iedere dag weer een grote verrassing, en het kwartiertje schaterlachen dat zich nadien voordeed in de privacy van mijn eigen auto, moet de mensen die mij voorbij zagen rijden ook een vrolijke dag bezorgd hebben.

Post -flu- life

2011-02-17T11:21:00.002+01:00

I've often noticed that when my kids are ill, and suffer from fevers, that a while after recovery they seem to have made some sort of incredible jump in life. Be it in actual growth, or intellectual ability. It's as if whatever illness they went through jump starts the body into the next level. And it's been like that every single time.

This time, I got the flu, it hit me unexpectedly and hard. There was no other option but to lie in bed and sleep, waiting patiently for it to make its hit and run. And that's exactly how it felt, as if I'd been hit and run over...!
I'm not a very patient patient to say the least, and I prefer taking a few painkillers and just getting on with life, but this time round my trick wasn't gonna do the trick.

I woke up feeling as if I'd been hit by a number of cars, and then bulldozed over just to really crunch those last left over intact bones. Too weak to get up, too weak to move, I could only think how strong willed my friend with breast cancer must be, to keep 'surviving' each chemo-hit, that leaves her probably in an even worse state than this 'innocent' flu left me. There and then I decided that I have great respect for her, and all others going through that hell, yet always finding the courage to continue.

So, kind of feeling like a man having the 'man-flu', weak, tired and sorry for myself. The only option was to just let it hit me and be done with it. Easier said than done, with 3 kids expecting their mom to beat anything.

I found out that children don't quite like having a mom, who's not supermom....and stays in bed all day, moaning and groaning, in pj's and with a volcanic hairstyle from all the tossing and turning. Great help though from my eldest who really did sympathise and took over like a real pro. I'd like to take credit for her great caring heart, but it's not me she gets it from. I'm a lot tougher when someone is sick, whilst she makes you feel cared for and pampered.

Exes can be 'handy' at these times, for they can entertain and take the kids with them, to give you some much needed rest and peace and quiet.
Even so, I don't remember much of the past few days, as I was in and out of sleep most of the time, only coming out of bed to help co-ordinate meals and lunchboxes. Strange, how you miss out on a few days yet life goes on as usual.

After spending 3 days in bed, I woke up and felt my body had returned, the aches and pains were gone and it felt like total bliss, I was back...weak, and pale, but back !!!

Like I said though, these things come in pairs.....and not only had I been ill, but a strange new life was there by the time I woke up to feeling better. A life that is filled with great changes, uncertainty, and new expectations. I'm a little weary of it, but know that as usual things will turn out the way they should, in the end.
The pre-flu-me, has turned into post-flu-me, and with that I take careful steps into unknown territory, praying that karma sticks with me and I keep seeing the bright side of life in all that is to come.

Midlife

2011-02-07T10:35:00.001+01:00

Turned 38...to the tune of my daughters' first contrived song lyrics. What a delight !!! I don't think I've ever felt that emotionally struck, or is it because I'm growing older !? The sentiment of it all hit a chord in my heart and out flowed the tears of happiness and great pride. I must say my kids aren't perfect, because no one is or should be, but they have their heart in the right place and that's what counts !!

It's not even a week later and already I am showing signs of old age...my shoulder is excruciatingly painful and I'm probably suffering from some sort of infection or other, which makes it hard to do almost anything, from strapping on my bra in the mornings to finding a comfortable position to fall a sleep in at night. But as we all know life goes on and I'm pretty sure there are much worse things I could be suffering from. So, even though I'm in pain, I'm thankful it's a temporary thing.

Now that I'm nearing my fortieth birthday, slowly but surely, time seems to leap instead of steadily move along like it used to. Why is that ?! Why does it feel like I'm already halfway through life ?! I'm not quite sure I like it, I don't enjoy the idea that I may be entering the latter half of it all. That my youthful years may lie behind me, as if 'season one' of my life is finished and 'season two' is about to air, and as commonly known, season two never seems to outshine the first one.

So what awaits in the second half of life ?! Through the agitation of what may come, I also feel an utter calm. A feeling of peace, that seems to grow within me as the days, months and years keep ticking away. The satisfaction of having brought children into the world is a great one. Something I am proud of and still enjoy every single day being a stay at home mother.

Realising that even though we are no longer a family that lives under one roof together, we will always be connected by that essential word ..'family', even though in time we will all end up going our separate ways. There is nothing that can break the bond we have and 'coming home' will always mean the same. Because in essence we are 'fund-and-mentally' linked for life.

So, having fixed my shoulder with a shot of cortisone ( a medication I used to associate with 'old people' ..). I can once again fold laundry, clean, cook, make love and kick some ass !!

Determined to make the best 'part two', possible, I proceed through my midlife crisis and enjoy the craziness that comes with it, for there is no way, I will go back to being the boring young girl that I used to be.

In life, unlike in the movies, I think it may actually only get better !!!

Olivia's Blog !!

2011-01-25T20:47:00.011+01:00

I apologise to my English readers, as I am proudly posting my daughter Olivia's first blog and it's in Dutch. To those of you who can read it, ENJOY !!! :-)

Hallo

ik ben Lara en dit is het verhaal over

liefde

het begon op een gewone schooldag.

Ik was aan het spelen met mijn vriendinnen.

toen gebeurde het. ik stond oog in oog

met Hendrick.

(Ik ben verliefd op Hendrick.

Hij is zo knap.

Ik weet nooit iets te zeggen als ik

hem tegenkom.Ik zeg meestal niks.

Want ik wil niet laten merken dat ik

op hem verliefd ben.En dan loop ik

gewoon weer verder)

Op dat moment wou ik sterk zijn.

Ik moet het ooit wel eens zeggen.

Maar het enige woord dat er uitkwam

was hhhh....hhh..hallo.

Ooh. Ik schaam me zo.

Niet voor mijn vriendinnen want die weten het al.

Nee.Voor de groep jongens die erbij stonden.

Ze waren me aan het uitlachen.

Ik haat die lui. Ze pesten iedereen hier

op school. Ik denk dat ik ze eens terug zal

pakken. Maar hoe?

Met deze letters waren ze me ook al aan het pesten.

hgahneiguheofigjhdbejhtlkehirthgosthu

dhfwhhhhyjtjudtumkutlticliu.

Dat heb ik alle andere keren gezegd.

Ja ik weet het raar.

Maar dat van vandaag was wel al wat

beter. Toch?

Ik moet alleen meer oefenen.

Nog iets. Hendrick zit in mijn klas.

Dat is nog niet het ergste.

Nee, zijn hele groepje ook.

Ik word er gek van.

En na school dan.

raad eens wat ze deden?

hhh...hhh..hallo.

Maar Hendrick deed niks.

Volgens mij heeft hij een oogje op me.

Ik droomde dat Hendrick me

verdedigde tegen die jongensgroep.

Ik hoop maar dat die droom uitkomt.

En raad eens het was waar.De jongensgroep wou me weer

pesten maar

Hendrick zij nee. Zou ik vragen waarom hij

dat deed? Ik weet het niet hoor.

Ik denk dat hij dat deed omdat hij me

gister zo verdrietig zag. Maar ik zal het toch eens vragen.

Voor de zekerheid.Toen ik die avond thuiskwam was ik

gek geworden. Ik was aan het gillen.

Niet omdat ik boos was. Nee.van blijdschap.

Ik vroeg hem namelijk of hij op mij was. En hij zij ja!!!

Ooh. Ik ben zo blij dat hij geen nee zei.

Want ja anders zou ik niet zo blij thuis zijn gekomen.Toch?

Ik kwam terug op school en Hendrick gaf me een kus

op de mond. Ik heb dat nog nooit meegemaakt.

Maar toen kwam de jongensgroep weer.

Ze hebben gezien dat Hendrick mij gekust heeft op de mond.

Maar ze stopten met pesten.

Het leek alsof ze accepteerden dat

Hendrick samen was met mij.

En zo ontstaat de vrede

tussen De jongensgroep en

Hendrick en mij

EINDE!!!

Olivia - 25-01-2011

Je kunt nu ook naar :

'Olliesblogje'

Friends

2011-01-24T22:06:00.000+01:00

Why is it, that the older we get, the more demanding we become in the friendships we have.This sets us up, for disappointments that we may only have ourselves to blame for. At times expectations are high, and if we don't comply with what friends expect of us, we appear rude and uncaring. Other times we are the ones who feel back stabbed or disillusioned, by our friends' actions. In times of personal need we easily feel neglected when everybody is too busy with their own life, to care, and we also feel taken advantage of and hurt when the friendship appears mainly one sided. Sometimes we may even find ourselves competing for first place award in the fraternity league, stepping over everyone and anyone who may get in the way.

So what is it we want, and truly expect from our friends ?! Should we give as much as we get ?! Do friendships thrive on co-depency or is that exactly what kills them ?! What is the right balance ?!

In this world of constant turbulence and desire for more and better, we even put our friends through the 'are-you-good-enough-for-my-needs' test. We want them to be there for us unconditionally, yet we know that it is something we ourselves might not even be prepared to offer. We expect so much for so little in return. It doesn't seem fair or even logical. How can we want something we won't even value once ours. It baffles me that we are greedy enough to feel entitled to a luxury good we can't truly afford, that of true friendship, for only when we offer the same thing in return this becomes a fair trade.

I often wonder what example we may be setting for our younger generations, we've gone back to Darwinian times where it seems that 'survival of the fittest' is what counts. Hereby eradicating all other options. It is slowly becoming a very egocentric world, where only that which we ourselves most want, matters. This is where the 'trouble' starts if you ask me. By putting our needs before others constantly, we neglect what may be the more preferable option in specific situations. No consideration is taken for others and therefore we end up living in a 'theatrical play' that we nowadays most commonly call 'friendship'. But this type of friendship has nothing to do with real friendship, it is just a weak extract of the true commitment it ought to be.

Through thick and thin, is one of the key elements I believe, and like in other relationships love and empathy lie at the base, a kind of love that cares and protects. One that accepts the good with the bad, because we're all human and none of us is perfect.

When I was a little girl I learnt a rhyme at school :

Make new friends, but keep the old,
One is silver but the other gold.

It struck a chord that kept me in tune with what friendship entails.

I have to admit that it is not always easy and it's also not possible to befriend anyone and everyone. There are people with whom there just isn't a connection however hard we may try. Sometimes I catch myself not being a good enough friend, putting my needs before my friends' needs. Somehow though I think that is where we find the balance, in learning when it's time to give and when it's ok to receive. One thing that may characterize a good from a great friendship is the amount of effort we put into the giving and the thankfulness that goes into receiving.

For what it's worth, friendships are valuable and fragile and maybe we should all try a little harder to see the wonder of it all, a little more often. Stopping to think about how much that other person really means to you. Learning to appreciate one another in good times and bad times, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, because many, many friendships outlast any other kind of commitment !!!

Weighing in

2011-01-17T10:55:00.000+01:00

New year and even though the skies are cloudy and grey mostly, the spirit is up. Some things just gotta go different this year ! Old patterns die hard and new ones aren't easy to stick to, but this year it's not a matter of choice. It has to be done, and it has to be done good.

Lately I think I felt a bit like a pot plant, left to wither and not flourish, figured that anything would help me grow and stay healthy, but without adding the right ingredients it turned out to be a foolish thought indeed. So, as the ground at my roots dried out and formed cracks I was surviving on the last little bits of energy left within me. I felt flaccid, just like the poor pot plant.

It's time to quench the thirst, and fertilize. And so, I have started drinking water again, lots of it, something that I just seemed to forget to do, during the day. As you may know, when you pour water onto dried out soil, it doesn't really sink in, it just makes the soil float...and so I drift...a little lost for now but knowing that one of these days the water will slowly drench the soil and therefore me too. Slowly but surely it will seep through my pores. As I'm hoping other stuff will sink in too...given time.

So, not only 'watering' is taking place but proper feeding as well, in the hope that I will re energize a bit, for I have felt pretty drained these last few months physically and mentally.

Day 4...the water seems to have irrigated my body, it's making my skin feel creamier and more supple even wrinkles are looking softer. I think I like this !! Not there yet of course but for day four, it's looking pretty promising.

I know we shouldn't diet to try to look like page 3 models, and so that is not my motivation. Mine is looking and feeling healthy again, by thinking about what I eat, instead of just stuffing myself with bars of chocolate, handful's of crisps and practically anything that appears in front of me. At one point even the air I was breathing made me gain weight, that's when I realized I was g(r)asping for the wrong things in life. I guess I'm trying to become more conscious of what goes in now. I don't want to bore you with the details, but believe me, it's a good thing in my case.

January is my most crucial month as all us girls have our birthday to celebrate and therefore lots of cake and party to deal with !! I've survived one, 2 left to go !!
Today was my first 'weigh in' and eventhough I've secretly weighed myself' 'in between' and know the weight has fluctuated, it is now back to what I started with, but I refuse to feel disappointed. I'm sure it's just a case of my body getting used to this new treatment. Feeling more saturated, I think it's just a matter of time before the actual weightloss will kick in.

To be honest I too look forward to any phsychological changes it may bring about, curious to find out if the Latin saying... " Mens sana in corpore sano" turns out to be true, for my head has been weighed down long enough by constant doubts and thoughts.

Wishing myself lots of perseverance and great fun searching for yummy recipes with healthy alternatives at the start of this new year !!

Re-Solutions

2010-12-30T16:16:00.002+01:00

This year is coming to an end and as usual we will all want to start the year with new and improved resolutions as we re-solution our old habits and faults. It has become tradition to make an attempt to better ourselves at the start of every year. Because it seems that that is the only moment we can truly start out fresh. A clean slate, and many many intentions to re-try this new year. Frankly, all my old attempts seemed to have failed by January 5th and those that were left, got pushed along the year until they finally moved on to the next year. Some things were up to me and others just things I wished for and therefore had little control over. This year is going to be different. I will have been separated for 5 years, I'm turning 38 and I think it's time to make some mid life plans

Things that make you 'umpf'....I plan to reintroduce laughter and fun, empathy and patience. Stuff that will make mine and everyone else's life better, brighter and so much more fulfilling. Something that will un-regrettably be put away this year is my quest for romantic love. If I am to experience it, it will have to find me as I no longer plan to look for it.

It's time to enjoy home cooked dinners with friends and family again, evenings with the 'girls' watching movies and sobbing away tears through recognisable joy and pain. The kids need a happy and stable mother too, one that knows what she wants, and especially what she doesn't want !! Because let's not forget that it is evenly important to stand for either one of those things. We need to once again form the great team that we are capable of being, and with all that in mind and heart, I think that it will be a year to prosperously look ahead to !

A year of re-bonding, re-joicing, re-lating and mostly re-solutions. May all of you out there find this year what you most miss and may you work on things that you do not want to have to do without.
May the small things become important again, and treasurable, may pain and anger find padded refuge to quietly sit and not grow out of proportion. May this year bring softness and kindness within our hearts, so that we make room for others as well as ourselves.

Most of all, may this year bring solutions to all the things we've tried and re-tried to accomplish. I look forward to going back to basics so that all the extra's once again become a treat.

To all a Happy New Year, and may all your good will prosper !!!

2011...

Christmas Spirit !!

2010-12-23T18:31:00.000+01:00

Christmas should be a jolly and happy time, spent with family and or friends, but for many it is not the easiest time of the year. Poverty, loneliness, illness and many other factors can make this season extra tough on some. I would like to ask all my blog readers to each do ONE; just ONE act of kindness this Christmas season for someone in need. Anything, as long as you touch someone's heart and fill it with the warmth that Christmas Spirit ought to bring about.

It's time for those of us who are so lucky, to extend our hearts to others.

Please come back and share your stories, and may this Christmas bring us all the Spirit of Kindness, Love and Empathy.

xxx The Loca Lady !

The Christmas Basket Case

2010-12-20T10:28:00.001+01:00

By golly another year has flown by so quickly that it seems I'm still trying to get the same gifts that I was last year. Every year I think I'll have plenty of time to get into the 'Christmas spirit' and buy the most carefully picked, personal and appropriate gifts for family and friends, and every year, I forget what I had thought of getting them, and of course find that my budget allows no such expense anyway.

This year we seem blessed with a beautiful yet modern-day-traffic-paralytic snow white landscape. One that Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and only those in the 'olden days' seemed to have had, and so inspired their cosy holiday Christmas tunes.

As traditions go, I seem to have a 'thing' with my Christmas tree. It's a fake one, about 12 years old and even though I still treat it lovingly, I think it's fed up with me and my decor. We seem to get along so poorly that for the third year in a row now, I've had to decorate it and redecorate it at least twice before we even reach Christmas Eve. Trouble is, it's not very stable, adding to that, that I insist on putting it into a 'proper' decorative basket, for it to look its part, so it stands unstable and topsy-turvy and of course always ends up taking a dive !!!

I have cried bitter tears over this, for I have felt it to be a personal failure and lack of girl power. Still, I refuse to let this tree spoil my holiday season by tumbling down every single time on me. It's as if it wants to tell me, that it's useless to keep the decorations up, that if I don't properly position it and support it, no matter how gorgeous I make it look, it won't stand. Basic rules I suppose, which apply to anything and everything in life. So why do I keep on stubbornly stuffing this tree in the same basket for going on 12 years now ?! And why did it stay standing all those first years ?!

I guess we need to lay a good foundation to build upon, and I just simply haven't done that yet. I keep wanting to use parts of the 'old stuff' (read: basket/broken foundation) to rebuild, and I think that every year at Christmas time, the poor tree is trying to make a point. And so, for yet another year, the tree has been done up twice already, and still, it leans towards 'a fall', something that seems unavoidable still.

I guess my Christmas wish for this year is that we all find that which we need in order to stay standing, to overcome, to prevail, to succeed and most of all to truly and triumphantly stand tall and sturdy, in order to carry our life and all its ornaments with pride and glory. May this next year bring us the tools to do just that, and in the meantime, please pray with me, that this year's tree remains poised for just that little bit longer...

A work of Art

2010-12-16T14:12:00.003+01:00

Fools rush in and all is fair in love and war, right?! I have decided enough is enough. Enough countless years alone, enough horrid dates leading nowhere, enough agony over my utterly low self esteem, when it comes to men and relationships and how I should look, according to 'God knows who', to be honest. Enough overthinking every single little dilemma a million times. It's time to,.. not just take but grab the bull by its horns and live. Just LIVE.

For someone, like me, who literally thinks herself sick, this will be a great task, one that I am not sure I will succeed at, but I have never been more determined in my life. It is time to let go and enjoy, to smell the scent of summer rain, and feel the cold of winter pain in every limb. No restrictions just plain learning to accept that maybe, just maybe, someone might actually mean it when they say they want to be with me, this time. Haven't I been wishing just that for years now ?!

So I'm quitting the moaning, and groaning and making another attempt at actually not giving a damn ~~shit~~ about what the rest of the world thinks or what I may think is the right or wrong thing to do. Leaving intact of course the ground rules of life and basic blueprint of it. Dizzy with excitement and carrying new expectations, I slowly awaken to the warmth of a soul reaching out to me, believing in me, more than I have believed in myself for a long time. I am absolutely sure that this new and daring approach will throw me ahead. It feels like I've finally exfoliated and scrubbed off all the 'old stuff'. I take off my cloak of sadness and remorse, and bare my soft and vulnerable skin again to a new dawn.

Maybe we should all do this from time to time. I read in Paolo Coelho's blog *, that when we turn the light on in our souls we will instantly encounter cobwebs, signifying the things we like the least about ourselves. So once in a while it's good to clean and clear the soul of all it's rubble and trouble. We're only human, yes, but it's exactly what makes us capable of change. So no use sitting around doing nothing about it.

It's funny how we can think we want something and framework it into our life, only to find that some things just won't fit in as we had hoped or wished. Some things come in different shapes and sizes but that doesn't make them any less important or fitting. It's the art of framing this into our life that makes us true artists. Daring to 'draw' outside the lines of patterns that never seemed possible, and pouring in the right colours, or elements will complete our work of art to make it something we can be proud of. Our own frame of mind is then formed, always leaving room for improvement and adjustments.

So, I'm carefully pencilling in fresh new lines, and painting rainbows in my sky. I suggest you do the same for as we paint our life on everyday canvas, we'll find that hope is born out of faith and love just follows. As love does.

* Paolo Coelho's blog http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/12/11/cobwebs/

Life of Riches 3

2010-12-10T12:42:00.000+01:00

Time to discuss the wealthy life of our youth !! Living in this luxurious small piece of the country, it's only logical that even our children's lives are affected by our acquired richdom. From baby Ugg's to Dolce Gabbana play outfits for garden parties. Why buy cheap if you can buy brands, and what better way to show how much money you actually have than by spending it on useful/less outfits for ever careful and grateful kids. Always keeping in mind that we're actually helping others, for the invested outfits will be donated as 'nearly-new' or 'worn-only-once' to the poor, because when you have so much to choose from, nothing gets worn (out) !! I'm sure the children of third world countries have much use for these juicy, well marketed brands, if only to alphabetize themselves !

I contemplated slowly introducing you to the world of children's parties, but there is just no way of keeping it subtle. They range from full blown outings to Disney Land in Paris with a handful of ~~brats~~ darlings; to a cosy home 'happening' with their favorite artist on stage. Children adapt so easily don't they, it's so cute to hear them say that they've seen it all a thousand times before. How rich and valuable their lives have been so far, who else can boast about this at their age and how lucky they are.

