Right, the journey is about to begin, buckle up and get yourself a front seat as I'm about to embark on one of life's most fascinating adventures....the 'WHO AM I - trip' !!
Most of us choose to ignore the whole bloody trip, because to be honest it's a real hassle to pack and prepare for it, and it's not always what it's cracked up to be, especially when we hit upon the rough and ugly spots....but they're a MUST if you want to do this trip to the max. If you only look at the goody-two-shoes-bit, then you'll end up letting your inner demon reign. You can't have one without the other....and once you've explored both ends of those dug outs, then you need to balance them out, find a truce between them and decide which stuff to dump and which to keep.
The point of this whole journey is to make myself the centre of MY universe. Know what I like, and what I don't, why I do and why I don't, what to do and what not, who to keep and who not, simply tie some knots and throw out some sandbags. All this...seen from MY point of view, not yours, or my mom's, or my childrens' or any good friends' .....no, MINE !! very selfishly ....just mine.
What and who do I give a shit about....what makes me tick, what triggers me and how ? Why do I yearn to please some and not others, how do I stop seeking approval and just ZEN into my own vibe of approval and appreciation.
This trip is not for the faint hearted, or those that are still too concerned with how they profile themselves upon others...NO. If you're still into that, then don't bother reading any further!! I mean, you too may have a trip to go on : ALONE, that is a MUST. But feel free to tap into my guideline as you follow along....REMEMBER though...it's MY guideline, not yours, seek your own eventually !!
It is a journey into your inner self region, scary territory.....so be prepared, open yourself to countless possibilities and outcomes, as the destination is never revealed beforehand !!
Mine has started, due to a build up of emotions that just poured out, unrelentlessly, sometimes in private and other times just whenever they felt like it (very embarrassing, mind you). At first I thought it would quickly pass, but it didn't, so I started going to massages, just to get rid of the tension and believing that getting my back rubbed would melt those troubles away too... NOPE....it's helping, but it's only ONE tool....
Next one is YOGA.....I am now slowly learning to breathe again....yes, you can't imagine what it's like to actually feel cool breath enter your mouth, pass your throat, into your chest and way down into your tummy, slowly....thoughtfully and controlled. It's Exhilarating !!
The yoga itself with it's stretch and relaxation is helping my body regain it's strength and flexibility, preparing it to become my 'TEMPLE' (I know, I've never been into all these 'abracadabra' words either, but they kind of emphasise my point here!)
Today I took a new step, I visited an acupuncturist.....not a single needle entered my body, but just by pressing a little here and there and asking to see my tongue (blech!!!). He gave me a glimpse of myself, the one I had desperately tried to hide from him !!!
And here's the clue....NO HIDING...not from myself, because if I do, I'll only kid myself and this trip will just end up being postponed till next time....
I'm not one for waiting as you all may know by now and so, I choose to take this trip NOW, and enjoy the ride wherever possible.
I apologise beforehand to those I may end up 'hurting' or 'losing' on this trip, it's not my intention to do so, but I've been told that there will be casualties and friendships may dissolve. The 'pleaser' in me is saying sorry now, as I may not feel sorry about it, once I find my true ME, you know... the confident one, that may no longer give a flying f@ck about your opinion, but will take your honest concern or advice into account, realising I will never be 'better' than you. That is not the point of this. The point is self reflection, self knowledge and self indulgence, to find the inner peace needed to be happy with just ME.
Apparently after that, all the rest is bonus happiness !!
Ok, fasten your seat belts, hold on tight......this crazy woman is on her way to the next level !!! :-)
Monday 26 March 2012
Tuesday 13 March 2012
In Loving Memory of a True Friend
We found each other after years apart
our friendship grew from heart to heart.
So much pain in common we shared
so much hope and strength we paired.
Both believing ....in the good times up ahead.
A piece of me I gave to you
but so much of you now remains with me.
I promise to live and love like we both said
never wait or hesitate !!
Life is too short
you so often told me....
Until we meet again
my dear true friend...
I will miss you always....Mies X
our friendship grew from heart to heart.
So much pain in common we shared
so much hope and strength we paired.
Both believing ....in the good times up ahead.