We fulfill their every need, hoping that for a little while they will be satistfied, but each time it turns out a new rage finds it's way into the schools and shops. Of course all the other parents have caved in and supplied their kids with the new goodies, so we cannot be left behind. The toy shops we no longer dare to enter for fear of knowing that we will not reach the exit without a handful of expensive items that will be old news tomorrow. Our children pleading to us that this time will be the last time they beg us for anything. Of course we believe them, and to stop their pain, we provide them with just that little bit more.

To make sure they not only receive material love, we accommodate them with plenty of sports and extra curricular activities, preferably driven by a nanny or carpool-mom-team. Never forgetting that we need to take our own 'zen' time-out, for qualitative family time, later...

There is one thing that remains, unfeigned, and that is our love for them, for no matter how spoiled our children become, they are a product of ourselves and we will always love them. I can't help but wonder though, whether we are producing loveable human beings, or abominable 'aliens', who may never again settle into what life on this earth should be about to begin with. I guess in 20 years I will be able to provide us all with a more accurate answer, although something tells me, we may not want to know this outcome.

For now let's party on and keep the indulgence level as high as possible, we wouldn't want the next door neighbour to think we care less about our kids than they do about theirs, would we ?! ;-)

Dot dot dot....

2010-12-07T14:02:00.000+01:00

Upon reading an email I received the other day, it occured to me that in writing, we sometimes leave a sentence 'unfinished' and use '...' (three dots) to 'end' it. It got me thinking about how much is actually 'unwritten' in those few dots, and it dawned on me that it's often so much more than in all the actual words it was preceded by.

The dots are put in place for us to pause and think about their meaning. Mainly so that we fill in the blanks with assumptions, careful that we don't completely miss the point that was supposed to be made by them. It's a kind of 'no man's land' where words and meanings can get lost or found. Where we sometimes like to place the unknown or unspoken. That which ought not to be said out loud, only ponderd. It is what we sometimes want and wish for but do not dare to openly expect. It is what we say, when we have no words left to say it.

The silence of the dots is not silent at all, if you think about it. Even though we see no words, a multitude of them may fill that dotted line, expressing so much more than the actual words ever could. It is an entire 'world' of thoughts and wishes that opens up with only one key ... three dots and the magical world opens.

Which brings me back to the email itself. It was one written by a lovely person, who lives in his safe and predictable comfort zone, someone who rarely steps outside his personal borders, but who is now about to embark on the biggest adventure possible for him. A foreign country, far away from friends and family. A leap into the unknown, across the point of no return, and even though a return ticket has already been booked, the outcome of his journey remains unknown for now. Time will tell, I suppose, in his case, as this time his clock is ticking and there is no way back to the comfort zone that there once was. Everything must change. Seasons come and seasons go, but never quite the same.
The message I received was left open ended by 3 famous dots, the ones that hold the key to the unexpected outcome of what his travels may bring about.

It is when we step outside the lines, of what we're used to, that we see new things, and experience the novelty of unchartered territories. Just like the sentence with a dotted open ending, we too must sometimes dare to leave some blanks if only to enable us to see or feel the new frontiers. Once in a while though step on to a dot and use it as the stepping stone it's meant to represent, taking us far and beyond that which we may be able to express only in words.

It is there, in the silence of no words that so much is said.
Life may just be all about our travels on that dotted line .....

For God's Sake

2010-11-29T17:54:00.003+01:00

To be honest I think it sounds very uncool to 'love yourself', it's one of those terms I feel only meditative spiritual people use, and frankly, I don't think of myself as a spiritual person so much, even though my life seems to have become a stream of filosofical ideas put into words every once in a while. But, having come to the conclusion that that (loving yourself that is) is what must be done, it leaves me no choice but to try and find a way to do so, within my self defined spiritual being.

In times of (great) need, people turn to anything or anyone they can to find strength, courage and especially hope. It may be sought after in weekly yoga or pilates, in hobbies and work, or, as in many cases in a form of religion. For God seems to be the person we turn to in times of trouble. I am seldom a truly religious person, and shamefully admit that it has mostly only been in times of need. I believe there is a God out there however, but not at all the type of God we are told about in church or school. 'God' has always felt more like a good friend, a companion of (difficult) journeys, always, bestowing upon me a sense of safety. Accomodating me with an aura of 'being around', whenever, wherever, all I need to do is talk to Him, like I would to any other good and faithful friend. He has kindly been the one to love me through thick and thin....however awful I thought myself to be.

I have often referred to God as 'The Man Upstairs' because when I think of 'Him', I feel his presence overlooking me. We seem to have been through a lot 'together' and even though, I don't always feel that I should summon him, because there are numerous others with more desperate needs. Still, I have never felt Him leave my side for even a single moment.

No, I am not trying to make anyone a believer who is not, or force a 'religion' onto anyone. All I want to say, is that in some strange way, I have never felt alone, it's like someone has always been around, and in my worst moments, He has been my zone of comfort, hope and faith. Always there to talk to, cry to and laugh with. I have no idea what 'kind' of God, He may actually be, or which 'religion' He may be most asscociated with. All I know is that there has always been a sense of unconditional friendship, emerging from this entity, and to me He's been a kind of 'backup-guy', best described by his unique and universal name 'God'.

Challenging and difficult times cause people to search for this backup and support. Just knowing He is there helps you to start climbing your problem mountains, and that is when you once again start believing in yourself, and surely the act of loving yourself should closely follow. It's as magical as that. Right?!

In our 'rich' and 'overindulgent' society, we are saturated with what we think is all we want, jobs, attention, power and wealth, leaving no room whatsoever for a 'God person' to be a part of our lives. He becomes disposable, up until the moment that a crisis hits our lives.

It is not exceptional that inhabitants of Third World Countries suffering from poverty, natural disasters and all sorts of other problems, house whole 'herds' of people who go to church, and pray to God. These are people in continuous crisis situations, looking for answers, for comfort and maybe even for acceptance and help from others through Him. Desperately believing in His omnipotent power.

So to get back to my quest of self love, should we love ourselves with the same aptitude God has to love us, or is it ok to just let Him do all the caring, in return for our best behaviour as human beings?!

I catch myself being thankful to God, in my moments of great need, yet 'forgetting' to thank him, when all is 'seemingly' going right. A trait I do not specifically like about myself, for it is in times of no need that we should be most thankful and not the other way around, for God's sake !!!

Miss Insecurity

2010-11-22T12:19:00.002+01:00

As you may have noticed by now, and have kindly neglected to mention to me, I seem to be strolling the same circles over and over again, just different versions of it. To my surprise, someone had the courage to open up with her story and with that, plant a thought in my head, that confronted me with what may really be the issue, yet so incredibly hard to face. Something, I may not quite know how to deal with or improve, just yet. Something, I have been told many a time. Something I kept pushing into the 'no way' corner, only to keep beating around the same bush repeatedly. Something, that I know a lot of us forget about because it's so easy to take for granted....

I have desperately ached to be loved again, not by my kids or friends, because they have loved me plenty, but by a man, so that I could feel 'worthwhile' again, to prove to myself that I am still loveable and a good person. I have kept looking for those things in what I received, and to be honest for a long time the men in my life have not helped to give me any sense of self value at all, and I have kept sinking a little deeper each time, not noticing, not understanding why. One day, out of knowhere I happened to be the best thing in the world to a new man in my life, I was thrilled, happy that I was still worth something to someone and that feeling is like a drug. I feel I'm on an all-time high. Ecstatic that I mean something still, not just 'something' but 'so much of everything' to that person. Rejoicing that someone is now willing and able to stand by me, through all of life's rains and sunshines.

But what happens when the rose coloured cloud slowly starts fading away, and that which is in escence still the issue you have been secretly battling, starts seeping through again, because remember; 'you're still stuck on that roundabout, until you've learned your lesson and get to go to the next level', however much someone else may think of you....at any given time.

We call these levels, phases, phases of life, because each time we learn we move on to the next phase, and if we're very lucky and willing, we reach a state of contentment by the time our time on earth is done. Something I'm sure is not easy and maybe not always possible or even achievable. To those of us who don't worry too much and don't think too deep, this is not an issue at all. Those people lead less complicated lives, and who knows maybe even more happy ones. But to me, an emotional-over-thinker, this leads to inner torture at times, for I keep yearning to reach that next level, to learn, to take in, and to explore the why's.

And so, when my good friend opened up to me, with her story, something in me made a mental click. I have been looking for the love I need in all the wrong places.....it is not in the local bar, or at social events, it's not at the sports activities or even hidden in an unexpected encounter....it is not even in the man that thinks the world of me. It's been here all along....inside of ME, yet unreachable to me, because you see, if you don't love yourself, then any love you get will not properly reach you anyway!! It will only fill in all the blanks you have, the things you lack, the doubts you feel, and all this, only for a little while, for the soul has a way of stating the obvious and reminding you that the heart is lost and lonely if you choose to neglect it.

Of course this seems so easy a task, but let me tell you, that there is no more difficult a task than this one, for someone who has so many insecurities and little self belief. Suddenly the façade of our own image is unveiled, the truth of how we think so little of ourselves. So much so little, that we were prepared to take anything to just believe that little tiny bit, that maybe, just maybe, we were still worth something, to someone.

A light has been ignited within me protruding it's bright rays of truth, and clarity. Pointing this most obvious fact out to me. It will be the beginning of a new awakening. For now however, I must slowly let this sink in, and like all in life changes, should be made slowly, not in haste, for that is when we stay stuck. Hopefully learning from the 'mistakes' we may have made along the way, but trying not to make the same ones over and over again.

To me the realisation that there are others out there going through the same hurdles some ahead of me, and some behind me, helps. It soothes, comforts, and above all gives me strength to carry on this quest, to believe, trust and love the one person that I can....myself !!!

Having said all that.....how the heck does one go about that ?!

A Thank You Note

2010-11-13T14:07:00.003+01:00

In total disbelief that perfect isn't perfect when you're not feeling it....I find myself grateful for the love that came my way, yet I couldn't reciprocate it. However hard I wanted to and tried, something was missing. Not sure what and why though, and very convinced that it wasn't in what I received but in what I couldn't give.

Wondering if all the love I had has just run out....or whether I will never be able to love as much and therefore always feel the lack of it. Maybe misinterpreting what's left, for there not being enough.

It seems unfair to only take and not give, to receive and not offer. When you get something in abundance, at first it seems enough to carry all, but once the daylight hours hit, the rays of sun point out the cracks. Not wanting to face those we stuff them with good intentions and pretty promises, but the brightness of the truth still has a way of peeping through the holes. Always bringing to light the things we do not want to see.

Feeling a majestic sense of loss, I choose to travel my path alone again. In the knowledge that I will do fine, but missing the warmth and comfort of that person walking right beside me every step of the way, bearing in mind that we should never walk together just because we are afraid to walk alone. Having said that, I feel that in my case I may be so afraid of walking together again that the path alone seems easier, less complicated and more comfortable. Sad but true.

With a sense of great appreciation and gratitude for what unexpectedly came my way, and struggling to find my bearings once again, I continue this path utterly thankful for the unconditional bliss that I was blessed with.
Scared to death that by saying goodbye for all the right reasons, I may never find what I was so generously given, ever again.

But like all in life, we live and we learn, only if we dig do we get deeper, and only if we think do we figure things out, nothing ever came of any dreamer who didn't live it out.* So considering this in mind and heart, I set a course once again on this journey of unbelievable wonders.

*Alain Clark

Long-ly-ness

2010-11-05T15:02:00.000+01:00

It's been a while but all of a sudden I remembered that when you're in a relationship for a long time, and by long time I mean more than a few years or so. Some things change. The spark isn't quite the spark it used to be, even though the level of mutual comfort has grown tremendously. You no longer feel the need to look or act your best, assuming that your partner knows you by now, and accepts your preference for walking around in your sweat pants (the word sounds sloppy and smelly, yet we don't seem bothered by the connotation).

The funny thing about being together for so long is that arousement occurs at the most awkward times. I'm sure many women will agree that the moment they start cooking and stirring in the pots and pans, their hubby will feel the irresistible need to grope her. Now this is exactly the time you shouldn't try to get attention from your wife, as she will most certainly push you away and tell you to keep your hands to yourself because she's busy and by no means does she see herself going into a full blown sexual frenzy.

The other side of this coin however is that hubby will feel utterly rejected at his most 'vulnerable' moment, you see, often men express themselves easier by touch than by talk. If you dismiss his attempts often enough, something happens; his ego and love for you slowly start to break down.

Another longevity oddity, is that there is never quite the right time to make love anymore, it's usually left for the evenings when both partners find themselves exhausted in front of the TV playing couch potato. Often one of them retires to bed before the other making it slightly impossible to sleep together...in the full sense of the word. So the sexual act is left for Sunday mornings, and all of a sudden the one thing you could never get enough of has become a once-a-week-activity or in some cases even a weekly chore, if practiced at all. No one seems to blame but the lack of time and energy. It is a shame we 'forget' how good it feels to get some affection and how energizing it can be, let alone how little time actually matters when you're having fun.

The thing is ....the less you're intimate with your partner, the more you lose that crucial intimacy, and the bigger the 'I-may-fall-in-love-with-someone-else' gap grows. Only to result in painful struggles and separations caused by a mere taking for granted of the bond you both thought you had. Something that seems so obviously easily corrected, all of a sudden turns into the other person feeling understood, pampered, taken notice of and aknowledged, but all of this by someone else. Someone new, someone who doesn't mind stopping the stirring for a passionate kiss or grope, because the newness of it all is so exciting and exhilarating.

By no means should this send you into a panic of quick and steamy kitchen sex in front of hungry children, but it serves to remind us all that it is in the littlest things we need to keep finding each other, and if we neglect those, we neglect each other and it's possible we may have clustered a great problem for ourselves then, one so huge it may not untangle back into the small bits.

So treasure the quickest of moments for they may fly by and leave you with the longest of times, alone.

Full Circle

2010-10-24T20:59:00.000+02:00

I am officially dating a younger man !!!

Terrified that the world would be shocked but finding myself most 'struck' of all, I come to my blog to find some solace. Months of inner torture have preceded this act of 'living la vida loca'. Always struggling with what 'I am expected to do' and what 'I want to do'. Life seems to have thrown at me a huge challenge and great adventure. Yet feeling a bit wary and wondering how it may affect my children and their lives and views, and that of family and friends. Hoping no one gets hurt and trying to imagine how two such different lives will combine in real life situations. Daring to jump into the deep end, realising that if I don't I'll never know....and that in fact all relationships are a blind dive into unknown territory, and always carry the risk of pain or failure. But when it comes to love, you need to dare because if you don't, it will pass right by you.....

It took one deep fall into my past pains and unfounded fears, to realize that the person who had appeared into my life, was prepared to bear through the good and the bad days, to accept me as I am, and to not only like me, but my children also. Anything and everything about me, (to him), is what makes me who I am. As unbelievable as I might find this....it is slowly but steadily becoming a reliable reality. My trust issues still haunt me, and pop up now and again and a lot of doubts still cross my mind, but it helps that they can be discussed and talked about now.

It is like learning how to walk again after years of being bedridden. Each and every new step is taken slowly, carefully and with great excitement and pride, but sometimes it is tough and exhausting and you feel you cannot bring yourself to it anymore...I now see that that is when the other person's love and affection carries you that, so important, 'extra mile'.

So, embarking on extremely new territory and with no clue as to where this will go, and how the world will look upon us, we bravely (well, the bravery credit must go to him, for I am nowhere near as brave) tread the waters of the unknown !!!

Like I have often said before, life brings us challenges and possibilities in the strangest of wrappings, and it is up to us to unwrap and unravel them cautiously and with a desire to explore them as best we can.

In my case years of living according to rules and regulations, have been replaced by living la vida loca it seems, but I must say that it makes me happy, aware of all the beauty life has offered and feeling as well balanced as any other person. So with this new foundation of creativity, joy and open spirit, I must admit I feel revived, alive and kickin' !!!

A 'cure' I wish upon many others, for it is a blessing to realise that love is a full circle, no beginning and no end.

Clam Man

2010-10-11T21:14:00.001+02:00

All too often in the past I have tried not to hurt anyone, avoiding confrontations with friends and even family. Arguments would only take place within my own four walls and the 'poor' ex had to deal with all of my frustrations and temperamental outbursts, because of my refusal to confront the person and or issue I truly had a problem with. I think that when we 'grow up', this feeling of 'caution' disappears and we learn to stand for our own wants and wishes.

I know that lately I have started exploring that. Scared to death to lose friends that way, but also realising that if I don't, I'll lose myself .

When it comes to men the issue is more complicated.

A friend of mine is 'stuck' in the tug of war of passionate desire. She fell in love with a seemingly wonderful man, who just lacked some TLC (tender love and care) in order to dare to open up. She gave him plenty. Kindness, love and affection. Like a clam, he slowly showed some of his inner space, only to shut down and shut her out soon after. He left her lingering for more, but from that point on it had become too 'dangerous' for him and he promptly decided not to let her in again, off he went in search of a new adventure. Funny as this individual was not the adventurous type when it came to love...he found some southern temperamental diva and probably reenacted the same clam-jam-act with her.

Meanwhile my friend was going through a medical crisis of her own and found herself longing for this long lost friendship. Still feeling so connected with her clam-man, that she truly hoped he would come through in her hour of need. The hour came and passed but the clam-man was nowhere in sight. No call, no mail, not a single sign of life. She defended him, saying it was hard for him to stand by her at this moment as it brought him painful memories. And still...nothing. To this day, he has not asked her how she has been, even though he has responded to some business emails from her in the meantime. An absolute riddle as to why love goes the way it goes and why we want what we can't have, it seems.

It makes me wonder why, as women, we so feel the need to nurture this indecent behaviour. Why is it so hard to believe that we deserve more and better !! And when that suddenly finds you, more often than not, we decide that a man who is prepared to make the proper 'sacrifices' for us, is not the 'type' of man we're after...afterall.
She's slowly started letting go, step by step, day by day. His picture has been removed, leaving a clean mark on a dusty shelf. The place he has in her heart remains untouched however. Hopeful still... but secretly knowing that he will most probably not return any time soon, if ever....

Having found herself surviving yet another dispappointment in her life, she still shows incredible courage and life spirit, and like in any sequel, the end of this tale surprises us with a twist..... clam-man re-appears from out of nowhere and the storyline takes an unexpected turn..... To be continued !!

What if...

2010-10-04T12:04:00.000+02:00

So what if you found yourself dating a much younger man, but not feeling a day past his age. Lost in the emotions of it all, loving the attention, the charming ways of his courtship, and wondering how it is possible that such a young man could fall head over heals in love with an older woman. The thought has crossed my mind many a time, for it does happen, and the phenomenon intrigues me.

It's insane, of course it is; no way in the world these two people could be compatible, or even have anything in common, right ?! But then how do you explain the multitude of men that choose to fall in love with a woman 15 to 20 years their minor. In our modern day society that is totally acceptable. Sadly even in cases where a perfectly commendable 'older' woman has been exchanged for a newer, younger version. Even then, we tolerate and accept it. After all, a woman should look up to her man, and that is more likely if they're significantly a few years younger than the man they're dating..

When it comes to younger men though, it's a different story. We consider them 'immature', too 'baby-faced' and just not 'fully baked'. But who says that's the case with all young men?! Isn't it possible that there are a few older souls out there?! Those that may have matured quicker in certain areas and think with the same 'age' of grey-matter we do. They are out there, and to confuse us all even more, they are sometimes even further along than most men our own age, ladies...!!!

The consequences of such a relationship are probably grand however. To begin with, if there are children involved they are usually shocked or maybe even scarred for life, friends may drop you like alfredo, as you seem to have gone haywire with such a choice. And family well, that is awkward enough too, as you may have to meet the parents, one day, who may only be a little bit older than yourself and that in itself seems unacceptable and extremely inexcusable.

So why is it that there's sometimes the attraction without age consideration?! Take away the numbers and the souls may fit. What is the proper thing to do then?! Do you follow your heart, or do you go with what goes?!

Of course if you want to set yourself up for a heartbreak, this may be the best way to go. A younger guy will have many more opportunities to leave you for another woman, or in his case another life. I have no idea what the odds are of such a relationship prevailing. Too many obstacles seem to pop into mind and with the current situation on 'same aged' people separating, I should think that adding the age hurdle will only complicate things even further....

Then again, a woman may find herself in some sort of need to satify her (maybe last) sexual peak and still feel attractive enough to challenge herself by testing the waters. If so, then this combination seems Godsend, as younger men are said to be more virile and willing, as opposed to their older adversaries. Something that in itself makes you wonder what the older man does with his younger woman, as we mostly (like to) think it has to do with a greater sexual appetite. I think, however, that there is more of an 'adoration' issue there, than anything else. Men love to be looked up to and admired, and admittedly, younger women still do that. Older ones know better. No offence.

Don't get me wrong though, for I am not against an age difference, it's only when age becomes part of the problem that I react strongly against it.
So, to conclude, why is it that in today's society, where so much is tolerated and accepted, the idea of a woman dating a younger man is still so outdated? ... I wonder, do we feel threatened as a society, or is it just a case of men (still) having more priviledges than women even in this day and AGE?!

Amuse Bouche

2010-09-28T21:20:00.002+02:00

For a while know I have had the suspicious notion that the men I've dated so far, have perceived me as their 'side dish' and not their main course. I've been what the French appropriately call an 'amuse bouche' (literally an amusing mouth~~ful~~). I tickled their appetite ....for more....just not more of me !!

It leaves me a little sad and disappointed to say the least, for it just seems so hard to understand that someone can like so much of you, yet, not want you. But I suppose it's exactly like that appetizer, it's a flavour explosion that makes you curiously long for the next dish.....yes...the next one. A hidden seduction... an enticement. If we 'translate' that into intimate relationships, I have only been that which one tries before the real master piece is welcomed and approved of, in other words a 'flirtation' of sorts.

It has been very frustrating to be honest, many tears have trickled down my cheeks over this, and however much I'd like to understand it.

I don't.

Can a 'side dish' ever turn into a main platter ?! Do I stand a chance in a world saturated with numerous 'pieces de resistance' ?!

One thing I'm sure of...I no longer want to be that side dish.... the one that seems suitable and readily available to accompany all meals. Easily combined and always enjoyable yet never quite the filler. I long for a complimentary combination or the whole hog. In this case that would make me the center piece of the table like a magestic banquet of..., in my case, pork.

So how do you go from being a simple 'extra' to the most wanted platter...well that's where I seem a little lost and confused. Afterall, pork needs gravy, lamb is complemented by mintsauce, chicken goes best with lemon, garlic and spices, and even bread needs butter to complete it. Still that leaves me nowhere. Except back where I started...as the complimentary side dish. Which I've decided I no longer want to be.

I guess what I'm trying so hard to say is that I no longer want to be assigned the crumbs in this meal of a lifetime. I will attend the table in honour or not at all. I will be scrumptiously tasted and flavoured and will only be satisfied if my 'taster' is left longing for more, concluding that I'm finger-licking delicious and should be cherished and adored like any proper 'piece de resistance' ought to be !!!

For now though....I have decided to decline my place at the table in order to have an appropriate 'men pause'... so at this moment in time this 'side dish' is off limits to the empty stomachs of uncommittable men with hunger pangs.

Stuck in the Moment

2010-09-24T13:42:00.001+02:00

Find myself struck and stuck, not because I have no stories left to tell but because after my 'Heart Locked' blog, all emotion seems to have hit the 'off' button. So the next fase sets in and I suppose it leaves me pondering... and wondering...the question this time being...

'Now what' !!

I realise that this will most probably be a temporary state of mind, yet find myself feeling a bit uneasy as it might just be a bigger breath to hold this time. Feeling stuck in the moment...seeing no exit. Emotions locked away, safe and sound. Living day by day, moment by moment, no aspiration for more. Perfectly content, yet with the knowledge that hiding away feelings is most probably not the wisest way to go.

Is it possible, that I'm enjoying life, without sharing it ?! Without the longing to share it ....between two drawn souls. No need for that extra pair of everything, no need for another heart's warmth. Just living the moment, without loss, or disappointment, learning to be just me and slowly falling in love with that.

Stuck in the eye of life's storm, with a chance to soon be struck again, or maybe, just maybe, my pondering thoughts, may help it last... a little longer, long enough to get unstuck in the middle. Wondering the purpose of this pauze, as it baffles the brain yet leaves me with calm ease and tranquility.

Having time and space, to get unstuck from this momentary lapse may be the only cure, and best way out...of something I'm not sure I want to leave behind.

Looking left and right, front and back, but twirling in the midst of it, till the twirl's undone. Will I then have reached the 'unstuck' ?!

To all the stuck, I know this blog is crystal clear and to all others it must be a complete and utter 'fog blog'. My apologies for that but cannot provide you with anymore clarity of mind or matter. It is what it is, and it will be what it will be...for as long as it shall be. Live to the boundaries, close the exits, remove the doubts and warm the hearth. Welcome to the basics of love.

2010-09-23T08:09:00.002+02:00

Paulo Coelho Writing books is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public

The life of Riches 2....

2010-09-14T07:13:00.000+02:00

If you thought the tales of the rich were over and done with in my last 'Riches' blog, then I'm afraid you've been left with a wrong impression. Many more shall follow !!

Last week I had the pleasure of enjoying a ladies lunch in a beautiful countrylike setting, it was a 'bring your own delicious dish' theme and for some reason women my age seem to crave sweetness, so there was plenty of cream, strawberries, merengue, cake and chocolate...!!

I makes me wonder if this is a lack of sex, warmth and heartfelt comfort at this age...then again, it may just have been coincidence...

Whilst enjoying the scrumptious food, we chitter-chattered about life's challenges big and small. One of us has breast cancer, another has so many kids that we can hardly keep track of their activities anymore and yet another is actively looking for a job, the rest is stuck somewhere in the middle... and then there's me, 'the single one'. All of us provided the group with plenty of discussion material to entertain the whole luncheon-ordeal ! In the ongoing conversation I found out that apparently we not only have gardeners to trim and cut our lawns these days, but deer have also been spotted in this neighbour-robin'-hood of wealth !!! Yes, 'deer'....as in Rudolf, the rednosed reindeer... I could not believe my ears for I never imagined such a noble animal trotting down these 'foul' rich grounds, let alone trusting us with their calves whilst mother ~~dear~~ deer is off to hunt!!

Having spent the afternoon lunching and lounging....I went home, carrying a pretty full tummy of contentment with my life. The thing is...no matter what situation you're in, it's all about seeing and aknowledging the positives !!(Yes, I know I keep repeating that....it's called a mantra.)

So....this week, during a night out with the girls, we were discussing weekend plans and one of my friends had the most brilliant idea, she was planning a trip to the beach with the kids and another friend and why not have a beach bbq ?! And not JUST a beach bbq, no.....a portable one !!! Yes, I can see you imagining this tiny 'use only once apparatus', but no, when we talk beach bbq around here, we mean business, and so a huge Weber 'full option bbq' is packed onto a special towing device at the back of the Range to join the beachgirls on their outing. Afterall an afternoon at the beach in late summer is not complete without one !! And because so many of the men around here have no time at the weekend to join in this funfilled family outing, due to their golfing and sailing activities....the bbq is 'girl-friendly' !!!

You gotta love my friends, they all know how to re-invent life each and every time !!

After that much laughter over the portable bbq-trailer, a much needed visit to the loo was required. The staircase to and from the toilets was pretty steep the first time round, so I was a bit nervous now, having had a few drinks...but this place wouldn't prove it's decadence if it didn't have an elevator .....and so, with a quick press on the button, we flew from ground floor to first(class) and back.

Towards the end of the evening and without even having had a drink too many, I realised that all the men looked alike, they were all just different versions of each other ...one a little thinner than the other, another a bit older than the other, some a bit taller and slightly more handsome. All 'extreem-look-a-likes' . You'd think it would make it easier to choose from, just pick and pluck what you want, but what happens if, like in my case, it just isn't your type-of-guy ??? Well, you go home and sleep on ~~him~~ it.

Heart Locked

2010-09-11T18:36:00.001+02:00

Driving through town the other morning I had an epiphany about something quite crucial. It hit me, just like that, between the grocery shop and the bakery... I am no longer capable of having a relationship. I guess I have been pivoting around this point for a long time now...but just like that, it became apparent that I cannot give my heart completely. Worse even...I no longer want to give my heart to someone. It is safe and very well protected right where it is. Even so, I'm convinced that I still think, speak and feel with it, my emotional state has not been struck by this disfunction, so whatever happened, I just no longer have the desire to hand my heart over, to share it, or to take another's heart into mine.

I can no longer imagine what it is like to have the undying desire to see one particular person every single day, to have the need to be with him as often as possible.... These all seem distant and far away yearnings that I have forgotten how to have and wonder why we even have them at all. I even tend to compare relationships to how people watch tv, 'always hoping to find a better program on the other channel' and thus I assume that I will not be an item of lengthy or long interest, for the next available girl is just around the corner, also waiting to be swept away, and as easily accessible as that next channel.

No offense to those in relationships, but how the heck, do you keep the spark alive ?! I can't begin to remember what it all entails and how I managed it for so long. At the time I think I never realised how long it was lasting and everyday must have felt like a new beginning. Now it just doesn't seem to feel right anymore. I have become accustomed to my newfound freedom and don't think it would be easy to adjust and cope with someone else's likes and dislikes.

I like being the queen of my castle, and will not abide by any king again.

I have the deepest respect for those that are still producing that magic potion called love and managing to make it last for years and years. My 'awakening' has shocked it out of me...who knows maybe only temporarily....

It must sound incredibly selfish and maybe even a little egocentric, but my life now revolves around me and my wishes, taking into consideration only, that I have 3 children who also require some much needed 'parking' space on these castle grounds !!
It has been a great challenge to even get to this point...never did the thought cross my mind that I may one day feel completely happy as a single girl. That life would be fun, and so freedom-filled and that the thought of being with someone would worry me instead of thrill me.......

The life of Riches

2010-09-02T00:43:00.004+02:00

Finally I think I may have enough courage to write this blog ... Courage I say, because I don't intend to ridicule anyone, yet at the same time I need to stay close to the facts for this is an account of the life of the riches(t).

Not all of you may know this about me, but I live in a very 'delightful' neighbourhood, where only a 'lucky' few seem to end up in this lifetime. Most of my friends have mansions of course and even though butlers have gone out of fashion, no one is too proud to have an au pair. After all, juggling '2.4 children' and an entire estate whilst you are also expected to be sporty, drink coffees, and go out to lunch with the 'girls' is a heck of a job. One that many working people truly underestimate....

Mornings are started at a fast pace...a quick jump into the 'Juicy Couture' trainers and it's off to school with the kids in humongous cars with divine Italian or sturdy German names in dull colours but with great potence. Once back home, and after a few coffee's with friends to catch up on all the ongoing gossip of the past 24 hours, it's time for some action. Tennis, yoga, fitness, jogging, golfing all very adequate sports to partake in. One particular friend has decided that instead of having to cramp her car into a parking space at the local gym, it is much easier to have someone come to the house for yoga lessons, so for convenience sake, the 'girls' do 'twirls' on the upstairs balcony whilst the workmen labour around the house. I often wonder what these men must think of these stretch and bend sessions, but I have the sneaky suspicion that they enjoy them just as much as my friend does !!

After all this sportiness, the stomach is ~~famished~~ peckish and so a lunch seems more than appropriate... a few friends are rendez-vous'ed and a venue is chosen....chitter chatter time! A favourite topic is men, the lack of, or the inconvenience or sometimes even a rare moment of true appreciation of them. By now, more than half of the ladies are either divorced, widowed or separated and those that are still ~~stuck~~ in a marriage are desperate to either stay in it or find a safe way out. It is not always an easy thing to be in you see, most men around here work long and far away hours...of course with some much needed golf and Grand Prix breaks to somewhat alleviate their job 'stressation' !! Showing their faces at home rarely but instinctively at exactly the right moments, just enough so as not to get the pretty little wife worried or in a notch.

The single women talk long and lengthy about all their new conquests and lovers, leaving some of the marriage struck ones feeling slightly unappreciated, jealous...and wondering whether it would be manageable to have a lover 'on the side'. (Just to be clear about this, yes, it is very possible for most, were it not that they are exhausted at the end of the day from all the rushing around and dealing with kids and mansion stuff..!!!)

Nearly 4pm and most schools are out, the big rush hours set in....jumping back into the Juicy-butt-print and helping the kids look for a lost rabbit on the home tenniscourt, as the poor soul was left to think it was his new home, being an upper class rabbit and all.... the afternoon stress sets in...and many more crisis situations need to be dealt with, phonecalls, homework, childrens sports activities, nobel-peace-prize- mediation between the kids and a healthy (preferably home-deliverded) meal. All is juggled and managed only well by delegating very clearly what one wants and expects from the live-in-help !!!

Thank goodness, otherwise most of these 'poor' mothers would go insane with all these time consuming chores. Then again stress is a great excuse to get a massage and that is something everyone around here loves and indulges in...but lets not get side-tracked.

Time for a sip of wine....well, to continue the flow that started at lunchtime anyway...just to take the edge off, after all it has been a more than hectic day and there is nothing like a good rosé to make up for it at times like these !!

After dinner kids are off to bed, quick kiss and chat, and then back downstairs where all has been neatly tucked away and cleaned by the lovely Filipina-multi-functional-lady.... time to relax and enjoy before the hubby gets home. Finally just before the tenth yawn the front door is unlocked and Mr. Husband announces his precense. Greated by left overs or at times no dinner at all and a wife in an expensive but worn down track suit, with a distinct ~~stench~~ whiff of alcohol, he offers her a peck on the cheek and subsequently turns on the sports channel....now it's his time to relax and enjoy !! A quick and very brief account of the day is done and off to bed goes the wife, whilst hubby dear watches sports and ~~sex~~ marathons on tv.

I trust I have left you with an accurate yet lasting impression of just another ordinary day in the life of the riches(t) for now.....

Smiles

2010-08-23T17:39:00.000+02:00

Watched an interview today with Joshua Radin, my newfound favourite musical artist, he was lovely, even though that may not feel like a compliment to a man, but he was. Something he said struck me. He referred to his best friend and said, that they often joked around saying it would be great to both be gay, as they always have such fun, and laugh so much together as a pair, whereas, it seems hard to find a girl nowadays that makes him laugh.

Thing is, he's right...we sometimes seem to forget that there is a 'smile' function to our 'facial-grimace-option-board which makes us so much more attractive a person !!!

I attended a beautiful wedding this past weekend, and once again met up with estranged family members, whom I had not spoken to since my separation. Every single one of them made an effort to come talk to me and to ask me how I was doing. Very kind and heartfelt indeed. It has been 4 years now and the worst part is over as far as I'm concerned, of course some things remain painful (like seeing your children on the laps of the ex husband and girlfriend on the front row seats witnessing a family wedding ceremony, that I was a part of for nearly 20 years, whilst standing somewhere in the crowd now....wondering how it happened that I became so easily 'replaceable' ...) but a strangers' kind words can be soothing, and I am thankful once again for being comforted by such a loving soul at exactly the right moment !!!

Having reassured everyone of how well I am doing, with a big smile on my face, one person said to me, '....and after all this pain, you can still speak with a smile on your face'. Yes, I can, for there comes a point that you decide you want your life to become important again and worthwhile. Of course a lot of dreams disappeared or became impossible (for now), but so many other dreams and possibilities have taken over. New challenges and adventures galore.

Life did not end for me, it is just a new beginning !

Smiling does not mean there is no pain, it just helps us find the positives life has to offer. It helps us see the world through hopeful eyes. You never know what disaster may strike next so our time here should best be enjoyed and cherished !

A good friend of mine recently received devastating news. She has cancer. Tears of desperation have been shed and her whole world including her family's has been turned upside down, but I know that she will be fine, because she has determination, and a hopeful spirit, and oh boy can she still make great jokes, and crack us up !!!
I greatly admire her, for her courage and life loving spirit. I look forward to celebrating with her next year that she too will have survived her trials and tribulations, smiling, even through the tears !!!

So a message to women (and men) all over, keep smiling, for it will attract a great many a friend into your hearts. The world just looks and feels better when you elude in happiness and smiles !!! =)

PS. May you all please support Pink Ribbon, and help many many women keep their smiles !!! =)

Say what you need to say...

2010-08-09T15:36:00.001+02:00

Isn't that exactly what we all seem to avoid ~~doing~~ saying, and even in those cases where we finally say what we need to say, sometimes it comes out 'all wrong'....as is often the case with me. I either truly say too much or just not enough of what I should. I'm learning though...slowly but steadily, to speak my mind and it's become easier now that I am getting to know my out-of-control-psyche...just a tad.

It's always baffled me that some people just know exactly how things are supposed to be, their minds are clear, straight lines, no loopholes, just plain and simple. Mine isn't, it's a constant chaos of what 'if's' and what 'may's' ...never ending discussions and options, in one ear and out the other, continuous confusion, mayhem and turbulence....havocking my 'upstairs attic room'.

I find it exhausting at times, yet wouldn't want it any other way....as it's exactly what makes me, ME. However, I so admire those with clearer views and outlined barriers. I guess it's like an interior, mine is crowded, cluttered and very lived in, but others live in minimalism often optimally maximizing their options and capacities that way !!

I'm in constant struggle with the 'shadows in my head' always wondering which voice to listen to and why...endless discussions good and bad, a waterfall of emotions streaming through now and again, after each big storm, befogging thoughts... but in the end bringing calmness and clarity for a little while, till the next downpour.

It's like living on a different plane, and 'odd-dimensional' layer, one that feels alive but invincible...kind of like the one you sometimes feel you're in after watching an action movie, where the hero, went through the toughest combats and battles ever, yet, survived and triumphed all, with barely a scratch to show for it...and leaving you in (his) euphoric exaltation.

That kind of almighty perception, is what seems to be what continuously lives in my 'mind-attic'.

So...having unveiled the insi~~des~~ghts of my 'top chamber', and probably leaving you thinking I am absolutely bonkers, rest assured that it keeps me living the vida loca, that I so love to dwell in. Looking forward to what comes next, always !!

Huffington Post !!

2010-08-06T21:43:00.000+02:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/05/share-your-breakthrough-s_n_667245.html#s123650

Slowly Shrivelling

2010-08-04T21:55:00.001+02:00

I decided today that I am getting OLD !!! My face has gone wrinkly.....37 has caught up with me and become visible. No longer able to pretend to be young, by acting it, as the lines on my face give it away now.
Not sure I really like that, even though I used to think I wouldn't have a problem with ageing at all...well, apparently... I do. It's strange how men seem to get more handsome with age, yet women just shrivel and crumple. Mother Nature, must have had her say in this....obviously making sure she kept plenty of good looking men around for herself !

Of course there are ways to make it 'go away'; botox, fillers, face lifts, you name it !! But the fact is....you're only delaying the process and in time it catches up with you anyway.
So, after having bought a very expensive 'plumping cream', and carefully rubbing it on my face, I realised there was absolutely no change...and just the mere realisation of THAT has created yet another 'frown' on my creasing face !!!

So now what....just accept it and grow old in dignity ?! No way, I refuse to !! It is not fair, that only half our lives we're allowed to roam wrinkle-free-and-young on this planet. All fashion dictates in magazines is outer beauty, and 'photo~~chopped~~shopped' perfection....and here I am with my face and hair in the process of slowly shrivelling and thinning out by the ~~day~~ hour...

Stuck in my 'sexual peak' years, finally feeling comfortable enough with my body as it is, (which is by no means as great as it used to be ;-) ) yet now having to switch off the light to hide my wrinkles....and having to accept that time is catching up and taking it's toll, all in one subtle move one glorious morning.... The day you all of a sudden look older, than yesterday.... Doom's Day !!

I find myself wanting to scream, but refusing to do so, as screaming may create even more wrinkles ! And the thought of one more small hint of a line, just horrifies me !!!

In my 'younger' days, I used to see older women on TV, and I remember thinking and saying, "look at what a wonderful life she's had, you can tell by the lines on her face." Well, I no longer seem to agree with that thought. It's a fright in the mirror every morning....shocked to encounter my own reflection, feeling not a day over 20 yet looking way older !!! I think I may officially be having a crisis of age....I'm afraid Carl Jung warned us all for this, 'an emotional transition as a normal part of the maturing process...' (sounds like Swiss Cheese to me... ;-) ) but I guess he was right...and there are five phases to go through. I'm still in the first one...shock...!! Denial, depression, anger and acceptance still need to come...so wrinkles beware, this fight's not over YET !!!!

Time after Time

2010-08-01T18:14:00.004+02:00

Luscious and scrumptious tasting ingredients... flour,sugar, milk and eggs seem easy enough a combination....placed into the 'hearth' to rise and bake..

What happens when the oven door opens too soon and the cake is not ready....not fully baked...yet so tempting and seducing with it's lingering aroma. When what you think is fate seems, to have arrived too early....being not quite there yet ?! Or maybe it will never be what it might have been intended to become. Wondering why, is a waste of time, it's something that becomes apparent after endless sleepless nights and plenty of circles on the roundabout. Sometimes timing just ain't right. It's as simple as that. Sometimes a point of no return put you there, in the middle of uncertainty. Left to ponder and explore.

Wondering.....why...and why not. Over and over again. Some things need time, to adjust, to entwine, and to connect, just rightly. Just like the cake. No use pushing it. Patience becomes a true virtue in these cases, for there is not a single certainty to this real life open ended recipe.

So time after time, desperately trying to find the right button to press, thinking I may have found it and realising that even though I seem to hit some home truths, I cannot get to what lies beyond them....that, which is safely tucked away, in a comfort zone for fears to reign.

When truths are untold or left out, time has a way of resurfacing them, at exactly the right moment, does the same thing happen with fate....does it fall into place at exactly the right instant ?! Will time ensure the proper outcome of it?!

And how does the concept of 'wasted time' fit into this...how long do you 'take your time' ?! Is time endless and unwinding ?! Does time also need distance to evolve and grow...

When we find ourselves in this 'lost zone', a 'black hole' as it were, filled with endless possibilities, yet yearning for our wish to come true....do we stare into the darkness hoping to see what we so hope to see, only to find that in the end, life throws you in an unexpected twirl....?! Are we constantly grasping at straws ?! Or is there a way to make happen, what we so want to make happen.

A good cake is made from an 'old recipe' one that has been sampled over and over again, all the ingredients blending into a fantastic flavour, one that is so tasty, that it will make us want to make the cake again, and again. Is this too needed in relationships, the right ingredients at exactly the right time....Ensuring taste and structure ?! It seems logical enough.