A piece of me I gave to you
but so much of you now remains with me.
I promise to live and love like we both said
never wait or hesitate !!
Life is too short
you so often told me....
Until we meet again
my dear true friend...
I will miss you always....Mies X
Sunday 11 March 2012
Fate Rules
And so....just like it started, in a flash, it ends. Funny how all I seem to remember are the wonderful moments, the fun, the togetherness, the joy of daring to look into the future together and making plans. Trips, dinners, drinks, couch-potatoe'ing together, everything now has a lovely silver lining, and a nostalgia shadowed by a feeling of lament for it having ended far too soon. How, can so much love disappear into thin air ?! Did we fool love, or did love fool us?
Most of the memories now go into my 'most cherished' box. And I find myself piling them in like a mad woman, for all of a sudden I see the lovely moments and relive them one by one, realising they were indeed worthwhile and even the painful memories make me utmost grateful and happy. Yet it's only now, that it's over, that I see it, that I realise the value of what I had. Why do we humans always realise this when it's too late. 'You only know what you've got when it's gone' ....When there is no way back and so we use this to learn our lessons in life, and do better next time....
Next time is not an option right now ...because just like that, when it ended, it began. I felt my heart skip a beat and knew, that it belongs to one person only. Love struck, and this 'condition' can be long lasting.
It is far too late, happened much too slow, and there is no known remedy.
So, if it's no longer in the cards for me, I shall have to leave it at that let it be and set it free and keep enjoying all the rest, my kids, friends, family and all that warmth and love that they provide. I'll still feel a void, undoubtedly, and it may even be forever..!! But that's only because sometimes, you just stumble upon the right person even though the timing may seem off and the combination may seem odd, yet in your heart, you know it's absolutely right.
And so, I slowly realise that this is my choice, I choose to love, whether it means that I will be loved or not my heart is open and willing. More than that, we cannot do in life, except decide how WE ourselves stand in what we want and hope for, the rest is up to FATE.
Most of the memories now go into my 'most cherished' box. And I find myself piling them in like a mad woman, for all of a sudden I see the lovely moments and relive them one by one, realising they were indeed worthwhile and even the painful memories make me utmost grateful and happy. Yet it's only now, that it's over, that I see it, that I realise the value of what I had. Why do we humans always realise this when it's too late. 'You only know what you've got when it's gone' ....When there is no way back and so we use this to learn our lessons in life, and do better next time....
Next time is not an option right now ...because just like that, when it ended, it began. I felt my heart skip a beat and knew, that it belongs to one person only. Love struck, and this 'condition' can be long lasting.
It is far too late, happened much too slow, and there is no known remedy.
So, if it's no longer in the cards for me, I shall have to leave it at that let it be and set it free and keep enjoying all the rest, my kids, friends, family and all that warmth and love that they provide. I'll still feel a void, undoubtedly, and it may even be forever..!! But that's only because sometimes, you just stumble upon the right person even though the timing may seem off and the combination may seem odd, yet in your heart, you know it's absolutely right.
And so, I slowly realise that this is my choice, I choose to love, whether it means that I will be loved or not my heart is open and willing. More than that, we cannot do in life, except decide how WE ourselves stand in what we want and hope for, the rest is up to FATE.
Friday 2 March 2012
Teddy Bear Love
There comes a time when all of a sudden it feels like someone turned the lights on, whilst you were walking around in the dark banging yourself against anything and everything because you just couldn't see. Then, just like after a dark day, the fog is lifted and all is CLEAR...you blink a few times and realise that you WERE lost in the dark. Not knowing what was left or right, front or back. But now the view is unclouded, the trouble is, you hit and broke so much in that darkness, that you actually destroyed the place you were at.
Some of the damage may not be all that bad, just a few pick-ups and setting straights, but sometimes valuable stuff gets broken, so much so, that you wonder if it's even possible to repair. So the option of replacement comes to mind. After all the broken pieces look useless and destroyed. I guess that it mainly matters WHAT was actually shattered, HOW much it meant to you beforehand and WHETHER you still want it.