A year ago, my ingredients were finally assigned to me ....and I combined them with someone else's hoping to bake a fabulous cake together, but everytime I stare into the oven and see, that to this day, the smell is wonderful, it looks fantastic and tastes close to perfect, but something seems to have gone wrong with the structure of it all....and neither of us seems capable of 'fixing' it....we keep leaving it mushy and nearly done...each choosing a different and new mix elsewhere, thinking that will make us the cake we think we want...but will it !?!

I guess maybe, once time and distance get a chance to work it out, the cake may possibly have fully baked to perfection....fate remains... and only time will tell.

Cause life is full of comfort and challenges..... X

2010-08-01T12:54:00.001+02:00

Off the Roundabout

2010-07-29T01:42:00.001+02:00

Having spent many days driving in circles on life's roundabout, I have finally taken an exit...hopefully the right one.

Once a year I get a week of 'ME' time as the kids go on holidays with their dad. It seems to have a strange effect on me, for in that week, I party, hardly sleep and mostly just try to enjoy life to the limit. As I did this time...

I took a wonderful ride, full of fun and adventure, with a sense of new found freedom that is usually unknown to me. Only to find that with the return of my children, my life too came back, and hit me hard.
I had been living Cinderella's night out at the castle, the pumpkin chariot, the fairy godmother, and even the handsome young prince all played a part in my week's fairytale, one I so wanted to turn into reality, yet found out that even my deepest desires couldn't keep that scene enchanted !! And so the fairytale ended, but not as they usually do, I'm afraid.

Real life just has no clue as to what fairytales are made of. We often have all the right ingredients, yet still manage to make a mess of things. Luckily, the real life version of my life, is one I cherish and prosper in.

However deciding what is right is not an easy task, for what is right for me now, is no longer what was right for me pre-kids, or pre-marriage, or pre-awakening, or even what will be right for me next month or next year... Some things still seem to happen for the first time, even though I am a grown up mother of three. And without wanting to sound melodramatic, I do think that my life seems at times to be one big Greek drama. Comedy and tragedy blended into some sort of happy meal type package deal of the week, or month. Each time with a surprise element included ;-) Not always one I am actually 'happy' with, I might add.

So, slowly adjusting back to my actual life, kind of freaks me out too. As much as I love my children, I do not only consist of 'motherness', this week showed me that there is within me a woman dying to live her life and satisfy her needs and expectations. Something that may sound awful, egoistic and maybe even self centered. I may actually be suffering from a fluke I never thought would happen to me. Being in control of everything, always, I now feel like I'm in my pumpkin chariot which turned into a loose projectile, flying through my neighbourhood, hitting anything and everything and not quite understanding why. Probably creating havoc and damage all over, yet not knowing how to stop it.

So...for now, I took an exit...no idea where this road is going to take me, but hopefully to stiller waters and greener pastures. So that all the damaged territory can have time to heal and recover, whilst I'm on this road less travelled.....curving slowly into the French country side....welcoming me into La douce France for a much needed time-out !!!

Ashton-ishing !

2010-07-16T18:34:00.002+02:00

Once again it happened....having 'frightened' away my 'first knight', because of my trust issues and probably other significant stuff it has made me wonder if this relationship tango is even possible for me. I find myself feeling happy, yet, something seems to be standing in the way of love. But what...?!

The other day a friend of mine pointed out to me that I seem to be attracting the 'wrong' crowd...feeling young at heart, it seems that that is exactly what is being projected, and therefore my unexpected and unprecedented 'target' group have become the 'much younger men'.....

This is not something that I aim at, but for some reason it seems to happen every time, and it has me wondering whether it has to do with my inability to decide what I want in a relationship, or just plain coincidence..
These younger guys are enjoying their life, their spirits are so full of positivity and they have many plans and ambitions and still have a sense of old fashioned romance, that older men seem to lack. For the latter, any fuss seems too much of a hassle and so they decide enough is enough and they move on to the next available woman, this probably explains why younger women get picked generally, as they have less 'complications' in life.

Not feeling too sure about my own thoughts on the great age gap, yet curious to explore, I realize this may be dangerous territory for everyone involved. Always worrying about what people may say or think, and what judgements might be made. Speculations and or opinions of others seem to affect me too much, even though it's my life to live, and my call to make. Having been pointed out this exact issue by a much younger person in my life, it finally truly hit home for me. We live in a society where no one would have commented if I were to go out with an older man, but when the age difference is the other way around, it's 'not done'. Men get away with it, women don't, unless you happen to be Demi ;-)

So it leaves me wondering where I stand in this all. Do we choose a person or love according to age ?! Or is it just a number indicating how long we've been around?! And who gets to decide which number fits and which one doesn't ?! I'm sure it's not as simple as it all may seem, as Prince Charming may come riding by in many attires. Some of which we may have thought were exactly what we wanted, yet in the end were nowhere near what we needed, or wished for. It makes me think of Shrek, a modern time fairytale mocking the looks, size and age of Mr. Perfect, love knows no settings, only those that trigger your deepest emotions and they somehow remain unexplainable. And so it should be.

The criticisms of the world, of which I once too did partake, now seem so out of place and dated. Does that mean I no longer have morals and values, or is it just a different view on life?! Who is to tell ....
What I have noticed is that looking into that direction and option, brings turbulence to life. Uprooting all sorts of beliefs and values seems to be part of this rollercoaster ride we're all on, and in turn it hurts those that cannot and will not budge. I am sorry for that, yet will not quit the ride for it.

Finding myself being challenged by these new and exciting aspects of life, I can't help but to wonder why it is only now that I am confronted with things that others did and learnt at much earlier stages of their lives. This proving to me, once again, that age is but a number, as experience comes when it comes. It is an awkward time in my life to still be doing this trial and error excercise. Once again another new road has opened up and it's time to take a walk, wander and take in.

For if you don't take a plunge into the deep end once in a while, you may not find what it is you're looking for. No pain, no gain, seems an appropriate slogan to go with. So try before you die and remember that most of all, it is your own self that needs to feel happy and alive, when that happens, your joy will hopefully be contagious enough to help settle the dust that you caused to arise !!!

Solitude Mood

2010-07-04T13:36:00.002+02:00

Sunshine or not, the tough days still seem to appear out of the blue. Funny how you can be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, yet feel so lonely at times. It just goes to show that loneliness is inside of you, not influenced by outside factors. (Although keeping busy can help your lonely spirit hide.)
Today happens to be one of those days...the sun is out and making everyone happy, yet I find myself excluded from it. No kids, no friends, no family. Just me.

Draining in self pity I guess, for a bit...as no happy thought and no amount of sunshine seems to do the trick.

It's just one of those days...

We all have them I'm sure, a friend of mine has had to put her kids on a plane for a month long trip to visit their father abroad, it must have been so hard for her to do, yet she will hopefully not feel lonely as she has found her prince charming and his love and attention will take the edge off missing her girls.

I know you should never count on the other person for your own happiness, that's not how it works, you need to be and feel happy yourself and the other person will just add to that. Thing is.....it would be nice at times to have that addition...just that little bit extra. Knowing a special person out there thinks the world of you and will undrown your sorrow. Can't help but think that makes me greedy and needy....yet doesn't everyone hope to find that ?!

It's on the off days that life looks so gloomy, and for some reason, it's hard for me to get through them...
Miss my kids, and all their laughter. Feel excluded from friend and family events, as sometimes my presence is no longer appreciated. It makes things awkward and hard for everyone involved, I am still the same person, just no longer suitable. All very understandable, which makes it even harder at times, for I do not want to let anyone feel uncomfortable or obliged.

It's weird how it happens that by being single at my age, makes you less likely to get invited to things that couples and families do together. Especially at weekends and dinner parties. So best and only option is to find your own fun in life. And I say this trying to convince myself out of my solitude mood. ;-)

A full 24 hours of indulging myself in ME time, and not having had a single proper conversation with anyone, leaves me feeling like a hermit, secluded from society. And that is not my thing.
Even so, a 'time out' is good for everyone, time to self reflect, ponder and wonder. Life is not always on the up, so it's good to explore the lowlands.

I wouldn't be me if a plan of action had not been made so ....as the skies turn grey and rain approaches, soon enough my kids will be back home, grandparents will be visiting and enough food to feed the hungry will decorate the table !! Now THAT, is what I call living the good life !

The loneliness ? It gets tucked away till next time.... ;-)

Trust Issues

2010-06-30T17:53:00.014+02:00

Apparently if you get hurt somewhere along the way of love, sometimes without even noticing it at first, cuts appear and scars occur. Funny how this doesn't become apparent until it's allready full blown in your face. After years of 'healing' and 'growing' I thought I had reached the point of being able to 'start over'. Everything was running smoothly, great friends, caring family, well settled kids, and a new life that suited me and all my likes, and the will to love again !

How wrong I was.

A few trial and errors had not seemed so harmless at the time, even though they hurt the ego and caused some tiny emotional turmoil. Every single time I dusted myself off and set my path onwards. Of course wondering why and what may have led to the unsuccesful 'relationship', but determined to learn from it and make better judgements next time round.

So, not considering that each and every 'other' time, I was actually dealing with a new and 'other' person, I became strict and non acceptive. Trusting someone is not as easy as it once was, when I blindly followed and believed. After having been 'screwed around' a few times, I figured everyone had such a deviously deceptive plan and intention in mind, never considering that there may still be noble men (and women) out there. Taking a look around, didn't help much either, as people seemed to be splitting up for the most insane reasons possible, left and right.

Finding myself checking things in shameful 'Big Broher Like Ways', and thinking it an absolute natural way of handling the situation. I never considered that it may just be a way of controlling my own feelings, so they wouldn't again get hurt. At times, the 'spying' would lead to nothing as the hunch would not turn out the way I expected it to, and other times I would think something of a certain 'act' that meant nothing and was easily clarified with a perfectly innocent explanation. So what I ended up doing is looking for the 'fault' .....UNTIL I found ANYTHING...because all I seemed to want, was to be right about the person in question not being trustworthy. The trouble with all this snooping around is that, you leave no space for naturalness, for true desire, or attraction. It kills anything and everything by suffocating the 'butterfly' breeze. Not only do you achieve hurting yourself anyway, but you now also find yourself hurting other people, especially those with the best intentions.

It became apparent to me that we can only open ourselves up to love if we open ourselves up to pain and hurt. For without one, there is no other.

A great challenge lies before me, as I must now find a way to trust and not be afraid of the consequences. In a world where everything seems scattered and upside down, and ethics are lost in desires. Putting an end to my own doubts and without hurting yet another person. I hope that it will be possible to find my way again, and if I'm lucky, very lucky, there'll be some out there willing to lovingly help me get there. :-) So I guess it's about time to cut the crap and cut some of them out there, some slack ....daring to jump in the deep end ! Leaving it up to fate.....sticking with it...to see how the story goes....

Naked Truth

2010-06-25T23:19:00.000+02:00

Fashion dictates all over body issues....how we look, what we wear, what is accepted and acceptable; and yes, even what is underneath all that... !!!

Great changes have taken place since I went into puberty...from wild natural bushes, to elegantly trimmed acres and smooth silky pastures. Weird how something so primal can go through such an evolution. How does it happen and why ?! Do we feel that nothing needs covering up anymore ?! Or is it a desire to rid ourselves of our primaeval heritage ?! And if so, why ....?!

Do we find the need to expose that which is hidden because life is complicated enough and it seems our only and most natural way to show our true colours, and purity.... Or is it only a desire to look and feel good. Do these trends occur maninly early on in new relationships, and do they last ?! Asking around, I have noticed that not everybody is up to date with the latest fashion 'between the sheets'. Some couldn't be bothered and feel that after years of marriage, there is no need for refreshing cuts ;-) afterall, there 'should' be no comparison right ?!

No...not 'right', as nowadays anything and everything can be 'googled' !!! So the latest fashion in hair 'down under' is available to all those keen enough to type a search for it. Images included !!

Why we sometimes go through the trimming 'torture' remains puzzling, as it is not comfortable to wax, smelly and nearly lethal to 'Veet', and very sensitive to shave daily not to mention extremely itchy the day after ;-). And I haven't even begun to talk about ingrown hair follicles, rashes or all the various shapes and sizes in womens- in-between-the-legs -'creations'.

We take things far as human beings, men have started shaving all over too, areas, that to me seem unmanly when hairless, but the trend is set and people follow. There are individuals who feel that after the succes of snow white teeth, anus bleaching is the way to go, no offence but who cares how perky and 'blond' buttholes look ?! Some even go to the extremities of vagina regenarations, whereby everything is 'tightend' back into teen proportions .....somehow this sounds very pedophile to me.

All for what ?! A better sex life ....I wonder, because a great sex life involves passion, desire and if you're lucky, plenty of love. Things that don't seem fazed by the exterior looks or fashion statements of your new found lover.

However, does what 'goes' have to be followed or do we do what we feel is best, and most convenient ? Should that be convenient to us or to the other person ?! Of course 'flossing' should be done with proper dental floss, but other than that, I see no other real problem with which style we choose to go for. How far do we go to 'please'....and how much of a sacrifice and effort do we make ?!
Does it influence the magic between two people or is it just a seductive method, to attract the other sex and confrim our own idleness. New partners take time to get used to, to adjust to each other's likes and dislikes, to learn the tricks of the trade. A voyage of great exploration, fun and pleasure. We embark on this mission in the hope that our fashion statement will get us what we want, yet somewhere along the journey, we realize that what we want may not be stated in that fashion !!!

It has been a marvelously funny and enlightening quest, I would like to extend special thanks to those who shared plenty of 'views' and details !! ;-) May you peak in great style !!!

Go with your own Flow

2010-06-21T12:13:00.000+02:00

After spending years of constant struggle between ratio and emotion, endless discussions held in my head, debates and doubts...I have now reached the point of 'go with my own flow' !!!

It is exhausting to think everything over and wonder whether you are making the right decision at each and every point in life. Sometimes even with the best precautions we still go wrong, and other times we find ourselves in the right lane, just by accident !

Everybody's input in your struggle is important, but, it is you yourself who needs to live the path, and sow the seeds needed to evolve and blossom !
We try to protect ourselves from all harm and hurt, yet, at times it is exactly that, that helps us grow. Nothing is set in stone, and just because today might not be a day of great decision making, does not mean that tomorrow will be the same again...today's mistakes are tomorrow's learnt lessons.

At times it's best to live by the day, by the hour, or by the minute even....enjoying it all to te fullest. Confident that it will all turn out exactly how it's supposed to.

After hearing about yet another tragic death, and knowing that that person saw no other way to end the misery, you realize that life is a struggle for everyone, but it's how you deal with that struggle that's important.
And it's what you do with it that makes you who you are, take it or leave it.

All too often, we feel the need to explain our actions, and our words. The world may feel that you have to act a certain way, accept certain things, but it's just not always possible, it's in exactly this way that we discover our borders, our own rational and emotional margins. At times, these may change or evolve, depending on the way we feel and how we are approached, but having those borders is human. Living with them is what makes it bearable and safe.

Asking a person to ignore them or be untrue to them is asking someone to deny their very being. A request that should never be approved or accepted.

So when in doubt or serious debate, trust your inner self, your GUT...the drive within you and go with that flow. That way no one else is ever to blame, but yourself, and when you find the chosen to be exactly what you wanted, you will feel the GLORY of it ! And remember always.....'no guts, no glory....' !!

First Knight

2010-06-18T21:56:00.001+02:00

One fine day out of nowhere and without a single warning....you meet a lovely and decent guy. As in fairytales, out of the blue, unexpected and so exciting !! A first encounter is soon planned, no time to change your mind, this time a restaurant setting in the middle of the countryside, for lunch on a sunny day. Nerves travel up and down your body, heart seems to skip some essential beats, leaving you breathless at times. Face flushed with a sweet pink blush, like the ones little kids get after an exciting ride at the fair. And off you go, to meet...

You take a look, recognise your date and feel a sigh of relief, that this time, it is truly the guy in the picture. A kiss on the cheek to greet each other and then you place yourself opposite to him at the table, feeling so excited and relieved that that first moment has just passed. Within minutes wine is ordered and gulped down, to relieve the tension and the everlasting nerves.... it thankfully helps.

For once the conversation is smooth and oh so alike, recognizable experiences and lifes' stories....you both have children, both have ex 's, both have so much to offer, yet with such caution. You hardly manage to nibble on the delicious food that is served with great care and a wink from the waiter as he sees you're on what seems to be an actual date !

Conversation is great, time flies, and then you realise you had so much fun, with a person who is practically a perfect stranger to you. After a goodbye peck on the cheek, you each return to your own lives, and ponder all that was said and told. Finding that the other person keeps entering your mind at intervals, and you wonder how it could all have such a great effect on you, that sudden meeting with a perfect stranger...

Opportunity presents itself and date two is made, a movie....now this is a challenge for there is no room for talk, just silent sitting and staring, with an occasional laugh or tear....again it feels comfortable and familiar. Way past midnight you once again receive a kiss on the cheek with the promise of keeping in touch. (Now where have we heard that before...) You leave and wonder whether this time this guy will follow through, whether it is possible to trust again, believe again. As human as we are, we do, we not only believe but we have hope and cherish the promise made.

Happy amazement when a day and a half later a picture arrives in your email inbox. He is out there having fun, yet thought of you...and wanted you to be a part of it..sharing it and caring enough to know you'll appreciate it..!!
After building up the excitement for a few days, another date is planned, carefully, and in secret. The genteman that he is he arrives exactly on time, smelling fresh and clean, and looking oh so good. Nerves seem to melt as soon as he walks in the door, champagne bubbles and strawberries form the decor to a lovely evening sharing lifes' tales and sorrows. A bond seems to be forming magically, a sense of wonder fills your soul and curiosity makes you want to know more and more about this man. Time flies, stories told, experiences shared.....

Then at midnight the fairytale slowly comes to an end as you realise that you both have to get up early the next day, so after some lingering.....it's time to say your goodbye's... so sweet and so innocent, a perfect gentleman still, and you find yourself longing for that first kiss, that tingle and suspense....
And there... like in the movies, just before he leaves, he kisses you, leaving you breathless and flushed and longing for more....

The very next evening is date number four....is it possible to have found that first Knight ?!! :-)
(Or is this once again a set up for one of lifes' great lessons ?!)

Principal Truths

2010-06-10T16:36:00.000+02:00

At times I sit an wonder whether this world has come to an opened up Pandora's box. The lying, cheating, back stabbing and rotten ways in which we seem to treat each other these days is attrocious. If it weren't for some solid and faithful friendships, I think I would have long declared my time on Earth enough.
The facades, the masks, the pain inflicted without a single care, are too many to mention, too many to examine, too many to handle.

It leaves a simple soul wondering if anything at all is real, honourable and trustworthy.

No, I am not suffering from a depression, but feel that in some ways our society is. We seem infatuated with ourselves and our every craving....

But what about the real shit, the real pain, the real suffering; ...hunger, starvation, poverty, epidemics, child labour, cancer, aids, natural disasters, death.

Why is it we seem to worry about what car to drive, what house to own, what important position to have, yet always finding ourselves being exceeded by the next 'guy', because once you start that cycle, you are never a winner, always 'just' under...

A few years ago, our middle daughter was taken to hospital for what seemed a 'normal' pneumonia. The X-rays showed that a part of her lung had collapsed, medicines were given, treatment started, tests done, and at a certain point she was referred to a more specialised hospital in the country, where she had even more tubes stuffed down her throat, and more exams to determine the exact cause....assuming the worst, it was blissful when nothing was found truly wrong with her, except for a juvenile lack of certain immune system values. What a relief, but whilst she and I spent the night there, I saw children, bald ....pale...sick. Their eyes, with a dull despair, yet full of determination and bravery. Parents, sitting there, with them, day in, day out... their patience being tested, but with enough courage and strength for all involved. The horrible night scenes of pain and desperation, as the effects of the medicines kicked in...

I left there humbled.

Amazed that when I got back, people were discussing 'fashion' and 'cars', everyday chit chat, the type I had often had as well, but this time it was different, it no longer seemed important, it no longer seemed necessary, but simply pointless and shallow.
It took a while, but as it happens, life fell back into place, and relieved that our daughter was declared 'unexplainably healthy' ...old patterns returned.

Another disaster moment, hit. Separation. The world turned upside down and a rollercoaster ride of emotions set it's course. Again, so much seemed so uninportant, so much seemed shoal. Yet once again life found it's way back to me.

Friends going through horrid stories of their own, struggling, drowning, lost and confused, with the same fears and the same emotions, nothing anyone can do for them, but hope and pray they find their way.

I sit here longing for some good old fashioned 'caring', in this totally insane and fast lane life. Hoping people will open their eyes and heart to others, and stop being so acceptive of all the moraly unjust and undone !! No harm in daring to say what you feel, and feel what you say. Straight forward, and honest principal truths.

Time Out

2010-06-07T15:30:00.002+02:00

So...out of pure curiosity and a reminder that my subscription was coming to an end, I once again dared to take a look at the 'online available men catalogue'. Within a few minutes the first message bleeped in my inbox. It was short and to the point. 'I like your picture, if you want more, write back to me'...now there's a real charmer !! ;-)

After a little while a second message entered my inbox, this time it was longer and more flattering, and seeing that the picture looked ok by my standards, I replied. I was soon asked to meet up on MSN. Now you have to know that in the dating world as I know it, being asked to chat on MSN is not always a good thing, so I was reasonably prepared.... About 4 minutes into the light conversation...the topic 'sex' popped up, on my screen... all my courage sank and within seconds I had deleted, blocked and gotten rid of this attention seeking individual.

It seems easy enough, except you end up feeling 'used' and 'abused'. I had decided not to let that happen again, yet there, within seconds it just 'sneaked in'.
It made me re-think the whole dating scene all over again. And without wanting to sound bitter or negative, it just seems to me, that there are no 'honourable' available men out there right now, for some odd reason.

It has left me a little discouraged and disappointed to say the least, yet if I'm very honest, I have no idea how a man would fit into my life, OUR life, anyway...!! I like having the freedom to decide what to do, when and with whom. No TV-channel arguments, shoes to trip over, underwear in the 'lost and found' corner of the bathroom and no snoring in bed (except my own occasional snore..;-)).

Yet I find myself sending a 'message' to a much younger friendly looking man. He responds kindly and even seems keen to meet. Still young enough to 'block' the thought of me having 3 kids out of his mind for now and sensible enough to wait and see if there is even a 'click' between us. He keeps up a cheerful and amusing email conversation with me for a few days and then drags his MSN out of the 'dustbin' to engage in quicker chit chat. He is too kind, too soft and too willing once again. So interest is lost from my side. Unbelievable.
How is it possible that we seem programmed to mainly want what we can't have ?!

So I let the contact die out once again....this time it's a good and sensible decision. He's too young, and deserves a life and litter of his own !

The quest however does not continue.... it's TIME OUT, time to enjoy a wonderful summer with the kids. I feel relieved, free and I look forward to this new fase I'm entering....

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex and the City

Livin La Vida Loca - Ricky Martin (HD)

2010-06-04T13:26:00.000+02:00

Market Values

2010-06-02T19:36:00.001+02:00

Have you ever needed something and thought you'd 'pop' into the nearest grocery store for a quick-grab-and-exit-in-a-jiffy-buy ?!

Well, that is NOT possible at my local supermarket. It takes at least 10 minutes to find a spot where you can decently park your car... (and no, I am not a wuss at parking !! ;-)) and if you're completely out of luck you get to wait for an old 'person' to reverse their 'car' out of an allotted space 'mushed' between the lines. This can take up to 10 manoeuvres...
Right...once parked and happily walking towards the trolley that you never seem to have correct change for ....you ask kindly if you could exchange your usually bigger amount of money for the trolley someone is bringing back. NO WAY !!!! Don't ever think that people will just 'sell' their trolley to you....NO, they want the exact amount they put into the slot, and all hell breaks loose if they have one of those special magic 'fits-into-all-trolleys-coin', then you know for sure they will never give it up for any bribe offered !!!

So...you've survived the carpark, enter supermarket....

When walking in you walk past all the cashiers only to be greeted by all your other 'annoyed' and 'flushed out' friends who have made it to the the cash register, and are about to burst, but mellow at the sight of a friendly face.

You continue your trot into the fruits and vegetables freezer, and I say freezer because I swear they have below zero temperatures in there, once you cross the barrier of hard plastic-see-through-car-wash-type-curtains, you enter a world of utter coldness, even the fruits and vegetables seem to shudder and quiver.
If you're looking for tomatoes, you have 5 rows to choose from, now this might seem a luxury, but it's not if you find exactly the same produce in 5 inconsecutive alleys...somehow, even though the supply is plentiful, you always end up 'forgetting' the tomatoes in the end.

Once you exit this ice paradise, you can defrost in the bakery area of the supermarket, which you enter by passing through yet again, another plastic curtain, and for some odd reason, unbeknown to ANYONE, there is once again a 'cold' area for the fruit juices, yoghurts and milk, right next to the 'ice paradise' but not IN it.

If you have kids, you know how they love to skip from tile to tile or over certain ones and not on others, well, this game is a blast in this particular supermarket as the 'tiling-system' is non-existant !!! Tiles everywhere, all sizes, all ranges of beige and 'dirt' look, all shapes and all textures...tile heaven.
To an organised person this is not a very pleasant sight. To a less organised person this only brings more tension on whilst shopping around, I'm sure !

The way in which the alleys seem to have been layed out is a real mystery, after having passed the bakery, with the cold wall of milk and juices, you enter the world of candy and crisps on the left, and lanes of cornflakes and jam, cleaning products and rat poison, underwear and dvd's, world produce and healthy foods on the right, whilst continuing your walk into YET ANOTHER cold zone !!!! This is where the 'real' freezers are, frozen peas, carrots, ice-cream, fishsticks etc. They have timed this impecably as by now you are fully defrosted and the process can start all over again....
Approaching the 'end' you get to grab your toiletries and beauty products, bombarded by several shelves of newly advertised products, and tv screens promoting ant repellent or the most fabulous wonder mop invented !!

Finally....you've reached the end of your shopping list and make your way to the till, proud to have managed all this in just under 10 minutes, only to find yourself stuck in the worst 'trolley-traffic jam' ever. Unfriendly and utterly annoyed people, who have been queuing for many a minute....You pray, and hope you've chosen wisely and preferably the quickest row. But 10 minutes into it, you remember why you hate walking into this supermarket. There are no supermarket values, no perks, no nothing here, just a lot of wasted time. Valuable time, as we all have places to be, and people to see, and children to feed.

When it is just about your turn, the lady infront of you starts an elaborate conversation with the cashier, which slows down and sometimes even shuts down the whole process. Sometimes, if you're truly out of luck, you will get presented with a sign saying the cash register is closed and you may queue elsewhere. It is a frequent occurrence and I'm afraid some people do not survive it.

Right...time to pay, after unloading all your stuff onto the 'conveyor belt' and re-loading back into the trolley...you have nearly made it. Oh no, first you are asked if you have a fidelity card, if you want stamps to save up for pots, pans, towels, actually anything domestic.., and then you get an overload of plastic JUNK toys, that your kids are meant to collect, forcing you to return to this horrid scene !!!!

This agonizing trip is not meant to be made ever again !!! So why do I find myself parking here again ?! Am I hopeful, or just a complete FOOL !!!

Important People !

2010-05-24T21:01:00.000+02:00

After having practically begged for some 'followers' I decided it is not me, but a whole other group of people who should get praise and thanks for all they've done and for all they mean to me !!

About 4 years ago, I entered the world of single-hood...scared to death and helplessly wounded I found myself doing everything alone for the first time in 17 years. It was horrid and so very painful. I used to walk/drive around with a 'pain' in my stomach that would just never leave or subside...I felt extremely dismantled and somewhat like an entire body mass had been removed from me, yet I still seemed to be experiencing 'ghost pains'. I remember the weekends, sometimes driving around with the kids to visit my parents, I'd encounter cars full of 'complete' families (of course that is all you see, when you feel 'incomplete' yourself)...and I'd get that awful nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach all over again. Always feeling the odd one out, always feeling alone, always wondering why, always asking myself for how long. I think this lasted for nearly 3 years and then all of a sudden I noticed that I no longer felt lonely and sorry for myself, but independent, happy and free.

In those 3 years, I cried full rivers, felt the heartache literally disable me physically at times yet at each worst moment, someone was there. Always a friend. Always a smile, and a hug.....words of care and wisdom....friendship in it's purest form. To this day, it has amazed me what compassion and empathy people can give you when you need it most. I got letters from people I hardly knew, telling me how sorry they were and how unexpected it all was to them. Words of encouragement and praise for (seemingly) handling 'it' all so well and with dignity. Each and every time I was touched, yet felt the need to explain that I was not blameless in it all, I too had my part, and I too did my share of damage....there is never just one side to blame when two parties are involved.

I received books, cards, emails, visits, invitations to dinners, lunches, coffees, anything....and my children were loved and cuddled and listened to by all of these hero friends. At times it was hard to hear them say some of the things they said, for it was not always what I wanted to hear, but I tried my best to listen, to grow, and to evolve from the 'lost' person I had become. I learnt to have my own opinion again, to laugh again, to enjoy all the littlest things, I even did some things I never expected I could do. (Once I found a dead dove on the balcony and I had to pick it up to discard it, it took all my courage to do so. Death seemed an ongoing theme, for I found a dead squirrel, two dead doves, dead mice, and even a dead cat in those days. One day even a live bat in my bathroom !! All of which I must say, I survived, often with a bit of help lots of laughter and sometimes tears, joined by my heroic helpful friends).

It seems a miracle that I did. Each day was a huge task to get up, and keep going. Each day, I was grateful to have 3 wonderful children, and loving friends and family. Yet each day I wanted to try it alone. I never was alone. There was always a guardian soul somewhere. At times I even wondered how it was possible that so many people could care so much, and do so much, just for me....

Each and every person in a different way, yet still so touching and so effective. Never growing tired of 'being there' for me, for us. Never.

Even now, finding myself perfectly capable of living and enjoying life to the fullest again, there is always a person hiding round the corner, surprising me with affection, kindness, and most importantly unconditional friendship. THANK YOU. Thank you for having been there, for being here and for showing me that no matter what, you will always be there.

(You all know who you are....and I love you to bits, my most important people !!!)

Followers

2010-05-22T21:58:00.004+02:00

It has begaffled me (sounds nicer than baffled, even though it's non-existent-as-far-as-I-know) that there is an option 'followers' on this blog system. That means that if someone is actively a reader of your blog, they have the possibility to 'enroll' as a 'follower'. I find this fascinating. I, myself am a curious 'follower' of a few blogs and must say that it always surprises me to see how popular others are, just judging from the amount of 'followers' they have !

So....since I have exactly ONE follower, and a lovely one at that, I am feeling a little left out of the 'in-crowd'. I'm hoping it's not a reflection on my writing skills or crazy story-telling-talent. ;-)

I'm thinking that probably...some readers would rather stay anonymous. You see, just because I bare MY soul, it doesn't mean others will do the same and join. Everyone is different, I know, but I have often wondered if life wouldn't be easier if we would just open up ourselves a little more to others and not be so afraid of getting 'trampled'. However hurtful that could turn out to be....
It broadens our emotional scope you see, you become more vulnerable, yes...but in return, your heart and soul open up and kindness and empathy start seeping out. The world seems happier, and life much easier....well, until or unless you are confronted with the brutes around us. Those who live by their own rules and no one else's...taking only their own feelings and wishes into account ....thinking themselves better than others just because.

I have encountered those a few times I'm afraid to say. Those who do not care what maelstrom is caused by their actions or words. The type that bulldozer themselves through life, leaving trails of devastation, yet not once looking back to see the damage, and on the rare occassion that they DO look back, it will never occur to them that they mlight have had anything to do with it.

Nothing wrong with trying to educate some sense and sensibility into them, trying only to find a balance which suits us all. Is that possible ?!

Can we all just be a little kinder and more loving ?! Instead of so judgemental and opinionated ....I wonder...

Oops, side tracked ....

Back to 'followers' .....my point being....if you enjoy reading this 'stuff' and feel no shame to admit to it...please feel free to start filling up my 'followers' box that looks so utterly lonely and pathetic with just the one devoted friend follower !!

I, on my side promise to keep you entertained and up to date on the latest of life's happenings...all twists and turns, the good and the bad, the funny and the sad....

Next topic is ..... 'complicated'...;-)

Men in Trees

2010-05-16T23:30:00.006+02:00

Men in Trees happens to be one of my favourite shows on tv. I have the feeling it's not a very popular series, probably due to the late broadcasting hour.

I love it though.

It's about a relationship guru who moves to Alaska after a very humiliating break up in New York. She finds herself in a tiny town for her book promotion and decides to stay and learn more about men, as she realises there is a 10 to 1 men to women ratio there. It touches on fashion, relationships, family bonds, and life's usual dilema's...Marin, the writer always knows the right things to say, she seems to 'feel' what path to take, yet she too sometimes wonders if she's on the right track.

Love is complicated. It doesn't seem so when you're in your 20's but as life is lived, and love is learnt, you realise it's not an easy venture. I have come to understand that being who I am today, and carrying with me all my treasures and spices that I aquired in the past decennia, makes me extremely un-everything in the present available-men-market.
It has become clear that men who are around my own age and have no children, run from me as fast as they can. Those a bit older without children, usually have some sort of psychological reason why they do not, yet have kids. Most of these men have worked long and hard, and have given their career priority for years, hoping that there would still be enough time at some point to have a family. (This is of course possible due to all the willing young ladies, who fall for the charms of an older man...;-)) Single men, with kids, I have not yet dated, as they seem far too happy to finally be 'free' again ...!!

A man whom I had only had email contact with, and had met via online dating, reacted very keenly to me. He seemed lovely, caring, and very interested. The fact that I have children was no problem to him but a wonderful gift. He wanted to do anything and everything for me. Having found out who my favorite singer was, he would have gotten me tickets to the concert in NY if he could have (they were sold out...). One of my favourite TV show's is Top Gear and it was going to be filmed in Holland in January of this year, and he was allready planning to get us tickets. He wanted to send me chocolates and gifts, but something in me kept holding off the boat.

He was too generous, too nice, too kind, too accepting, too willing and too desperate.

Apparently that was not good enough for me...actually, it scared the ~~hell~~ living daylights out of me. So I stopped all contact with him.
I chose the guy who didn't have time for me, who was always too busy to get together, who had told me he didn't want a woman with children and that he could not offer me any kind of serious commitment or relationship. I was smitten.

Yes, I was nuts too. But I didn't see that at the time. I just enjoyed the few and short times we planned our dates. Thinking of course he would fall head over heals in love with me as time passed and he got to know me better. Nope, none of that happened. The dates became fewer, the phonecalls stopped, all contact was lost....a few times it seemed that it was rescusitable...fresh new air was blown into a tiny linger of hope...only to make it's point even more clearly. It was over. No chance of survival. Dead.

That left me with again huge questions and no answers about relationships. Just like Marin in Men in Trees, I've tried to figure out how it 'works'....but there does not seem to be a guide for these type of life's challenges. You just need to live them, love them and survive them.

I have removed the 'please use or abuse me' sign off my forehead, and hope that the new sign 'Treasure me and my spices' will attract a better crowd ! ;-)

Spring Cleaning

2010-05-09T12:01:00.000+02:00

Apparently it brings order to the mind to do a bit of spring cleaning once in a while. Having spent three weeks in Bahrain, feeling like the Queen of Sheba, I decided upon return to my own castle that it was time for some serious cleaning and clearing.

I had the will, but no idea where to start, you see, once you begin re-organizing stuff around, it looks and feels like an atomic bomb just hit the insides of your house. Everything has lost it's place and awaits a new spot with great anticipation. Every item is strictly judged and it is decided whether it earns a place in the great fort or if it gets an honourable spot in a grey bag, destined for the garbage container. Every useless item hit me with amazement as to why I had kept hoarding all this insignificant junk. Years of accumulation and impulsive shopping spree's are the culprit of this mess, I'm afraid. Why we humans feel the need to collect and keep so much is a riddle to me.

I decided to be ruthless.

Everytime I ploughed through a room of chaos and disorder and slowly but surely reorganized it, I felt a little bit of uncluttering in my cerebral space too. Funny how that works. It's a load off your schoulders. A breath of fresh air. A move in the right direction. In short, ORDER.

Like a puzzle which at first seems juggled and mixed up, slowly but surely structure appears and it becomes apparent what the (big ) picture is. So, as I created order, room by room, I slowly uncluttered my mind of all the useless mess it was stuffed with. It became clear to me that I was going about things the wrong way. Not only was I now taking care of my household, but I was also letting go of many emotions that had gotten stuck or just stowed away. What a relief and what a sense of 'clarity' appeared.

Just like you realize that some old stuff is just really never going to be used ever again, you realize that letting go and moving on isn't scary but a wonderful enlightment !!

So my castle is now nearly spic and span, at least until the next spring cleaning frenzy ! ;-)

Slightly Mad

2010-05-03T19:59:00.000+02:00

You know you're going slightly mad when you lie in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep because only thoughts of what you'd like to write about next keep bulleting through your mind yet you know the clock says 1:35am. You should actually be asleep by now, as the morning is always there a lot sooner than expected. Yet here I sit, laptop on my lap (I guess that's where you should have it, according to what they named the thing...) and typing away...

Tonight was a night to remember.

A few months ago, I had a birthday party of a friend who's crossed the bridge into his forties. It was a disco party and we were all dressed up accordingly. After a few good drinks a group of us sat in the kitchen and a great idea was born ...we were going to celebrate Queensday (a very very Dutch festivity, held anually to commemorate the birthday of the Queen - in actual fact it is Queen Juliana's birthday we still celebrate and not the present Queen's). The celebrations were to take place at our local bar/pub and I was in charge of promoting it within the local Dutch community here in our town. It was a wonderful idea.

As April neared, I had not heard much about the whole initiative anymore, so I assumed the plan was far too ludicrous to introduce to our local bunch of friends.
But, whilst 'stranded' in Bahrain, and having only the computer as my link home, it became apparent that the party would most certainly be held ! So, it was all set in motion, invitations made and sent per electronic-cyber-space-links and pages, dress code, and the place to be were promoted...

Let's get this party started ....!!!

I dressed up in an orange T shirt and jeans, and wore my trademark Living la Vida Loca - orange view sunglasses ! When I got there I could see that some people had really made an effort and it inmediately put me into party-mode ! It was a lovely warm spring evening and it was still great weather to enjoy the terrace, so we did. Until we were literaly blown into the party.
So many people turned up, it was unbelievable, most of them wearing something orange, although I can't blame the non-Dutch people as they decided orange was too outrageous a colour to wear....Afterall you have to feel great in your skin to be mad enough to wear orange right ? Well I did, and so did many others, and it brought about exactly what it's supposed to....team spirit !!!

And I guess that's what the Dutch are good at....Team Spirit...we have great hockey players, football players, and the whole country seems to follow them around in clouds of orange. We are proud of our fellow country men whenever they achieve the seemingly impossible. We are a tiny country that thinks in huge terms...and, even if I say so myself....we are Grand at it !!!

So....back to the clock, that has now ticked way past 3am...this barking mad Dutch woman is off to get some beauty sleep.... !!!

Tales of Bahrain - Burqa

2010-04-19T23:25:00.008+02:00

Having booked a holiday to a Muslim country where women wear Burqas had me slightly nervous to say the least. As some of you may know, my children are very European and not at all prudish, so, I had to instruct the girls to please pack their bikini tops (no topless sunbathing this time...) and some longsleeved shirts and trousers. They could not understand why we would ever need those in the Bahraini heat, but I insisted and they were all packed into the suitcase.
Having gained a few 'winter pounds' myself, I was quite happy not to have to 'show' it all... so I too left well equipped and with the proper attire.

We arrived at the airport and I couldn't help but feel a little intimidated by all the men in their white 'gowns' properly called a 'thawb' or 'thobe'..the few women we encountered were dressed in Burqas and so my first impression was made.

I came in thinking all men here were evil and women had to be humble and had no rights whatsoever.

As we took our tours of the local shoppingmalls...yes, I admit I have to check those out before any other local sightseeing or museums...I started noticing that there does not seem to be a set of rules about how much of the Burqa outfit you are supposed to wear. Some women wear the complete thing, covering everything even the eyes...well, they have a bit of see through cloth so they don't trip or bump into anybody as that is a big no no. (I have to say that I wonder how the men recognise their own wives...do they carry some sort of tracking device ?!) Whereas other women only wear something on their head in the style of Amy Winehouse's hairdo and skinny jeans look. Another group likes to wear the Burqa dress (abaya), but leaves out any hair or head accesories and then there are women that dress too tartish to even mention.....
Spending the afternoon at the Ritz one day I even saw a Burkini !!! Yes....a Burqa...bikini !!! It looks magnificent ! And to tell you the truth it would have looked better on me than my skimpy, barely covering my rolls, bikini. My only concern was how excruciatingly warm the whole thing looked... how cold it must feel when exiting the water ... and also how drenched one must feel when wearing it all day at the pool as it is a one piece body suit type thing. They came in all colours and I have to say it made them look like someone straight out of a Star Trek episode....for those of you of the next generation....I guess Avatar would do too...

The proper every day Burqa's are by no means plain black. I have seen them embroidered colourfully or even with Swarovsky crystals and diamonds and I swear I even think I saw one that said ''Juicy" in glittery letters on the sleeve !!! ;-)
My sister informed me that there are many couturiers who design Burqa's, it's just not something I would ever have imagined, but there is a whole Burka Fashion World out there.... !!!

Therefore it is a faux pas not to accompany your beautiful designer Burqa by an even more expensive designer bag. And so a vast array of Louis Vuitton, Prada, and Gucci are trustworthy companions in this fashion 'marriage' ( you must pronounce this last word with a French accent for the effect...it sounds more sophisticated that way).

So, once my eyes had been opened to this I observed every single lady in a Burqa with great curiousity and admiration.
I also saw these same women out shopping with their husbands, (now to me that was a very progressive thing, as the ex hated going shopping for clothes with me...) patiently waiting on lounge chairs and of course happily paying for stacks of, what to me seemed useless buys as no one would ever see them wearing any of it. But even so it was all bought and probably worn underneath their Burqa and indoors when home alone.

It has intrigued me tremendously, and I have to say that being someone who feels that a person's eyes are the doorway to their soul, I found it much more of an intimate experience to often only have their eyes to look at or into, much more so than any low cut top or maxi mini skirt could ever have revealed.

So I will one day leave here with a different view....

Muslim Burqa wearing women are fashionistas and like all women....they love it when the man picks up the tab !!!

Tales of Bahrain - The Ritz

2010-04-17T00:29:00.002+02:00

The Expat life is a very unique one. Slight dissimilarities occur in varying overseas countries through different customs and local habits, but generally expat life is very much alike.