I know tons of toddlers that carry around a tattered old bear, one eye missing, ears and arms sown and re-sown back on many times, not much left of their furry bellies from all the hugs and kisses they receive all day and all night. But STILL, the toddler loves his bear to pieces ...for all the times they spent together, all the tears they quenched, all the drool they took, and all the love they gave, when no one else was around for comfort. To those of us who had such a faithful companion, it taught us how to love, unconditionally and without caring about looks.
When we grow up, we often loose that sense of loyalty, and it seems the more we have the less we care. When we find a special someone, or even a special something, we no longer keep them lovingly until their tattered looks tell tales of history together, but we let our hearts drift away when tough times generate a battered soul. Our attention quickly shifts to the newer, prettier and better looks of else wheres, not realising we loose sight of what the essence of longevity was. You see, to me, it's sticking to what and whom you love, no matter how tossed and turned it gets, no matter which scars appear. The thing is, those scars are often just a sign of too much love, too many hugs, too many tears, too many cuddles and too many 'tossed in the corners' on that tattered old bear of ours. And sometimes we do the same later in life, we love too much, hug too hard, cry too loud, and toss too far-aways....but unlike in our youth, we don't go back to find comfort in that long and loving friendship, but we decide to close our hearts and move on.
I for one, still have my tattered old bear, and looking at it the other day, I realised that inside of it was where I put my soul as a little girl. Today I woke up opened my eyes and realised that all that tossing around in the dark, was only because I had lost sight of my 'bear'(self) ....of what was actually important, and so I'm left to pick up the pieces, as I would have sown back eyes and arms and ears, I now do damage repair in the comfort of my own mess, and loving it for what it is and what it's brought me...it's the memories that lie within the tattered-ness, it's there that we find comfort and strength and it's there that the love resides for that which we had, we have, or may one day have again. Because deep deep down, buried underneath the bullshit is where our 'old-teddy-bear-like' love lies....find it, treasure it and KEEP it !!!'
Some of the damage may not be all that bad, just a few pick-ups and setting straights, but sometimes valuable stuff gets broken, so much so, that you wonder if it's even possible to repair. So the option of replacement comes to mind. After all the broken pieces look useless and destroyed. I guess that it mainly matters WHAT was actually shattered, HOW much it meant to you beforehand and WHETHER you still want it.
I know tons of toddlers that carry around a tattered old bear, one eye missing, ears and arms sown and re-sown back on many times, not much left of their furry bellies from all the hugs and kisses they receive all day and all night. But STILL, the toddler loves his bear to pieces ...for all the times they spent together, all the tears they quenched, all the drool they took, and all the love they gave, when no one else was around for comfort. To those of us who had such a faithful companion, it taught us how to love, unconditionally and without caring about looks.
When we grow up, we often loose that sense of loyalty, and it seems the more we have the less we care. When we find a special someone, or even a special something, we no longer keep them lovingly until their tattered looks tell tales of history together, but we let our hearts drift away when tough times generate a battered soul. Our attention quickly shifts to the newer, prettier and better looks of else wheres, not realising we loose sight of what the essence of longevity was. You see, to me, it's sticking to what and whom you love, no matter how tossed and turned it gets, no matter which scars appear. The thing is, those scars are often just a sign of too much love, too many hugs, too many tears, too many cuddles and too many 'tossed in the corners' on that tattered old bear of ours. And sometimes we do the same later in life, we love too much, hug too hard, cry too loud, and toss too far-aways....but unlike in our youth, we don't go back to find comfort in that long and loving friendship, but we decide to close our hearts and move on.
I for one, still have my tattered old bear, and looking at it the other day, I realised that inside of it was where I put my soul as a little girl. Today I woke up opened my eyes and realised that all that tossing around in the dark, was only because I had lost sight of my 'bear'(self) ....of what was actually important, and so I'm left to pick up the pieces, as I would have sown back eyes and arms and ears, I now do damage repair in the comfort of my own mess, and loving it for what it is and what it's brought me...it's the memories that lie within the tattered-ness, it's there that we find comfort and strength and it's there that the love resides for that which we had, we have, or may one day have again. Because deep deep down, buried underneath the bullshit is where our 'old-teddy-bear-like' love lies....find it, treasure it and KEEP it !!!'
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