I grew up in such a life of luxury and now once again find myself experiencing it on a visit to my sister who lives abroad. So many memories of it are coming back to me, and being here sometimes makes it somewhat a surreal deja vu.

Vangie my sister's household help is addicted to karaoke. Every night she retreats into her own quarters and sings the night away. It is a form of stress relief I am told, ...of walking the dog, doing the household chores and sometimes babysitting the kids. She has two of her own as well, grown ups themselves now, as super Vangie is apparently 52 but doesn't look a day over 40.

My sister and her family are members of the Ritz Club. This sounds horribly posh and in fact is....but it is a very normal thing to do if one lives abroad. It's part of socializing and enjoying the perks of life overseas. (Not necessarily The Ritz, but any nice club with a pool, some children's facilities and preferably a beach and good food, will do). The Ritz membership opens only for short periods of time and only platinum members are allowed to join, this to ensure that the right crowd fills the scene of course making it even more desirable. Platinum membership...meaning you have to bring in loads of 'platinum' (yes...money) to join. So, now for a week, I too have been a 'platinum' member as family of the lucky few are allowed to visit and enjoy the facilities...at an extra price of course....of...even more platinum money! If I would have been Vangie, the household help, I could have gone in for free with my sister, as members are more than encouraged to bring their nannies or maids to tend to the children.

You pay for service, naturally, as fantastic security is standing guard at the entrance, checking every single car with an oversized dentist mirror, which is placed beneath each vehicle for accurate observation, checking for bombs and boobs...(well, they don't check out the boobs on purpose, it's just that most women around here dress a bit more conservatively than the beach loving expats).
Once you've parked and made your way through security at the entrance door, once again checking for suspicious objects and obvious boobs then you get to sign in properly in a guestbook by the aquarium filled with tropical fish. After that it's clear sailing to the pool and beach area, where you are treated like His Royal Highness Himself. Men rush to place your sunchairs in the right sunlight, crisp white towels are placed neatly on top of them (two of course as one is so passee). A few minutes later, and I think they time this...another guy rushes over to take your drinks order....only to come back a little while later with drinks and the bill, realising he forgot to take off the 20% platinum discount you get as platinum member....duh...!!!

All morning one wades in the sea and naps in the sun, then at mid day feeling peckish one strolls towards the lunchbar and chooses from a selection of salads, and sandwiches and once again, waiters crowd the tables like eager flies.

After lunch, a brisk walk along the man made beach scenery and then, back to the sunbed for a siesta. Awakened by a frlendly looking man, asking if you would like yet another drink. Which you do, because Bahraini temperatures make you want to rehydrate as often as possible.

At the end of the day, feeling sunkissed and tired from all the socializing, eating and sleeping...one trots down the same path of entry and kindly thanks all those souls that jumped at every request made.
I sometimes wonder if they were genuinely happy to hear us say, 'see you tomorrow'.... !!

PS. The kids have a completely different experience of this, if you ask them about their day at the beach, they will tell you they went fishing, crab hunting, built sand pyramids (or in our case volcanoe's) and they loved the hotdogs with french fries and ice cream for lunch. Naturally leaving out all their fights, arguments and temper tantrums...which in most cases the nannies had to deal with anyway as the parents were too busy doing all of the above. ;-)

Stay tuned for more Bahraini tales....

Somewhere over the Rainbow

2010-04-12T20:26:00.004+02:00

As I sit relaxing in the Bahraini sunshine, enjoying the warmth and soft sea breeze, I can hear my kids' laughter in the distance as they are playing in the clear blue water, I notice several couples. Man and wife, with their children, enjoying a day out together or perhaps even an entire holiday. They look happy, sometimes very much in love still, strolling on the beach, hand in hand kids at their sides. Often stopping to admire their children playing or swimming, talking amongst themselves, enjoying, and sharing these special moments. Moments they created together the day they decided to start and become that family.

Some couples even grow to look alike whilst others just have the same mannerisms. The one thing they all have in common is that recognisable look of sheer pride and joy between them as they watch their biggest accomplishment ever made.

Their children.

The music playing through the lunchbar speakers makes it all even more idyllic and I find myself seeing everything through rose coloured glasses. Thinking all these people are as blissfully happy as this holiday scenery is making them seem. Or maybe....they truly are happy. Maybe... some couples go through life happy to have found each other in their distant past. Is this really the case and what makes and keeps them happy?

It seems so rare these days that I can't help but wonder if only a few lucky souls are allowed to know the secret formula ?!

From what I can see, it has nothing to do with looks, physical appearance, or size. It's a strong bond and it's found within a certain glance they share with one another, unreachable to the outsiders naked eye, yet so apparent and soul reaching. A specific glance only known to them, and exchanged between them.

I lay here admiring it. Remembering what it was like and feeling proud to recognize it. Still at times sharing rare moments of it, but never quite the same. Is it possible to experience it more than once in life? Or is this something shared only within that family circle. Would I be prepared to let someone in to such private "territory". Risking letting down the newly set up "boundaries" to build new ones creating a new and totally different "formation" and "configuration"?!

Seeing the world today through these 'happy' glasses, feels good and once again establishes hope of what may one day be found somewhere over the rainbow... for now I'm sharing this feeling without the glance, with me, myself and I .... and my own inner soul. ;-)

Tales of Bahrain

2010-04-11T20:34:00.003+02:00

Coming soon......!!!!

Intercontinental Supermom

2010-04-08T23:07:00.002+02:00

Packed our bags...ready to go....

The kids and I are off on our first intercontinental trip together ever...just the four of us. I feel utterly responsible and a little nervous because I'm the only adult in charge, and for some strange reason I still kind of feel an UM (an Unaccompanied Minor). First we're taking the train and then a seven hour flight to Bahrain. Will I manage with two suitcases, and three kids to watch over ?!

Of course I will !!

It will be peanuts....I've gotten used to travelling alone with them now. Last year we took a trip to France. I drove for 9 straight hours, the kids felt like the Three Musketeers in the back of our Volvo and I was their hero mom, with my GPS man always available for on the spot traffic news updates.

We had a blast that summer. Packed a picnic, drinks and plenty of junkfood to survive any major six month war, and off we were. By the time we'd been in the car for 20 solid minutes, most of the sandwiches had been devoured, and our first sanitary stop was pleaded. Impatient as I am, I explained that at this rate we would never get to the south of France. So, after a quick stop, we jumped back in the car and decided to only stop again if strictly necessary. I must say the kids are now pro's at this. We stop, jump out, refuel, pay, kids and I rush to the toilets and then we dash back to the car, ready for our next stretch. Sometimes we only stop for fuel and my son has become very handy at urinating in an empty plastic bottle in full motion ! ;-) I am so proud of him !

So, this should be a piece of cake.

I've explained about the different religious customs over there and even though they find some aspects incomprehensible, I think they understand that they need to be on their best behaviour. We're off to visit my sister and her family, who left last year to settle in dust town ! They have been enjoying the expat life one that we too had as children of expat parents. Sunny weather and warm temperatures have been predicted and so we've happily packed our swimsuits and slippers, sunblock in hand we say goodbye to the cloudy, rainy and cold European weather !

Something I may have casually left out of my heroic tale, is that I am terrified of flying. Hence my drive to France last year. It is a fear I do not wish upon my children, so I buckle up and bravely pretend I love it. Last year on a trip to Denmark with the kids, my son kept asking me when the plane was going to crash. Having no idea what or how to answer him, I kind of ignored the question, constantly pretending I could spot something utterly amazing through the window and so leading his attention away from my biggest fear. It's true I think, what they say, children have a sixth sense for these things and so tomorrow we will all be getting on the plane and whilst my kids are scared to death that we will crash, I will be in utter zen mode, pretending I am totally at peace about flying. As usual we will say our prayers before take off and hope that God will stick to our unspoken deal. (If we are to crash, let it be straight away and not after a long and stressful flight, that is just ~~plane~~ plain cruel.) Supermom and the three musketeers flying off to new horizons.

Who's kidding whom huh ?!!

Busted

2010-04-07T00:58:00.002+02:00

For years I thought I was invincible...

I'm not one of those people that drives fast in an agressive way, I just love the way my car feels as it's floating over the road, when I reach a certain speed. I love to drive, and when possible I will drive at vfast velocity. For years I have been lucky enough not to get caught and only sometimes did a fine end up on my doorstep.
Last summer I drove through the french countryside and I think the kids only remember seeing stripes of green and lavender as we speeded over the perfectly maintained toll roads. At times joined by another fellow speedster each taking turns leading the way, only stopping for fuel or quick sanitary breaks.

Twice last week, a friend of mine had to give me a call, asking me if I had been the blue blurr racing past. And both times I had to admit that I had been in a hurry and was driving slightly over the limit.

Many friends predicted that one day...I would get caught....and yet..I felt invincible.

Last Saturday, the kids and I were on our way to visit my parents and the roads were empty and calm. Plenty of space to enjoy pressing down the accelerator and of course I did just that. Without going into great detail suffice it to say, it was plenty fast.
Then a little white figure on a motorbike appeared in the distance and I let go of the gaspedal and even stepped on my breaks a bit, hoping (against better judgement ) that I would not be noticed. I drove right past the police officer and for a second thought he may not follow, but he did, and of course signed me to follow him to the next stop. So I did.

At arrival, I was greated by an entire army of police men (none of which seemed nice enough, as by now I'm sure you all know I screen for possible dates in whatever situation ...;-)).
The motorbike officer, a bearded fellow who looked a lot like a young version of Santa Claus, asked me for my drivers license and registration. I handed everything over and sheepishly asked him if maybe he could let me off with a warning this time. He could hardly believe what I had just asked of him and kindly but strictly reminded me that I had been caught on camera, and that I had exceeded the limit by so much that I had to hand in my license per direct.

I was overcome by a sense of impossibility, yet I did not feel the need to rebel or throw a tantrum about it. I let it go, and accepted my fate.

Whilst I sat there filling in papers, answering questions and blowing into a weird box to test for alcohol ( which by the way would have been ridiculous to have in my blood at 11.30am !) I realised I was not as invincible as I had thought. My drivers license was confiscated and I will presumably have to make due without it for the next 15 days.

A friend and his wife were kind enough to come to the rescue and drive me, the car and the kids home. I felt defeated, numbed and especially silly for having thought I could avoid ever getting caught.

Now, feeling amputated in a way, I find myself dependant on others and their kindness to drive this caught out speed offender around.
Have I learnt my lesson? I cannot yet say...as I may be harbouring a Speedy Gonzales dna perpetrator within me. Question is...does he speak fine language ?! Or does he too believe he is invincible ?!

To speed or not to speed, that ~~remains~~ is the question.... ;-)

Mr. Hunky Dory Pagent

2010-04-04T22:38:00.002+02:00

Last Thursday we held the Mr. Hunky Dory Pagent and in doing so decided to raise some money and awareness for breast cancer research, and so we made it a funfilled charity event !
Most of the fun was in the preparation of it all. One of my best friends and I went into town Tuesday on our quest for the perfect gift to give to our winning contestant. Seeing as it was only men competing, we could think of only one theme of interest...sex. So off we went to the sex shop to buy a prize worthy gift.

We couldn't quite find the shop and decided to call my friend's husband and ask him for directions. This led to a lunch date with him in town.....we agreed to meet him in a cosy restaurant next to the sexshop. My friend and I chose a table to sit at and were suddenly bulleted by sugar cubes...the culprits were two men sitting upstairs, one a friend and aquaintance, the other I had only met once before. They too joined us at our table and we started telling them about our Mr. Hunky Dory Pagent and Pink Ribbon cause with great enthousiasm. The guy I hardly knew suddenly offered me dvd's, as many as I would like he said. I didn't quite get it and wondered what it was he was actually offering me, but without letting on that I had no clue, I kept the conversation going and told them all about our intent for the pagent. Again he offered me dvd's this time he asked me how many I would need ...20..., 30... and that I could pick them up right after lunch as he had them at the office. By this stage, I really wanted to know what kind of dvd's he was talking about, so I cautiously asked him. Everyone at the table started laughing, and as it turns out, he organizes the erotic fairs and he was offering me sextapes. I'm afaid I felt truly naive, but I thanked him and took him up on his offer !!

Thursday....the ex, our kids and I went to hang up all the balloons and the Mr. Hunky Dory Pagent 2010 banner, which was kindly donated to me by the ex. - I think he still thought I was going to be Mr. Hunky Dory's prize and he was probably happy to finally be getting rid of me once and for all ! ;-)

We started off our festivities with a girly dinner at the Chinees restaurant and then we were off to the café hosting our event! I pinned all the women with home made pink ribbons and started my search for Mr. Hunky Dory's. Two men offered to do a catwalk show on the bar practically straight away, and as promised they got on the bar, and gave us a fantastic show...hips and waists moving rythmically to the music, and then all of a sudden T.shirts were taken off !! I think they loved the attention and therefore gave us a great performance !
Off I was to look for more willing contestants...a few guy friends had promised me they would go on the 'catwalk' for me, to get the party going, but when I approached them, they seemed extremely hesitant and resistant and asked me to get some other 'fools' to do an act first. So off I was...and I found 3 wonderful young guys who told me that they thought it was a fantastic cause and they soon got on the bar and gave us an amazing dance show ! I was so proud of them, so young....yet so willing to do something good for a worthwhile cause !
I approached my guy friends once again and asked them to take the stage, but to my great disappointment, they declined...I couldn't believe it...but nothing I said changed their minds.

One of the two big guys that started the whole thing off won the Mr.Hunky Dory Pagent, he is now the proud owner of ...an inflatable 'pleeeep'. The young guys were awarded the second prize and I am sure they too will put their gifts to good use !

All in all we had a fantastic evening, with many donations and lots of happy people. Who knows we may even have a Mr. Hunky Dory Pagent 2011 next year.... ;-)

For those of you who were paying attention...and were wondering what happened to the sextapes.. sometime at around 2am they disappeared out of a paperbag in no time !! ;-)

Under the Weather...

2010-04-03T18:20:00.000+02:00

Feeling a little under the weather...next blog coming soon ! Sorry guys...

Natural Disaster

2010-03-30T00:40:00.004+02:00

For some reason, all around me couples are splitting up and deciding life is better on their own or with someone new. Relationships seem to have become as disposable as 'chicklets'. Very tasty and good to start off with, yet after a while they become stale and bland.

It makes me wonder if that's how it's supposed to be. After all, why bother recycling, if we can get something new or different. Something that helps us feel as happy as a small kid with a new toy ! Something that feels everlasting again, exciting and fun, like any new challenge does. Put that against your ragged old doll, and the choice seems crystal clear for some.

The pain caused by these decisions is, afterall, only momentary, and sometimes slightly one-side. Often we're left scarred for life, in some way or other, yet we adapt, accept and keep going, because there simply is no other road to take.

It's a strange feeling to be further along the road than some, yet behind on others. It's even stranger that this has become such a frequented road in our modern day society. Seeing that people around me are having to go through the agony of separation and the despair of a broken heart and family, is frustrating to say the least. For many of us it's so recognizable, and even though it is a well known fact that the 'survival' rate is high, the healing process takes time, so much time.

Is the grass truly greener on the other side ?!
Or does that field also need to be regularly looked after,weeded, treated and appreciated ? I'm afraid the answer to this is a simple one, even so as human beings we can be so oblivious to the obvious.

I have desperately tried to explain the intricate consequences of these seemingly simple choices to those making them, but somewhere a point is reached when it's impossible for them to 'see' things with their 'old' eyes and 'former' beliefs.

The newness blurs what is rather not seen.

To those of you out there going through hurtful break ups, and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. Please know that one day, you will breathe again, the sun will shine again, and life starts blooming in your barren heart.
I know that it may be a meagre consolation when life and love seem wasted. But like after a great fire, or volcanic eruption when earth and soil become so much more fertile and prosperous, so do we after this 'natural' disaster!!

Love Marinade

2010-03-27T01:19:00.007+01:00

Cooking is one of the things I truly love doing, but since I am a very impatient and temperamental person, the recipes need to be quick and easy.

A few girlfriends and I were discussing our passion for preparing food and I noticed that they like to spend hours, if not an entire day, preparing, cutting and marinading their meals. I guess, like with everything in life, I just want it now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now. I don't seem to have the patience to let things simmer or slowly come to the boil.

I've often wondered if this is one of my strong points or a huge flaw. My enthousiasm takes me on the wildest rides, and even though I hate rollercoasters, I love these twists and turns, that take me to life's unknown destinations.

A while back, I met someone online, with whom I felt a real connection, but he seemed hesitant to meet me in 'real' life, he told me that he knew himself well enough and couldn't promise me much more than a few dates. I guess he too had a problem with long and complicated recipes. He was kind enough to call and tell me he didn't want to cross the point of no return and felt we would be doing so by acquainting. Of course this triggered the utmost curiosity in me and I couldn't stand him not wanting to even risk one date with me. So..I plucked up the courage and gave him a challenge. Guys are suckers for a good challenge ! ;-)

I was on my way to Denmark for a short visit, and right before I stepped onto the airplane, I sent him a message telling him it was a shame he didn't have the courage to meet me and that I believed in 'No Guts, No Glory' in life....

I flew to Denmark and on my return we had set a date. :-)

As expected we hit it off like a house on fire and I had my first real crush on someone again !! It seemed a fairytale at first, all the important ingredients were there to make it a succesful recipe, but I left no time to marinade and simmer..... and so it was doomed.

Completely convinced that I had learnt my lesson I started dating again, only to keep making exactly the same mistake, leaving little to no time for things to set and rise. After countless attempts at this, my own motto seemed to have become 'inglorious' !!

I wonder if I'll ever get the hang of it, as I'm not good with following instructions to the rule and maybe love and relationships are like pastry baking....you need to weigh and measure everything very carefully or else it's a recipe for disaster.

So, for a change, I think next time, if I'm blessed with one, I will practice long and careful love marination..... !!! ;-)

Boondoggle

2010-03-24T09:27:00.009+01:00

Enough on the men topic for a while....I need to catch my breath and re-focus ! ;-)

Educating kids is not something that comes as easy as actually making them... It's a blessing, and priviledge but it is also a tremendous challenge, as kids have a way of extracting your very worst traits, at times.
My day usually starts off pretty quiet...the alarm goes off a couple of times, giving me plenty of time to adjust to daylight. I wake my kids and whilst I'm taking a relaxing shower, they get dressed. (For those of you with small kids...yes this is possible at a certain point, as long as you train them well ! ;-))
Once dressed and ready they go downstairs for breakfast (or so, they're supposed to). I check their rooms turn off lights where necessary (and after years of training and continuous reminders it is still necessary, yes), and then join them at the breakfast table. On the best of days, we have a reasonably calm breakfast but on some days.....it's like being an officer in the army trying to deal with all sorts of frontline crises. Screaming, hitting, fighting, and looks that can kill, seem to be the war weapons of choice. However patient I hope to remain... I don't. Soon enough my shouting exceeds theirs and for a little while it will deceivingly seem as if we have made peace (this is like the eye of the storm, just a momentary state of quiet).

I start my drill at around eight in the morning..."brush your teath, comb your hair, put your shoes on, get your lunchboxes, wear your sweaters, hurry up, grab your bags, ....all your bags, please hurry up, move, move, move...we're going to be late" (which we never are, as I've learnt to start all the commanding around early enough) !! I'm sure many of you recognize the drill. (Especially mothers as dads somehow seems oblivious to all of this commotion.)

In the car, the seat battle continues....I have banned them from the front seat only to realise that all I did was move the problem to the back seat. Once again fighting over who sits where and why. Usually by this time I truly explode and then we sit in silence until we nearly reach school, where I start telling the kids that this is the last time I want to have this kind of argument with them in the early morning. They sulk yet promise to behave. We all say our happy goodbyes.

At 3 thirty I park my car at the school in happy expectation of seeing my kids again. Whilst I chit-chat with my friends, I wait for the kids to walk out of school. As they are approach me, they each start their own story tyelling and all wanting to be heard first, then angry that I don't pay enough attention, and so I end up in the car once again with 3 angry kids and me wondering how that happened in such a short walk to the car.

The homework battle is one that I do not seem to be able to win. Stuff is left behind in school, homework notebooks are forgotten, reading books suddenly disappear and of course the terrible grade on the exam paper wasn't their fault, as they only got asked questions on topics they had never even discussed in school !! ;-)

In the middle of this mayhem I usually try to make and serve a reasonably healthy and well balanced dinner. Now I have to say that my kids are pretty much omnivores, but I know of motthers who cook 4 different meals to cater to each and everyone's taste.

After dinner the dessert discussion begins, now I am separated and as some of you may know this is when kids use all their guilt trip power on you, telling me that dessert at their dad's house is a bowl of crisps !!! I'm very susceptible to feeling guilty but this is taking it a bridge too far !!! So, new rule is yoghurt or fruit for dessert and no room for negotiation.

Shower time...now this is when true signs of the battle field become visible..the top floor seems to have been hit by a series of towel and clothing bombs, leaving debris scattered around. No one is responsible of course as the opponent is always to blame ! Leaving me, the red-cross-type-Florence Nightingale to deal with the aftermath of this disaster.

This is all followed by another blast of drill-seargent-mom instructions..."put your pj's on, brush your teeth, comb your hair, get into bed, take your medicine, quiet please....it's time to sleep...no, no more water now, go to sleep !!"

And by 8pm this reccuring familiar battle ends....and I am left in a bombshell, with the knowledge that like in the movie 'Groundhog Day' tomorrow will bring exactly the same warfares, and so I prepare for the next boondoggle.*

*any military operation that hasn't been completely thought out. An operation that is absurd or useless.

24hrs in 2 minutes

Mr. Hunky Dory Contest !

2010-03-22T00:18:00.008+01:00

ATTENTION TO ALL MEN !!

It seems that we may be hosting a Mr. Hunky Dory contest soon ! I suggest that all men who feel they comply with the requirements of the competition, enrol asap !

Requirements :

- Preferably Dutch and if you're not, then make sure you have enough looks to make up for it !
- Aged between 30 and 40, an exception can be made if you comply with 90% of the other requirements.
- No kids, but if you have them, then you too need to make up for it with your looks !
- Blond, but with brains
- Blue/green/grey eyes....just not brown !
- Tall-ish
- Good build, that means not too skinny and no beer belly !
- No guts, no glory attitude
- Sexy yet not aware of it, if possible.
- You have a job, a proper one !
- Sense of humor, but if you've read this far, then I guess, you qualifiy for that.

All candidates will be considered and tediously questioned before being officially entered into the Mr. Hunky Dory contest. If you wish to apply leave your name and a number where we can reach you either in the comment box below, or on our fan page on facebook. We will get in touch with you asap.

The prize is an all expenses paid date with a gorgeous, funny, sweet and sexy mother of 3; with no signs of desperate behaviour AT ALL.

PS. You agree that if you are not selected for this contest, you will automatically be entered in the Mr.Hopeless Loser competition. The prize hereof will most likely be the same as mentioned above, but by then she may exhibit desperate behaviour.

Thank You for your interest

The Living la Vida Loca Social Club

Writers Block/Blog !

2010-03-21T19:03:00.008+01:00

Yikes, I haven't been at this for very long yet, but I think I've reached my first writers block moment ! I can't entirely blame myself though...it's the people around me that have caused it. (Ha, isn't it fun to blame others in cases like these ?! ;-))

I hosted a Mexican dinner party the other night...chili con carne, corona beers with lime, tortillas, guacamole, the works...and the first thing I noticed was that no one dared to share a thought, or speak their mind much, afraid that it might be 'printed and published' online by yours truly ! I'm presuming of course...although my sixth sense never lets me down.

Thing is...if you guys start shutting down, well, then there won't be any vida loca stories left to write or tell ! You see, you're my living fun factory !

Thank goodness for alcohol in these cases.....just pour enough into a person and the mouth starts moving and producing sounds again.

Speaking of alcohol-driven-speech....I have a friend who, when sober, is difficult to understand, but when he's had a few drinks...he completely loses me in translation. I didn't have the heart to tell him at first, but after a few encounters at our local bar and me just trying to nod at the right times, laugh when I presumed appropriate and appearing shocked or surprised when it seemed necessary, even though for the past 4 hours I had not understood a word of what he'd said to me.... I decided it would be kinder to just tell him, so in all honesty I have done so. I am happy to report that we are still friends, and I am now becoming a master at deciphering his 'native' tongue.

Mexican night turned into an evening of so much laughter, that I am wondering whether I should tape my face at night, to get rid of all the laugh-wrinkels I seem to be getting by the day. Botox can only do so much and I seem to be laughing so often that my face is starting to show serious signs of a happy life !

For those of you who have only met me in the past few years, you should know that I used to be a very different person. I think I was just fun-factored-out-of-life. Everything and anything seemed difficult, annoying and very tiring. And I used to blame others for my own misery. Afterall, it couldn't jolly well be ME that was making my own life so miserable, could it?!

Thank goodness for ~~shitty~~ tough times in life, because if it weren't for those, I don't think I would have ever woken up to smell the coffee !! (And yes, coffee does smell sooooo good at times !!)

From then on it was easy...my motto was to enjoy life to the fullest. We're only here once, and we have no idea for how long....reality truly hit me.

That's when happy-party-coffee-drinking-sociable-fun-loving-men-craving-outrageous-acting ME was born !! I started Living my Vida Loca!!

Nothing to do with abusive alcohol consumption by the way ! ;-) Just an honest desire to always look on the bright side of life !

Point is ....it doesn't quite matter how you do it, just enjoy life as it comes, pick out the best moments which are always highlighted by the worst, and live from the heart.

I guess it just goes to show that everytime I think I won't have anything to say...I still fill a page with useless, yet entertaining ~~bullshit~~ master pieces !!! ;-)

Wishful Thinking

2010-03-19T10:32:00.007+01:00

To many of you this may sound very odd and maybe even slightly shocking, but I have noticed that my 'vida loca' is not only frequently read and followed online by hard core fans, (yes, I actually have some 'fans').
In 'real' life I've aquired the undivided attention of a few pre-teenage youngsters. Their concern for my 'date quest' is undoubtedly one of the truest and purest forms of curiosity around.

Every Wednesday afternoon, as I have mentioned before in my blogs, I am at the local fieldhockey club. And for the past few weeks, I have noticed that I have been getting a greater number of very devoted 'followers' ...I sit on the bench outside, mostly trying to enjoy the sun and company of friends, yet also sharing my weeks adventures or dilemmas. A group of girls aged around 9 and 10, slowly started 'evesdropping' on my conversations, and by now they see me coming.... rush over to my table to join me and they listen to me with great interest....all-ears-and-chins-on-hands-elbows-on-the-table. They join in once in a while with their own comments and opinions.. so too, happened last week when I was looking for a date to take to the Ball. The girls suggested hanging up posters around the clubhouse, paying someone (to me this seemed a bit over the top, but the girls seemed to think nothing of it..), and one of them even offered me her dad...(although, she rightly thought it may not be appropriate as he is married to her mom ! ;-)).

I have tried to 'shoo' these girls away on many occasions, as I feel that this may be too complicated a topic for them, but it seems that they have been briefed very well, on our current social values these days ! I am often approached by them, only to be asked ....'have you found someone yet ?!' or......'did you have a good time at the Ball' ? It is utterly sweet, yet somewhat eerie that I am now becoming a kind of 'dating-basket-case' for these young apprentices!!

I have, of course tried to inform the girls' parents of their keen interest in me and my 'sagas' but they don't seem to mind, so I continue to 'educate' the girls with my newly acquired knowledge of men, dating and all else that is of importance when one is searching for Mr. Right.

This last week for example I attempted to point out to them that, what one must look for in a man should firstly be 'hunky doriness'. (Yes....I'm shallow and superficial...so what !?!). His looks are important, not necessarily to anyone else, but certainly to you !

So, to put this into practice we found ourselves a target 'hunky dory' guy and observed....

I guess this lesson was a little too soon or complex for the girls, as they migrated away. Which left single-mom-me and one of my best friends infatuated with the chosen 'hunky dory' guy! Giggling away like teeange girls and discussing the pro's and con's of a relationship with such a guy, was just the beginning of an afternoon of great joy ! We went for 'looks' and 'sex-appeal' but I'm afraid there is the issue of him being far too young and us being far too old to drool over him .... ok, it's not a great a gap as Demi and Ashton, (yes the famous Hollywood stars....) but still....I don't look like Demi and the hunky dory guy...well, he is a version of Ashton in my Wednesday-afternoon-vida-loca perception ;-) !

I have since then been laughed at, encouraged and totally declared insane for even daring to think about Mr. Hunky Dory in such a way. There is of course the slight 'problem' that Mr. Hunky Dory has no idea I even sit and drool over him, (and with me enough other girlfriends I might add !!! as I am not the only midlife drooler out there ! ). The fact that this is a totally one sided 'fantasy'.... for there is understandably no way in the world Mr. Hunky Dory would even consider taking a peek at me, makes this an even more ~~unlikely~~ lopsided case!!

So, for next weeks session with my pre-teenage fans, I have decided I will educate them about what to do when after 4 years of solitude one becomes so desperate as to start drooling over a much-too young-unreachable-good-looking guy.... and yes, I think I will have to do quite some research on this topic, as I seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one.

Like last time, it seems wise to start off our weekly session asking the girls to suggest what one should do when one finds oneself in such an unlikely yet wishful situation. ...and maybe, just maybe....they will surprise me yet again, and give me the best advice available on this temporary infatuation of mine. ;-)

If not..I will have had to come up with my own theories on this, and for now, I'm afraid I have none. Just wishful thinking....;-)

Aftermath

2010-03-16T10:41:00.002+01:00

OUCH....truly getting too old to do the 'dance-floor-workout' .....It's day two after the Ball and I look and walk around like someone who has had both legs amputated and replaced by 'wooden' ones....not a pretty sight !!
(With all due respect to those of you who manage to make it look easy coping with such devices !)

Ball was fantastic ! Although the food tasted like airplane platters that had been transported across a few continents before they were served at the table....Yuk !

Start of the night was a chique encounter of mostly 'grown ups'....all dressed fabulously and those who weren't ....well....I just won't mention them ! ;-)

After the dj's made the music and dance introductions, we were treated to a band...and they were absolutely magnificent ! Golden oldies remixed with modern sounds making terrific dance combinations !! Halfway through the evening the 'young ones' joined us and they stood there, crowding the dancefloor yet not moving an inch !! Apparently that is really COOL..... !!!
I received some 'rolling eyes', the kind my daughter can give me when she utterly disapproves of me or thinks I am just being ridiculous...I think the 'looks' I got from some young girls were meant in exactly that way...then again, they didn't worry me at all, as one day, I'm sure, they too will get those looks !!! And I say this with 'rolling eyes' myself ! ;-)

Amidst my tipsy friends, I enjoyed the dancefloor and made a total fool of myself with my 'dance workout' and plain 'I-don't-really-care-what-you-think-of-me-movements-' !!! (Of course only realising today that my leg muscles are not in shape and therefore killing me now !!) The fact that I had no date, left me as free as a bird...and not feeling 'stuck' to anyone in particular, never thought that would be so fulfilling !

Friends started leaving to hit their beds and pillows...yes...we are all getting older...and I deciced to stay and be my single-self !! I must have looked like a total fool, dancing alone, yet having such fun !! A man at the table infront of me, I think, felt so sorry for me that he encouraged his wife to offer me a glass of their pink champagne !! It was a glorious moment of true emancipation !! ;-)

On my way to the 'ladies room' I bumped into some very young guys....claiming they knew me and that I had once predicted their future !!! (Must have been my huge gipsy earings that gave me away ! ;-)) I talked to them a little only to get whispered in my ear by a friend that these guys were truly too young for me !! Whatever gave him the impression of any flirting going on ?! I was in no sense capable of such an act that evening. This was made more than clear once I looked at myself in the mirror of the ladies room and saw that my hair was just atrocious !! Out of pure shock I evacuated the dancefloor and left the building !

My Volvo-carriage with built in GPS-man safely got me home as I had predicted and I enjoyed sharing all my night's tales with him as he always listens and never complains !! ;-)

Cinderella Ball

2010-03-12T10:40:00.012+01:00

Modern Fairytale...

Months ago this Cinderella made reservations to attend a proper Ball. I booked a table for 8, as 3 other couples were more than willing to join me for the dinner festivities which would prelude the actual Ball! I thought, it would be no problem to find myself a date in the in-between-time, but now I am faced with reality....an empty seat at the table tomorrow !!! After having been living the single life now for nearly 4 years, and having had plenty of non-lasting-dates, it seems I am yet again attending this by myself !! ;-)

I can do this, I know that by now, and I will be fun and jolly galore, but inside I know a little piece of me will once again go through total dissapointment and I'll feel like the girl who never got asked to join in gymclass !!

For those of you with a significant other this may all sound foolish and silly. But believe me when I tell you that there are occasions in life when it's best to know that someone is there, right by your side, to get you through it. And Survive ! It installs a sense of 'belonging', I suppose.

That may be what I've been missing out on for a while now. Belonging. So I find myself in a Cinderella-like-situation...

Anyway, I'll be wearing a glittery, navy blue, long, fancy dress, with Cinderella slippers (no, they're not flat, but very high heels as I'm not the tallest or fairest of them all ! ;-)).

Drinks and dinner to get into the mood and then lots of movement on the dancefloor. As a good friend of mine likes to call it....it's our 'workout' !!! At this point all the young adults will join us and if all goes well, it will be the modern day Fairytail Ball! By then I will have long forgotten, about the empty seat next to me at the dinner table and my spirits will be up !

At the magical hour, this Cinderella will leave the Ball, walk herself to her car (yes, my feet will surely be killing me by now...) where my loyal volvo-carriage will be awaiting me in the underground parking. The GPS man will safely guide me home and the next morning I will once again see BOTH my slippers tossed into a corner of the wardrobe.....

Back to living the vida loca ! ;-)

Girly-Mom-Talk

2010-03-08T15:35:00.004+01:00

Every Wednesday, my kids have hockey practice and since I have 3 kids, I spend nearly all afternoon at the hockey club. There are plenty of other mothers who do exactly the same on Wednesday afternoon...that is...drive everyone around in an organized fashion, so that they can punctually be at their required sports/singing/birthdays etc. activities. It is on these afternoons that I am so happy to have a comfortable car, with a great selection of music cd's to keep me company on my rush-around-town !

All mothers of 'chicks' and 'squirrels' (yes, that's how we call our first and second year hockey players), are supposed to hang around the club as long as their little sprouts are on the field training. This has been made compulsory so that if any accidents were to happen, mothers can rush to the rescue !

Wednesday's have now become a true social event for most of us. We have the 'wine' group, that settles under a huge parasol with heaters all around them, and they enjoy their cigarettes and wine for most of the afternoon. Then we have the tea-and-coffee-drinking-moms who seem to always be cold and therefore spend most of the afternoon indoors, unless of course the sun is shining in which case they migrate towards the benches outside on the terrace. Now...when the sun is shining, the spirits are up too ! Loud giggling and raised voices can be heard all over the place, mothers enthousiastically sharing their midweek's stories !

These are the days I love most.
These are the days I prosper.

I seem to get such energy from listening to these wonderful women and mothers. Hearing all of their worries and insecurities, as well as many of their great joys and adventures in life. Realising we are all different, yet so alike.
We will discuss anything on these sunny afternoon's, from school problems to bikini waxing, from men to dating experiences, from travel trips to home improvement advice. Yes, as you can imagine enough food for hilarious conversations and various thoughts and opinions.

We laugh and sometimes even cry at moments like these...and the sense of 'belonging' is a strong one. All living the same life, with the same struggles and the same hurdles, yet finding the purpose of it all in being good mothers, wives, girlfriends, singles, daughters, sisters, friends, and women. It is a strong bond we share, one that is rarely understood by men. We know the value of spending time with our children, of making sacrifices, of driving them around so that they get a chance at as much as possible in life.
We know we're all in the same boat when it comes to this type of devotion and love. And yet we truthfully admit that at times, it's hard, and difficult to endure. We share our frustrations in the knowledge that we will not be judged but listened to, not be criticised but supported, not feel the outcast but just a 'mom' like any other....

To you, my wonderful friends I give my thanks for your unconditional friendship ! And to all the women out there, have a wonderful International Women's Day !

Lust versus Love

2010-03-07T21:03:00.006+01:00

This is a tough one, I once read somewhere that women offer sex in the hope they will get love, and men offer love in the hope they will get sex. I have often wondered if there is any truth to this.

Today I read an article in the newspaper saying that a 22 year old girl 'stole' her grandmother's boyfriend (63). They mentioned having a great and healthy sex life. I couldn't help but wonder why that seemed to be the most important aspect to mention. I already, at the best of times feel that this world has gone insane, and can't by the life of me understand what the attraction between this 22 year old and 63 year old man could be. To me it seems to border on pedofile behaviour. In a way, I feel so bad for the grandmother, as she once again becomes one of those women who doesn't stand a chance in the world of the young and beautiful.
Yes, it is only my superficial and very subjective view, as I have no idea what their relationship was like before the granddaughter made her appearance.

I guess you attract men with your sexuality, and looks, but in the end, I don't believe that that is what will make them stay. Not the good ones...and yes, I remain convinced that there are many good men still out there. I hope that the true attraction lies within your soul, the person that you are and the joy you live your life with.

So, as women, what should we do to attract the 'right' man ?! I guess we start off by deciding what we want in a man and what we expect from a relationship. This seems easy enough, but of course not all of our needs will be met and there should always be room for some compromise, I think. The compromise being on the small issues, not the important ones. For instance, it's no use making a point of someone's small annoying habits, but it is crucial to feel that someone is truly interested in you, not just 'passing time' with you. No need for love at first sight, but you aren't someone's entertainment center until something better comes along.
Sometimes we so long for love that we confuse it with lust. It will satisfy for a while but leave you empty and alone in the end. To be honest, as women, we are worth so much more !!

It's difficult to believe in yourself, and to retrieve your self confidence after a man has left you, or if you've had many relationships that ended badly. As a woman it leaves a huge dent and sometimes, when the hurt is deep, you're tempted to believe you're really not worth it. I went through that, and still at times struggle with it. Strangely enough, it is not an issue in my friendships, but when it comes to men, I am a total disaster.
I have no idea what I want, yet I want too much....
I say I don't want commitment, yet feel true disappointment when I find out I am just a fling for the other person....
I long for love, yet don't dare assume someone will ever love me again....
I want to believe 'happily ever after' still exists, yet all around me love seems to be ending in nightmares...
I find someone I like, only to realise they don't feel the same way about me at all... !
So I'm stuck....And because I am stuck, I start looking for reasons why I am stuck. Only to find that there are no answers, except maybe to let go of it all and just be myself. Hoping deep down, that I will still get a chance at this...one day.

So if you get stuck in the battle between lust and love, take a deep look at your inner self and choose wisely.

I'll take love...... in time.

Driving Miss Daisy !

2010-03-05T09:13:00.016+01:00

I'm one of those women who can actually drive. I like it, I drive fast, I manoeuvre my car into any parking space, and I love spending hours driving around for pleasure. I watch Top Gear on Sunday night and truly enjoy it !! (Yes, the guys are funny too....sometimes..hahaha.) But if there is one thing I don't like...it's people who can't drive. Whatever their reason may be of course, as some people are just too old to drive, whilst others are just plain blind, or traffic-fobic.

I don't understand why these people still get into a car and think they will be fine. They are a threat to society and a danger to themselves and others. But mostly just a huge annoyance in my life !!!!

The other day, I had one of those days where I just seemed to be stuck behind all sorts of 'bad' drivers. The first was an 'L' labeled car, someone still following lessons and instructions to learn how to drive. Ok, that, I can handle, as I too was in their place, a long time ago and know how awful it can be. So, I respectfully left some distance between us.

Just a little later I had my second encounter...an older man, tiny by the looks of it, as he could barely see over his steering wheel, and I imagine his feet could only just reach the gas pedal and breaks, let alone press down the clutch once in a while. Now, this time I was annoyed yet I did feel some sympathy as he surely couldn't help being small.

The third one, and yes these are the types I truly detest on the road, ... those who can't drive, yet think they can....!!! They stay on the left lane as long as possible 'pretending' they are going to overtake...God know's who.....(.... there usually isn't a vehicle in sight ...)!! Then finally, after dropping subtle hints, I'll decide to overtake them on the right. It is THEN...when they decide it is time to go back to the right lane. Thank goodness experience has taught me that 90% of the people do this, so I am well prepared to step on my breaks and have of course scanned my mirrors ahead of time to see if a slick move back to the left lane is possible. And it usually is for me. After overtaking this 'wacko' individual, I usually step on it and can always be assured of angry flickering headlights behind me, as of course Mr.or Mrs 'fantastic driver' knows best !

This type of situation, always ends up in a 'stoplight meeting' somewhere....where I end up looking to my left, only to realise it is Mr. or Mrs. 'fantastic driver' next to me. Who, of course, is enjoying the moment, as I have by then gone back to the right lane (as you're supposed to do) and he or she is back on the left lane, and therefore right back next to me. If I'm lucky I won't have anyone infront of me and I will blast off once the lights go green. BUT....of course life is not always as you hope, so at the worst of times I am stuck behind someone who has all the time in the world and steps on the gas pedal about 30 seconds after the lights have turned green. By this time, and yes, 30 seconds seem to take hours in this case...I myself start to turn all shades of green!!

I've learnt to breathe and just let go of these small irritations, as it was eating away at me from time to time.
But of course I am human and I still occasionally suffer from traffic impatience ! That, combined with South American temperament and being able to swear in 4 different languages makes me a great driver ! ;-)

I can only hope that I will be sensible enough myself to quit driving before I'm a hazard to anyone else on the road !!!

Run Whilst You Can !

2010-03-03T22:47:00.009+01:00

Ok, I have no idea why it happens, but it happens...Every time I meet a half descent guy, get to know him a little, and feel we may have some kind of connection, he does a 180° on me.

I just don't get it and can't seem to understand it. Is it me ? Do I scare them away ? Do I make them run, hide and flee as fast as they can ?! I can't say I've been anything but friendly and my own jolly self. Yet it seems that it is not what the men I have been attracted to want.

Then again, what DO men want ? Should I play the 'hard to get' game ?! Is it true men are such hunters that they want what they can't have ?! To be honest, I can't find it in me to play these 'games'...it's just not who I am. And if anything I feel I should be true to myself. Yes, I'm 37, have 3 kids, live in a town where divorce rates are extremely high, yet most of those men seem to only want to 'start over' with a woman 20 years their minor. To top it all off, I live in Belgium yet I seem to prefer the spontineity of a Dutch man. I guess this makes my search for the perfect guy for me impossible. Friends have told me exactly that, many a time.

It's not that I feel incomplete without a man, because I truly don't, but I just don't think I'm meant to go through life alone. I don't think anyone is meant to go through life alone... (Please note that I am not alone in the entire sense of the word, as I have my 3 wonderful kids, a warm and loving family and fantastic friends.)

When I signed myself up at an online dating site, it seemed wonderful at first. So many faces, and wonderful sounding profiles. Yet now, after experiencing it on and off for nearly a year, I realise it is like watching tv with the remote control in your hand...you're watching something on one channel, but as soon as you start switching channels, and stop concentrating on the one thing you were watching, then this feeling of 'missing out' seems to take over and the channel switching, before you know it, becomes a habit.

So, am I scaring these potential dates away ? Is it something I do, or don't do? Or are they running from something else? Is it my 'package deal' that makes them hesitant? Or do they have other issues of their own?

Who is to say....

At least now I know that I CAN do this all by myself, that I CAN go out to parties alone, that I CAN have a great social life, and that I CAN do anything I set my mind to...but ....and this 'BUT' is crucial... I don't WANT to have to do it all alone. I'd love to know that there is someone out there who likes me, I'm not even talking about love yet. It would be a great start to just find someone who likes me enough to want to keep seeing me, to want to spend time with me and someone I too feel that way about. Someone who will not run away because I have 3 kids, or because I live far away, or because I'm not a perfect dress size. Someone who will appreciate all of those things and so much more that I have to offer, instead of viewing it as a big challenge and huge obstacle.

So, in the meantime I will keep hoping, keep believing and remain in great expectation of the guy that may one day set foot in my life and who will wholeheartedly mean it.

Bearable Lightness of Being !

2010-03-02T22:32:00.002+01:00

Today, I will try to keep things a little 'lighter'. Weight and looks seem to be issues we women struggle with endlessly. When I was 21, my life as a single girl ended as I moved in with my boyfriend who would later become my husband. I was skinny compared to how I look nowadays. Reasonably wrinkle free and my hair had full colour and showed no signs of ever becoming gray. The years have passed, and I'm back to being a single girl having had a wonderfully 'full' life of deliciousness and the wrinkles on my face are a map of the path I have taken so far. I'm afraid it's something that can't secretly be 'tucked' away anymore!!!

Any excuse to crave for chocolate is a valid one, and of course you have to alternate sweet with something salty, followed by sweet yet again. Isn't that how all women do it ?! I'm sure it's hormonal, as I don't like to think I have no self-discipline over this craving. It would make me feel like a bit of a loser, and of course I'm not ! ;-)

The countless attempts at losing weight and excercising more, could nearly earn me a mention in the The Guiness Book of World Records, if you ask me ! It is incredible that I still manage to start each diet with the same amount of enthousiasm, and I remain ever so confident and convinced that THIS time will work !!

The winter months are slowly disappearing and making place for more daylight hours and plenty of sun. All of a sudden I get panic attacks, because in just a few months I need to be able to parade around in my bikini ! It must be said that at a certain age, it is no longer only a weight issue when it comes to bikini's .. gravity too plays it's part in 'things' becoming southward bound! Yes, by 'things' I do mean boobs and bums. That, in combination with crater like dents on my legs and hips, makes it even less likely that my bikini fittings will leave me with positive vibes..

I carried my children with great joy, and loved to feel their every move in my tummy, only to find that they left their mark to remind me of those pleasures. I'm sure you can imagine that this too creates a bikini fobia for me.To top it all off, I am now a 37 year old single girl/mom and realise that the older I get, the less attractive my body may actually become.

Friends tell me it is all in the mind. If we believe we look good then that is exactly what will shine through. If we feel sexy, then we are sexy. If we are confident and happy about who we are, then people will feel attracted to our charisma. How true !! But even so, it does not take away the fact that one day, maybe, in the future, I will be in a relationship once again and I will have to get undressed, and be left standing in the bearness of my being, wondering why I never followed through with my diet and excercise routine. Yet hoping my inner self will shine through and blurr the actual naked sight of me.

In preparation of that day, I am once again into healthy eating and zumba dancing, well on my way to break my own record !! ;-)

Love and Marriage

2010-03-01T22:31:00.005+01:00

Lately I have noticed that I am getting quite used to life without a man around the house. You get to choose what to watch on TV, dinners are healthy but very simple, chores are done by me anyway so I don't have to bother getting upset that the man in my life isn't doing them. and I can jump into my pyjama's at 7pm if I wish to do so. What I say goes and there is no discussion from anyone...not even the kids as they are still young enough to actually listen. (Yes, I do realize this will soon change ! And of course my kids don't always listen...) I have gathered great knowledge about swimming pool pumps, home electrics, plumbing, and cars. It's funny how, you learn to do stuff, out of pure necessity. Things you'd never thought you could do let alone understand, become second nature.

In my case it was due to the separation that I became self sufficient in certain fields. But there is also another type of 'emancipation' in my town. Psychologists even have a name for such women, they are called the 'green widows'. Green because we are surrounded by parks, forests and nature (and of course huge gardens). And 'widows' because many of the husbands in these surroundings are hard working professionals who spend hours, days and weeks away from home to build great careers and even greater businesses. Thus, the wives are 'left behind' to fend for themselves, often having to take care of the kids, pets, houses and of course their maids and gardeners. Not to mention the whole army of plumbers, electricians, painters, and handymen they have to meticulously guide around their homes in their ever changing interiors.

It is a thrill to hear of renovation projects, children's rooms being restyled, gardens remodeled, and entire homes being replaced by newer and more family friendly ones. This in turn seems to also be a trend with the hard working men that hardly see their homes...they start their quest for a 'home away from home'. This time it doesn't involve bricks and mortar, but age and beauty.

In the old days you used to be the 'kept' woman if you weren't married to the man in question, but nowadays, it seems the roles have switched, or have they not ?! As I found a definition online of a 'kept woman' being; "the woman kept house while the man hunted". I guess in a way, that is still true, even though it seems to have become a different type of 'hunting' !

Anyway as most of us proudly bring up our kids and take on our household chores, life seems to take some shocking turns at around the magic age of 40. We either get fed up of being home alone and having to fend for ourselves on that front, or our beloved spouse decides there is a more adventurous life in fancy faraway places (like the office, or local bars). Funny thing is, that most of these cases are so alike that I have often wondered if someone is secretly handing out booklets on how to set out on this foolishly passionate adventure.
I have a theory about why women leave and why men leave too. You see, I think a woman leaves once she feels unappreciated, unloved and she reaches a point where she is just fed up with it all. A man funnily enough is nearly the same, he too will have felt unappreciated, unloved, but he will have smarlty found a replacement before leaving. Another woman.

No need to explain what happens next I think...once again, someone starts to plan great big renovations, changes are made to the newly aquired house whilst dearest husband works hard long hours, far away to pay for it all, only to help continue the ongoing circle of life's natural evolution. Divorce and Marriage.

I'm sorry...did I not mention the children anymore ?! Maybe that is because in these cases they are the first to be forgotten....

Hopefully we will have taught them well and they will grow into confident, happy and loving parents and spouses, afterall isn't that exactly the example we gave them ?!

The in Between Bits

2010-02-28T19:36:00.002+01:00

My friend's husband turned 40 and had a theme party with his friends and family and yes, I too was invited. The fun started a few weeks in advance as the invitation said disco outfits were compulsory ! As you may know by now, any reason is a good reason to shop !! This meant we could start our quest for the best disco look ever !! A friend of mine ordered her outfit at an online webshop http://www.feestbeest.nl/, and after taking a look myself, I too ordered my party attire ! The fun had begun !!
Yesterday was the big day, and after getting ready and dressing up, I stepped into my car and was on my way to dinner at another friend's house first. Dressed in a psychodelic colourful dress, a bright pink wig and huge orange sunglasses I think I shocked the entire neighbourhood with my new look !! It was a great big giggle journey...

Arriving at my friend's house she opened the door and looked fantastic herself !! She was wearing bellbottom's and a frilly blouse. Her husband who has extremely short hair in real life, all of a sudden had turned into Ozzy Osbourne ! We looked hilarious and could only laugh at each other ! A few minutes later the bell rang and two other friends walked in...Elvis and Mrs Glitter !!! Elvis even had fluffy chest hair !!
Doesn't life become a thrill once you take on a different personality !?!

After a delicious dinner and lots of jokes and laughter, we welcomed 2 more friends, he looked like a 70's version of side show Bob, and I swear she was wearing my mum's old curtain pattern on an authentic disco jumpsuit, they too were dressed to kill !! Off we were...and our mission was ..DISCO INFERNO !!

All of us, wigs and all, drove through town on our way to the party destination...On arrival we were welcomed by my friend who suddenly looked like Meryll Streep in Mamma Mia....(a real super trooper !!) . The birthday 'boy' was dressed in a white suit with black shirt and huge black afro hair-wig....the disco vibes were all over him !!

It was a night of true disco inferno....the heat was on !! We danced the night away, and held very important filosofical conversations in the kitchen. Plans were made, ideas were born and years were rewinded !!

A little after midnight we all thanked the wonderful hosts, crossed the street, only to find my car ....... had been decorated with balloons from the party!! All filled with hellium, blue and white, perky and proudly pointing at the sky ! I couldn't believe my eyes !! I loved it ! What a wonderful sight ! I stepped into the car, pink wig, balloons and all and drove home proudly and with great joy in the middle of the night !

That night my friend had said something that stuck with me... she said it would be so nice if we could just have the 'in between bits', meaning it would be better to only have life's good parts, leaving out the stuff we don't like.

I guess it seems like a wonderful idea, but experience has taught me that without the bad and tough parts in life, we wouldn't be greatful for the good and wonderful bits. Only after difficulties is life able to give us it's most glorious moments !!!

For a long time I had a wonderful quote that kept me going...

"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus

I think it says it all.... xx

Pubic Revival

2010-02-26T22:55:00.003+01:00

Ok, I admit, one of the consequences of having met the love of your life at a very young age, is that you miss out on a lot of fun stuff in your teens. I know I did, even though at the time I didn't notice or mind ! Afterall, I was in love, and it was all that mattered.

It is utterly embarrassing to have been drunk for the first time in my life at age 34... it was a mojito filled evening drunk through a straw... Surrounded by friends and of course Mrs.Goldflower...as some of you may remember...
Yes, Mrs.Goldflower was a real treat to the eye.. nearly 2 decades older than me, yet with perfect 'Madame Tussaud' skin, a body many models would die for, a gorgeous winter tan and elastic legs ! 'Mrs.Goldflower'... had a flower decorated handbag and was dressed in gold ! Hence the name.
It was a funfilled evening with many table discussions about men and women in their midlife crisis, and it ended as a true tearjerker. It is a well known fact that women are emotional human beings, and I guess we feel compelled to join in when anybody starts crying, afterall, it's a great excuse to let it all out, without anybody thinking anything of it !

I had to be driven home by one of my best friends that night. Another friend's husband kindly drove my car home. How embarrasing is that !?! The kids were upstairs sound asleep. My friend walked me into the house and tried her best to keep me from talking nonsense to the babysitter, she, of course failed horribly, but thankfully I have forgotten what foolish things I must have said. I hope she has too !
At the time I had a great dane, she was a wonderfully caring scooby doo type dog called 'Fleur'. I remember being ushered up the stairs by my friend and nearly tripping over my dog as she seemed to sense something was 'abnormal 'about me that night. In an attempt to guard over me, she nearly tripped us both and walking up the stairs with her 'on guard', became a true challenge in the state I was in.
In bed, with some painkillers as a quick-fix-remedy for the next morning, I dozed off into a twirl of a nightmare, only to find that being drunk made my room turn faster than any rollercoaster I had ever been on.

The next morning I was awakened by my kids, bright and early (of course ) !! I realised that I had promised my in laws to visit them and I got up, did the whole English breakfast, bacon, eggs, and even baked beans, thing and was on my way. Luckily I have great parents in law and we all laughed about it over lunch !

The other day I went out for my weekly coffee with one of my best friends. Being creatures of habit we always go to the same place, and have enjoyed the extra service we get there. A young man who is always equipped with a wonderful smile and friendly wink a'wait's us. This time after months of visiting, I decided to be bold and right after we ordered our drinks, I asked the handsome young man his age. My friend, who is extremely polite, prim and proper, nearly died of embarrasement, as my question clearly seemed out of line for her ! I guess that even by my standards I had jumped to the next 'dare-to-ask' level.
He blushed and informed us he was 24.
"Right", I said. "Hmmm...."
He built up the courage to ask me if I had thought he was younger or older than that. I told him I had a feeling he was younger. He seemed flattered and thanked me. This whole scene led to my friend diagnosing me as having a 'Pubic Revival' which in simple terms means I am reliving my teens, and early twenty's doing stuff most people have allready done by the time they are my age. I laughed, but when I got home I realised she was right. Life has become an exciting open ended journey and I have finally embarked !!

Dating Mania

2010-02-25T14:02:00.010+01:00

Recently I've started to date again. It has been a real quest, as the world seems to be running out of decent men.
I joined an internet dating site out of curiosity and it has felt as if I have been doing catalogue shopping since then! Yoohoo !! A girl just loves to shop !! The site I joined has easy access for all, and you can mainly scroll through literally millions of pictures. You'd think that such a collection of men would be more than enough to choose from, but when you find yourself having been viewed by five thousand of them and you realize there may be two or three that you actually would consider..as potential dates it kind of shatters your expectations !

One of the first guys I chatted with, seemed too good to be true, he was good looking, a model, a few years younger than me and keen to set up a date. I was thrilled ! I printed his picture and of course showed it to all my girlfriends, who in turn told me I was out of my mind as they were in total disbelief. Once we had decided to actually meet and have our first date, he suddenly disappeared off the site. Yikes...I thought, now what?! A few weeks later I received an email from him telling me to check out his new website..I did.. and to my great astonishment he had started his own business, he had become a gigolo !!! A few months ago he re-appeared on the dating site and had checked out my profile again, so we got back in touch for a little while. Last month a friend of mine told me he was featured in a women's magazine, an article about his life as a gigolo... I guess it made a great ending to that 'dating' experience...!!

In the meantime I had kept scrolling and window shopping....and found myself a new potential date. Of course he was Dutch..yes I do seem to have an outspoken favouritism for Dutch men...!! We decided to meet halfway, he would take the train and I would pick him up at the station. As inexperienced as I was at this, I even told him what colour and brand my car was so he couldn't miss me. So...on a Thursday night, I drove to our meeting point and as I approached the station I could see my 'date' waiting for me. Instinctively I wanted to keep driving as withing 2 seconds I had decided he was not the man for me !! My car stopped, he got in introduced himself and I kept thinking 'Oh my goodness, how do I get rid of this guy as soon as possible?' He produced a list of possible activities we could do (can you believe it ?! Who does that ?!!). I told him I wasn't too hungry and that maybe we could just have a quick bite somewhere. We found a cosy restaurant and I ordered the smallest salad on the menu, whereas he ordered himself a full blown meal. The chit-chat started and I realised that I was only paying so much attention to his words, but ever so much attention to his hair !!! Yes, his hair...!! On the way over to the restaurant he had mentioned not having been able to get his hair thinned out lately. I found it odd that a man would be preocupied with such detail, but figured he was just being polite and making conversation. So, sitting there opposite him at the table I couldn't help but investigate his hairdo...it was awful..he seemed to have thicker hair at the front of his head and it looked a bit like a bird's nest. All of a sudden he excused himself. I coulnd't help but giggle at the whole situation, and of course sent around a few text messages to curious girlfriends. Then the guy came back to the table and sat down. I couldn't believe my eyes...he had actually attempted to 'fix' his hair !!! And it was wet and water was even dripping down his sideburns and forehead !! At this point I knew I had to get out of there as soon as possible..or I would just never stop laughing. I hurried him along and we paid for our meals. We quickly made our way to my car as it was raining cats and dogs.(Imagine what THAT did to his hair ! ;-)) I don't think I've ever driven that fast in a town I didn't know, just so I could drop him off at the station as soon as possible..

I parked my car close to the curb and politely gave my date a handshake, he pulled me towards him and kissed me...WOW, I thought, this guy is a great kisser..!!! And then visions of his weird-and-nesty-hair flew through my mind and I heard the bus honking it's horn behind us, in a flash I stopped kissing, told my date he had to leave, pushed him out and found myself driving away, waving at him whilst he stood in the pouring rain flabbergasted and in shock waving back at me.
I started laughing and couldn't stop ... never again go out with a guy who's having a 'bad hair' day (date), I thought... !

xx

Landscaping Weirdness

2010-02-23T15:14:00.001+01:00

I have been a "stay at home mom" for a few years now. Lucky enough to have had that chance and possibility, and love and cherish it still today, even though my eldest daughter turned 11 in January. I guess I have always felt that the saying "you only live once" is something that becomes brutally obvious once you have kids. It is only once that you see them take their first steps, once that you hear the first mumbling of words, once that you experience the joy of their first smile.... It has been a pleasure to have been able to see this with every one of my children.

Then you realize it's all about letting go, they slowly start taking steps in their own path of life and gaps start to form, they develop a life outside of the family circle. And as a parent it's totally scary yet very exciting to see your little one blossom in a different enviroment being school, at their sports activities, or with grandparents, family and friends. Life becomes an endless adventure for them. A playground of experiences.

Even so; it is at first hard and a great shock to the system when all of a sudden the family circle breaks and you start missing out on some of their important moments in life. It becomes a 'hear say', of experiences shared with their dad, his girlfriend, and their friends and family. At first it seems unbearable, but like everything in life, it just needs some time to get used to. As a mother all you want is to see your kids happy, and I must say that my kids are a very jolly bunch !! They trot from my home to their dad's home with great ease and joy and seem to be dealing with the whole situation superbly. I am proud of them, and have now learnt to hear their stories and experiences second hand, with a sense of weirdly having 'been there...and done that'...as they happily share them with me!!

My children have coped amazingly well, and I am incredibly proud of them, it is therefore with much love and admiration for them that I make this blog a tribute to their unconditional love and fantastic story telling abilities ! Thanks guys !

Blogstarved

2010-02-22T18:13:00.000+01:00

Introducing myself to the world of Bloggers...

It has fascinated me from the very beginning that we can just post our thoughts and ideas on the internet for friends,family and even the world to see and maybe even enjoy !

You'll be reading much of the stuff that happens in my insane world. The world of late thirty something's, and early forty something's ...where due to midlife transitions, money, power and just plain weirdness, hilarious and insane things seem to take place !!

Just a little about myself... I'm Mies, 37, have 3 kids and live close to Antwerp. Four years ago my husband and I split up. We had been together for 17 years and I guess our time had run out and I was quickly replaced by a younger version. It took me quite a while to get over the whole thing and in retrospect I'm glad it all happened as I seem to have found the 'better me' again !!

I am now, still married (on paper), living the Vida Loca....as I like to call it. I live in a town, which seems to have inspired many soaps and series !!
I started internet dating last year and have had many wonderful and funny adventures on my dates, and continue my quest to find the perfect man for me...

I hope you will enjoy my blogs as they will mainly be inspired by my everyday life !

Take care,

Mies x

Zonder Pardoes

2010-02-22T14:57:00.000+01:00

Hoe komt het toch dat we altijd maar zoeken naar de ideale combinatie? Op alle levensvlakken stellen we hoge soms wel onhaalbare verwachtingen. Het lijkt op dat moment goed om het allerbeste te willen en te verkrijgen, maar hoe komt het toch, dat we niet gelukkig lijken te kunnen zijn met een beetje minder...of een beetje anders..?
Op relatie vlak is me niet ontsprongen dat er mensen zijn die streven naar 'goud'. Ze geloven sterk in de 'highs' en zijn ervan overtuigd dat alleen wanneer ze een partner vinden die met hun samen piekt, ze het grootste geluk in de wereld zullen hebben. In mijn omgeving zie ik dat zo vaak, mensen die ernaar streven en hunkeren.
Is dat wat bedoeld wordt met stel jezelf een doel ...'ga ervoor'...of 'reach for the stars' ?!
Hoe kan het dan, dat ik om me heen ook stellen zie die niet op die 'gouden' wolk zitten, maar die in hun rustig kabbelend beekje ziels gelukkig lijken ?!
Het verbaast me soms zo, dat we als mensheid blijven denken dat het in de grote dingen zit, dat geluk alleen haalbaar is voor diegenen met hoge doelen en prestaties. Alleen bereikbaar voor die die alles op alles zetten.
Volgens mij heeft het meer en meer te maken met onze nieuwe wegwerpmaatschappij. Wat oud, versleten en niet meer goed is, gooien we weg. Zonder pardoes.
Ook in relaties is dit een trend geworden. We komen op een struikelblok en zijn teveel met idealen bezig om te zien dat er ook simpele oplossingen zijn. We willen teveel en eindigen daarom ook vaak met niets. Een hebberigheid die pijn en schade veroorzaakt, binnen koppels, families en vriendschappen. En waarom ? Omdat we overtuigd zijn dat het nog beter kan, nog leuker, nog makkelijker, nog mooier. En dan blijkt dat na een poosje we weer precies op hetzelfde ontevreden plekje terug belanden. Dus beginnen we opnieuw....en opnieuw... en opnieuw.
Soms in de illusie dat dat onze levenslessen zijn, maar in feite zijn het geen lessen als we er niets uit leren ? Of vergis ik mij hierin ?